This is probably my favourite chapter so far, it's about 500 words shorter than my usual amount but you should brace yourselves! It's an emotional rollercoaster! ;)
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The room was dark, only gloomy figures where the furniture was could be seen, and even then, just barely, because they blended in with the dark night.
I've always liked the thought of blackout curtains, I never thought they'd be so... Opaque. Did that sound stupid?
Of course it did, dumbass.
I pulled the duvet up to my neck and took a quick glance at the adorable sleeping boy beside me. His back was turned to me and judging by the heavy, uniform breaths coming from him, I could tell he was in a deep slumber.
Already? How long had I spent staring at the same spot on the ceiling? The same lightbulb? I took a quick glance to my phone and tapped the screen. The screen illuminated dimly and squinted my eyes to check the time.
1:44 am
Apparently it had been a little over thirty minutes. It sure didn't feel that long, how could I just stare up at a single lightbulb for thirty whole minutes?
I guess I wasn't looking up at the lightbulb the entire time for my mind was deciding to come alive at this unnecessary hour. It's been like that for a while now.
It was the part of my mind that liked to pick on me. Mock me. Bully me.
I glanced to Ben once again, noticing how the duvet had fallen down his shoulder. Diligently, I bought the blanket up higher to cover the bare skin and smiled to myself.
He's just being supportive because he feels sorry for you.
He doesn't actually like you, especially romantically. Who could?
I swallowed back the small bit of bile that travelled up my throat and closed my eyes once more as I tried to steady my breathing, which had increasingly quickened in the last few minutes.
You're just dead weight to him.
I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping to feet just a moment of peace, but apparently my mind wasn't up for compromise.
Your dad didn't even care that you ran out the house.
All you do is run. From your problems, your friends, your family -- the only people that care for you.
A single tear slipped down my cheek, the wetness tickled my skin as it traveled from the corner of my eye, past my cheekbones and to my ear, dampening it a little.
I managed to choke back the rest. It wasn't easy considering the size of the lump in my throat.
I took a deep breath, but tried to keep as quiet as I possibly could, Ben didn't deserve to be woken up because of my issues, even though he's told me countless times that I'm more than welcome to do just that.
He doesn't mean it, obviously.
I had an inkling of doubt that it was wrong, and that he really did mean it, but the majority of me wanted to believe all these thoughts, it wanted me to believe that he didn't give a flying shit about me or my issues, and he's just kind of been thrown into this and there's no getting out because he's too far gone.
I squeezed my eyes shut and then opened them again, I was trying my absolutely hardest to just focus on the ceiling, or more specifically, the light bulb. Just focus on something other than the thoughts in my mind.
It worked, at least for a little while, but a little while is much better than nothing.
Another tear slipped down my face, and soon, another one followed, and then another one after that, so I just lay there, facing the blank white ceiling and staring up at the same lightbulb, I felt icky, especially when I could feel my nose getting all runny.
The dark shadowy figures started to blur and just blend into one single colour as more tears spewed out of my eyes, I raised my hands and used the back of my palms to wipe the tears from my face, all I got in return was a wet hand and an ugly sounding snort as I stopped my nose from leaking out with gross snot.
I took a deep breath and felt a little calmer, my tears had stopped, for now.
I intwined my finger together and rested them on my abdomen, my eyes travelled to the left and took a quick peek at Ben, who was still asleep soundly. Thank god, I thought my snorts and whimpers would unleash the beast, but apparently not.
The red digits on my alarm clock dazzled me as they stood out from the black and illuminated onto a small area of his pillowcase.
2:08am
For fuck's sake.
I huffed and sighed and grit my teeth in annoyance. I felt so knackered, but It was becoming extremely difficult to fall asleep. Why couldn't I fall asleep?
I blinked a few times to clear my vision and took a few calming breaths, but then tears came out once again, this time I just let them.
I prayed that Ben wouldn't wake up from his sleep because of the embarrassing noises I was making, like little whimpers and sniffles. He'd probably want to stay up and let me talk about whatever it is while he listens intently, but I didn't want to do that because I'd feel guilty tomorrow for putting him through all that.
For once in my life, I was feeling completely unselfish, and I pondered on why. Why was I talking about feeling guilty for something like that? I don't think I've ever thought about anybody but myself before, and especially not something that means being selfless for Ben's sake.
Tears kept slipping down my cheeks and I was wiping them with the back of my palm, I may as well just get it all out of my system.
I wasn't even sure why anymore, I didn't even know if I was crying because a bunch issues I have or just pointlessly for no reason, everything was just getting muddled up and I wasn't up for figuring it out at this stupid hour of the night.
With the back of my palm, I wiped my cheeks, and panicked when I heard some rustling beside me.
Something furry touched my face first, like hair, and then some stubble and finally, a heavy weight fell on my shoulder as his head nestled in the crook of my neck. His arm wrapped around my torso and his hand fell off the edge of the bed.
I felt a little weirded out for a slight second, but it quickly disappeared as my body began to appreciate the warmth and compassion that he provided.
"Why're you crying?" Ben murmured, his voice deep and groggy from sleep, it would've turned me right on if it weren't for the fact I was feeling the complete opposite end of the scale.
"Just." I whispered.
He squeezed me tightly against him and if I weren't feeling so fucking comfortable, I would've questioned him about why he decided to kiss my cheek, hard.
It was so hard that my head had actually turned forty five degrees to the right, away from him. I just lay frozen in my place and relished in the fact my mind was no longer boggling with stupid questions that make me upset, but rather even stupider questions like what was Ben doing? Why was he being like this?
However, since I felt less sad, I took an attempt at seeing whether or not I could fall asleep, so when my eyes closed and my mind cleared up a little, I knew that I may actually get a few hours of shut eye.
Did I like how Ben had been acting the last few days? Hell yeah! Did I miss the old him? Of course I did.
"Stop thinking so much." Ben grumbled into my neck, his voice deep and laced with tiredness.
"I can't help it." I replied, finally lifting my hand up and placing it on his shoulder, which was across my waist.
"Well, goodnight." He said, and with that, buried his face deeper into the crook of my neck and let out a deep exhale.
I tried to relax myself as much as I could, but it was difficult since Ben was laying on me and I wasn't used to this, even though it's something so simple and so... out of the ordinary.
*.*.*
It was morning. I hoped that waking up, I'd feel better, but honestly, all I wanted to do was stay in bed all day, wrapped up in my blankets with Ember by my side and nobody else. However, I knew that I would never get the peace and silence I wanted, so I took some deep breaths and plastered a smile on my face.
"Morning, Buttercup." I greeted him sarcastically as his eyes opened. His arm was still draped over me so he furrowed his brows and turned over, hugging his hands up to his chest and mumbling something along the lines of 'morning, dickhead'.
"What are you making me for breakfast?" he asked tiredly.
"Pfft, nothing."
"You definitely know how to treat guests, don't you?"
I just rolled my eyes and tugged on the duvet since him turning over exposed my entire right side, but then he pulled the duvet cover again, once again, exposing me and letting the cold bite at my skin.
With a sigh, I sat up in bed and rubbed at my eyes. I patted my hair down and stretched my arms out, and when I was content and slightly more awake, I stood up and put some slippers on my feet.
Ben got up too and put his glasses on, he too, fixed his hair, but no matter how hard he tried, it just stayed looking like a complete mess.
I wanted to ask him about last night, I wanted him to tell me why he kissed me like that, and why he cuddled up to me, and why he chose me.
Why did he choose to stay? Not just overnight, but in my life. Why? And why is he suspiciously kind? I understand him acting that way when I'm feeling down and need some support, but now he's acting all nice all the time and I wasn't sure whether I liked it or not.
"I want eggs."
"We don't have any eggs." I mumbled, "Karen is vegan, Casey hates them and dad thinks I'll team up with Zach and throw them at people."
Ben snickered, as if he thought I was joking, but I really wasn't.
We scurried downstairs quietly, I wasn't sure of the time, but it was quiet downstairs. Usually the television would be blaring.
Dad was in the kitchen, fixing himself up some bacon, so I took a seat at the breakfast bar and Ben followed suit.
"Morning, sleep well?" Dad asked.
"No, Ben is a greedy hoe. He stole my bed covers."
Dad just rolled his eyes and Ben grinned sheepishly, but since he was tired, it was all lopsided in an adorable way.
I wanted to kiss him right there and then.
A plate of bacon and some buttered toast was soon put in front of us and I greedily dug in and stuffed my mouth. I found it funny when Ben ate all cleanly.
Dad eventually left the kitchen which left Ben and I sat in awkward silence, just quietly munching our food.
"You confuse me." I mumbled tiredly. First he's pushing me away, then he's fighting to be near me, then all of a sudden he's pushing away again, and then before you know it, he's cuddling.
"I don't mean to." He shrugged, instantly recognising exactly what I meant, "sometimes I can't help it. I confuse myself too."
"I hope you're not using me for your own selfish reasons."
"I... I.. I don't actually know if I am using you, but I'd probably only realise it at the very last minute."
"How can you not know whether or not you're using me? It's exactly the type of selfish thing you'd do."
His face hardened. Oops.
"I don't even know what state you're in right now. You could just be feeling so lonely that you're settling with me." I sighed, gripping the edge of my seat tightly, "and when you realise it, well, guess who'll be the one hurt? Me.... again."
"I'm not being selfish. Not about something like this. Not when it's concerning somebody else's emotions, even when it's someone I didn't get along with previously." He put simply. "If it makes you feel better, I'll keep my distance. At least until I clear things up."
"No."
"No?"
"I don't want you to—" I didn't continue that sentence. I didn't even look him in the eye.
"Oh come on." He said, slightly louder and more outspoken, "let's not be miserable and have conversations like this. I don't particularly like 'em".
"Me either." I said, and gave him a small smile, finally meeting his gorgeous eyes. He slyly stretched his hand out and intertwined it with mine before letting out a breath that seemed like it had been kept in for ages.
We didn't even look at each other, we just sat with our hands intertwined and dropped between the both of us. I like holding his hand, it was large and warm and my own hand fit perfectly. He brushed his thumb against my skin every now and then, and I would squeeze his hand ever so slightly in return.
However, I couldn't help but ponder over this one question...
Was this even real?
I don't mean real as in an 'am I dreaming?' Sort of way. I meant real. As in, was whatever this was between us going to last? Did small things like holding hands mean as much to him as it did to me?
I feel like at any given moment, he'd be the bipolar one and decide that I wasn't able to give him what he wanted, and then he'd break my heart all over again.
I glanced to him and faked a smile, when in reality, I kind of felt like I needed some alone time to just think and maybe even cry a little bit.
"What's up?" He sighed, seeing right through my smile, "is it this?" He lifted our hands up.
"No. Well, sort of..."
He turned his body to face me and squeezed my hand, and then used his other hand to move some hair on my forehead out of the way.
"I need some kind of sign on how you're feeling, because I can't read your mind and I'm never sure whether or not you're into me as much as I'm into you."
He just let out a breath and grabbed my other hand and placed it on his chest.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
Jesus. It sounded like he was going to have a heart attack.
"I'm not kidding about any of this." He said matter-of-factly. "Especially about this..." he started pulling out a familiar orange bottle.
"No."
"You need to take your lithium pill."
"No."
"Stop ruining life. Just take it for god's sake."
"Fine." I rolled my eyes.