6/12/15
"HOLY SHIT!" I shout excitingly in response to what sits in front of Max and myself.
I don't know how Max does it, but somehow every date just gets better and better.
Max laughs at my reaction. "So you're excited?" he asks as uneasiness tinges his words.
I turn to him with a giddy smile lifting my lips. "Yes, yes, a million times yes!" I exclaim as I nod over and over again.
He sighs as the worry that once filled his body is now washed away with relief. "Okay good, I was worried you would think it was dumb..." he trails as he shoves his hands into his pockets. His cheeks flush slightly and I can't help but find him even cuter.
I shake my head. "This is awesome Max," I pause as I meet his green eyes. "Thank you," I tell him honestly.
I told Max on our first date that I haven't been to a carnival in years, and how much I missed them. When I was young my parents would always take Bailey and I to the county carnivals every summer. They held so many good memories for me, but I didn't know telling Max this little piece of information would lead to this.
Max drove for over an hour without letting up on the surprise, even though I begged him to tell me. He took us to another town that is having their annual carnival. The bright colorful lights, the smell of fried food and sticky candy, and the sounds of excited screams fill the air around me making me dizzy with happiness.
I place a small kiss on Max's pink stained cheek, and grab onto his hands pulling him towards the ticket booth eagerly. He trails behind me as I lead him through the small patch of security and into the park.
Max laughs at my eagerness as I pull him into the center of the park where the carnival is being held. "What do you want to do Grayson?" he asks me as we continue to stroll through the crowded carnival space.
My eyes take in the bright flashing lights of the rides, and all the kids running around hyped up on sugar and adrenaline. Max's hand squeezes mine, and the warmth of him reminds me of his presence. I turn to face his jungle eyes and can't help but smile. Max is every girls dream man, and I don't know why he chose me to be with. Cynical and cold me somehow found someone who warms my heart and it makes me tingle with excitement once again.
I turn away from his gaze and look up to see the main attraction of any carnival. The ferris wheel.
I lift a single finger to point at the colorfully bright wheel before us. "I want to ride that first," I say holding back a smile.
He nods once. "Perfect," he smirks slightly and tugs on my hand to pull me towards the ride. We walk over and wait in line with the next group of riders. Couples are scattered around us, and I can't help but smile a bit. I know this is the most cliché thing for a couple to ride, but an overwhelming part of me wants to do this with Max. I want to be cliché for the first time in a long time, and it makes me anxious and excited all in the same moment.
A young teen couple stands next to us and I watch them. The girl can't stop smiling and the boy can't take his eyes off of her. They are young and wildly in love and while a part of me wants to warn them, another part of me wishes I could be them. I wish I wasn't ruined beyond repair and could give my heart away without a second thought. But I can't.
My eyes flicker over to Max who is staring at the busy lights around us, and my heart beats faster. Maybe he can be the one. Maybe he's the one I can finally give myself to.
Immediately my skin goes cold and I drop my eyes at the thought. It's too soon for those thoughts. I barely know him. But what I know is amazing, my mind whispers at me. Suddenly Max is pulling me into the gated area of the ride and my thoughts move away from my greatest fear: Giving my heart to someone who will just crush it again.
The wheel rotates until it's our turn to slip into the cool metal seat. The couple that gets out as we slide in looks at a tad rumpled, and with one glance at Max we both erupt into a fit of hushed giggles. We both notice the guy's miss buttoned shirt and the girl's messy hair.
"Is that why you wanted to ride this?" Max asks as he grips the bar and pulls it down on us. The worker grabs the bar quickly to check it, and we slowly move up so the rest of the ride can fill up.
I chuckle. "Is what why?" I ask innocently while twirling the ends of my long hair around my finger.
Max wraps an arm around my shoulders and pulls me closer. "To seduce me," he whispers against my ear.
A small shiver spins down my spine at his hushed words. Is that why I brought him up here? Did I have an ulterior motive for wanting to ride this ride with Max? I shake my head and turn towards him our faces just mere inches apart. "Do you want me to seduce you?" I ask with the arch of an eyebrow.
His eyes darken slightly. "Maybe just a little," he admits with a small smirk tugging at his pink lips.
My tongue dips out to wet mine in a silent response. I face forward away from Max and straighten my body while still maintaining his arm around me.
We are close to the top before the whole ride is finally full and I let myself sink more in Max's enjoying the comfort he brings my body. The wheel begins to turn slowly as I take in the dark clear night that lies above us. My eyes are trained on the sky looking for something without even knowing what, and then Max's hand lands on my thigh. Innocent or not I'm abruptly tossed into a memory I didn't even know existed because I had tucked it so far away.
"Ohmygod Cale stop!" I giggle quietly as his hand tries once again to trail up the inside of my thigh under the flutter of my sundress.
His warm breath hits my neck. "Just one little touch Gray, please," he begs. "You're just so fucking perfect," he murmurs as my breath shallows and my skin turns hot. My mother taught me a young age to not curse, and to despise when others did it themselves. But when Cale rumbles dirty sayings in my ear I always melt secretly loving the naughty words.
He places a single kiss to my collarbone and I can't help but fall further into his touch. With every kiss I crave more. I love Cale Hasting. I love him so much it hurts. It's just something I haven't told him yet. I'm scared to tell him because what if he doesn't feel the same way. What if he thinks of me just as a fling and I ruin everything? He makes me feel like I can fly and I never want to fall.
Suddenly the ferris wheel jerks and we are moving once again. We are about to reach the top, finally. We are so close to the top that I straighten up and push Cale's wandering hands out from under my dress. I can't be distracted by his devilish touch right now. He grunts in protest but he takes his hands off of me.
"Gray," he groans.
I lean into him and place a chaste kiss onto his soft lips. "Just let me look at the sky," I beg playfully.
Cale leans into steal another kiss from me, and I can't help but linger longer than I wanted. I have to break apart before we get too carried away, which elicits another groan of protest.
"Cale, please," I say quietly.
He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear and lets his fingers linger on the flushed skin of my cheek. "You'll see one when you do Gray," he whispers.
I bite at the inside of my lip as anxiety fills me. I turn to face Cale, his handsome face causing my pulse to race as usual. "What if I don't?"
"You will," he says. "Promise," he shrugs like it's nothing. But he's wrong this means everything to me.
I shake my head. "Don't," I say with my eyes cast to my lap. "You can't promise such a thing Cale."
"Gray, it's not that big of a deal really," he sighs. "It was just a story my grandma use to tell me. If you don't see a shooting star it won't be the end of the world."
I pull away slightly from his touch. His words hurt me a little. I want to see a shooting star. I need to see one, and I have my reasons. I tell myself that I just want to see a shooting star because I'm worried I might fall for someone and then see a shooting star and realize I don't really love that person. I tell myself I want to experience a shooting star for future reference.
But the truth is that I need validation in what I feel for Cale. I'm too scared to say I love him, but if I know what I feel during a shooting star is what I feel for him when he kisses me then I can know for sure. I've never experienced love before, and it's something extremely scary to feel for someone like Cale. He is older, and a Hasting, and has the power to break me if he wants. He owns me so much more than he will ever know, and that realization is the scariest.
Cale wraps his hand around my waist and pulls me into him. And before I can say anything his lips press into mine. They are strong, and assured, and just a little rough, which has me weak immediately.
My hands slide into his hair and grip just a little too hard as I pull him into me. I may be scared to tell him how I feel, but I can show him for damn sure.
His hands slide under my dress and grip at my bare thighs as I throw a leg carelessly over his allowing him more access to under my dress. His hands on my naked skin have always thrown me into a frenzy, and tonight is no different. I bite at his bottom lip playfully when his fingers graze the scrap of lace that lies upon my hips. My fingernails scrape down his neck in response to his fingers tugging at my white undies. I can feel the small raised pink lines I've left in my nails wake on his neck, and for some reason it just turns me on even more.
I lift my hips in response to Cale's hesitant touch as my tongue battles for power with his. We've messed around before and it's gotten heated, but it's never been like this. It's as if every touch of his fingers is hitting a live wire, and my body doesn't know how to respond to such intense need and pleasure.
"Ow ow!"
"Oh yeah, tap that!"
"Ew, no get a room!"
We break apart at the sudden shouts and whistling we hear coming from some guys and a girl above us, and I quickly pull away from Cale in embarrassment. I've never let Cale get so close to touching me in a public place, and that fact that I almost let him makes my body flush. I need to have more control when it comes to Cale, but I know no matter how much I try that with one look I would let him do anything to me anywhere.
My face is hot and I know most likely red as I pull the rest of my body off of Cale. I straighten out of my dress, and press my thighs together lightly to ease the need coursing steadily through my body.
Cale scoots over towards me. "Gray?" he whispers.
I tuck my hair behind my ears in attempt to look unaffected from him and from the embarrassment of those boys. "Yeah?" I ask swallowing down the lump in my throat.
"Did you feel that?" he questions.
My eyebrows knit together in confusion. "Feel what?" I ask.
His hand tangles with mine and I hold on tightly realizing I needed his touch more than I thought. "Feel everything," he smiles. His hazel eyes light up at his words and I can't help but fall into his gaze. "You don't need a shooting star to know what to feel."
I wet my lips and close my eyes, nervous of what I'm about to tell him. "I'm scared of what I feel Cale," I admit. And in that moment I give Cale my heart. I've loved him for a while now, but I still held onto a part of my heart in fear. But not now, now he has everything. Everything to love me, but also everything to ruin me.
Cale lips turn up into a small smile at my words. "Me too Gray, me too," he whispers as his arms wrap around me pulling me closer into his body. Melding out bodies together until his warmth and comfort seeps in mine.
I might've not admitted to loving him. But at the same time I think Cale might've just told me he did. My heart beats steadily as I lean into this perfect mans arms. This perfect man that I love, and maybe just maybe he might love me back.
"Grayson?"
"Grayson are you okay?" I hear finally as Max's hand shakes my shoulder lightly.
I blink my eyes to clear my thoughts of Cale and try and focus on the amazing man in front of me. "Yeah, yeah?" I rasp out trying to shove away the memory of Cale.
"Are you okay?" Max asks as his face scrunches together in worry and laced with confusion.
I shake my head no but mumble, "Yes."
"You sure cause—"
I cut him off. "I'm fine. Just got light headed for a second," I lie. "Would if be okay if we sat down for second after this ride?" I ask unable to look at Max as these old feelings for Cale continue their assault on me.
I hate Cale Hasting so much. Every time I begin to move on and feel something for anyone memories of him come flying back at me. And it's hard to not let them get to me, because who doesn't want to love like they did when they were young? Who doesn't want wild abandon, and sneaking around, and the thrill of being caught? It's addicting that feeling, that thrill, but it's also dangerous. And I need to let it go, I need to let Cale go completely or I will never be able to move on from this hold he still has on me. I thought we were over, but I need to fully let him go for this to be over. For us to be finally out to rest.
I finally glance at Max and all I can see is concern slide over his face. His hand finds mine and covers it with his in a small pass of reassurance. I know he can tell something is wrong, but he says nothing else and nods at my suggestion of sitting down after this ride.
Max again planned the perfect date, and is the perfect guy, and here I am thinking of the worst guy for me. With a sigh I clutch onto Max's hand harder and try and shove my thoughts of Cale away.
I won't let Cale ruin this date. I won't.
But if I were being truthful to myself I would know I already did. I let him ruin everything because I won't let myself forget him. I don't try and think about the man who broke me beyond repair, and in the process the relationships I have with everyone I love including my sister have suffered. I just don't think I realized how deep he was in my veins, how much he still ran through me. The memories burn through me of him and that summer hotter than I ever wanted.
But I'm done sitting in the flames and letting them consume me.
I let my eyes wash over Max and realize he's more than just an attractive guy who makes my heart beat faster. He's the bucket of water I need to douse the flames of Cale that still surround me.
He's just what I needed.