8/8/15
THE HOUSE IS empty as I sit on the living room couch.
It's the big day. Bailey and Cale are getting married and besides the part of me that dreads attending their big day there is another sense of gloom that lingers within me as well.
I can hear my heart beating in my chest as the deafening silence of the house consumes me.
Suddenly there is a knock on the front door and the loud beating of my heart stops all together. I slowly stand from the couch and try and gain my confidence as I make my way to the front door.
I close my eyes before opening the door to reveal a set of what still is my favorite shade of green.
"Hey," Max breathes as a huge smile breaks our over his handsome face.
My heart aches even more, but it doesn't break. Because only one man has the power to break me, but also to put me back together.
"Hi," I smile back weakly in response. I stand aside as I open the door even more to let him walk inside.
Max makes his way through the entryway as I close the door gently behind myself.
"So what did you want to talk about?" he questions. "Cause shouldn't you be at the church with your sister by now?" Max's face is filled with a lightheartedness that always shines through him, and I'm about to take that away. God, I hate myself.
I nod. "I told Bai I would meet her there," I say but the words come out rushed and awkward. His face scrunches as worry laces through his expressions. He can tell something is off with me, with us, with everything.
"So what did you want to talk about?" he asks once again. But this time there isn't a smile. Not even the small crack of one. His words are filled with underlying questions and my heart beats even faster.
"Umm..." I trail uncomfortably not knowing how to start. More accurately not knowing how to end something that was so perfect. But just not perfect for me.
"Grayson," he says my name and my whole body wants to grab him and kiss him one last time, but I don't. Because it isn't fair to him, nothing this summer has resulted in has been fair to him. "What's wrong?"
I clear my throat and my hands squeeze into fists as my nails cut into the palms of my hands. "I don't know how to say this Max," I start. "But I can't do this anymore," I finish with a breath I didn't even know I had been holding.
His eyes hold mine as a wave of confusion and sadness roll and tumble through his face. The pain that's evident in his wild eyes makes my eyes tinge with hot tears, but I hold them back. I don't deserve to mourn for breaking a piece of Max. I don't get to mourn when I'm doing almost the exact same thing Cale did to me to Max, who is a better man then I ever deserved.
"Why?" he asks simply.
"Because I leave after the wedding and go back to school in Illinois and you will be down here and—"
"Why?" he asks again cutting off my lame reason. My stupid excuse because I can't say the real reason I can't be with him anymore.
"What I was just saying is why," I tell Max. "Long distance never works and—"
"Stop with the bullshit Grayson and tell me the truth," he demands. "You like to pretend that you have this wall up that blocks out the whole world, and it might. But not me, I see everything," he explains. "Now tell me the truth."
I swallow the lump in my throat and say what I have to say. I didn't want to lie to him like Cale lied to me, but saying the real reason of why I'm ending this isn't any easier. I don't want to hurt him, though I know it's too late for that.
"Because you deserve better then me Max—"
He cuts me off as he takes a few steps towards me making my heart flutter. "No," he states simply but harshly. "You're not ending this cause you're scared of what you feel for me Grayson," he steps closer as he speaks and his hands are on my shoulders before I realize it. "This is ours," he whispers his promise to me once again.
Blurry tears fill my eyes openly now, but I refuse to let them fall. I can't cry, I can't.
He leans in to kiss me and I almost let him. I let his lips graze mine because I'm selfish and I want to feel him one last time. But I don't let it go any further because I know I would let him consume me, and we would go to a point of no return. A point of where he would fall for me completely and I would still be stuck on another man.
I pull away before I let him take this too far, and I take a step away from the comfort of his hands and body.
The comfort I've selfishly taken all summer.
"Max," I begin as my voice cracks from the rising tears that I won't let fall. "You are amazing, and I like you a lot," I pause before saying the next words knowing I'm driving the knife with what I'm about to say. "But I won't ever love you the way I should, the way you deserve. "
He takes a step forward, but I take a step backwards. "You don't know what I want let alone what I deserve, that is something only I can choose for myself and you can't just keep running away—"
I throw my hands in the air as I cut him off. "I am running away, I'm always running away because I'm in love with someone who I can never have!" I exclaim.
Max's body sags at my words. "In love?" he asks softly as his eyes slice a piece of my aching heart. "The guy from your past," he comments as if everything is falling into place for him.
All I can do is nod.
Max shakes his head as his jaw locks and his lips flatten into a thin line. I've seen Max upset before, but never pissed. And he is downright pissed at this moment, and he has every right to be.
"He isn't right for me, he broke me, but he is all I want," I say and for the first time I let a tear fall from captivity. "He is all I picture when I close my eyes at night, when I picture my future he is who I see, and I hate it so much," I sigh. "You have no idea how much I hate it Max, because you are amazing and I like you so much, but..." I trail unable to finish.
"But I'm not the one," he finishes for me.
I nod weakly as another tear openly falls down my cheek.
"You keep saying I deserve better, but you do," he urges. "You deserve so much better than this asshole Grayson."
I wipe at the salty tears on my face. "I know," I murmur in response.
"Because he's just going to keep stringing you along," he adds.
"I know."
"If you know then why won't you walk away from this idiot and pick me!" he shouts. My eyes shut in an instinctual flinch. Though not at the force of his voice, but at how right his words hit me in this moment. I know I should walk away and choose Max, but I can't because my heart belongs to someone else. Someone who doesn't deserve my heart like Max says, and yet here I still am.
I open my eyes to meet his beautiful jungle colored ones. Max is amazing, and sweet, and perfect. But I don't want perfect. I've never wanted perfect.
"He makes me feel alive," I tell him.
Max scoffs at my words. "You're just asking to get hurt again."
I don't disagree with him.
He starts towards the front door behind me not able to take anymore from me obviously when he stops cold in his tracks as if something hit him.
Max turns his head deliberately so he is looking straight at me. "Tell me it's not Cale," he breathes.
I drop his gaze as tears fall one after another like a steady rainfall. Like the quiet rain that fell around me four years ago when Cale squashed my heart to pieces.
"When he breaks you're heart again I won't be here to pick up the pieces," he comments. I don't ask how or why he assumed the man from my past was Cale, but he came to that conclusion and I won't lie to him.
I swallow the rest of the tears and force myself to look him square in the face. "I wouldn't want you to," I reply. "Because you deserve better than me," I repeat.
He shakes his head. "No, Grayson you deserve better, but you can't see that," he says. "You can't see what I was able to give you."
"And what was that?" I question.
"A love that was ours," and with those words he leaves and slams the front door behind himself.
My body immediately crumbles to the floor as tears stream down my face and wet my lips.
I don't regret ending things with Max, because I know it was the right thing to do when I couldn't love him the way he loved me.
But that doesn't make it hurt any less.
Max is a great guy, and deserves to be loved with unashamed and wild love. A love that is deep and untamed and needy and amazing. A love that I feel for someone else. Someone I can't have.
A wave of calmness suddenly hits me and I wish I could run out and hug Max. Not because I want him back, but because I want to thank him.
While I don't know if Max truly loved me, I know he fell for me. He treated me as an equal, and comforted me at some of my darkest moments. He made me feel loved for the first time in a long time.
Max and I aren't meant to be, but we were for a small moment. He won't see it yet, but he will one day. Because I needed him to realize that while Cale will always be whom I want, it doesn't mean that I can't find someone else. When I was with Max I would forget the pain Cale caused my heart, I was happy, I was loved.
But I couldn't take that next step. I couldn't fully fall, and maybe that's because Cale is here, around me, surrounding me, suffocating me.
Max showed me I could fall, and though he wasn't the one maybe someone else can.
Maybe I can find love once I leave Easton, maybe I can find another shooting star in my life.
Though I know it will be hard, I have to try because I'm done ruining my life or others for Cale. I love him. I will always love him.
But I can't have him, and I've finally come to terms with that.
A sigh flies through my body as my body relaxes against the wall I'm sitting in front of. Max will find someone better then me, and I hope he realizes I was just a fleeting moment one summer that taught him what true love could be.
Because I've experience true love, and it is in fact like seeing a shooting star for the first time. It's breathless, perfect, and magical, and sadly short-lived.