It had been a long night, and Dinah did not want to be woken up again.
She never wanted to be woken up, not really, but this was a whole new level. The incessant rustling of the sheets on Lauren's side of the bed was starting to get very, very annoying, and she had work in the morning.
Everything had started out fine in the evening, with a takeout pizza and Lauren snuggled up to her side on the couch.
It had been fine when Lauren started rubbing her shoulders after mumbling something about tension patterns.
It had been more than fine when the rubbing her shoulders had turned into rubbing her thighs and then suddenly Lauren was kneeling on the floor with Dinah's leg over her shoulder, and Dinah was trying not to smother her by accident, moaning into her own palm.
Fine had briefly become incredible when Lauren was bent over the dining room table, hands fisted desperately in the new olive green tablecloth.
Things had started to go south when Lauren had woken her up the first time by stumbling out of bed at midnight and returning with an entire quart of coffee ice cream and a jug of orange juice, looking like she was 100% ready to eat it all right there in bed.
Dinah had told her off, not wanting to buy new sheets when Lauren inevitably got food stains on them, and a pouting Lauren had padded dejectedly back to the kitchen.
Naturally, Dinah had followed her.
And naturally, Lauren, now running on a caffeine high, hadn't been able to fall asleep again for hours after. She'd passed the time tossing and turning in bed next to Dinah, scrolling through her phone, and at one point, disappearing into the bathroom for a good half hour until Dinah barged in and found her doing a full face of makeup in the middle of the night for no reason at all. Once the makeup was gone, Lauren was snuggled up to Dinah's back again, arms wrapped tight around her waist, and everything was fine again.
That is, until four thirty in the morning, when Dinah had woken up again to find the bed empty and Lauren standing in front of the open refrigerator, crying helplessly.
Dinah's alarm had turned into exasperation, and she had pulled Lauren sleepily into her chest and walked her back to the bedroom as she whimpered about needing a quesadilla - or, as a tearful Lauren had put it, fifty quesadillas. With peanut butter.
Eventually, Lauren had passed out on Dinah's chest, Dinah's hand stroking through her hair soothingly, and Dinah had sighed in relief and fallen back to sleep.
Which left her where she was now: exhausted, irritated, and alone on her side of the bed, resenting that Lauren wasn't wrapped around her like she always was.
The rustling of the sheets and the little huffing noises Lauren was making might've been cute if Dinah wasn't so frustrated about not being pressed against her.
Dinah pulled the covers over her head and tried to go back to sleep, but she couldn't get comfortable. The bed felt cold, and her heartbeat didn't seem to be able to slow like it normally would without someone else's to follow.
Maybe she could hug a pillow, if Lauren was insistent on sleeping restlessly. That could keep her warmer.
She was about to grab for one, when Lauren made a soft whimpering noise from behind her. Frowning, Dinah turned over, squinting to try to see her wife in the faint light that slanted through the window from the streetlights.
Lauren was curled up in fetal position, facing towards Dinah, one of her hands holding tight to her pillow. There was another whimper, and Dinah reached over, worried, to rest her hand on Lauren's side.
Her lips parted. Lauren was shaking.
Forgetting her tiredness, Dinah scooted back on the bed, reaching up to turn on her lamp, and then moved back over, stroking Lauren's side soothingly. Her wife's face was twisted into a frightened expression, her lower lip quivering, and as Dinah slid closer, her body jolted suddenly.
"No..." Lauren gasped, even shakier now, tears starting to squeeze past her tightly shut eyelids, wetting her cheeks.
"Lolo, wake up," Dinah murmured urgently, starting to get scared herself as she leaned down to press her lips to the side of Lauren's face.
"No!" Lauren let out a sob, clearly still stuck in her dream. Dinah wrapped her arm around her, trying to pull her closer even in her curled up position.
"Baby, come here," Dinah said, louder this time. "It's okay, baby, it's not real."
Lauren shuddered, her face crumpling, breaths coming harshly.
"Wake up, Lolo, come on," Dinah tried again, shaking her gently.
"Don't go..." Lauren's voice faded into a breathy whimper, her movements restless, the tears coming faster now. "Please, love, don't..."
"Lauren!" Dinah shook her shoulder harder this time, starting to worry about a panic attack as Lauren's breathing sped up. "Lauren, baby, wake up!"
With one more shake, Lauren's eyes snapped open, wide and scared. Her lower lip started quivering again as she looked at Dinah, letting go of her pillow to grip Dinah's arm instead.
"Breathe, baby," Dinah said, meeting her gaze. "You have to breathe."
Lauren drew in a shaky breath, and then her face contorted, eyes spilling with another rush of tears.
"Don't cry, Lo," Dinah said, worried, pulling Lauren in and wrapping her arms around her. Lauren uncurled herself, her hand twisting in Dinah's sleep shirt as she allowed herself to be pulled into Dinah's chest, head tucked under Dinah's chin.
Dinah rubbed Lauren's back slowly, holding her tightly as her body shook with sobs.
"Don't go," Lauren choked out, her voice muffled, clinging to Dinah. "I'm, I'm sorry baby, don't -"
"It was a dream, Lauren," Dinah interrupted her, trying to calm her own racing heartbeat. "I'm not going anywhere, I've got you. Breathe, Lo."
"A dream," Lauren managed.
"Just a dream, baby," Dinah soothed, feeling Lauren's pounding heart under the hand that was pressed to her upper back. "Come on, breathe with me."
Fighting against her own urge to panic, Dinah took a deep breath, pulling a shuddering Lauren closer to make sure she felt how her chest rose and fell.
"Dinah," Lauren whimpered.
"Just hold onto me," Dinah said. "Can you feel me breathing?"
Lauren nodded, uneven breaths on Dinah's neck.
"You have to match it, okay? Just like we do every night," Dinah murmured. "Don't you go falling apart on me again."
"O-Okay."
Her hands running up and down Lauren's back, Dinah focused on her own breathing, counting to eight on inhales and ten on exhales. Her wife was still shaking, her fingers pressing at Dinah's back as she tried to even out her breathing as well.
"That's it," Dinah exhaled as she felt Lauren's heartbeat start to slow down under her hands. "Come on, Lolo, we're almost there. Let go."
Lauren's arms squeezed tight around Dinah, and then, with a heavy sigh, her body finally relaxed.
"Good job, baby girl," Dinah murmured, leaning down to press a kiss to her hair.
Nodding, Lauren buried her face farther in Dinah's shirt.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" Dinah asked gently after a few moments. "You don't have to."
"I lost...I thought I lost her," Lauren whispered shakily, pressing closer to Dinah. "I lost her, and then you left."
"The baby?" Dinah asked quietly, feeling her own eyes fill with tears.
"Yeah," Lauren gasped. "There was so much blood, and then there was nothing, and everything was empty, I felt s-so empty. Baby, I...I lost both of - both of you."
"You know you're not gonna lose me, right?" Dinah asked, blinking rapidly and running her fingers gently through Lauren's hair.
Lauren nodded hesitantly after a moment, and Dinah sighed.
"You're not," Dinah said firmly. "I thought you believed me when I told you last time, Lo."
"I did," Lauren mumbled. "But it felt so real, Dinah, I..."
"I'm not leaving you," Dinah said, shaking her head. "Never, no matter what happens. I promise, baby."
"I know," Lauren said quietly. "I know."
Closing her eyes for a moment, Dinah nuzzled into the top of Lauren's head, letting the faint vanilla-like scent of her shampoo wash over her.
"You need to get some good sleep," Dinah murmured affectionately, pressing another kiss to Lauren's hair. "And I need to hold you so I can sleep, so you better not have another nightmare."
Dinah pulled back slightly to look down at Lauren, who nodded before yawning and scrunching up her face adorably. Half smiling despite her exhaustion, Dinah tucked Lauren's head back under her chin, and closed her eyes.
"Dinah?" Lauren asked, her voice small and raspy from tiredness.
"Hmm?"
"Don't go to work tomorrow," she said, half whispering now. The fear still present in her voice made Dinah want to cry. "I don't think I'll be okay without you right now, not after..."
"I was already gonna call in sick," Dinah said. "I'll be here when you wake up, Lolo. I'm not about to leave you like this."
"Don't ever leave me," Lauren mumbled.
"Never," Dinah reassured her again, holding her tightly.
Keeping her breathing steady, Dinah felt Lauren slowly fall back to sleep, until her body went completely soft, and she started letting out quiet puffs of air against Dinah's throat every so often. Dinah was tired, but she was on edge now, and sleep wasn't coming easily.
Dinah couldn't count the number of times she'd reassured Lauren that she was here to stay since they'd gotten serious, couldn't count how many I love you's and I need you's she'd said.
And still, Lauren was afraid of Dinah leaving her.
Even after two years of marriage, commitment wasn't a concept that Lauren was used to believing in, and she'd always thought that lifelong monogamy was impossible. She'd sworn against ever getting married when she was fifteen, opinionated and free spirited, and had maintained that view even after meeting Dinah in college.
At least, until she'd dropped to one knee on Dinah's twenty fourth birthday, and handed her own heart to Dinah in exchange.
Her eyes had been wide and hopeful, tear tracks down her cheeks and the beginnings of a smile in the corner of her mouth, leaving Dinah to wonder when exactly things had changed so dramatically.
For her part, Dinah had been too shocked to answer for a good minute before realizing that yes, this was real, Lauren Jauregui was on the ground offering her a ring, looking the far from unsure.
"I'm scared of how much I love you," Lauren had told her on their wedding night. Dinah remembered it vividly, Lauren's messy hair spread out on the pillow, framing her face as Dinah lay stretched out beside her, fingers tracing patterns on her stomach. "I wanna have kids with you, Dinah. I wanna settle down, stay put, grow old together. I can't even imagine wanting anyone but you, not ever. Do you get how scary that is?"
Dinah hadn't understood, not really. She'd gotten over what fears she had when her mother had met Lauren. Milika had pulled Lauren into the warmest hug, telling her with a laugh that she was the first person Dinah had dated who was good looking enough to deserve her.
She hadn't been scared then, and she wasn't scared now, because she knew how Lauren felt about her. Lauren was committed, as much as it might scare her sometimes. Lauren would never leave. But for some reason, she remained worried that Dinah might.
As if she could hear Dinah thinking about her, Lauren snuggled closer, bringing Dinah back to the present as she mumbled something unintelligible in her sleep. Dinah stroked her back slowly.
After eight years of knowing Lauren, Dinah had all of her insecurities memorized. She knew them like she knew the lines of Lauren's body, knew where every one of them hid and when it would creep out and take her over.
She carried her physical insecurity on her hips, and it came out during the winter when Lauren ate more and moved less. That one was always the easiest for Dinah to burn out, simply by showing Lauren how badly she wanted her.
Her tendency to think she wasn't enough was harder to fix. It lived in between her thighs, made her curl into herself and push people away. But if Dinah could make her listen, she could drive it away from Lauren's conscious mind, at least for awhile.
Her fear of abandonment was in her hands, and showed in how hard it was to make them let go. That fear had been at the forefront since the childhood friend she'd dated in high school had moved back to South America without even saying goodbye, and never spoken to her again. Dina kept it away simply by not leaving, and by holding Lauren back just as tightly.
But this nightmare, as well as Lauren's breakdown a few weeks before, came from a twisted combination of all of those fears, and the whole seemed greater than the sum of its parts.
And as hard as she tried, Dinah couldn't make it go away, not completely. Once the baby was born, Lauren would have living, breathing evidence of Dinah's commitment to her, and it might go away on its own.
Dinah sighed. That wasn't soon enough. Stress combined with pregnancy bred disaster. Lauren shifted against her, making another small noise, as if she was agreeing.
Normani would've told Dinah to sleep on it, but Dinah had been sleeping on it for weeks now, with nothing coming to her.
Camila would've offered to talk it out with Lauren, but when it came to her wife's deepest fears, talking it out never seemed to be enough. Ally would give the best advice, Dinah realized.
Ally was almost definitely also asleep, considering it was the middle of the night. Dinah really sucked at being patient.
Sighing, she kissed the top of Lauren's head, and then closed her eyes, resolving to sleep and figure it out in the morning.
----
The usual alarm went off at 8, and Dinah almost screamed, realizing at the first beep that she's forgotten to disable it.
Lauren was still clinging to her, but now she was draped messily over her body, with Dinah was lying flat on the bed.
She made a little groaning noise at the alarm and buried her face in Dinah's chest, as Dinah scrambled to grab her phone and shut the alarm off.
Blinking hard, Dinah unlocked the phone, quickly opening her messages to text Ariana and let her know she couldn't come in.
Groaning again at Dinah's movements, Lauren blindly reached up a lazy hand to push Dinah's arm, still half asleep.
"Shhh," Dinah hushed her, sending the message and then a grumpy faced emoji so Ariana didn't think she was happy about missing work. Huffing, Lauren grabbed for the phone weakly, and Dinah rolled her eyes, chuckling before setting it back on her night table.
"Sleep," Lauren muttered. "Early."
"I know, I know," Dinah said softly. "I'm not going anywhere."
Sighing, Lauren relaxed back into her, and Dinah wrapped her arms around Lauren again, letting herself drift back off to sleep.
When she woke up again, it felt like no time had passed at all - almost as if she'd just blinked. She was still tired, and Lauren hadn't moved, except to tuck her hands under Dinah's torso.
Petting Lauren's hair absentmindedly with one hand, Dinah picked up her phone with the other, and raised her eyebrows when she saw that it was already noon. Ariana had texted her back a pouting face, and a playful order to get lots of sleep and not to get Lauren sick, "even though I know it's hard for you to not be touching her at all times".
Feeling slightly guilty about lying to Ariana, Dinah locked her phone with a sigh. She figured it was good that Ariana would be extra busy at the salon today, because it wasn't out of the question for her to show up at their apartment with a get-well-soon care package and free nail polish samples.
Her hands curling underneath Dinah's body, Lauren made a soft noise, nuzzling Dinah's exposed collarbone affectionately. She was so close that Dinah could feel her eyelashes fluttering against her upper chest, and she scratched her nails gently across Lauren's scalp.
With a quiet hum, Lauren stretched up sleepily to press her lips to Dinah's throat, lingering there before sighing and nudging the same spot with her nose like a puppy. One of her hands slid out from under Dinah, coming up to trace the neckline of Dinah's shirt.
"Good morning, baby girl," Dinah murmured, using the pet name that had been Lauren's favorite during their engagement in hopes that it might take her wife back to that happy, love-drunk mindset.
Huffing quietly with effort, Lauren pushed herself up slightly to look at Dinah. A warm smile was spreading across her face, her eyes a kaleidoscopic mix of colors in the soft afternoon light.
"I don't think it's morning anymore," Lauren rasped, blinking slowly at Dinah.
What was left of Dinah's guilt from lying melted away, somehow seeming utterly irrelevant in comparison to the adoring look on Lauren's face.
"Don't fight with me, Lauren," Dinah pouted, chucking her wife under the chin.
"Okay," Lauren said, her smile widening. She pulled herself farther up Dinah's body, pressing a soft kiss to her lips, and then to the corner of her mouth and her cheekbone.
"You're happy today," Dinah observed, grinning as Lauren kissed the tip of her nose.
"You're here," Lauren said simply, pulling back to look Dinah in the eyes.
The corners of her eyes crinkling, Dinah tucked a strand of hair behind Lauren's ear, and then leaned up to brush another gentle kiss across her lips.
"And..." Lauren started, squinting slightly as she looked at Dinah. "And you're so lovely like this, baby."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah," Lauren breathed, kissing Dinah again. "With your hair all messy and your voice husky like that, without any makeup or anything...it's like you're made of sunlight, and soft things."
"You're the soft one, Lolo," Dinah murmured affectionately, her cheeks feeling warm.
"Because you let me be," Lauren replied. "You make me want to be soft, just so I can fit with you."
"You sap," Dinah mumbled after a moment, blinking at Lauren.
"I'm just happy that it's noon on a weekday and I'm still holding you," Lauren said, pressing a kiss to Dinah's jaw and then lying back down.
Dinah started running her fingers through Lauren's hair again, teasing the soft strands with her nails. Lauren sighed contently, the weight of her body seeming to sink even farther into Dinah's, pressing the both of them deeper into the warmth of the bed.
"Me too," Dinah exhaled, marveling at how something as simple as cuddling with Lauren could still make her feel like the luckiest person alive. "God, me too. You know I'd do this all day, if I could."
"I know, baby."
"I'm sorry I can't," Dinah said after a moment. "I wish every day was like this."
"Don't apologize, you have to work," Lauren murmured. "But...can today just be like this?"
"I do have one thing I wanna do today," Dinah said after a moment. "But you're coming with me, so I guess the answer is yes."
Lauren let out an annoyed little huff, tucking her hands under Dinah's torso again and holding onto her as if to protest the concept of going anywhere at all.
"Not yet, mama," Dinah laughed, squeezing her back. "And it's not big, or anything. I just wanna go to Shortcake. We haven't seen Ally in awhile."
"Okay," Lauren sighed after a moment. "But I want cake. And tea. And possibly a smoothie? Maybe cookies..."
"Girl, Ally didn't name a cake after you for nothing," Dinah laughed. "I'm not bringing you to the best bakery in the state and then starving you."
Lauren sighed again, and buried her face in Dinah's neck, making Dinah chuckle.
"We can stay here longer," Dinah reassured her. "Cutie."
"Shhhh," Lauren hushed her. "Less talking, more squeezing me."
Smiling, Dinah shut up and squeezed Lauren, kissing her forehead and settling back into silence.
After that they dozed together for an amount of time that Dinah didn't bother keeping track of, except maybe to count Lauren's occasional hums or the number of times her hair flew in Dinah's face when she shifted.
Lauren rarely liked doing nothing. Most of the time, she was bored beyond belief, her mind moving way too fast for Dinah to keep up with. She loved to voice her thoughts out loud, talking Dinah through her latest novel idea or some social science related concept, or just ranting.
And Dinah loved to listen to her, sometimes making a concerted effort to understand what Lauren meant and asking lots of questions (which Lauren answered patiently), and sometimes just focusing on how Lauren's beautiful voice rose and fell and watching the different shapes her face took as she spoke.
When Dinah wasn't home to talk to, Lauren constantly entertained herself with texting or reading and writing or listening to music. She often tried to watch documentaries and ended up too bored. Dinah would come home to find her watching shitty horror movies or soap operas instead, curled up on the couch with wide eyes, either flinching with a pillow to her chest or yelling at the one dimensional characters on the screen.
Lauren had said it herself - she had to be constantly doing something, or else she'd lose her mind.
But there were exceptions to that, and they were times like this.
If there was anything Lauren loved more than creating things and working things out, it was holding Dinah as close as she could, quiet and soft and warm.
When they were curled together, Lauren's brain slowed down, and her body took over, running on a fundamental need for touch and pressure and love. If she said anything at all, it was something affectionate and sleepy. If she moved, it was to snuggle closer or kiss some part of Dinah's body. Everything she did, every word or touch or noise, was just a differently shaped version of I love you.
"I wanna kiss you really bad," Lauren mumbled into Dinah's neck, bringing Dinah out of her thoughts. "But you're all the way up there."
Dinah laughed softly, and shifted slightly. Lauren's hands clutched her body tighter in response, as if to make sure she didn't go anywhere.
"Hey, I'm just trying to help you out," Dinah said, tugging Lauren's hair gently to make her lean back.
Turning her head, Dinah pressed her lips against Lauren's, feeling her wife smile at the contact. The angle was slightly awkward, but as Lauren's still-curved lips parted under Dinah's, kissing her back gently, Dinah couldn't imagine anything more perfect.
"Thank you, baby," Lauren murmured when they broke apart, pressing another chaste kiss to Dinah's lower lip and nuzzling their noses together.
Dinah smiled, closing her eyes and breathing in the faint scent of honey and lavender still on Lauren's skin from when Dinah had made her wash the makeup off her face the night before.
Lauren exhaled, and the sudden rush of air against her neck made Dinah giggle breathlessly.
"I love you," Dinah said, just because she could, hearing the smile in her own voice.
"And I love you," Lauren rasped, brushing another kiss over Dinah's smile.
"And you're never gonna lose me," Dinah said.
"I believe you," Lauren replied after a moment.
"Really?" Dinah breathed, surprised, opening her eyes to see Lauren looking at her.
The clear brightness of Lauren's eyes and the soft tilt to her lips were so different from how scared and unsure she'd been the night before, and it made Dinah's breath catch.
"Of course," Lauren murmured. "When we're like this, I always believe you."
"Lauren," Dinah exhaled. "I can't always be here, like, physically. You know that."
"No, no, I know," Lauren said, shaking her head. "And when you're here, I believe you. And the feeling seems like it's gonna last, you know?"
Dinah nodded, her fingers running through Lauren's hair again.
"And I try to keep it, I swear," Lauren continued. "But when you leave, and I'm alone, sometimes..." she trailed off, swallowing hard. "Sometimes I get so caught up in my own head, that I forget what this feels like."
"Oh," Dinah said, her eyebrows lifting as she got what Lauren was talking about.
"I'm not good at being alone, Dinah," Lauren said, quieter now.
"I'm not, either," Dinah reassured her. "I hate it, too."
"But you're not alone that much," Lauren said, frowning slightly.
Dinah laughed, a short exhale of breath, and kissed Lauren gently to make the frown go away.
"Baby, alone is whenever you're not there," she said, and Lauren's lips parted, her breath catching.
"I really wanna kiss you again," Lauren said after a moment, blinking rapidly.
"I really want you to," Dinah whispered.
Lauren reached up to cup Dinah's cheek, and then connected their lips, kissing her more deeply this time.
"You're so good at that," Lauren mumbled as Dinah turned her head back, looking up at the ceiling and pulling Lauren's face into the crook of her neck again.
"What, kissing you?"
"Making me fall in love with you," Lauren said, voice rough, her lips moving against Dinah's throat.
"Shhh," Dinah hushed her, echoing Lauren from earlier that afternoon and shaking her head slightly. "Less talking, more squeezing me."
Lauren laughed softly, her fingertips brushing over Dinah's cheek. Dinah felt her back rise and fall as she let out a content sigh, and then they were quiet again.
------
A/N:
This has to be the fastest I've ever updated in succession.... I'm honestly proud of myself. I love this chapter a lot.
The next chapter will actually be a continuation of this chapter, and will take place the same day as the second half of this chapter. It shouldn't be too long before I update again. I have ideas for a few more chapters already in my head.
Thanks to Sameeha for proofreading, and of course, to Tash for the cover.
~Lily~