Chapter 7
The 28th of May 11:12pm was the time Amy died. As soon as I saw my dad's face I knew. I knew she didn't make it. But I didn't want to believe it. It couldn't have happened. I talked with her only a few hours ago. My dad had called me to come. She was getting so weak they weren't sure if she would make it. I ran there as fast as I could. But I didn't make it I was sure. My dad was crying and I could see he was barely able to hold himself up.
As soon as he saw me run around the corner he shook his head. Before I realized it I let out a sob and everything became blurry as I couldn't see through my tears swelling up in my eyes. My dad pulled me into a hug and slowly lead me through the door.
As soon as I saw her I slid down on the floor and started crying hysterically. She was just laying there. So, so pale. Her eyes were closed, she looked like she was sleeping. But I knew she wasn't. Mum was sitting beside her bed, holding her hand, crying her eyes out as well.
Dad was awkwardly sitting down beside me, letting his tears run down his cheeks. "No. no. She's sleeping. She's just sleeping." I mumbled getting up slowly making my way over towards Amy.
My mum saw me and moved back a bit giving me space to get closer to her. I reached out and felt her cheek. She felt normal. She wasn't even that cold. I moved my eyes over her face and froze when I reached her lips. They were starting to turn blue. With shaking hands I moved them down to her throat, desperate to feel a pulse, to feel any sign that she was alive. But I felt none.
"No. NO!" I cried out. My mum got up and tried to hug me but I pushed her away. "She can't be... She can't." I sobbed. I couldn't get myself to say it. If I said it, then it meant that it was true. It couldn't be. She was my baby sister. I had to protect her from this. She hadn't lived her life. She wasn't finished here. She couldn't be. She still had so many things to experience. She still had so many things to learn, things to teach me. I felt like my body was breaking, I couldn't stand being inside myself. I felt like screaming at her to wake up, break everything around me. But at the same time I felt like just curling into a ball and hide from the world.
I carefully sat down beside her on the bed. I leaned forward and put my arms around her neck hugging her closing my eyes trying desperately to make the tears stop from falling. I never really though this would happen. I always hoped she would make it. I never believed she would die. She had too much to live for. Too many things she still needed to do. I felt a hand on my back and looked up and saw my mum's crying face. I let go of Amy and hugged her tight sobbing into her neck. My dad came over and hugged the both of us shielding us from the world with his arms. The three of us sat there and cried for I don't know how long.
In the end I pulled away and looked down at Amy. Or what used to be Amy. She wasn't there any more. Her thoughts were gone. Her soul was no more. Now the only thing I had left of her was an empty shell. A shell that would soon be gone as well. I would never be able to hug her again, or talk to her, have a fight with her or ask her for help. I had lost her forever. And nothing would ever be the same. I would never get my sister back, this would be the last time I would ever lay eyes on her.
I knew it was time, it was time to go. I could barely get myself to bend down and kiss her forehead goodbye. Once I left through that door that would be it. With a shaking hand I put some of her hair behind her ear and I felt my heart break. I looked at her one last time before I turned away and walked out, leaving my parents to say their goodbyes. Once the door closed behind me I sat down, buried my head in my arms and continued crying. A part of me had died today with Amy.
"Come on sweetheart. Want to stay with us tonight?" My dad asked helping me up from the floor when they walked out of the room. I just nodded trying to get rid of my tears.
The way home was quiet. No one said a word. All of us were in our own world. All in denial. I felt empty inside. She was my sister I couldn't even start to imagine how my parents was feeling. They just lost a child.
When we finally got home dad offered me a cup of tea or coffee or anything. But I politely declined. I just wanted to go up and sleep. Crawl under the duvet and forget about reality. Pretend this day hadn't happened. Go 24 hours back in time to when I was sitting with my sister. Even though the last time I had seen her she was running a fever and was very weak. But she was still alive. She was still my Amy.
I quickly changed into some of my mum's pyjamas' and went to bed. But sleep wouldn't take me. I was tossing and turning and changing sleeping possessions but nothing seamed to help. My thoughts were on Amy and there was nothing I could do.
After an hour I was so frustrated I got out of bed and went downstairs to get a glass of milk. The house was dark and quiet, my parents must have gone to bed. I filled a glass with milk and walked out of the kitchen, but on my way I saw a shadow in the living room. I stopped and focused on the silhouette I could see. It was my dad. He was sitting with a bottle of some sort, properly whisky. I quietly listed up the stairs not wanting to disturb him.
But when I got to the room I didn't stop but continued walking. I climbed the last set of stairs ending up in front of Amy's room. I stood there frozen for a moment before I slowly opened her door. It was like she never left. Her clothes was laying across her chair, everything looked normal. Being in here was like she was still alive. She was just out in the bathroom getting ready for bed. She would be here soon. And then we would talk for a few minutes like we always did before we fell asleep.
I got into her bed and under her duvet. It still smelled like her. I hugged her pillow close, inhaling deeply. And before I knew it I fell asleep surrounded by Amy, like she was still here.
"Come on hon'. Try to stop crying. You want to look good for Amy when you go and say your goodbye right?" Julie asked crawling under the duvet and hugged me. She had stayed over last night and was taking me to the funeral, she had even borrowed one of her parents two cars. I knew I had to go. I just couldn't get myself to do it. I didn't want to believe she was dead.
I hugged her one last time before I sat up. "Okay, we better get this over with." I mumbled before I got out of the bed and into the bathroom. Before I got into the shower I caught a sight of myself in the mirror. I looked terrible. My eyes were puffy from all the crying and my nose was red.
It all felt so unreal. Like I was just looking down at myself getting ready to go to my sister's funeral, like I wasn't really there. I had been a mess the last couple of days. Crying my eyes out, not wanting to talk with anyone. Amy had left our parents a goodbye letter. Nothing for me though.
Julie had bought a black dress so I didn't have to think about it. She had been so amazing and helpful the last couple of days.
We got ready together, none of us uttering a word. There was no need to. There was nothing to say. My sister had died way too young and nothing could change that.
When it was time to leave, I walked around my home making sure I had everything. I knew I was only doing so, because it meant I had just a few seconds more, before I had to step into that church.
I had promised my mum I would be there from the first person arrived to the last person left. So I had to get a grip and get out of that door so I could keep my promise to her.
We got to the church way faster than what I would have liked, there was no way out of it now. As Julie parked the car, I saw my parents exit their car with my grandfather following behind them.
I could see my dad's eyes were red from crying, and my mum's were almost dead. My dad gave me a sad smile when he noticed me, and I went over to him and hugged him tight. I needed to be strong for them today. They needed me.
The next 20 minutes passed by with greeting and getting condolences from all the people who showed up to her funeral. It was a mix between friends from school, from her first job, from the hospital, family from all over, even Minta from next door came and cried when she hugged my mum.
I had sent Julie inside the church a few minutes back, and was about to join her when I saw a familiar face in the crowd, and my breath caught in my throat.
I quickly made my way over to him, as soon as I was sure it was actually him. When he saw me he stretched his arms out and pulled me into a tight embrace. His warmth and comfort made tears swell up in my eyes, and I had to blink a couple of times to hold them back.
"Austin what are you doing here?" I asked as I pulled back a bit to look up at him.
"My mum called and told me. I got off from work and came here as fast as I could." He said looking at me with sad eyes.
"Thanks for not saying I'm sorry. I don't think I can handle any more of those today." I gave him a sad smile looking down. "Come on, lets go inside" I took a deep breath before I linked my arm through his. As we stepped inside I looked around the church, looking anywhere but where I knew the coffin with her would be. I don't think I had ever seen so many flowers at one place before. It was like multiple flower shops had been put in here. It was beautiful, and most importantly, Amy would have absolutely loved it.
Both Julie and my mum looked at me funny as I joined them on the front row with Austin. I sat down beside my mum, and she grabbed my hand tight in hers. Austin put his left arm around me and pulled me to his side. His familiar smell and warm embrace made me able to breath a bit better.
As the priest came out, I looked over at Julie who gave me a reassuring smile. I could do this, I just had to hold the tears in a little bit longer. Kaylee, Julie's sister, who was sitting behind me, saw this exchange and handed me some tissues. That girl never missed anything.
The priest had barely said three words, before tears started to silently run down my cheek. My mum gave my hand a big squeeze before she let go and Austin pulled me completely into his embrace, letting me cry as I listened to the priests praising words about my sister. Telling everyone how strong she was, and how she always managed to smile. I guess that was true. She always smiled in front of people. But I saw her behind closed doors as well. I saw how sad she was, how afraid she was in the end, even though she tried to hide it.
He talked about her kind heart, how she never gave up or lost hope. How she would always brighten up a room, and how she simply just was an amazing girl who was taken from us too early.
When the priest finished his speech I knew that what little mascara I had put on this morning was gone now. I gave Austin one last squeeze before I got up. It was time to carry her out.
I grabbed a handle and bit my lip to try and stop crying. Down in that coffin was the now body who used to be my angel. I took a deep breath. Nodding to my father who was waiting for me to give a sign that I was ready and we lifted the coffin up with the others.
We carried her out to the car that was waiting to take her to get cremated. After that some people left while others drove over to a place where we would get some coffee.
I had thanked and said goodbye to almost everyone when my eyes caught sight of someone and my mouth fell open. I excused myself and walked over to him, not believing my own eyes. "Jayden. What are you doing here?" I asked my voice full of disbelieve.
"Your mum called and told me. I got the day off so I could come. Jax, Nathan and Eli apologise for not coming. But we would probably have been recognised if we all went. But I think they each sent a whole flower shop to make up for it." Jayden explained with a careful smile.
"It's fine. She would have been happy with just the flowers." I gave him a polite smile. I guess that explains all the flowers in there. "Oh and I wanted to thank you for talking with her from time to time. It meant the world to her."
"I'm just happy for the short time I knew her. It was always fun to talk with her." He gave me a sad smile before looking down. "That ring was Amy's right?" He asked me pointing at my right ring finger.
"Yeah." I nodded my head, turning the ring around on my finger, I didn't really know what to say to him.
"Thought so. Oh well I have to go, I have a concert tonight. It was nice seeing you again, even though it's not under happy circumstances. I'll see you around." He gave me a quick hug and kiss on my cheek before he turned around and left. I just stared after him shaking my head. As if I would ever see him again.
"Who was that?" Austin asked as soon as I reached them looking over his shoulder in the direction Jayden went.
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you." I let out a sigh and let Julie put her arm around me. It was over with.
"Come on. The food is waiting and so are the guests." Julie pulled me over to her car with Kaylee and Austin behind us.
"You sit in front and help Julie with the GPS. I'm too tired." I told Austin as I joined Kaylee on the back seat.
'Pretty impressive for him to come.' Kaylee slowly signed to me. Even though I had known her for almost 10 years now I was still a slow signer.
'Yeah well it was the least he could do after using her in the media like that.' I signed having to spell through media, not knowing the word for that.
She gave me a pointed look at the same time Austin turned around. "It's so unfair when you do that." He said pouting.
"Fine. I know I used the media myself and isn't allowed to be mad." I said turning around to face Kaylee so she could read my lips.
"Now you make even less sense." Austin mumbled and Kaylee just smirked. That was one of the things that had always annoyed me about Austin though. No mater how many times we were around Kaylee, he never tried to learn her language.
The rest of the drive we had to talk using our voices and I translated for Kaylee as well as I could when she couldn't read their lips.
"I'm sorry I have to leave. But I have to go back to work." Austin grimaced. We were standing outside waiting for his cap to come.
"It's fine. I'm just grateful you were here." I smiled up to him. Even though we weren't together any more, was he still the person who knew me the best, and it really helped having him here.
"Of course. First of all it's Amy Lowe we're talking about, how could I not come. Plus I'll always be there for you whenever you need me." He gave me a timid smile before pulling me into a hug. "Listen Al." He started but his cap pulled up and I pulled away.
He gave me a frustrated smile before he kissed my cheek and got into the cab. "I'll see you soon." He promised and then he was gone.
I walked back inside where my parents, their parents, Julie, Kaylee, two of my cousins and my aunt were still sitting. "That was sweet of him to come like that huh?" My mum asked as I sat down in a chair beside Julie.
"Yeah it was." I mumbled reaching for some candy on the table.
"So I didn't know you still was that close with him?" My mum pressed for more information.
"We're not. He was just a good friend who knew I needed a shoulder today and that's it." I closed the subject not wanting to talk about it.
My mum got the message and started talking with her sister. I just sat there eating candy looking around. So many people had showed up today, and said a few words about Amy. Apart from me. I couldn't get myself to tell stories about her, the wound was still too fresh.
My mum had cried multiple times. The same went for my dad. Where I for some weird reason had turned numb. My sister was gone and I was never going to get her back. Relation of the reality suddenly washed over me. We would never have our first Christmas away from home together. If I ever get married, she would have been my maid of honour. If I ever get married my husband will never have met my sister. I would never get to play scary sister for her as well, when she got a boyfriend. I didn't get to pick her up from town when she was too drunk to go home to mum and dad. I didn't get to have her in the morning and tease her with hangovers. I would never see her get married and have kids. If I ever have children they would never meet my sister. It all seemed so empty suddenly. I couldn't believe it. I wouldn't believe it. She couldn't be dead. I wasn't sitting at her funeral.
But I was. And no one could save me from it. "So what are you going to do now? Have you been into her room yet?" My aunt almost whispered. I couldn't help but frown, I had noticed that through out the whole day almost no one had said her name.
"No they haven't been into Amy's room yet." I couldn't help saying and saw my mum flinch when I said Amy.
"It just doesn't feel right to be in her room." My mum mumbled looking down. I was still the only one who went in there. For me it was soothing like she was still there. I haven't slept in her bed again though.
We talked for about half an hour and then we all started tidying up before we separated in individual cars. Not before I promised to stop by my parents house for dinner the following day though.
"Stop the car." I almost shouted frightening Julie.
"What." She breathed pulling over looking around on the street.
"Sorry!" I exclaimed. "But I need to go into that shop." I pointed at an art store across the road.
"You want to buy paint? Now?" Julie asked me frowning.
"I know it's weird. But yes. I have to. I have something I need to paint." I explained. I just had an idea of something I wanted to draw. But I knew I didn't have enough paint or big enough canvas at home. A poem had just popped into my head and I knew I wouldn't rest until I had painted this image.
I wanted to paint with the colours of dragonfly's on it, paint dragonfly's in black and then the poem that reminded me of Amy I the middle in gold letters:
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's rush,
I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds of circling flight.
I am the soft star that shines at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there.
I did not die.
- Mary Elizabeth Frye