I know I need to write to Trevor. I know that I need to tell him that I am okay and that I am alive and that I am safe but honestly, I just don't know if I have the words at the moment. It's been two weeks since my mother walked out on me and in that time, she's completely cut me out. She's blocked my number meaning that I can't call her and she's blocked me on all her social media accounts. She's completely cut me out of everything and I know that it's out of my control. She's given up on me just because I was admitted that I was Bisexual. Because I wasn't her perfect son. I know that I let myself fall when Ricky died and I know that honestly, he is looking down on me and hating everything that I was involving myself in and the situations I had been in. You see the day that my mum cut me out and walked out on me was actually the 5th anniversary of Ricky's passing. As the date has grown closer each year, I began to always write a letter to Ricky about my dreams and aspirations for my life with him that I still held and how much I honestly wished he was in my life still. I remember the year before this strongly and I still remember every word I wrote. I knew that I was messing up my life at this point and I know that I question myself as I sit here now and think about it. I question myself why I decided to do what I did and why I made the decisions I did. Was it out of attention? Was it out of sheer grief and loneliness from losing Ricky? Or was it an underlying effect that I was still trying to figure out. Then from this, I begin to think about Trevor and how much I am letting him down. Maybe my mum was right to cut me out. Maybe I am not worth anything. I know that as I write my letter to Ricky and also a short letter to Trevor, I start to finally understand why my mum walked out and why I am sitting here alone in this cold and isolated hole. I know that I have finally grasped how messed up my life is and honestly, I hate it. But to be quite honest, I don't know how I can fix it and I don't know how I can change it. I'm stuck.