Hey all, this chapter is a bit longer than usual and I included the music I listened to while writing this chapter: Ludovico Einaudi - Le Onde. I hope it will make you understand the chapter a bit better!
After the sudden downpour in the garden the sun came out again and it looked like the sky had been blue the whole day. Keira undid herself from her wet shoes and found a place for them to dry. Abby had already turned on the shower when Keira got upstairs. She chuckled, Abby must have been really cold then. She opened her cabinet to find some dry clothes and put them neatly on the bed, waiting for Abby to finish. The wet clothes were sticking to her body and trying to get them off proved to be rather difficult. She had already pulled of her shirt and her pants when she heard the door of her bedroom opening.
'Hey Keir, do you have a new bottle of-,' Abby abruptly stopped talking and her eyes were focused on Keira.
Shit, she thought. She felt Abby's eyes on her body and she quickly tried to cover herself up with her wet shirt, needless to say that it didn't help very much.
'My God, Keir, what happened to you?' Abby's eyes were fixated on Keira's body in astonishment.
'Nothing, fell during one of my walks, nothing serious,' Keira screwed her eyes shut.
'Oh Keir,' Abby's voice trembled and Keira saw tears forming in her eyes.
'Really, it's nothing. I'm fine,' Keira tried to force a smile, but failed. This was not really happening, this wasn't supposed to be happening. She felt embarrassed and she didn't have any excuses left to make. Tears were welling up in her eyes and she felt her body crumple. She sat down on the bed and tried to make herself as small as possible, not wanting Abby to see more and not daring to catch her eyes. She had became so skilled in hiding and covering up, that she thought it would pass by unnoticed. But now she had failed, failed to hide her mistakes. She felt the mattress dip and Abby reached out to take her hand. Keira tried to pull away, but Abby's grip was firm and she didn't let go.
'Keir,' Abby's voiced sounded small, 'talk to me please. What happened, who did this to you?'
'No one,' Keira felt her voice break.
'You couldn't have done this to yourself Keir, someone has been hurting you. By the looks of it for a long time already,' Abby was crying. 'Oh Keir, why didn't you tell me?'
'I was scared,' Keira focussed her attention on the floor.
'Of course you were scared, that's normal Keir,' Abby pulled Keira into a cautious hug.
'I feel so embarrassed, I didn't want you to know. I didn't want anyone to know,' Keira blinked furiously.
'But why? I could've helped you,' Abby said helplessly.
'Because it's my own fault, I didn't make it stop. I didn't want to be a burden to anyone.'
'This is not your fault, do you hear me?' Abby had grabbed Keira's face. 'Please believe me, this isn't your fault!'
Their eyes met, but Keira broke it off. She felt the tears dripping on her knees and shivered from the droplets touching the skin. She was cold, really cold. She wasn't wearing any clothes except from her underwear and she was still soaked from the rain. Abby must have noticed her shivering, because she grabbed the blanket that was laying on the bed and tucked it around her body.
'Oh Keir, I wish I had known. How could I've been so stupid and not notice something before,' Abby sounded dejected and her hands were trembling.
'It's not your fault, it's mine,' Keira said woefully. Her head was foggy and she felt guilt starting to rise.
'How long has this been going on?' Abby wanted to know.
'About six months now,' Keira almost whispered. Admitting it to herself was just as bad as telling Abby and she shivered.
'Six months?!' Abby cried out loud.
'I'm sorry,' now Keira sounded crestfallen. She knew she had screwed up, but she had been weak once again.
'You don't have to be sorry about anything, we'll make this stop. I promise you,' Abby looked devastated and eyes were wet with tears.
'I don't think that's possible,' Keira looked down at her hands again. If she hadn't been able to stop it, how could anybody else?
'Why?' Abby asked sounding confused.
'Because I'm weak,' Keira felt more tears coming up.
'You're not weak, far from it!' Abby's face was now covered in tears again. 'Keir, please tell me who did this to you!' her voice sounded pleading.
'I can't tell you,' it felt like someone was closing of her throat and she struggled to breath. She had to tell Abby, she knew that much, but she couldn't.
'Of course you can,' Abby encouraged her. She tugged a strand of wet hair behind Keira's ear.
'I'm sorry,' Keira couldn't bring herself to tell her, this was so hard to do.
'Was it your father?' Abby said faintly. Her face was pale and it was clear that she hadn't want to ask that question.
Keira shook her head, her father was the friendliest man on earth, he wouldn't hurt a fly.
'Was it the guy you work with?'
Keira thought she meant Michael so she shook her head again. It stayed silent for a few moments.
'It's David, isn't it?' Abby said quietly. Recognition dawned on her face and the look of shock was visible in her eyes.
When she heard his name spoken out lout Keira started crying inconsolably, putting her face into her hands. She felt all the energy she had left escape her body and all the pain she had suppressed over the last months came to the surface. The pain was all consuming and she suddenly felt his hands everywhere. She felt his hands punching her head, banging her head against the wall, pushing her to the ground, smacking her face. She tried to stop the pain, but she couldn't, it was too much. She felt hopeless when his hands were pushing her against a table to make her fall over, she felt his teeth biting her skin, she tried to push him away but she couldn't. She tried to scream, but her voice didn't work. She tried to close her eyes to make it all go away, but that didn't work either.
She slumped her body against Abby's shoulder and kept crying, while Abby was stroking her back. She kept crying until it became physically impossible to continue. She still felt his hands on her body and his touches almost felt real. She shivered and she could only feel frustration and pain, she felt his fingers stroking her cheek and then suddenly turning into a fist against her face. She automatically cowered in response. Make it stop, she thought, please make it stop, she would do anything to make it stop. His hands were now on her wrists, keeping her from getting away. She tried to twist her body, but his grip wouldn't budge. She felt her fingers go numb from the force he was using and he punched her for not keeping still. His hands were all over her body, doing things she didn't want. She tried to hold on to her clothes, but he was stronger. With all her strengths she tried to keep her legs closed, but again he was stronger. She felt dirty and used, she wanted to scream, scream until there was nothing left. Why wasn't she able to scream? She wrapped her arms around her own body, protecting herself from something that wasn't there. Maybe she had finally gone insane, but it didn't matter, as long as this pain would stop.
She didn't know for how long they had been sitting on the bed. The images in her head had slowly faded away and the pain she felt inside was still aching, but she was used to that. Her body was exhausted and she couldn't look at it anymore. She was afraid that when she did, when she saw the marks that he had left on her, it would all start over again. She knew she couldn't handle that, strained from all her energy her body felt numb and like it wasn't even hers. How much she wanted it not to be hers, she was repulsed by it.
'Hey,' it was Abby's voice, it sounded soft and it was clear that she wasn't sure how to approach her best friend.
Keira opened her eyes wide and detected fear in Abby's eyes, although she couldn't think of why that would be. She didn't know what to say.
'You don't have to say anything Keir, let me speak.'
Keira nodded, but even nodding took so much effort now.
'I don't really know what to say to you, Keir. I'm so shocked and feel absolutely awful. I'm such a horrible friend for not noticing this earlier, especially when I now see how bad it is,' Abby's voice trembled and new tears started to form in her eyes. Her wet hair was stuck to her face and she looked up to the ceiling.
'I always tried to cover it up, I didn't want anyone to know,' Keira said with a small voice. She had always succeeded and this moment of inattentiveness had ruined it all, although she felt lighter for it.
'I would like to say you did a good job with that, but this isn't something to joke about,' it was a weak smile that was playing on Abby's lips, but at least no new tears seemed to form.
Keira noticed herself giving Abby a slight hint of a smile. It always had been in Abby's nature to make light of a situation and she often was thankful for that.
'Why didn't you leave him Keir?' Abby sighed as she played with the blanket nervously.
'I love him Abbs,' Keira didn't want to admit it, but it was true. That was the only thing that was keeping her and also the fact that she didn't want to ruin his live made it hard for her to leave.
'Keir, you can't let people doing this to you, even if you love them,' Abby's tone was harsher than before and her eyes showed disapproval.
'I know,' Keira's voice sounded weak and she hung her head.
'Why do you love him Keir, why do you still love him after what he did to you?' it was a combination of disbelief and pity that was now visible on Abby's face.
'I don't know,' Keira said tentatively, 'I just do.'
'Oh Keir,' Abby's eyes welled up with tears again and she grabbed Keira's hands.
'I'm sorry, that's why I said that it's my own fault,' she said without looking at Abby. She couldn't face her, not now she was at her worst.
'It isn't your fault!' Abby raised her voice, 'please, believe me when I say that.'
'I can't,' Keira answered in a bitter voice and she really couldn't think of who else to blame for this mess.
They sat in silence for a while, both not knowing what to say to the other or what to do.
Abby had put her head in her hands and stared out the window miserably. 'I still can't believe David did this to you. I always liked him, he seemed so nice.'
'He still is,' Keira told her. She knew deep down inside that the old David was still there, she saw snippets of him during the week and she hoped he could go back to that one day.
Abby gazed up at her with a face that was torn between shock and disbelief. 'You can't say that Keir,' Abby's eyes were bewildered.
'He still loves me, I know he does. He even cooks me breakfast with extra bacon, because he knows I like it,' Keira smiled weakly. Maybe she was also trying to convince herself, but she didn't know anything anymore.
'Keir, people who really love you don't hurt you. You know that's true.'
'But often he is still the same David I fell in love with, I know he isn't in his right mind when he does these things,' Keira bowed her head in shame.
'Why?' Abby studied Keira's despondent face, clearly not understanding where she was coming from.
'All the bad things started happening when he started drinking. First it wasn't that much, but it gradually increased over time. I didn't really notice how much he was actually drinking, because he was out quite often. He became more irritated, sure, but I thought he was just going through a bad phase. However, it only became worse. He was drunk almost every day, and I mean really drunk. He became angrier and angrier and I think I was the only one he could take is anger out on. I tried to calm him down at first, but that only made it worse. So I let it happen to me.'
'I can't even imagine what you've been through,' Abby was still silently crying. Her shoulders had dropped and she didn't even care that she had been sitting in a rather uncomfortable position for a while now.
'A lot of things I wouldn't wish on anyone,' Keira sighed when memories started to reply in her head.
'You have to get checked out by a doctor though,' Abby suddenly sounded serious.
'No, that's not necessary,' Keira answered quickly.
'It really is Keir, you should know if he caused you any damage,' the worried tone was back in Abby's voice.
'No, I mean it's not necessary because I got checked out already,' Keira averted Abby's gaze, she had wanted to keep this from her if she could.
'Really? Wow, that must have been really hard for you to do,' Abby sounded somewhat relieved, 'but I think it's good that you went.' She didn't catch on to what Keira actually had meant.
'I had no choice,' Keira said before she could stop herself. Damn it, why wasn't she able to control herself better?
'Why?' Abby asked curiously and her puffed eyes were focused on Keira's face.
Keira bit her lip, she didn't want to make the situation any worse than it already was. Abby looked really upset and it was her fault. However, she didn't think she could lie anymore. She had been lying for so long now and it had became increasingly difficult to keep up with her lies. She had to stop lying to get out of this mess.
'I had no choice,' Keira admitted.
'Why?' Abby asked again, sounding wary.
'Because...', Keira stopped for a moment, 'because I already was in the hospital.' There, she had said it and she slammed her eyes shut to not have to see Abby's reaction. She could hear Abby's sharp intake of breath and when she finally eyed her friend she saw her sobbing quietly in her hands.
'He didn't...,' Abby began, but she couldn't end her sentence.
'I guess he did,' answered Keira wryly for her. There was no point in denying it now sadly and she ran her fingers through her wait hair.
'Oh Keir, you must have been so afraid. Was there someone there for you?'
'David picked me up in the morning,' Keira shrugged her shoulders.
The room fell silent again and Keira felt horrible, it was hard for her to tell these things. The things she had promised herself not share with anyone, but it felt also somewhat liberating. There was less weight on her shoulders and she could breath more freely.
'You know you have to leave him, right? You have to move out as soon as you get home,' Abby sounded urgent and she straightened her back slightly.
'I can't Abbs, I really can't. I don't know what he would do without me and I still love him,' Keira now stared fixedly at the floor. She would be nothing without him, she didn't even have a place to live.
'Keir!' Abby said sharply. 'You have to move out. You can't stay with him!'
'No, I'll just have to stand up for myself, be stronger. I'll help him get through this phase and then everything will go back to normal,' Keira answered sounding flat. She had to believe in this, otherwise there would be no hope left for her.
'You know it won't,' Abby's voice sounded soft again and her fingers had started to bleed from biting her fingernails.
'It has to,' Keira answered while biting her lip. It had to be, she had to fix this and then everything would be alright. She had to believe that, otherwise she had nothing left to hold on to. She felt fresh tears leaking from her eyes and she hadn't had the strength to wipe them away.
Abby shook her head in disbelief, still coming to grips with the whole situation. 'You have to get out now Keir, otherwise you will end up even worse one day. I can't stand the fact of leaving you alone with him, I would never forgive myself if something happened to you again.'
'You don't have to worry about me, I have done this on my own for the last half year and I can keep going. This is why I didn't tell anyone, people shouldn't worry about me, I'm not worth it,' Keira fumbled with the blanket that was wrapped around her. She didn't want anyone to go through to this with her, it already was horrible enough all by herself.
'I'll always worry about you, even if you say I don't have to,' Abby's voice broke and she darted her eyes around the room, desperately trying to find something to fix the situation.
'I'm sorry,' Keira said. It was what she did best, apologising, because she was too incompetent to get out of the bad situation in the first place.
'Look at you!' Abby said half yelling and half crying, 'you look a mess!'
Keira closed her eyes, she didn't want to look at herself, but she new Abby was right. The evidence was right in front of her, but she tried her hardest to ignore it.
'Look at your arms, you back, your face and even your thighs. God Keira, I don't know what exactly he did to you, but you can't let him do it anymore! It's clear that besides beating you up he also made you do things you clearly didn't want. No one has to endure that Keira, please let him go,' Abby's eyes lingered on Keira's bruised body and she ended her sentence in a whisper.
'That's why I have to go back, if I go now he will find someone else to do this to. I can't let him do this to someone else, it hurts too much,' Keira felt her heart aching, 'it hurts so fucking bad.' There, she had finally admit it and she couldn't believe how good it felt.
'I know Keir,' Abby pulled her into a hug, 'I really do, but I can't let you get hurt anymore. Come stay with me please.'
'I can't Abbs, I'm so sorry,' Keira felt desperate, she wanted to be alone. She wanted to run away and to never come back again. Leaving this mess far behind and going somewhere where no one could find her, so she would never end up getting hurt again.
'I can't make you, can I?' Abby sounded hurt and she blinked a couple of times.
'I'm afraid not, I'm so sorry to get you into this mess,' Keira closed her eyes and bit her lip harder than she had intended to.
'Your mess is my mess, I just don't want to lose you,' Abby's eyes were filled with tears and pleading was audible in her voice.
'You won't,' Keira tried to reassure her. This was just what she had wanted to avoid, no one should worry about her because she wasn't worth it.
'I'm afraid I will. I'm so scared now that something really bad will happen to you,' Abby's eyes were wide and her hands started to tremble again.
'I'll make sure that that doesn't happen, don't worry,' Keira tugged on her hair, she had to convince herself as much as she had to convince her best friend.
'I love you Keir, please be careful,' Abby's eyes flickered hopefully and she was now squeezing Keira's hand so hard that it had turned white.
'I will, I always do,' Keira whispered and she couldn't even feel the pain in her hand.
'Promise me,' Abby's swollen eyes looked into Keira's and she picked up the other hand.
'I promise,' Keira answered with a squeeze andtheir eyes locked in a shared understanding.