Hello again everyone. :)
Sorry that I've been absent for a little while, i didn't mean to be gone for so long. 😅 i plan to show some of my newer drawings as soon as i can (hopefully starting tomorrow)
But this chapter isn't actually meant to show any artwork but i might throw a freebie in at the end or something. ;p
I was feeling really down and i didn't really have anywhere else to turn to...I'm not even sure what prompted me to write this out...but i just feel safe sharing stuff on here for some reason. :) So i guess this is sort of a...life...update of sorts...??
But...unless you want to you don't have to read this chapter...i don't want anyone to feel like they "have" to listen to me spilling my guts. XD
(So RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN PEEPS!!! GO LIVE YOUR LIFE WITHOUT THE DRAMA OF AN ARTIST WITH A MESSED UP LIFE XDD )
Soooo...i guess, I've had a lot going on for these past few months...and I've had a crap ton of stress on me...and when I'm really stressed out (like really really stressed out to the point of feeling depressed) i have this bad habit of isolating myself from people (usually even social media) because i dont want to worry my friends with my problems and i don't want to make people think i like to complain or something or make them feel bad for me :p
...even though i secretly wish i had someone who understood me enough to not feel awkward and not know what to do or say after I've shared what's on my mind...😅
(I'm only saying that because pretty much everyone i know irl does this)
The few times i do open up it seems like they get all uncomfortable and awkward like they don't know what to say or do with me because they aren't used to seeing me sad...because I'm usually very optimistic and normally I'M the one cheering people up...so i think people get surprised when i actually do show that I'm really very sad and stressed and they don't know what to do with me...so i just bottle stuff up so that I'm not a bother to anyone...
But...it's gotten so bad that even my mom is getting concerned for me...and...I'm just not sure what to do with myself at this point...i feel like if i don't get some things resolved soon I'll reach my breaking point.
I don't have very many people i can vent to irl because i feel like I'd just be burdening them and they wouldn’t understand my position and where I'm at and I'd just end up making them feel uncomfortable. ;-;
So as a result i bottle WAY too much up and I'm feeling very very burnt out...I've held so much in the stress of it is even taking a toll on my body...it has currently made me sick from holding so much in...and this isn't the first time it's happened either...
I'm learning that i shouldn't bottle so much up and that it's okay to lean on other people...just i don't know who to lean on sometimes. 😅
I sort of hate it sometimes...but I'm a bit of a loner. ;-; #foreveralone.
But a few of the things upsetting me are there's constant stress at home between everyone and everyone always seems to be depressed and overly iritable to the point where everyone will just blow up over the smallest thing...one second things will be okay and then the next it's a huge gong show with yelling and arguing. :( i guess my home environment feels very unstable...and it's getting to me...
I also don't feel like I'm taken seriously at my workplace so I'm stuggling with feelings of inadequacy. (Perhaps this is something i could overcome....but it's difficult because i don't feel very smart because i didn't get a good education growing up as some of you may already know...)
I had been deathly sick the past two weeks and i only just recovered...so on top of feeling uneasy at work I've missed a lot of it, so I'm broke...which means i can’t help my family with paying bills and they are struggling really badly financially too...so I've got the stress of "will we be homeless again?" On my shoulders...
My family and i have been homeless a few times before so it's a legitimate concern. :/
My sister just had another ear surgery to get rid of an infection that had lasted over a year and it got so bad that she would wake up with blood on her pillow :'( ...she can barely hear at all now
And just has so many health concerns day to day life is almost impossible for her...shes always in pain and doctors won't help her anymore because her condition is so rare they just dont know what to do with her. It seems all the good doctors are just too far away and its illigal for her to travel long distances because she physically isnt able to.
So i just don't know how to help her anymore and it's very worrying. :(
There is also this one person in my city that's constantly bugging me to make things for him but he doesn't have the money to pay for it...but he keeps promising that in the future he will...so i just keep putting up with his constant (and i mean CONSTANT) pestering and stalking (Oh yes. he's full blown STALKING me, he has even tried figuring out where I'll be and when and is always asking where ill be)
But i put up with all this in hopes that one day soon he'll finally be able to buy something from me and i can put a little dough away for either my family or myself...
(cause art school ain't cheap yo. Lol )
Because of my past i feel like an uneducated idiot...i don't feel smart at all even though people try to tell me i am...i just recently started taking ELA 30 (English Language Arts 30 ) because i wanted to get into an art school in a few years...but now I'm having doubts about that too...
So many people that have gone to art school are half and half on it...
Some people say that you learn things that you can't learn on your own there and it's a valuable experience to go to one and you also gain networking connections which is something very VERY useful to have in the artist industry...
Now on the OTHER hand, art school is friggin EXPENSIVE. And some people that have gone say that they didn't learn anything there, that the teachers were extremely uniformative and didn't teach much of anything at all and gave them assignments to look up how to do things online...which is basically what I'm doing right now to teach myself art anyways...so why would i pay like $70,000 Canadian...when i could end up wasting all that money with a bad experience like that??
It's a huge gamble...but with being 19 and not having my grade 12 diploma thanks to all the crap I've been through...i feel like i need some sort of degree in arts to be recognized as an artist so that I'm not constantly having to say "hey look at me! I've got talent and passion even though i don't have anything solid to vouch for it!" When I'm looking for jobs.
I want to have a solid successful future...to be able to build something great out of what i love to do...but I'm just not sure if i should take the gamle and do art school...or if i should teach myself online...technically if you know where to look you can teach yourself all you need to know about art with online tools...just...I've always wanted that school experience...and to have teachers tell you where you need to improve in and how to do it.
Amd besides that, my mom seriously injured her legs and has been in so much pain she can barley walk sometimes...but she still forces herself to do too much and she re injures herself ALL the time...and the doctors said if she isn't careful that she could need sugury on her legs in the future.
I don't want my mom to be physically disabled so i just do as much as i can...from the moment i wake up to the moment i go to bed im busy trying to do as much as i can to keep her off her legs but she's just soooo stubborn! :'( and i work from 9am to 5pm so i can’t always be there either...
Idk I'm just feeling burt out...worried, stressed, and trying to fight off depression...im constantly exausted...
Sort of recently...my best friend (well...ex best friend...) really hurt me...and turned out he wasn't even my friend at all and was just using me and pretending to be nice to me to try and get me to be his girlfriend...and when i rejected him...he blew up at me and insulted me and my family and was just a downright douche. (This is the ultra condensed version...a lot happened but i don't wanna blast your ears off with drama lol XD ) but yeah...i really invested a lot of my trust in him and didn't see the red flags...and the whole process really damaged me...
So since then I've had more trouble than ever wanting to talk with people or make any friends...i just became really introverted after that and i don't feel like myself.
But, I do know that there are people on here have been a great support to me and i can name at least a few people from here that i hold dear to my heart and who have really been a light to me. Even if we don't get to speak very often. I appreciate the support you all have given me....and sometimes, if I'm feeling sad I'll come and read encouraging comments that you all have left on here and it just totally makes my day brighter and warms my heart.
Sometimes i just really need that...and you all have been so nice...even though life is stressful for me i feel very lucky and blessed to know bright and kind shining lights like you guys. ^^
So, even though i may be feeling down at the moment...please know that you guys have helped me and inspired me and given me motivation in tough times.
I'm sorry if i sounded very dramatic or anything like that, and i apologise for the length of this chapter, i just had a lot bottled up and this is sort of a safe place for me i guess where i feel like i won't be judged too much. ^^
So...thank you for being my safe place! *hugs you all*
AND THANK YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME TO READ THIS YOU WONDERFUL PERSON YOU!
it means a lot that you were willing to put up with all that nonsense about my life. 😅
Ehh...anyways...if i kinda don't seem like my usual cheery self I'm sorry. I'm just having a hard time. ;-;
Weeeelll i haven't shared any art for a bit so i might as well throw in something quick eh? ;p
A sneak peak of something i sketched up. 😊 (this isn't the full drawing)
Weeeelll...i'm pretty tired so i better sleep.
Sorry again for all the nonsense i spilled in this chapter and if i rambled...i feel like i rambled a lot...i would go through all this and edit it...but it I'm really tired and i need to sleep because i work in the morning. So this is all just raw unedited typing of an exhausted emotionally drained girl. 😂
idk. I'm messed up and probably have more issues than vogue in my opinion. LOL. This was just a small slice of the drama of my life. *le taxed sigh* ;-;
But. Tbh...im not even really sure what i felt would be accomplished out of this...i just felt compelled to...like i needed to do it. Or something? 😅 lol.
Well I'm rambling again. Better get to sleep before it's time to wake up! XD
I hope you guys have a nice evening/day! Thanks again for your support. <3
Hope to be back with another drawing for you all, real soon. ^^
(Sorry again for the randomness)