"Desperation is the raw material of drastic change. Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape. "
― William S. Burroughs
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I know the first two chapters are not full of actions, but it will get better. I am just trying to set everything in its proper place. I hope you don't give up on me! I promise it will be worth it.
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Chapter — 1 The Escape
Earlier
"Miss Lillian," the newly employed maid called quietly. She was sent to wake Lillian to tell her the dance teacher was waiting for her in the study.
The maid was inexperienced, therefore, afraid to lose her job, for the other maids have told her what the first-born daughter, Lillian, could do. They have said; don't make a sound when she is sleeping. If you wake her up, do it in the softest voice you could master. Don't rush her when she is picking her evening gowns. Please don't stare at her too much—act as if you are not there because that is what she would want of her maids.
Being there only today, she was trembling. She needs this job to provide for her little son. Her parents have sent her to work to earn money to raise her child. The real world was scarier. She has never been out in the work field like her father, who is the family's rock; he had worked since he was twelve, supporting his siblings when his drunken father spent all the family money on alcohol—coming home late, with bad breath and bloodshot eyes.
So without a choice, her father has taken the load of the family. He has taken all the beating and angry words of his father to protect his siblings from getting the blow of their father's anger. He has gone into houses cleaning and washing while his friends are out playing, with no worries. He quit school, focusing all his time and energy on bringing food to the table at the end of the day.
His father has blamed him for the death of his mother, whom he barely remembers. His father's words have soaked out the light in his eyes. His heart was cold until he met her mother. Yet, his experience has shaped his belief in family values. He never once touched alcohol because he knows and still carries the scars alcohol has done on his family.
"Miss-"
"For God's sake, is a simple sleep too much to ask for?" Lillian grumbled, directing her anger at the now-crying maid. Why mother can't hire a maid who will do her work without bothering me, Lillian thought.
"t-t-t-the," the maid couldn't finish what she wanted to say.
"Do you not know how to speak?" Lillian asked, irritated. The maid chose simply to nod.
"Are you deaf too?" Lillian asked, her anger beyond measure.
"The dance teacher is here, and the countess asked me to wake you up," the maid spoke so fast; Lillian just stared at her with no clear idea of the message. She was pretty sure she heard the maid say something about her mother.
"I am unsure how to process that," Lillian finally commented—getting out of bed. She turned her attention to the blazing sun through the eastbound window.
"Oh, please don't fire me. I have a little boy to take care of," the maid falls before Lillian, pleading with tears rolling down her red cheeks. Lillian looked at her for the first time. Not just look at her but see her too. The maid was average height, with a heart-shaped face and a deep set of green eyes. Her eyes almost make her look like she belonged in the family. Her body wasn't thin, but it was curved just like a lady's should. You could almost imagine her dressed in a beautiful gown, drinking tea, and dancing in ballrooms.
"Bring out my evening gowns. Make sure no green. I don't feel like wearing something green today." Lillian commanded, ignoring the desperate sobbing of the maid.
She wants nothing to do with the maids. They came for the money, so that is all her family provides; of course, the resident maids are supplied with a place to sleep, along with food. This maid wasn't a resident. She likely came from a nearby village and will return in the evenings. Lillian kept her emotions a guard; she trusted not one. All of them addressed back to her mother, so keeping them off her back was another means of keeping her mother away. Thus she wanted no emotional involvement with them.
The maid quickly got up and did what she was told. She was praying to God with all the strength she had that she won't be dismissed. When Lillian was ready, they both went down to the study, the young maid following behind like an invisible tail Lillian couldn't get rid of.
Lillian was excited to meet the dance teacher; she was excited to learn more complex ballroom dance steps. Her morning had started rather unpleasant, and she was determined to make the rest of the day better.
The dance instructor sat on one of the chairs in her father's study room. The study room was filled with books she had yet to discover. She loved to read adventure and romance books. She liked how the women were freer in the books, with no one expecting them to live up to society's expectations.
The force of love surprised her, the way the gentleman came to save the day. A single kiss would make everything all right, and how love makes people act silly. She has laughed and cried with the characters. Reading books has become an escape with no consequence.
However, when the books are far away and she is forced to be in the real world, everything crumbles. The imperfection of the natural world is painted at every little dirty corner she looks at. The way her mother treats her and her father blamed her saying that she is keeping her little brother from having what he wants, which is more land and wealth.
She was blamed for being the firstborn. Her father wanted his firstborn to be a son, an heir who would grow up to be a great man-- a man, who will take over the family estate and prosper it even more. Unfortunately, her little brother was a snake. Losing money gambling and blaming her for his misfortune while her fortune stays locked up. That was the reason she preferred to live in the world of books. Life is simple and everything turns good. By the end of the day, everyone is forgiven and the crying maid is now married to the wealthiest man in the world.
Even though if she thinks logistically about the stories she read about, everything would be impossible. There are more maids than rich men, so what about the rest of the maids. But she made herself ignorant in order to find false happiness. The books made false promises and like a little girl, she believed. Dreaming about her perfect man in the dark tangled mind of hers, where no one could tell her to do what he or she want.
The only freedom she had was her heart. And she let herself believe that if she finds that love, she wouldn't need the wealth. She would give up her fortune to her greedy brother if it meant she was in love and someone loved her back. Loved her for who she is, not seemed to appear to be. Not for her wealth, not for her looks but for her, for her ability to think. Love her just because she is who she is.
"Lady Lillian," the maid called, abruptly pulling Lillian from her daydream. Lillian faked a smile, even though all she wants to do was scream and cry. She held her head high when the only thing she wants to do was fall and explode all these unbearable emotions out. But instead, she smiled, be the good girl she was taught to be. She still remembers her mother scowling at her when she was six years old.
Smile Lillian. Don't hang your shoulders, Lillian. Don't scream Lillian. Share your toys, Lillian. Go to sleep Lillian. Don't stare at people like that Lillian. Don't touch that Lillian. Go say good afternoon Lillian. Everything she seems to remember of her childhood was the black and white No that escapes her parents' lips. Everything she does displeases her parents. Her father was angry with her for not being a boy. Her mother was angry with her for not standing straight or smiling.
So she spent her childhood trying to please them. To hear them once say how proud they are of her. But instead, her brother gets a good boy for fighting in school. Her father has said he is only acting as what he is supposed to be. There was a hint of daring in his voice, daring Lillian to say something, but Lillian has learned to keep quite. The years have turned her heart cold and distance.
"Shall we begin the dance?" asked the dance professor. Lillian paid him a bit of attention. He was not old, but wrinkles from the hardship of his miserable life he led are visible at the corners of his eyes. Is this what Lillian want, to be loved by a man who can't provide her anything but words of love? She shook her head; this doesn't change anything she thought.
There was a loud commanding voice to be heard outside of the study room and not moments after her father entered the room. His face flushed red from the horse riding. She held her head high and waited for his remarks. Waiting for the words that no longer affect her. She now was heartless. Nothing hurts, even their scaring words. She let herself be what they need her to be, the person they lashed at when they couldn't hold their anger or sorrow. Why let it affect her? After all, she was nothing, unwanted child, waiting for the love the world couldn't give.
"Christian is here" her father called as if that answers all her problems. When she didn't say anything in return he continued.
"He is here to ask for your hand in marriage and we have granted him his wish." he spoke.
As if her heart didn't matter as if her needs never need to be fulfilled, as if she is not human, but a toy others use to satisfy themselves. Who are we? She wanted to ask, she certainly wasn't asked for her consent on the "we have granted him his wish" part. She kept quiet like she always does. But this time she was not angry with them, she is angry with herself for letting them make her into what she is right now a broken woman. Left alone in the dark with no light to guide her through her gilded joy.
For once she wished to have the misfortune of the new maid. She wanted to be weak. She wanted to cry and ask why they do this to her. What she has done to deserve to have her only last chance of happiness thrown away to the wolves. For once she wants to ask where her father and mother are because these people for sure seemed to act like they are not her family.
Families wouldn't want their children to grow apart. They would not favor one over the other. No matter what she says her family was picture perfect. All the paintings done of her family made them look as if they were one big and happy family. Every single one of it has her smiling, her father showing affection to both his kids. It is almost as if the painter pitied her, and so painted her happiness, with a promise not to tell another soul of what he has really seen.
She was torn between wanting to be glad that she will leave them all now or be miserable now that she will spend the rest of her life with a man she has no love for. Her mother has said love is just a fairytale and even if you believe in love. You will learn to love the person in time. So you have to give it time. Was she to wait for her heart to be broken? Everything seems to be wrong in her life. The only one thing she had was her lonely heart and there is no hope for it now.
"Your wish is my command, father" Lillian spat. He smiled even tough he knew she wasn't telling the truth. The only thing he wanted was to ship her like a produced good to someone's home.
"I know you will do the right thing. I raised you better." He praised and left. Even his compliment was to exalt himself in his ability to raise her right.
The whole afternoon, his word lingered at the back of her head. She didn't pay attention as Christian came and declare his feelings for her. But she couldn't help but wonder if it is his family's feeling he is showing rather than his own. Maybe he is seeking an escape too and Lillian was the perfect opportunity. This was the Christian from her childhood. The mean Christian telling that he wanted to marry her. The Christain who broke her doll and denied it. How can the Christian who refused to play house with her when she was a child want to build a family with her now?
The pleasure of spending her afternoon reading was no longer as pleasing as it used to be. The words no longer made her believe. The words made her mock her old self. True love, soul mate and hot untamable passion, it was all lies. Lies she needed to believe but now the reality is inevitable. She snapped her book closed and looked at the maid who was standing by the door. Unable to hold all her thoughts Lillian looked for human comfort.
"What is your name?" Lillian asked. The maid was quiet for a while before answering.
"Madelyn-My name is Madelyn," she mumbled.
"Hello, Madelyn. You have a very pretty name. My name is Lillian. How are you?" Lillian asked disguising her voice like an enthusiastic girl. The maid smiled, she was familiar with the play of act and soon the two young girls were telling each other secrets. Their dream and Lillian listened carefully about life as a maid. The young maid told her about her lover named Henry and their love.
The maid for sure doesn't know how to read, but she knew love by heart. The decision for Lillian was made when she heard the story of their love. Hope grew in her cold heart. Her true love must be somewhere out there, watching the same stars under the sky at night. Dreaming of his other half.
Around dinnertime, Lillian called Madelyn. She asked her to bring one of the maids' clothes that will fit Lillian, with shoes and other things the maids wear. Poor Madelyn thought this was part of the act and so she brought the clothes to her mistress, whom she was growing fond of. Lillian changed into the plain uniform.
"I will be right back for supper. You stay right here. I just want to see what it is like to be free before Christian comes tomorrow and take me to his place," She vowed, her eyes sincere that Madelyn has no choice but to agree.
Lillian felt guilty for not trusting Madelyn with her secret but she can't risk being caught when she is this close to escaping her unfortunate fate.
***
The sun sets as she walks down the road without any idea of what lays ahead. She dreamt of a dream that life ahead is so sweet and the road soon will be softer. But little she knew of darkness, the greedy need of her heart, she sets on a journey to forget the past and start a new life.
The past was comfortable, it is a dream come true for many women her age at that time but she was different, she dreamed of freedom. She wants to have whatever she wants and she did, but there was only one thing she was forbidden to have, she was to marry with no choice. To find her way through long marriage with the man of her parents choosing.
She wants her heart to speak, she wants to blush when she see him, she want his voice to be a melody to her ears and she wants to have the need to be close to him. To need him more than possible but with her husband to be, there was nothing. No spark, no melody, of course, he has money that will buy her London's whole prettiest gowns. His house is a grand, maids more than one is able to count.
It is no fair to say he is not handsome, with green eyes and caramel color hair and height almost like her father's. He was a man any class of women would want and more, but all those things didn't move her at all. Her heart was silent when he enters her room and she was empty as before. She closed this chapter of her life with a promise to herself to never open it, to forget this girl exists, and to never whisper of this name. She is now a new woman, a lady of grace.
She has changed from her colorful gown into plain black and white uniform Madelyn has given her. She has taken off her shoes and slipped her soft feet into pointy uncomfortable shoes. It has made her change her mind for a moment.
She has left all her jewelry behind except the diamond her mom gave her when she was celebrating her fifteenth birthday. She tucked it under her stocking for safe keeping. It was the only thing she wants to hold on to of her past. It wasn't hard to slip behind the guards; she knows all the secret passageways that lead to the outside of her home. Used to be home. She closed her eyes willing herself not to cry.
"I am strong, I have held burdens on my shoulder yet I haven't made a sound. I have been insulted for things I have not done and yet here I am despite all the awful words being said to me." She kept whispering it to herself to lift her spirit.
"You are just a child, you don't know anything about the outside world, you hear me closely Lillian. I went to a great deal to find you a perfect suitor and you will respect your duties as the first-born child. Your brother has carried more burden than possible for your sake. It is time you take your stand in society." Her father has told her firmly.
"But fa-"
"No buts you will do as I say and this is the end of it. I don't want to hear you complain no more. You are a grown woman and it is time you act as one"
It was the last thing she heard her father say. She wondered if they will miss her in the morning. When the maid informs her mama of her missing, will her little brother be happy at last? There won't be anything standing in front of his inheritance. Will her father be disappointed, will her mother cry? What will they say? She won't care anymore for the past she reminded herself.
"You will not hear me complain no more father," she whispered as she boarded the train to London. It is the time she acts as grown lady now.
One of the things you have to do to be completely a different person is to change your name because name carries everything to your identity. She braided her hair short and covered her golden hair with a cape. She tried to come up with a name that will be perfect for her new self. At the end she ended up with Lillie, it was as far as she can bear to change her name. The name has carried many scars and she wanted to hold on to her anger so she will never come to doubt her decision of leaving.
The train stopped at Wandsworth, everyone was getting out so she followed. She asked where she could find the nearest hotel and one young man pointed to her the way. Not very sure she followed his direction, hoping for the sun to rise and for the light to fill her heart again. The shadow of her figure was disturbing to look at, she kept her head down and walked as fast as her legs could take her.
It is not safe for a woman to walks after dark alone without being escorted in London's street. There are things that hid in the dark corners. Her mama has told her of the life so many unfortunate women lead in the street. It has been the story her family told her, whenever she wasn't acting like a lady should. Mute like an animal, shoulders straight and her lips turned upward. Welcoming everyone with a sweet innocent smile.
She found the small hotel the young gentleman has told her about; true for his words the hotel wasn't grand or anyway different from small houses that are on the street. She made sure she looked normal and she straightened her dress. She counted up to ten and entered the so-called hotel.
It took her a moment to realize the scene that is on display in front of her. She must have stood there for a long time than usual for a lady in her mid-forties walked up to her. Her clothing was very revealing. Lillie couldn't help but stare at the woman's full breast.
"Are you looking for someone, perhaps unstable husband," the woman asked with knowing smile.
After a moment of realization Lillie stumbled on words "no, I am looking for a place to rest my head for a little bit." She replied politely.
"Sorry Boys! She is not here to collect!" the lady screamed when two or three men stood to welcome Lillie.
Lillie was scared for the first time in her life. Her mind was processing, sending signal and warnings to run. Anywhere is fine as long as it was away from this place. However, her heart wants to stay, after all this was how she is going to find the love of her life. But all the men sitting and gambling their money away made her think of the kind of man she wants.
She sure doesn't want a man who can't keep himself fully clothed and decent to be presented to a lady. These men were of a middle and low class, working hard and spending their makings in alcohol to forget their misfortune. Some with little kids waiting at home, with an empty plate in hand and loveless pale eyes. Their little-stained heart craving for more than just food. Wanting things other kids get easily, attention and love.
But she had the wealth and yet lacked what those little lost children lacked a genuine true love.
She has walked into the real world and there was no turning back. Lillie felt like crying knowing life is no longer luxurious. She felt happy for the hope of finding him, the love of her life. Oh, what she wouldn't pay to find him. Then remembered she was worthless, not so different from the crowd that surrounded the place.
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Well, the first chapter is up, I hope you enjoyed it.
Your comments and vote mean the world to me.
It encourages me to write more and update frequently.