6/23/15
"HEY KY!" I call out cheerfully to Kylie as I spot her sitting in the corner booth of the local sandwich shop.
I hold my tray in my hands and make my way over before sliding into the booth seat across from her.
"Hey!" she responds with a large smile. "So glad we are getting lunch. I feel like it's been forever since I've seen you!"
"I know," I agree as my nose scrunches in a tinge of sadness. "It's been too long, and I'm sorry life's been crazy," I tell her as I open up my wrapped sandwich.
"Ugh, same," Kylie responds. "So how has everything been?" she asks before taking a bite of her pita.
I lift a single shoulder nonchalantly. "Fine," I mumble around a bite of my chicken, mozzarella, and tomato sandwich.
"Gray," she nags knowing I'm hiding something.
"What?" I ask innocently. "Everything really is fine," I say trying not to divulge too much into the craziness that has been my life lately.
"What about Cale?" she asks.
"What about him?" I counter.
"Grayson..." she trails knowing something is going on.
I let out a loud frustrated sigh, and place my sandwich back on my tray. I wet my lips before finally speaking. "I um..." I barely get out before dropping my eyes to my lap in shame. I clear my throat, "Something did happen and I don't want you to judge me or—"
Kylie cuts me off with a raised hand to stop my words. "You know I never would Gray," she says. "We all screw up in life," she affirms. "Believe me I know."
I nod knowing she is right, but that I also messed up in a way that I can never take back. "Yeah, well I totally screwed up," I tell her as grief fills my chest at the pain I have of hurting my sister the way I did.
"What happened?" she questions. Her eyes hold mine, and I know I can tell her anything. But that doesn't make it any easier to say the worlds aloud.
"We kissed..." I say awkwardly trying to keep Kylie's gaze, but dropping them to my sandwich as shame fills heart and coats my cheeks red.
"Who kissed?" she pushes not getting what I'm saying.
I give her a pointed look knowing I won't be able to say those awful words again.
"Shut the fuck up!" she exclaims as a hand flies to her mouth in utter shock.
"Kylie!" I scold under my breath at her choice of words. I can feel some eyes on us in the small restaurant as silence rings around us at her outburst, but I try to ignore the stares.
"I'm sorry I just...wow," she breathes her eyes wide in pure disbelief.
"I know I really messed up," I say as my face pulls in disgust at myself.
"So what happened after?" she asks leaning in to me as if I'm about to tell her the secret to the perfect hair day instead of how I screwed over my sister.
"I ended it," I say quietly. "For real," I add more for myself because while Kylie might not know I've tried to end it before, but I do. "I love my sister and what we did wasn't right for anyone," I say. "Not Bailey, or Cale, or myself, or even Max," I add hating the way my I flinch saying Max's name. I really do like him.
"Did you tell him?" Kylie asks as my eyebrows knit in confusion. "Max, I mean," she immediately clarifies. "You aren't exclusive," she points out.
I nod in understanding. "I know we aren't, but I still did because I want to have a relationship with him. I actually like Max," I say honestly.
"He won't ever be Cale," she says. And I know she doesn't say this to hurt me, she says it to be realistic. Max and or any other guy won't ever be Cale, and I've come to realize that maybe that's okay. Maybe that's for the best.
"Exactly," I say frankly.
We sit in silence as my words settle around us. The pain of what I did still weighs heavily on my heart. Cale was my world at one point, but he's Bailey's world now and I have to move on. I thought I was free from the hold he had on me, but this summer has taught me otherwise. I've learned more about myself these past weeks than I have my last two years in college.
It's not easy to get over someone who owns a piece of your heart. But for the first time in a long time I'm actually trying and it hasn't ended in horror yet. And that's all because of Max.
Kylie's eyes meet mine. "So what now?" she asks.
I lift a single shoulder in a shrug. "I help Bailey marry the man she loves," I breathe.
"But if Cale loved her back he wouldn't have—"
I shake my head cutting her off. "No," I start firmly. "He loved her and asked her to marry him. He made that decision to be with her for the rest of his life. He does love her. It's just that—"
"The past is hard to let go of," Kylie finishes for me.
I lean back in the booth, and settle into the cushioned seat. "Yeah, it really can be," I reply. "But I'm doing it. I've let go, I'm moving on with Max."
Kylie plays with her straw wrapper. "So how is that now?"
"It's good," I answer truthfully. "Being with him doesn't make me scared anymore. He blots out the pain of the past and eases my heartache." He is the water that I need in the flames that are Cale Hasting.
"Wow," Kylie exhales.
"He makes me happy for the first time in a long time. I don't know if we have some perfect future ahead of us, but for now—"
"You're happy," she says taking the precise words out of my mouth.
I smile. "I am."
* * * * *
"Hey Gray, is that you?" I hear my father voice shout from the kitchen.
"Yeah, it's me!" I reply as I toss my sandals onto the rug, and shrug off my light cardigan to place it on the hook by the front door.
I make my way to the kitchen to see my father pouring two large glasses of lemonade.
"One of those better be for me," I say playfully. While at the same time not joking at all, because a glass of lemonade sounds perfect right about now.
"Of course," he responds. My father turns and walks towards me to hand me the cold glass. "I was thinking we could sit out on the deck for a while, and talk," he says casually.
I take a sip of the tart drink and nod. "Yeah, sounds good to me," I smile not thinking anything of his request. My father and I used to be very close when I was younger. I was always a daddy's girl, and still am. But with the distance I've put between myself and my family it's been hard to be as close to him as I once was.
We both take a seat on the white wicker chairs on the open deck at the back of our house. We sit in silence as seagulls, waves, and the sound of the ice in our drinks clinking against the glass surround us.
"I'm sorry," my father says out of nowhere.
My face pulls in confusion as I set my glass down. "Dad, what do you have to be sorry for?" I ask completely puzzled by his words.
"I just mean it must be hard and—"
"Dad," I say sitting up in my chair. "I have no idea what you're talking about," I tell him with wide eyes and raised brows. "Is everything okay?" I ask.
"Cale," he says simply.
My lips part in surprise. "What are you saying right now?" I ask taken back.
My father looks right at me, his blue eyes that we share holding mine. "I know Gray," he says gently into the wind.
I drop my gaze into my lap, and try to stop my hands from shaking as a surge of anxiety courses through me. "I don't know what you mean," I tell him as I fist my hands and press them into my lap in attempts to stop the shaking.
"Gray..." he trails.
"Dad, I don't—" I stop myself short. If my father knows then what's stopping me from talking to him about it? He knows, which means I don't need to lie anymore. I raise my eyes to his as tears prick mine. "How?" I ask quietly.
He settles into his chair and takes a sip of his lemonade. "I saw him leave your room one morning through the French doors that lead to the beach one summer years ago," he says calmly.
A low gasp flies through my lips. "Why didn't you say anything?" I question.
He shrugs. "Of course I wanted to say something Gray," he tells me. "You were and always will be my little girl, and some guy leaving your room...." he trails as a grunt flies from his mouth. "I was pissed," he nods. "But," he says unable to finish.
"But what?" I ask.
My father turns so his gaze isn't on the ocean anymore, but me. "You were so happy that summer and I knew," he pauses. "I knew it was because you were falling in love," he finishes.
I run a hand through my tangled hair in disbelief. "Did you know then it was Cale?" I ask.
My father shakes his head. "No, I never saw his face when he left," he admits. "And then you changed," he adds. "You were sad, and I could hear you cry every night, and I knew he broke your heart and I wanted to kill him," he says as his voice goes deadly flat. "Even though I didn't know who he was, he hurt you and that was all that mattered."
"I thought he was the one," I say as a painful ache runs through my chest.
My father fists his hand that lies on the table. "That's young love at its finest," he says gruffly.
"Yeah," I say simply in agreement. "But how did you know? You never saw his face," I say. Are Cale and I just that obvious? But how has no one else figured it out then?
"You're mother mentioned you saying something about shooting stars, and she just couldn't remember where we had heard that before," he says. "But I remembered," he tells me.
I drop my head suddenly remembering telling my parents that phrase. "I said it that summer," I say. My parents and I were talking about the stars, and I told them the story of Cale's father and grandmother. But I told them it was from a friend, but I never said whom.
"You did," he tells me. "But Bailey said it also. She told us the story and said it was from Cale's parents. I had never heard another story like that and the odds were to weird to be a coincidence," he shrugs as the pieces fall into place for me. "And then there's the way he looks at you still," he adds quietly.
"What?" I ask breathlessly almost not even hearing my father over the sounds of the dancing ocean.
He tilts his head. "Gray, I can see it," he says. "He still loves you."
I shake my head fervently hating the way my heart skips a beat at my father's words. My heart wants to believe what's he's saying, but my brain knows better then to fall for those false words. Because I won't, and can't ever go back to the way I felt about Cale. It's too unstable, and wild, and I felt way too much. I also love Bailey too much for that to happen.
"Dad, no," I state. "He doesn't and don't say things like that ever please," I say trying to keep the begging tones out of my cry. "He loves Bailey and she loves him. Nothing more or less."
"Are you sure about that?" he pushes.
"Yes," I say though a voice in the back of my head whispers at me in questioning.
"Okay," he says simply.
"Dad," I start. "I love you and I know I've messed up in the past. But I will never hurt Bailey and she loves Cale, and that's the end of it," I say sternly. "So let's not bring this up ever again," I tell him.
My father takes a sip of the lemonade that's getting warmer by the hot sun, and nods once at my words.
I grab my drink and stand up as I begin to walk back into the house as my father calls out to me, "Gray."
"What?" I ask facing the sliding doors. Refusing to turn around and face him or his next words.
"You're going to be all right," is all he says before I make my way back into the house.
I won't let myself think of that conversation. I can't believe my father never said anything about Cale, and of all times he waits until now. But I won't let it ruin my progress. I'm slowly freeing myself from the hold Cale has on me, and letting myself fall for Max in the mean time. It's not easy, but I'm doing it because I love Bailey and I need to be free.
But as I sit on my bed and stare at the ceiling I can't help but maybe think my father was right about one thing. That I am going to be all right, and that's because of me. Not Cale.