"Man's feelings are always purest and most glowing in the hour of meeting and of farewell." ~Jean Paul Richter
Bonus Chapter- Conflicted
Jaxon's POV
I never thought it would be that bad. I never thought she would go crazy like that. It was her own fucking fault. Who the falls for someone they've only known, what, sixteen days? She had it coming. Now we have to go through the trouble of erasing her memory. Who the hell told her anyway? Claire? Chase? Probably Chase, that fucking asshole. I knew I should have let him rot in the alley. He's messed up anyway, something about him just always seemed wrong.
"Well that didn't go as planned." Dad's voice came from behind me.
"It was a long shot to begin with." I said. His hand came down on my shoulder.
"You did good." He said happily. I felt a swell of happiness as I saw how proud he was.
"Well, she's done." Mom came in and announced. I turned away as my mother and father became reacquainted by swapping spit.
"Who's taking her back?" I asked them.
"Daniel." Dad answered.
"Is that smart?" I asked them. "After all he did try and rape her." My jaw clenched as I finished the sentence, luckily my tone remained flat and my back was turned to my parents so they didn't notice.
"Why do you care?" Liam asked as he entered the room. "It's not like you really like her or anything."
"Who said I cared?" I asked my brother. "I was just asking if it was smart."
"Well, we're not really worried whether or not it's smart. We just need her back on her doorstep by the time she wakes up." Dad replied.
"You're the boss." I stated throwing myself on my bed.
"You should probably go talk to the others." Mom advised Dad. "I'll get her in the van and make sure Daniel knows what to do."
"Right." Dad verified. "Come on Liam, your brother will want some rest." Everyone left and suddenly I felt drained.
I felt empty in some strange way. Being around the void hadn't been as bad as I thought it was going to be. There were moments when I would find myself genuinely laughing along with her and times when she would catch me staring into her eyes that when it wasn't planned. At first, being with her was nearly impossible. Every time she went from human to void I would get this sick, twisting feeling in my stomach. Eventually, I learned to make sure I wasn't around when the change occurred.
Watching her go from void to human though, that was amazing. Like, everything in her just wakes up all at once. I liked the way she couldn't control her anger. In some sick and twisted way, I actually began to not care that she was a void. Was I heartbroken that she was gone? No. Leaving is what she chose. I guess she wanted to be with the mother who didn't give a fuck about her.
The twisting feeling in my stomach wouldn't go away. I wasn't guilty. The flashbacks of her sitting on the floor, so completely broken, kept appearing on the backs of my eyelids. The image was seared into my brain. Every time my heart beat it was like a small knife going deeper and deeper into it. I could feel my jaw muscles flex instinctively. I sat up on the bed and placed my socked feet on the ground. Head in my hands, I stared down at the ground, gripping onto my hair and pulling it to distract from everything else I felt.
Push the emotions away. I commanded myself mentally. Instead they seemed to grow and burrow themselves deeper into my chest.
My jaw was flexing quickly and all I could see was the way she looked up at me. Every smile, every blush, every teary expression was coming back to me all at once. I stood up quickly. The images kept coming. I balled my hand up into a fist and sent it into a nearby wall. The pain exploded up my arm but instead of distracting me from the other pain, it just added to it.
"Jaxon!" Claire's voice called from the hallway. I could feel her grab onto my arm and pull me away from the wall. She sat me down on the bed and began inspecting my hand. "You're so stupid, Jaxon." She said. I rolled my eyes and pulled my hand away from her. "I get it, you're feeling guilty."
"I'm not guilty." I said quickly.
"Yes," she said with such certainty as she pulled my hand back to her. "You are."
"I think you're the guilty one." I told her. "Those tears didn't look fake."
Her expression melted to one of regret and sadness.
"I was upset." She admitted. "I never thought I would actually get so close to a void. For a while I did look at her like a friend, but luckily Chase reminded me of what she really was." She said, not meeting my gaze. "Everyone feels a little guilty." She said.
"Even Audrey?" I asked. She rolled her eyes and finally looked me in the eyes.
"Anyone who actually got to know her." She corrected herself.
"Mom didn't look too beat up." I countered.
"Olivia was heartbroken when the plan first started. She couldn't even be around her without wanting to call the entire thing off and just sent Danny back." Claire explained.
Hearing Danny's name made the hurt become real again. I wasn't guilty. There was no way I could be. I was just doing what was best for the resistance. Everyone came to me with the plan, what else was I supposed to do?
"What we did..." I trailed off. "It was for the best, right?" I asked.
"Best for who?" Claire asked. "For Danny, no. For the resistance, maybe it would have been a good thing, had it worked out." She explained.
I had messed up. I had hurt her for no fucking reason. She was right. All along she told us that finding the cure would be useless, and she was right.
"But she'll be okay." I said. "She won't remember anything about this place, or being taken, or you and I." I said, my heart dropping with my words.
"But you and I have to live with this." Claire said, her tone haunting and empty. "I feel awful, Jaxon. She was kind and honest, she trusted us and we completely screwed her over."
"We can't do anything." I said suddenly sounding so much older than I was. "She doesn't remember us. The best thing for her is to just let her go on with her life."
"You fell for her." She said suddenly. "You actually fell for Danny. It wasn't a lie."
"I didn't fall for that void." I said harshly and immediately hated myself for saying it. It was a lie. I fell for Danny, but she was a void and I was a human. She felt nothing and I felt hundreds of things all the time. I felt guilt for hurting her, I felt disgusted with myself when I saw what pain I caused her, and now more than anything, I felt a gut wrenching sadness. Claire's were locked on mine, waiting for me to come to the conclusion that she was right, I did love Danny. "What do I do?" I asked. "I can't bring her back. Daniel is pissed, everyone hates her, this isn't a safe place for her. I can't take her somewhere else, there's nowhere else to go."
"No clue, but if you see her, tell her I'm sorry." She said.
A moment later I was all alone again. There was nothing I could do. My hands were tied. Daniel and Danny were probably on their way to her house now. The thought made me sick. Daniel alone with an unconscious Danny who won't remember who he is and just how dangerous he can be.
The image of her after the attack appeared several times after she was in my room. I held her while she trembled in fear, while she cried because of what he was going to do to her. Eventually the pill wore off and she was finally able to sleep. I lied on the floor, listening to her even breathing, too pissed to even think of sleeping. Anytime I closed my eyes the flashbacks would start. Daniel wide eyed after being caught, his bloodied face, my mother's horrified expression, but more importantly, her blank stare. She just watched, with blood running down the side of her face, as I punched Daniel until his nose was shattered. I hated that, but not because she didn't care. That was how I used to think about them, that they didn't care about anything-they were just heartless beings that didn't give a shit. I hated that she knew what was going on, she knew what he was going to do, but she couldn't let it out. She was a person with so many emotions but no way to let them out. I hated that she had to deal with that.
Would she take the pill again? She hadn't taken it before but that didn't mean they didn't have any. If she did, would the emotions come rushing back, or would they be erased with her memory? I didn't want that for her. To feel all this confusion and hurt without knowing why, that would be a living hell.
I couldn't help but have a small part of me yearn for her to remember me. I knew that was selfish, but I didn't care. She had quickly become something I couldn't live without.
That was it. I can't live without her. It's just not possible. I need her, and I won't be without her.