A/N here you go! I didn't have a ton of homework this weekend so I had time to make an extra long chapter. Hope you like it. Up here is a picture of a tattoo ^
I leave dinner early to run over everything Four and I talked about. I bump through the corridors after eating only a bowl of pasta and a bit of chicken to get to the dorms. Swinging the door open, I whirl over to my bed and flop down on top of the covers. Peter, I think to myself. How did Four see it? How didn't I?
I wander over to the showers and step underneath one of the shower heads. I figure warm water will help soothe me and prepare me for tomorrow's simulations. I tie my long, chestnut hair into a messy bun before turning on the water. I close my eyes as he water releases the tension in my muscles and turns my pale skin red. Scrubbing away at the bits of dirt on me, I subconsciously start to hum. I don't quite know what song it is, but I've heard it before while exploring through the Dauntless compound. I don't know who wrote it, but Tori told me, after singing it to her, that it's one of the most well-known songs in Dauntless, and was written before the war. I begin to mumble the words to the first verse before growing more confident in my singing.
"I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose, fire away, fire away. Ricochet, you take your aim, fire away, fire away. You shoot me down, but I won't fall, I am titanium. You shoot me down but I won't fall, I am titanium." I turn the water off with wrinkly fingers while belting out the final chorus, then pulling a towel around me and gathering my dirty clothes.
"You have a nice voice." I almost drop the towel in surprise when I see Peter sitting down on his bunk with his fingers laced in his lap. I pull the towel up around me and feel the heat rushing to my face.
"I'm really not that good," I ramble. To grab a clean outfit, I stumble over to my own bunk. I awkwardly turn around so that my back faces Peter as I pull on my clothes.
"Oh, but you really are. You should sing for me more often." I turn my head and roll my eyes before sitting down and cautiously pulling on a pair of shorts. I mumble a faint "we'll see," before picking up my dirty clothes and towel.
"I need to go put these in the wash. I'll be back," I explain.
"I'll come with you?" Peter suggests. "I have clothes to dump anyways."
"O-okay," I stutter. Who knew realizing I like him would make me so... awkward? Peter gathers a bunch of random garments near his bunk and follows me out the door. The trips there and back are full of regular chatter, though everything feels a bit different now. I hope it goes away.
• • •
"So how are you coping with this revelation of yours?"
"I thought you were an instructor, not an emotional therapist or... or a love life consultant."
"As appealing as those may be," Four laughs, "I think I'll stick with this."
"Thought so," I say with a smile. "And to answer your question, I'm starting to get awkward around him. Like, really awkward."
"That's okay," Four instructs. "Just be yourself. He already li– never mind." I lift an eyebrow at Four's abrupt ending and sit back in the chair. He comes at me with the syringe and a faint smile on his lips as he whispers a quiet "be brave."
I'm standing on a giant platform in the middle of the Pit. I look beside me to see Eric and Max on my left, and two other people, of whom I assume to be leaders as well, on my right. I don't know what's going on until Max calls for silence.
"Here, we have three children standing before us! They were taken to be used as examples, for all those who choose to defy our system and disobey! Their sentence is death! These executions will be carried out by our newest leader, Jax!" I have an impulse to wave to the crowd of Dauntless, so I do. This is weird – nobody kills anyone here from faction to faction. I look down at the examples here of what happens if you don't behave. They all seem familiar. There are two boys and one girl, all my age. One of the boys has olive skin and dark hair, while the other is blonde with very pale skin. The girl has auburn hair pulled up into a tight, Abnegation-esque bun. The only similarities between these three are their electric blue eyes with innocent glimmers. This isn't right, but I want them dead.
Wait, what?
"Let the execution begin!" Max shouts. I feel the urge to point the gun at the blonde haired boy. The edge of my pistol is pressed against his forehead; he quivers in nervousness and clenches his eyes in fear. I feel my mouth plasticize into a wicked grin as I let out a twisted laugh. My fingers squeeze the gun and the ring of the shot echoes throughout the Pit. The boy drops dead as the girl next to him gasps in horror. The satisfaction runs through my veins as it battles with the fear coursing in the other direction. I just killed an innocent person, and I feel good about it. What is wrong with me? I'm living as a cruel, vicious, warped version of myself, and I can't stand it. I've lost myself, and I don't know if I can find my way back. I shuffle over to the girl, and fight against myself to keep the gun at my side. Shoot her, I think to myself, before instantly pushing the thought away with all my strength. The other me wins the battle as I find my arm raised and the gun positioned right below a loose auburn tuft. I clench my eyes and fight the urge to pull – wait, no, squeeze – the trigger as hard as I can. I feel myself losing, though I put up a good fight. I give up and turn away as my finger encloses the trigger. I hear the all too familiar ring and slump of another person dead.
Time slows down as I begin to hear a faint thumping in my head. I'm not the kind of person to shoot innocent people in front of everybody, just for the sake of it, am I? I've lost myself, and the only way I know how to get it back is to fight for it. I step over to the last boy, his electric blue eyes unfitting with his calm, neutral demeanour. I raise the gun to his head, my fingers trembling as I fight with myself. I want to kill him, but is that really me speaking? Come on, Jax...
"No," I say, and bring the gun down.
"Jax, kill the boy," Max orders.
"No," I say again.
"Do it!" Max roars. I look at him and the other three leaders before lifting the gun to my own forehead. I don't hesitate as Max shouts at me to stop before pulling the trigger. A rush of fear runs through me as everything goes black.
"So you'd rather die, than... kill someone innocent?" Four inquires.
"No, it's not that," I correct Four. "I'm scared of losing myself. I'd rather die myself than become someone I don't want to be."
Four nods his head. "Me too." He walks back over to the computer screen and scrolls through some data. "7 minutes." I nod my head. That should bring my average up to just under nine minutes.
"Okay. Thanks Four, see you in the afternoon," I call, before exiting the room. I send Peter a shy smile as he passes by, our arms brushing for a split second sending my heart pounding out of time. As soon as he closes the door behind him, I'm met with a bold Lynn.
"Hey miss Most-Dauntlessy-Transfer," she greets me.
I laugh and roll my eyes. "Where'd you come up with that one?"
"I dunno. So how many fears have to had so far?"
"Seven," I tell her. "Did you have less?"
"No, I had seven too," she replies. "But I heard someone had a repeat. That would mean they only had six fears. That's, like, nothing!"
"I know right? I wonder who it is." I grab her arm and pull her away to an isolated corner in one of the many jagged corridors of the Dauntless compound. Coincidentally, it's the same hallway I was sitting in from the night Eddie got stabbed. I shiver at the thought before shaking it off. "Okay... Lynn, I'm about tell you something that you can't tell anybody. Not even... Marlene? Not even her, or Uriah, or any of your Dauntless friends. Okay?"
"Sure," Lynn says honestly. "Why? What's up."
I explain the deal with Four to Lynn and watch as her eyes go wide and a smile tugs at her lips.
"You like Peter?" Lynn half-shrieks.
"Shhhh!" I scold her with a smile of my own plastered against my pale complexion.
"That's great! Oh, I so want this to happen. What are you going to do?"
"I don't know yet. Nothing right now," I speculate. "I don't know if he's going to feel the same way. I don't want to get rejected..."
"Oh, so what if you get rejected?"
"Okay, I have a feeling I know what one of my fears will be. From spending 16 years in Erudite, I know they put knowledge above anything. If I get one question wrong on a test, it's like failing a grade for the rest of you. Every time we fail at something, we get penalized, punished, depending on the degree of our failure. I'm scared of failure because I'm scared of feeling the shame and not getting everything done without fault. I'm a perfectionist, if you couldn't tell."
"Well, if that's the case, then let him make the first move. Just... flirt, or something."
"Flirt. Okay. Um, how do you flirt?" Lynn sighs.
"I have stuff to do tonight, come to the Dauntless-born dorms tomorrow night." I nod okay, fiddling with my fingers and picking at my nail beds.
"Alright. See you then." Lynn waves and hurries off somewhere. I turn the corner again just as the door opens and Peter bursts out. Four peeks his head out of the door and whispers something to the dark haired initiate, and I watch as their eyes flirt over to meet mine. I send them a small smile and wave. I can see him gulp nervously from yards away. That's odd. He turns to Four again and nods before walking off to me with a smile. Four watches for a second with analyzing eyes. Peter faces away from him, so he can't see Four wink.
"Hey Jax," Peter greets me. His voice seems higher than normal. I push the thought aside as I swivel around and fall in step with him.
"Hey," I say softly. Peter doesn't move his head to face me as he pushes a door connecting corridors open for me to pass through. "Thanks," I say hesitantly. I let my eyes wander around his face until I reach his eyebrows, knitted together in concentration. I clear my throat, but he doesn't react. I feel my own eyebrows furrow as I try to think of why he's acting weird. "So... lunch?"
"I can stay for a little bit, but then I have to go back to the simulation room. Four's... helping me with one of my fears." Huh. I wonder if he has personal issues to deal with too. He doesn't seem like he needs help. But then again, who am I to assume? My head falls a bit.
"Oh," I say. "Okay. I'll get a muffin or something then." Peter nods and walks next to me. The silence is a little tenser than it should be. Our arms are bumping together, sending shivers down to the tips of my fingers. We get to the dining hall just as the first bits of food are being delivered to the table. He follows me to a seat and sits in the same spot he always does. I reach into the tin of freshly baked bread, buns, and to my delight, muffins, and pull out a blueberry flavoured piece of carb-y heaven. I break the entire top off and shove half of it in my mouth. I notice Peter's head angle upwards again as he studies me, an amused smirk on his face. As embarrassing as this may be, at least he's actually acting more normal. "What?" I ask with a full mouth, though I'm careful to cover up the sight of spit-infested, chewed up muffin. He shakes his head, still smiling.
"Oh, nothing." I shrug and pick up the bottom half of the muffin. After swallowing, I nudge it in his direction. His face contorts in mock shock. He gasps. "Are you offering me the rest of your muffin? You must love me!" I hesitate for a moment before rolling my eyes and resting my hand around the wrapper.
"In your dreams," I scoff. "Do you want it or not?" Peter shakes his head.
"I'm not hungry."
"Good," I sigh, "I was hoping you'd say that." I eat the rest of the muffin as Peter laughs at me. As the rest of Dauntless starts to file in, one by one, then two by two, Peter raises from the table.
"I gotta go now. See you later?" I wave again and wait until he's out of my sight before getting up myself and heading to the tattoo parlour.
• • •
I clutch the piece of paper with delicate scrawl drawn on it, each capital letter bold and defined. I put it next to my forearm and compare my original to the newly inked tattoo. I spent most of the lunch hour getting the tattoo done, while venting my confusion about Peter and his strange behaviour to Tori.
"Either hormones, or he's under emotional stress. It's not too far fetched, considering you're in stage two," Tori said. The words replay in my head as I make my way back to the dorms to stuff the paper under my bunk, and then head back to the simulation room.
It takes forever for the Dauntless-born to finish. Four calls me inside briskly after Leah exits, her now drab and faded purple hair flying in every direction. I waste no time settling myself in the chair, but I want answers.
"What's up with Peter?" Four doesn't respond. "Excuse me, I asked you something. Did he really need help with his simulations?"
"Glad you understood that much," he says, not looking at me. "I'm not telling you anything else." I groan and comply as Four pokes the syringe into my neck.
Guess what the first thing I see is? Yup, you got it; green eyes. Who, of all the people on the wrecked surface of this demolished planet, might these eyes belong to? Hm... I wonder. The blues of my eyes shoot to his foresty ones as a small smile appears on my face. He returns with a friendly one that makes my heart flutter inside. Something is compelling me to say something to him. I push through a crowd of black clad Dauntless, including my initiate friends at the front. I know what this is. This is my failure fear. How funny; I predicted this one earlier today. I allow myself to walk up to him as the anxiety and slight fear builds up in the pit of my stomach. I had a similar one to this in Lauren's fear landscape. This might include public humiliation too.
I walk right up to Peter and give him a smile. This one I just have to deal with.
"Hey," I say. I don't let him talk before I continue. "Listen to what I have to say, and don't interrupt me, okay?" Peter nods and I begin to speak. "I know we've only known each other for, what, a month? But I have a feeling we've bonded a lot over the past little while as friends, especially during my Eddie crisis, and through that one fear I had two days ago. I trust you, and as much as the possibility of failing scares me, I know if I do this it'll be okay. So, don't feel compelled to say anything back if you don't feel it, but..." I trail off and take a deep breath. "I like you. A lot. And I was wondering if you like me too."
"Six minutes," Four informs me. I nod and wait for him to say something. He doesn't, so I push myself out of the chair.
"Thanks, Four. See you tomorrow." I push myself up out of the chair and wave, confused about his silence. The door swings open, and I sit in my regular spot until Peter's done. We head straight to dinner from here, hungry and emotionally exhausted.
• • •
"What's this?" I ask. Eric is sitting across from the door, on the other side of the room, writing stuff on a chalkboard.
"Stage two rankings," he says. "Think of it as a progress report." The rest of the initiates start filing in, each asking Eric the same questions to the point where he stops answering. He gets up and hangs the board on a nail. I scan the rankings.
Name Average Time
1. Tris ~ 2 minutes, 45 seconds
2. Peter ~ 8 minutes
3. Jax ~ 8 minutes, 35 seconds
4. Christina ~ 15 minutes
5. Will ~ 16 minutes
6. Molly ~ 20 minutes, 15 seconds
7. Drew ~ 20 minutes, 42 seconds
8. Al ~ 22 minutes
I turn my head to find the short, blonde Abnegation transfer. 2 minutes, 45 seconds? How is that even possible?
"Good job, Tris," I congratulate her politely. She looks surprised as she mumbles back a quiet "you too." I look next to me at Peter, who is blinking his slightly darkened eyes in disbelief. His fists are clenched and the muscles in his arms taught. The rest of the initiates mill away until only five of us are left.
"Peter..." I start. He looks at me furiously, his features softening for a second before growing even harder. He turns intensely, every limb tense and rigid. He looks at nobody but Tris. I don't recognize him; his glare isn't even a glare. If looks could kill, Tris would have been obliterated in a matter of seconds. "Peter," I call again. I doesn't seem like he can hear me. He begins to walk towards his bunk and I relax too soon. He whips himself around and clenches onto Tris' shoulder. I lunge for Peter, but I"m not strong enough to hold him back without hurting him. "Peter! Stop!"
He shoves Tris against the nearest wall. "I will not be outranked by a Stiff," Peter hisses. I lock eyes with Will as Peter keeps talking. "How did you do it, huh? How the hell did you do it?" He pulls her forward a little before slamming her against the wall again. Tris' teeth are clenched and Will and I sprint to help. With my aid, Will rips Peter away from Tris and presses him up against the wall.
"You alright?" I ask Tris, the sympathy hopefully evident in my apologetic tone. Tris nods and I send her a meek smile, smoothing out the wrinkles from where Peter was gripping her shirt awkwardly.
"Leave her alone," Will says. "Only a coward bullies a little girl."
"A little girl?" Peter scoffs, brushing Will's hand away as if he was a fly. "Are you blind, or just stupid? She's going to edge you out of the rankings and out of Dauntless, and you're going to get nothing, all because she knows how to manipulate people and you don't. So when you realize that she's out to ruin us all, you let me know."
"PETER HAYES, THAT IS ENOUGH!" I scream. I pull him with all my strength away from Tris and out into the hall. Molly and, to my disapproval, Drew, follow us out, but I'm too full of rage to care. "What do you think you're doing? Tris is doing well, and we're ranked second and third! We're guaranteed a spot if we do well in stage three! Since when have you cared about Christina and Will?" Peter just breathes. "I don't know what's gotten into, but this isn't the Peter that I know. Until you can calm yourself down and control your actions, I'm out."
"Good," he growls. "I don't know why you ever hung around us anyways. You've fallen for her act too. I'm not in Candor anymore, nobody is going to tell the truth to you. No wonder you left Erudite; you're just plain stupid. You rely on me for everything, and you're a useless coward! Get over yourself, and get out of my sight!" My eyebrows knit together and flirt upwards a bit as I close my eyes and try to sniffle back the tears forcing their way out and down my cheeks. My fists clench and I squeeze my eyes shut. The first tear rolls down past my cheekbones and I lose it. Anxiety is filling my stomach. This feels like betrayal. I can't do this. I look him in the eyes, black like charcoal and nod. Just as I turn away, I see his eyes gleam in alarm. I hurry off anywhere that's not here, wiping my eyes with my arms.
"Jax!" Peter calls. "Dammit, Jax!" I hear him rushing after me, which only makes me run faster. Anywhere but here.
But of course, who can actually run fast while spewing out tears like a broken water fountain?
"Jax, look at me, dammit!" I make a bad choice, and turn around, my tear filled cerulean eyes burning into his.
"Peter, you're scaring me," I squeak weakly. Peter curses under his breath and runs his hand through his hair.
"I'm so sorry. God, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I'm... Jax, I'm so sorry."
"Sorry doesn't always cut it," I say. "Maybe I'll forgive you, but that sure as hell isn't going to be now. I'm not ready yet." I turn again and shuffle/run away. I don't hear him follow me; instead a loud crunch sounding like a fist against stone accompanied by an excruciatingly loud dropping of the f-bomb fills my hears. I just keep going until I find myself at the Dauntless-born dorms. I knock hastily on the door. Uriah opens the door.
"Hey Ja– woah. Lynn?" I nod. He steps to the side and lets me in. Lynn notices me first.
"Jax? What–" I turn around so that I'm facing her. "Oh my God, what happened? Stay here," she offers. I try and force a grin that probably turns out as a grimace as she engulfs me in a comforting hug. "We have an extra bed. Don't go back tonight."
"Thank you so much," I sniffle unevenly. I take a quick shower before changing into some of Marlene's pyjamas since we're about the same size. Marlene, Lynn and Uriah surround me with a hug before we all crawl into bed.
A/N phew! How long. I'm sorry if you didn't like how this ended, but it's a crucial part to the plot line. Don't worry, everything will be fine. Hope you liked it. What's your opinion on Jax's tattoo? I thought it was a pretty Dauntless-y quote, so it, in my opinion, makes a darn good Dauntless tattoo. Update coming to you again next Sunday, maybe earlier if I feel up to it.
QOTD: Who is your favourite singer/band/musical artist?
Thanks for reading, voting and commenting!
Until next time,
~Tori