[Rudy Francisco quote; Riot by Bibi Bourelly]
CAUTION: THERE'S A LOT OF CRYING IN THIS CHAPTER, I APOLOGIZE.
FORTY-THREE: when you resemble an overly-emotional Clark Kent.
Sitting down at lunch, there was still a smile on my face, my life seriously felt as if it could end in the next two minutes and I'd die 100% happy. My boyfriend was perfect, my college career was coming into perspective, my relationship with my dad was slowly repairing itself.
Life was good, insanely good, absolutely perfectly good and I couldn't be more content at that moment.
There was still a grin on my face, a grin that hadn't been there in a while so when a tray was placed across from me and Andy took a seat, he'd eyed me weirdly. "What's got you so happy?"
Shrugging, I bit at my lip and averted my eyes to the table. I was attempting to decide how to tell them, waiting for everyone to come to the table so I could share what just so happened to be the best thing that had happened to me throughout my entire senior year. You know, right up there with Paul becoming my boyfriend. Life was looking up and although there was a feeling of doubt and an itch that everything would come crumbling down... I was happy.
The boy across from me gave me a side-eye, leaning back and turning away from me. Looking around for the others, his eyes set on Will and Will only and he'd jerked his head to the seat beside himself. "Where is he?" He was gesturing to Caspar and I smirked over at an annoyed Will.
Her eyes had rolled at Andy's question, pulling her legs up into the chair to wrap her arms around and lean her cheek on her jean-covered knee. Sighing heavily, she shrugged, "Smoking most likely."
"Hiding probably." I'd countered and she nodded before looking over at the entry hair herself. They were best friends and I sympathized with her, knowing how it felt to somewhat lose a friend. I knew that if they didn't end up together, things would be weird for a while.
With furrowed brows, Andy gave me a look and I copied Will's shrug. Deciding to poke his food in the stale lunch-room pasta, he shoveled a fork-full in his mouth and looked back at her. "Why?"
And she didn't look like she wanted to answer, burying her face in her knees and letting her dark hair cover her. Her small hand was gripping at the heart pendant on her chest and I could tell it was something symbolic of their close friendship.
"He kissed Will this morning." I informed when she hadn't spoken, knowing it would come out eventually and the shock on Andy's face had me silently chuckling.
"What?"
"Shut up, Julian!" Her voice was loud, almost a shriek and she'd thrown her fist out to catch me in my arm. Gripping my bicep, I hid a frown at the feeling, she was quite heavy-handed and I did bruise easy.
"I didn't believe it either, they were just talking and then he kissed her." I elaborated watching the way she fought back a smile. I was acting like Ben and the whole ordeal was kind of amusing. "Right on the lips and then he kinda vanished."
She scoffed at that, attempting to smack me over my forming bruise and I jerked out of her way, her hand coming back only to smack me in the back of my head. "Was that a ghost joke, loser?"
"I've been hanging out with Paul too much." I shrugged, rubbing at my scalp. Now that one hurt.
Turning towards me at that, Andy got this remorseful look in his eyes. He must've been recalling the time in my bedroom and might I just say: it wasn't that pretty. I was sure Andy assumed that Paul hated him, I mean anyone would at least resent him: the guy who you thought your boyfriend cheated on you with. But Paul wasn't just anyone, he was forgiving. "You guys doing okay? He didn't look that good when he picked you up Monday."
"He's just getting over a cold." And I wanted to confirm that Paul didn't hate him but I really didn't want to have that conversation on behalf of my boyfriend so I shrugged, trying to pull out of an awkward conversation.
Will frowned at that, letting out a little "Aw." And peering up at me, long lashes surrounding her big, brown eyes.
"Yeah."
Noticing that I didn't have anything else to say, Willa spoke again, immediately changing the subject. I wondered how she could think up new scenarios so fast because around her, you'd never be bored. "Anyways," dropping her knees and criss-crossing her legs in her seat, she gripped my shoulders with an excited look on her face. "Jules here has some important news."
With a smile spreading across his face, Andy replied, "Same." And I could tell how excited he was, I secretly hoped that it had something to do with Johnny Casey because Lord knows that Andy was so falling for that boy.
"You go first." I'd pushed and almost instantly, he blurted out his news.
"I got scouted by the University of Michigan." And shit.
"Holy fucking-"
"Oh my god!" Will had cut me off, her voice louder than us and her eyes wide in excitement, "look at my boys doing big things!" My heart warmed at her genuine happiness for our success. That was something I was grateful for, she was something I was grateful for and I couldn't thank anyone more for dropping these people into my life. "Scholarship?" She asked, her eyes wide and his smile nearly unhinged his jaw.
Nodding, he laughed at the excitement pooling off of us in waves. "Full ride, four years, varsity soccer."
And although I wasn't the loudest person, I had to be the proudest. Even if we weren't friends until late our senior year, I'd been playing with Andy for four years. I'd watched him grow to be the amazing captain he was, the amazing teammate and player he was and I don't think there was anyone more deserving. "That's amazing, Andy."
"I know, it's still sinking in." He'd sighed contentedly before going back to eating his food. "Anyways... What about you?"
My news wasn't nearly as exciting as his so sheepishly, I brushed it off as if it were nothing even if my heart was beating out of my chest. "I got my acceptance letter from UC Santa Barbra yesterday." I didn't expect what happened next.
"Woo!" He'd screamed in excitement, catching me off guard and the cafeteria had gone almost-completely silent. There was only Andy making a scene as he stood up from his seat and stepped up to the table gaining attention. "Andrew Baker and Julian Douglas, pro-soccer players," tugging harshly at his pant leg, I tried to persuade him down but he stood tall, clasping his hands around his mouth and yelling a big, "Suck on that you homophobic bastards!"
"Shut up!" I'd whisper-yelled, attempting to get the attention off of myself and laying my head down in the crook of my arm. This was embarrassing, extremely embarrassing and I could feel eyes on me. Still, there was a smile on my face.
I felt the table shake, Will banging her tiny fist on it before climbing up in her chair, "Yeah, suck it!" And my face was in flames but not as much as the Spanish teacher, a short boisterous lady. Her voice was loud enough to project throughout the entire cafeteria as she had lunch-duty and her under five-feet stature had let out a huge demand in a sweet accent.
"Willa-Anne Morris and Andrew Baker, sit down this instant!"
At that the cafeteria had burst out laughing and I couldn't help joining in as Andy kept smiling but Willa leaped off her chair quick as lightning and ever the obedient star-student. "Sorry, Mrs. Gonzalez." Her voice was small then as she busied herself in her textbook beside me and andy quickly followed suit.
Yeah, I was so grateful for this pair.
: : :
"What do you mean you're out?" I'd been walking my way to the locker rooms to grab my things after final bell when a voice had stopped me. Or more like yelling had stopped me and me being the nervous little shit I was, I hid out of sight. The school day was over and I'd stayed back after practice -that wasn't really practice- for some get together with the guys. Mistakenly, I'd left my Lit text book in my locker and had to jog back to the school to get it before they locked the doors.
Paul was swinging by to pick up me and Benji and everyone had been enjoying the small party, even people like Ben who weren't on the team and I was eager to join again.
Heading back to the guys, the school filled with people for extra-curriculars but the outside silent, I found myself hiding behind the bleachers. It was a quick way to find myself back near the soccer field and then I could let myself back in through the back with my Captain's key and join the rest of the guys in celebration of the game season and the year. Underneath the metal, however, I noticed something that made me glad I'd taken this way.
"I just, I don't think we should mess with him anymore." Calum's voice was soft and my heart clenched, I could hear his stammering, the small shake in his voice and I wondered what had him so scared. "He's not doing too good, might kill himself." His voice was defensive and my head was ringing.
He might kill himself.
"You a fag too, man?" A gruff voice had launched at him and I peered around the corner, unable to recognize it. Surrounding Calum were four guys, all bigger than him and all with disbelief on their faces. Not one I could recognize out of the sixty other football players at this school but I could tell he knew them very well.
I was, however, the only... 'fag' he was concerned with, I was sure.
"Course not." His voice lacked strength but favored in false-confidence and I felt my heart drop when they got closer to him. I watched his blue eyes widen a bit, him backing up subtly as if there was a large animal approaching and he sucked in a breath.
"I think you are." Another one was talking, this one substantially smaller than the other guys but still bigger than Cal. His finger had poked the boy in question in the chest, teasing tone to his voice that was anything but friendly. "In love with the gay boy, Cain? Protecting him?"
"Shut up, Josh, you know that's not true." I still didn't know a Josh, this one didn't bring back any thoughts and I tried to figure out why they hated me so much. "He's a fag, yeah?" And that hurt, still did when it came from his mouth and it probably always would.
"Seven years is a long time." Josh taunted, tilting his head at the thought. "Miss him?"
"I mean, yeah, he was my best friend but like, not anymore."
He remembered, even through all the hate he'd shown for me, all the hurt he'd thrown at me and every single punch, he still remembered that we were once friends. Maybe it didn't hurt him as much that we weren't anymore but to know that it still had significance to him meant a lot.
"Prove it."
That threw me for a loop and I could see Calum had the same reaction, stepping back and almost falling into the guys behind him and I could tell he didn't notice. They were dangerously close now, one wrong word and Calum could be seriously injured. "What?"
"Beat his ass, one on one, show us that you're not going soft." Josh had shrugged, stepping closer to the confused boy, they were toe-to-toe and I could tell it wasn't going to end well. There was a hesitation I had for stepping in, what if they turned on me? Did I even really want to help Calum? What had he done for me besides hurt me?
But one look at his crystal eyes and the exasperated look on his face not to mention the horrendous tone of his voice as it cracked... it had me falling into the need to protect him all over again. We'd had each other's backs our entire lives. "Dude-"
"Beat his ass or I'll do it for you and then we'll all know that you're a fag too." Shoving at Cal's chest, the boy spoke harshly, "Maybe I should just rough you up a bit, teach ya something-"
"Dude, what the fuck?" Calum's voice was incredulous then and I could tell he didn't want to hurt me.
"Grab his arms."
Hands clasped around Calum's slightly-tan arms, pulling him tight as he struggled to be set free. The wind had picked up then as it did spontaneously in Michigan, and it nipped at his skin. "You don't wanna do this, man-"
And at that, Josh's fist pulled back, crashing forward into the side of Calum's face and I winced. My old best friend's head smacked to the side as the sound sent shivers through me. He struggled to get out of the tight grip his buddies had on his arms but it was useless when the guy had gripped his face in his hand and gave a sinister smile.
There was something in his eyes, a sadistic feeling probably and it lingered a bit too long before his eyes flickered to Calum's and he jerked back quickly. Backing away, I held my breath as another punch was thrown but this time, it'd hit Calum in the eye and he'd let out a cry of pain.
Closing my eyes, my heart wouldn't stop pounding and I tried to push myself to leave, let him get hurt... treat him the way he treated me. But I could sense something was off, he'd been defending me, for the first time in months.
That brought back memories of old Calum, memories of when he'd always had my back. I was backtracking to Calum years prior, before I'd realized hat I liked him. Calum freshman-year wasn't the same as Calum senior-year. He wasn't necessarily a bad different before I came out, just different.
And since we'd stopped talking, Calum had turned into someone I couldn't recognize, he didn't bug me anymore. We hadn't so much as made eye-contact since that time in my room where he witnessed my panic attack in action, he'd probably been creeped out and I expected him to never look my way again. I expected things to be over with by now, his memories of me wiped from his brain when he'd found out I was a freak but he was actually defending me.
"You good, Cain?" A taunting voice had broke through the silence and it wasn't until I opened my eyes, I'd noticed how bad it was getting. Josh was slow with his hits but they had enough force to have Calum leaning over and his face bruised. He was on his knees, blood running and ruining his shirt and his shaggy blonde hair was matted in the front.
Spitting blood from his mouth, he struggled weakly, voice gritty and hoarse and obviously not ruined enough for the guy. "Fucking-"
And at that, I watched the kid grab at his hair and pull his head back so their eyes could meet before he'd swung back.
"Shit." His fist hadn't met Calum's face, all actions stopping and heads turning towards me. I didn't notice how loud I was being, my fists balling at my sides and fear coursing through me. I could barely fight Calum on my own and there were three of them. And the fight was about me, their source of anger was me, I was the target now.
"Julian, go." Calum's voice was annoyed, yelling at me when the guy had backed up a bit to focus on me. I didn't even recognize him, people I didn't even know had it out for me. Cal pushed himself up from his knees, instantly being shoved back down and he struggled to get out of the grips. Cursing, he weakly punched at the guys holding him earning a twist of his arm and he cried out, fighting back tears.
Brought me back to when we were thirteen, his defiant faze, when he first realized that he didn't have to do everything his parents had said. When he used to sneak out his house and travel to mine, scaling up to my window and allowing himself in. I remembered the one time he hadn't caught his footing quick enough, lazily he'd been climbing, lips stretched into that smile that I loved so much and he was high for the first time.
We were fifteen then and Calum's hair had grown past his ears, awkward and always pushed to the side when he hadn't known what to do with it. He'd fallen and when I'd gotten down to the ground, heart beating out of my chest, his blonde hair had leaves in it and there was pain in his eyes: he'd landed on his arm.
Making eye contact with crystal blues, I saw the tears falling, his chin smacking the ground harshly as they pushed him further and I stood my ground.
"Oh so you are protecting the fag." Josh's voice brought me back to the present and he'd inched closer to me. Still, I found myself trying to figure out if I'd ever seen him, maybe these were the type of guys Calum ditched me for. They were football players, that much was obvious from the varsity hoodies, maybe they were the ones that'd helped him jump me.
A smug smirk had spread across the guy's face, the sound of bones cracking making me wince. I had started to hate violence, effects of Paul's influence pulling at me. "He's not but I'm protecting him." And maybe it was how good of a person my boyfriend was that had me saying the next words, trying to make amends as quick as possible and not allowing what was happening. "Leave him alone."
"Would that make you happy? To see your little boyfriend safe, fag?" He was in front of me now, face to face and I was still trying to figure out if I knew him in any way. He didn't look familiar, no one I'd ever hung out with or had a serious problem with. Did I accidentally push him in the halls or something? Did I step on his shoes? Did we have petty drama?
"I don't even know you."
He smiled then, allowing me to see the gap that situated itself between his two front teeth. "Good."
Trying to ignore how weird that was, I shook my head, eyes flickering over to my old best friend, "Let him go."
"What are you gonna do? Kiss me?" Moving closer, he'd wrapped his hand tight around my bicep, squeezing unfortunately where Will had punched earlier. Lucky for him, he was pressing over a bruise and I sucked in a sharp breath. If the crazy smile on his face hadn't said anything, the look in his eyes did. I'd dropped my text book, workbook pages and miscellaneous papers flying about.
"Julian!"
My knees buckled at the sound of Calum's yell and clearly he knew we were outnumbered. And I myself could barely fight. "I'm not scared of you, fag, not at all actually." The guys other hand had come up around then, wrapping gently around my neck so I couldn't move. "So, come on, hit me."
I had to force myself not to panic then, force my breathing to become level because not being able to breathe and hen being choked on top of that... that was grounds for automatic accidental death. "You don't... h-have to be scared of me, I-I-I'm not gonna fight you." I'd struggled out, thoughts going back to what Andy had told Calum. It worked then, it might work now, "But your coach happens to be my boyfriend's God-father and I promise you that you won't get into any college any time soon once this is reported."
Please care about your future, please care about your future, please care about your future.
And he hesitated, me smiling internally when I realized that I'd struck the right chord. "You wouldn't."
"I would." If it meant we could get out of a situation like this again, fuck yeah, I would.
"Josh, I can't not go to college, its not worth it." One of the guys had called, he'd been silent until then, until his future was jeopardized and he spoke a bit frightened. The thought of not being anything in life had shook even the biggest of football players.
And Josh huffed angrily, the hands on Calum releasing and the blond boy had fallen to the ground. "You're lucky, fucking pussy."
: : :
We hadn't spoken for a while after the encounter.
Which, I mean, was to be expected. We hadn't really spoken in months and one small saving didn't automatically retract everything that had happened. If anything, it left us in an even more confusing state than before.
After Calum's homophobic acquaintances had left the scene, I no longer had the urge to celebrate anything so I stood there in that same spot I hadn't moved from and I watched as Calum lifted himself weakly. I didn't even feel as if it were my place to help him up despite me stepping into a fight for him.
Now we were sitting a good foot away from each other on the bleachers as he held a cold bottle of water -that he'd found at the deserted concessions stand- to his swelling eye. I was thumbing the side of my book as I thought up things to say to someone I wasn't supposed to care about anymore.
He'd broken my heart, he'd also broken my arm and my dad's car.
And I stupidly helped him. His words didn't turn me into a puddle anymore but his suffering sure did make me feel like nothing but dirt that he could walk over and use to his benefit. The worst part was the fact that I allowed him to, the fact that I didn't care how much he hurt me when it came down to him getting hurt and that fucking sucked. The worst part was: I still wanted to be his friend.
"Thanks," his voice was gritty and he'd coughed out, I knew he was in pain but I also knew that he didn't want an ambulance. Calum despised hospitals and I respected it. I knew that he would've told me if he really needed medical assistance so I didn't push. I was back to being considerate of him. Sucking in a shaky breath, I'd looked over at him only to catch him looking up at the sky and leaning back on the bleachers. When I didn't speak, he elaborated, "for what you did out there."
"I won't ruin your life like you did mine." And I couldn't help the malice in my words as I spoke out of spite. "I'm not the kind of person you are. You can thank my boyfriend that I'm not spiteful."
Instantly I regretted it at his small chuckle. And he was back to never owning up to his mistakes... it was a cycle with Calum: do me dirty, not apologizing, and I'd forgive him regardless. Changing the subject, he threw a hand behind his head and leaned on if, moving the water bottle to his nose. "So, he's your boyfriend. Andy's really that stupid?"
"Not everyone's like you, Calum." Laughing, I shook my head, trying not to give him the satisfaction of getting angry.
When he didn't respond, I found myself even more amused, he didn't have the guts to do something like that. Calum was what he'd always been: a scared little boy afraid of his father. And he would always be like that, there was no use in trying to reason. I shrugged.
Balling my hand in a fist with that same stupid habit of mine, I let the sting soothe me and calm me down. "Andy actually cares enough about me that he's not worried about his reputation."
"I'm sorry." He spoke nonchalantly and I almost believed him. I was almost shocked until I looked up from the metal at him and caught his shrug.
"No you're not."
Softly, he countered, "I'm trying to be." And a part of me was convinced.
But I was stubborn, I couldn't forgive him so easily, he didn't have that hold on me. He couldn't just waltz right back into my life with a half-assed apology and pretty blue eyes. Despite how much I hated myself, I had too much self-respect to place myself back in that situation again. "We're not friends Calum."
His jaw clenched at that and maybe he actually cared.
"I'm still the faggot that had a crush on you, that's not gonna go away." And maybe I was still riding the high of the day before but it didn't hurt as much when I stood and made my way off the bleachers. "I gotta go."
I was nearing the bottom when he spoke again and oh how I wished he would just shut the fuck up.
"My dad," his voice actually held emotion and maybe that's what got me to stop. That and the memories of the messy relationship he had with his father, "he moved away with his other family. Eric is going to med school so he left for his better son." My eyes shut in grief, I knew that was hard for him especially the waver in his voice. "I don't miss him as much as I think I should."
He still trusted me with his secrets.
And I turned, eyes meeting his, and I fought back the remorse I felt for him. "Why're you telling me this?"
"You're the only one I could talk to about him, that hasn't changed." He wouldn't look at me then but I could hear the tears in his throat, he was hurting and it wasn't physical this time. I couldn't help him anymore. "I miss you more than I miss him."
I thought of that night his parents were out of town, the night he convinced me that laying together on the couch was okay because he needed the warmth. He was so sad back then and I was naive, there was something so innocent about that night, we had just started sophomore year and I was 15.
I was in that awkward chubby stage and my hair wasn't as brown as it was years later, I was nearly ginger and he was my only friend.
I was 15 and I didn't know that I wanted to kiss boys, I didn't think kissing boys was okay.
I remembered the second time was a few weeks after that, it was his bed then and I'd held him through a breakdown about his dad. He never told me what it was about but he was just so upset and he was my best friend, I held him again, for the second time ever. And I was 15.
"For the record, he wasn't exactly father of the year." I attempted to console without pushing myself back into the role of his best-friend. "Besides, you're better when you're not worried about how he sees you."
"Thanks." And he himself could understand that it wasn't the same as it used to be.
"Yeah." Rocking back on my heels, I stepped down another row before meeting solid ground and I knew that it was time to go. "I gotta go, my boyfriend's here and if he sees you, he's gonna be mad."
It was obvious that he didn't believe me but he nodded anyways and that was the end of it. "Bye J."
"Goodbye Calum."
: : :
I'd never been more in fucking love.
"What's up guys, it's Paul." His smile was bright as he waved at the camera, curly hair looking especially defined under the lights and his eyes looked even more brown. You could see the clear happiness as he sat there on one of the stools they'd stolen from the countertop-bar, beside him Lanny and then Rilee, two of his best friends.
"And Rilee." Rilee had thrown in, doing her own wave.
In the middle, Lanny smiled and greeted with his own,"And Lanny."
They all spoke louder, projected even when they reacted their intro in unison. "And we're LightofDay." Brandon gave a thumbs up when they'd got it on time. They'd been filming for a while and every time they did, one of them ended up lagging at the intro but they'd finally got it right and you could tell how relieved they were.
Voice a bit theatrical, Rilee leaned a little into the camera, flipping some of her red hair over her shoulder. "So this week's a little different, we're coming to you with a... social experiment."
"Now you know if you've been with us long enough, as a channel, we like to spread positive vibes." Paul took over, tugging at the sleeves of his light brown sweatshirt before pointing to his right where Lanny sat perched on his own chair. "Landon Ross is a very... positive person unlike his brother Brandon who is basically the exact opposite."
At that, Brandon piped up, face amused but voice feigning offense. "What the heck, man?"
"Yeah, I'm mom's favorite." Lanny chuckled, winking exaggeratedly at the camera.
"Anyways... Lanny normally dresses in bright colors, as you can see." Pointing at the pale pink shirt Lanny was wearing that day, Paul made his point. "Always has a smile on his pretty little face," at that he grabbed Lanny's pink cheek in a small and gentle pinch before giving a confused look to the camera, voice bewildered, "and for some reason, doesn't have a girlfriend."
"And because we're such great friends... We're gonna help him out."
At that, Brandon nodded and they all slumped over in their seats. "Cut." Eyes on the videographer, I watched as he dabbled with the camera, pressing a few buttons and scooted around to the computer that sat on the desk behind him. "Alright, Ri, come do the voice over for me real quick. We're gonna leave this on a message instead of the outro so Paul, you can go." And motioning towards the redhead, he started recording, silence enveloping the room.
"So, you see guys... two weeks ago, we had Landon set up a dating profile on Match Me." She spoke vibrantly into the mic, enunciating her words properly and my eyes drifted to Lanny and Paul talking quietly, so quiet I couldn't hear them but I did smile at the way Lanny had to stifle a laugh. "He, of course being the stud he is, matched with this girl instantly. Last Friday, we had him go on a date with this girl, complete angel of course he did say he was a twin because well, we had to set this experiment into action."
Pausing a bit to smile over at her other best friend, she finished up, "Landon's a great guy, it's no surprise that he got himself a second date with this beautiful girl."
Landon had been happier lately, a smile always on his face, so it was no wonder that he finally felt a connection with someone. I was so happy for him, he deserved someone who loved him as much as he no doubt would love them. Bashfully, he'd caught eyes with the carpet at Rilee's teasing look.
"What happens when his 'cooler' and frankly way ruder brother Brandon shows up at the mall and introduces himself to Landon's girl?" Pausing, she watched the screen fade to black, "We had Lanny step away for a bit after the introduction and sent Brandon in."
And when the recording was shut off, Brandon messed around a bit with the computer, clipping segments and overlaying them over video before playing it through, he'd done this a million times after.
"Hey." I'd greeted quietly when my boyfriend had made his way over to me. Seeing him goofing around with his friends had put a smile on my face and the way he was looking at me when he'd grabbed for my hand made me almost melt. His big brown eyes were wide in excitement and his bottom lip was pulled into his mouth as he came down from the energy he got whenever he was in front of the camera. And even if my smile was weak, I was so in love.
Even softer than I had spoke, he replied with a "Hi." And gestured to the back hallway. "Yeah, come on, it has to be quiet while he does that or he'll flip out."
Following Paul, I tried to make the least amount of noise I could and when we reached his room, I'd closed the door behind us and allowed him to pull us to his bed. Laying down, I watched him strip off his sweatshirt and admired the definition in his arms. I was on Cloud 9 and I didn't intend to come down anytime soon, I hadn't felt so genuinely happy in so long.
Eyes roaming his body, I watched my boyfriend dig through his drawers and pull out a short sleeve white tee before stripping his jeans as well and sitting on the edge of the bed. Scrolling through his notifications, he typed out a tweet and smiled when he heard my phone buzz from the post notification.
PaulyBJones: In the process of filming a new video, find you someone who loves you for you.
Instantly the retweets and likes shot up at my refresh and I laughed a bit at that, Paul moving further up on the bed and sitting beside me, motioning for me to hand him the remote. "You're not awkward around the camera." I'd noted when he'd exchanged his phone for the remote, asking me to place the aforementioned item on his charger. "Every time I see you film, it's like you're right at home. Interacting with viewers..."
Once I'd had his phone plugged up, I turned over to face him, digging myself into his chest as he placed a blanket over us.
This day had been a good one, despite the Calum slip, so that's why I stayed so calm laying next to my boyfriend. We were doing so well, I loved him so much and I think he knew it and everything was so perfect, I could stay like that for the rest of my life.
Threading his tattooed fingers through my hair, he flipped through the channels and I heard the chatter of the tv in the distance, everything felt so serene. I shivered slightly when he'd placed a kiss on my forehead, his plush lips slightly cold, and my body fell further into him. "I'm not a very awkward person," he'd started, lips pursed in thought and I just wanted to kiss the small little half-pout away. Paul had this cute thing where when he was thinking, he'd go into his mind, leaving behind a puppy dog face and big, brown eyes.
With a shrug, he finished his sentence while wrapping his arms around me, "They're like my family, you know?"
"Yeah." I'd whispered, although I couldn't really relate, I could understand. Sensing an underlying meaning, I remembered that I didn't know much about his family, he never really talked about them and that had to be weird so opening my mouth, I went to voice my concern. It felt as if we could talk about anything, "hey, Paul, you never really talk about your family..." I'd trailed off, eyes looking up to catch him calmly staring at the tv screen and when he'd heard it, his face fell.
Almost as if I didn't speak, he changed the subject. "So, do you wanna stay over tonight? It's Taco Tuesday and Lanny's inviting his new girlfriend. You could invite the guys." He was still facing forwards, not allowing me to see the look on his face so sighing, I sat up. He'd still avoided eye contact and that kind of hurt but I pushed it aside in order to place all my focus on him.
"Why're you avoiding the question?"
There was something wrong that he wouldn't tell me and for some reason, that hurt even more because despite how difficult I was, I always opened up to him and for him to not want to do the same... it wasn't a good feeling. "I don't wanna talk about it, Jules."
"I'm your boyfriend." My tongue was in my throat and my words had came out a bit hoarse from not speaking so loud for so long. I was upset but I didn't want to show it, I needed to be understanding but Paul also had to let me in the way I had because our relationship had to be two-way. "You know everything about me, you can't tell me something about your family-"
And instantly, he'd dismissed it, voice harsher than before and empty. "I said I don't wanna talk about it." He'd snapped before his eyes softened but his jaw had stayed locked as he leant back. "Do you wanna stay over?" He was trying to calm down and instead of lashing out on him, I'd noticed myself shrinking back. It felt different this time, he was hiding something from me and my good mood had deflated.
I didn't feel the same as that morning, the way he'd looked at me had knocked my confidence down entirely. Maybe it had to do with my pills, maybe it had something to do with the idea of self deprecation that had swallowed me before I'd been diagnosed, maybe I was just whacked up from the encounter with my ex-best friend that I was taking everything to heart. I was sure it had to do with my depression, I couldn't hold onto happiness that much especially when it came to Paul being upset with me and if the frown on his face said anything, he was most-definitely upset with me.
Trying to force a small smile, I looked up at my boyfriend although his eyes weren't on me. "I can't." There wasn't even a shift in his movements, not a change in his face or anything... he'd barely even acknowledged it and just let out a small sigh.
He was never like this. "Why not?" I hadn't told him about talking to Calum and if we were being honest, that drained me almost as much as this conversation had and I really couldn't deal with an argument with Paul at the moment.
"I just can't, Paul." There were too many things happening and I wasn't going to let myself fall into a low period again. "I don't want to fight and staying here with all the tension right now will lead to a fight."
"Wow, I can't have one secret without it becoming a huge thing? You had plenty of them."
"Are you fucking serious?" And that pissed me off, maybe because I didn't expect it. Paul had forgiven me for that and he was never the type to bring past arguments up to prove a point. He didn't believe in negative confrontation so for him to say that, I realized that I didn't know just how much of himself he was keeping from me. "I thought we were over that."
"It's hard being over your boyfriend continuously lying to you."
That stung, that really fucking stung. "You're keeping things from me too!"
"Julian, its personal." His voice was blunt as he pushed himself off of his bed and moved to turn off the television and head out the room but my voice stopped him.
"Wow, so we're keeping personal things from each other?" His stance was rigid and I was trying my best not to cry, for some reason, I didn't want Paul to see how much this was hurting me despite me voicing not. "What about the personal things that I told you? I tell you everything, my- my family issues, my mental health, my sexuality, every single thing and you can't let me know a little more about you?"
That was the problem for me: I'd let Paul into every single part of me and all he showed me was this layer. I wanted to see his life, I wanted to know more about him and I didn't understand why it was such a big deal for him to tell me. But it was and I'd struck a nerve and his voice was meaner than I'd ever really heard it.
"Who I was a few years ago is not who I am now; who I was in that house is not who I am now and I don't want to revisit it!" He'd spoken, not quite yelling but still enough for me to jump, my eyes going wide at the tick in his jaw when he'd turned to face me and I'd seen the look on his face. I couldn't comprehend just what it was but I knew something horrible had happened to him, something that I couldn't imagine him going through.
But when he'd noticed me cowering and the way I gripped his sheets, he'd changed back into the Paul I knew and loved, his voice became softer. His eyes showed regret and he shook his head. "Please respect that this is hard for me."
"I do." And I didn't want him hurting as much as he was so I tried to speak calmly and I tried to explain myself in a way that wouldn't make him cry. Because he wanted to and I could tell and that was the worst feeling ever. "I just want to know small things like what's your mom like? And how many siblings you have and how you grew up, something about you and your high school friends, how you fell in love with art? I just wanna know more about you." My lips were quivering and my eyes were blurring with unshed tears that I could tell he saw.
"I wanna know what made you the person that I'm in love with."
It was silent for a bit and I almost thought I got through to him. That is until he backed further away towards the door and he was leaving. "I'm sorry, I just can't do it, not right now."
And he left.
A/N:
Shit, sorry. I really didn't know it was gonna end like this but you're getting to know Paul more. Getting to know that even the most perfect people have flaws... And Julian's learning it too.
Shameless self-promo tiiiiiiiiiime.
Jessie's Boy [boyxboy]:
He was incredibly hot. And most-definitely straight, you could tell with the way he dressed and the way he presented himself: tall and athletically built. The melanin in his skin was prominent and the dreads that he always had pulled up on top of his head, faded underside that I was definitely feeling... it drew me closer. I'd never seen him before and I also understood that I'd have to stake my claim before Jessie did.
Turning back towards her when she tapped my shoulder, I watched her smile at me and before I could ask her to further explain her situation (gears turning in my head of ways to get this boy off her list) she spoke, "that's him, Jeremiah."
And she'd already had a hold on him.
Updated: Fri, Dec 30th.