[Noh's Point Of View]
It's been an entire month and nothing has happened yet.
"Noh, please give me some time. I need to gather my thoughts and prepare myself for what may happen." Those were his words as he bit his lip anxiously, his gaze diverted to his fiddling fingers. I can still picture the anguish in his face and the vulnerability of his voice as he spoke to me that night. At that time I thought I understood what he meant. He needed time -possibly a few weeks- to gather strenght and courage to face his father. After what had happened the last time he had seen his father, I couldn't expect him to be ready to face him. The last time he had seen him, his father had gave him a look full of disgust and disapproval. He had turned away from him without hesitation, as if he had discarded him from his life the moment he chose me. I couldn't imagine how much pain the memory brought him and how much repeating the same scenario scared him. I knew that this was one of the hardest things he had set his mind to and that he needed time to prepare himself for what was ought to come.
But even though I was aware of this, wasn't a month too much?
Had he forgotten already? No. It wasn't like that. Although for a moment, I wish it was like that as it would make things so much simpler. But I had been beside Phun long enough to know that he wasn't the kind of person that would forget things easily, especially not matters like this one. In the contrary, Phun had always been known for his good memory. He could memorize an entire book in a few hours. I had always envied him for that. If I had at least half of his memory, I'd probably be doing far better than I was right now, possibly studying overseas or attending the same university as him. He couldn't have forgotten about it. He had to be pushing it aside or ignoring it. Playing oblivious until I brought it up. He was testing me. He was testing how long it would take me to bring it up. That sly bastard.
These are the thoughts that have been consuming me since early morning and that are consuming me now as we watch the game on the television.
I shouldn't be dwelling on these thoughts right now. I should be enjoying myself, like them. My favorite team is currently winning and I should be cheering for them, like the football lover I am. But for some reason, I can't find it in me to feel excited. Instead, I simply watch in silence, letting the two other boys in the room be the ones to cheer in my stead.
With my gaze fixed on the television screen, I mindlessly pet Captain who lies comfortably over my lap. I can hear the booming voices of the two boys beside me as they argue about the game. From what my brain faintly registers, they are defending their favorites passionately. Under regular circumstances, I would be joining them with the same passion but for now, I continue staring blankly at the screen, allowing their voices to mix with the noise that's coming from the television.
Should I ask Phun about it? Should I give up and bring it up myself? No, I shouldn't. I can't afford to pressure him anymore. This wasn't something that excited him obviously. If it was up to him, he'd choose to push it aside indefinitely until the time when it would be too late came. That's just how stubborn and prideful my fiance was. The only reason that he was leaving his pride behind and pushing himself to do it was because I asked him to. Now that he knew my reasons, he wanted to do this so I could marry him free of guilt. He couldn't tolerate seeing me unhappy. He wanted to satisfy me in every way he could. I had his word already. I just had to be patient and wait for him to come out of his shell on his own. I knew this, then why was I still worrying?
"Noh? Noh?" I am suddenly shaken out of my thoughts by a warm hand that lies on top of my shoulder. Flinching in surprise, I turn to look at the other two faces for the first time in a while. As if driven by a invisible force, my eyes land on the person who is the cause of my concerns. I can see my reflection in his big round eyes. Even in there, I can see the detached look in my face. "Yeah?" I decide to drop my thoughts, push them to the back of my mind, but even as I speak, the questions are still there, begging me to speak them.
"Kai was asking you about your favorite team but you seemed lost in your thoughts. Is there something bothering you, Noh?" Phun asks me in a gentle voice, giving my shoulder a light squeeze. Ignoring Phun's concerned expression, I concentrate on responding Kai's question. I can feel Phun's intense stare linger in me, analyzing me as I talk, but I choose to ignore it and stare at Kai's feline eyes. Whatever I was feeling, I was not planning to let him know. I was going to be patient and let him take the initiative. I had already given him the first push, now it was up to him.
Although a bit relunctant, Phun decides to return to his conversation with Kai. They go back to discussing what team is better. They both have good arguments and by the looks of it, it's going to be a tie. After a while, they decide to bet over tonight's winner. They ask me to join them but I decline them along with a smile. I had already spent half of my savings on cat food and supplies. I couldn't afford to be more broke than I already was. Besides, I wasn't that fond of the teams that were playing anyways.
The time starts ticking by as I continue deep in my thoughts. With my eyes fixed on the screen, I watch in silence, without really paying attention to the game. By now, the other two persons have accepted that I am not in the mood to engage myself in their discussions and are leaving me out of them. According to the small timer in the corner of the screen, there is fifteen minutes before the game ends. Fifteen minutes before I can excuse myself to wash the dishes. Since when did I start longing to wash the dishes? No wonder I was considered the girl in the relationship. I think to myself, bitterly.
Five minutes before the game ends, my phone starts vibrating in my pocket. I stir from the couch in surprise, pushing Captain off my lap and causing the other two boys to look my way. I brush them off with an awkward smile before proceeding to bring my phone out of my pocket. I can't contain a gasp from leaving my lips upon reading the caller's ID: Phun's mother.
Although we had agreed to keep in touch, this was the first time she tried to contact me since her last visit. What could she possibly want? Had she already convinced Phun's father to talk to him? If she asked me about Phun, what was I going to say? Could I tell her that Phun had agreed to talk to his father even though that was something I wasn't completely sure about?
"Who is it, Noh?" Phun's sudden question makes me jump in fright before rushing to hide my phone behind me. "Why did you become so pale? Who is it?" Phun continues with a raised eyebrow and starts to reach for my phone.
I whirl around in an attempt to keep him from grabbing my phone, which is safely hidden behind my back. "It's It's just Yuri." I tell him in a trembling voice that gives away my nervousness. "Then why aren't you answering her? Answer her. It must be something urgent." Phun tells me in a solemn voice but I can tell he is annoyed from the way he is looking at me.
"Okay! I'll be right back!" I excuse myself with a bow which is so unlike of me, and rush out of the living room and towards our bedroom.
After entering the room, I lock the door behind me and take a deep breath. My heart is beating frantically against my rib cage and my muscles are aching. What was I supposed to tell her? Have I failed in my mission? Or could I give her good news? Calm down, Noh. You got this. I give myself strength as I seat over the bed.
In a corner of the bedroom I notice the presence of White, who is sleeping peacefully. He probably had seek for shelter at the unfamiliar visitor. He was so different from his sibling, who adored visits. As if by magic, White's company makes me feel more at ease, giving me courage to bring myself to answer the phone.
"Hello?" I answer the phone in a quiet, timid voice that I don't recognize in myself.
"Hello, Noh?" After a few seconds, I finally hear that familiar voice that cursed me once, sounding benelovent and kind as the first time I met her. I am quite surprised that she hasn't hang up after all the time it took me to gather courage to answer her. It must be something important for her to wait patiently for me to answer. For a moment, I am caught wishing for her to have hung up. It would've made things so much easier.
"Hello, Mrs. Phumiphat. How are you doing?" I hate the awkwardness in my voice as I speak. I wish I could return to that time where I could talk comfortably to her but it seems that it will take me some time to adjust to her presence again. On the other hand, she doesn't seem to be having the same problem.
In the contrary, she speaks as if nothing had ever happened, as if everything had been just a bad dream of mine. "I'm doing fine. Finally got off of work. How are the two of you doing? Doing good, yeah?" The more I hear her speak to me in that gentle motherly voice, the more calm I feel. There's something in her voice that always seems to trigger the good memories that I have of her and likewise, the bad memories are also brought to my mind but I swallow them and decide to focus in the good ones.
"We are doing great, thankfully. Phun brought a classmate over today. They are currently watching the game in the living room." I tell her as I scratch the top of my head awkwardly. "That sounds like fun." She tells me in a solemn voice but deep behind it, I can hear a heavy loneliness.
A long pause follows. I know what is in her mind even without her speaking a word. She's reminiscing all the memories in which her son was beside her. When the days were peaceful and everything seemed perfect. The days in which I had yet to appear. She's probably picturing her son with that playful smile of his as he spent time with them. When there was no resentment and no wound. I feel my heart aching as I picture this. A happy looking boy beside his father, both cheering for their favorite soccer team. Pang, sprawled on the other couch, engaged in her yaoi mangas. Their mother watching them from the kitchen, enjoying the view as she made them baked cookies. A happy family. If I was hurting at the thought, how much more suffering did it cause her?
"We recently adopted two cats! he he.." Unexpectedly, I find myself telling her about that in an attempt to cheer her up. She stays silent as she processes my words before letting out a joyful laugh, "New pets, huh? That's very good. How did you named them?."
"White and Captain." I respond, trying to throw away all the discomfort and break the barrier between the two of us. "Ha ha. Those names are very peculiar. How did you come up with them?" She asks as she lets another laugh, her voice sounding curious and honest.
And just like that we begin to engage ourselves in a conversation that I couldn't even hope for two years ago. The minutes pass and we continue talking about unimportant things. In a short amount of time it starts to feel as if we were back to the old days, where the peace abounded between Phun and his family. I think about how this is how it should be. This is how it should be from now on. I will do anything to return everything to normality.
We continue talking about how our days have been in the past month. She tells me about Pang's university and her well being. She is studying hard to become a vet. I smile to myself as I think about her. She was the reason that I got this close to Phun and deep inside, I'm grateful towards her and feel a deep affection for her. She also tells me about Pang's possible engagement. Apparently, she's been dating this guy, Pop, for a couple of years now and yesterday, Phun's family received his unexpected visit. That surprises me and I feel excitement grow in me. Wait till Phun hears this news. His beloved sister, married? What will his reaction be at the news? Although Phun and Pang had kept in touch over the years, it had been a few weeks since the last time they had talked and a few months since they had seen each other. I was sure the news was going to surprise him as well.
I think about telling her about our engagement news but decide to save that for later. Deep inside, I hoped that we'd be together when we tell them. How would they react at the news? Will they feel angry and throw us out again? Or perhaps, even if the chance is very slim, they will accept us and bless our engagement?
A blush creeps in my cheeks and I can't contain a sheepish smile to form in my lips at the thought of us getting married. Though I've never been the romanticist, I had always looked forward to my wedding. Who doesn't look forward to their wedding day? I had always dreamed about my future wife wearing a white dress, looking spotless and breathtaking. But wait? Who will get to wear the dress? I guess that will be me -_- ( There's no way in hell I'm going to dress as a girl for a second time! I would be the most horrendous bride in earth!) My smile deepens when I picture Phun wearing a white tuxedo, his hair styled backwards. His white teeth showing in a loving smile towards me. In the crowds, our two families and friends applauding at us, their faces full of happiness and acceptance.
"Noh?" A voice calls my name and I am brought back to earth. "Yes?" I ask as I shake the image out of my head, suddenly the room feels hot around me.
"Have you talked to Phun about what we agreed?" I feel my heart stop and that same nervousness return. I stare at the corner of the room, where White lies comfortably and wish for a moment to switch bodies with him. If I was a cat my life would be so much easier and I could get away from answering.
Although I wish I could forget about everything and turn myself into a ball in the corner, I know better to know that I should answer the person on the other line. "I have.." I simply say, sounding distant and disconnected. I know well what question is coming next and I'm contemplating my answer to that one.
"And what did he say? Did he agree?" And there it is. The question I was fearing all this time. Her voice sounds hopeful and desperate, as if she was a mother waiting for a doctor's prognostic on her son. I know what she wants to hear but if I tell her he did, would that be a lie? Technically he agreed, didn't he? I've made progress, right? Then, why did it feel as if I was still far away from the goal?
Letting out a wry sigh and closing my eyes, I just respond with the truth, "I think he still needs more time.."
"Oh.. I see. I understand." She tells me in a understanding voice but I can still hear the disappointment clear like water. "It must be very hard for him to see us when we have hurt him so much." She continues after a moment, her voice filled with pain and self hatred.
"But don't worry! I'm sure he will get there when it's the right time!" I assure her immediately, trying to bring some sort of consolation. "Thank you," She tells me in gratitude, "for your support and cooperation. It must have been difficult to talk to him knowing how stubborn he is. You don't know how thankful I am."
"It's okay. You don't have to thank me. I am also doing it for his own good. I know how much he misses you, even though he refuses to admit. I want to return everything back to normality." I answer her confidently, feeling determined to this. "Thank you." She repeats once again.
After a while I decide that I need to be brave just like she was and ask what I'm so desperate to know. Whether the answer is positive or negative, I need to find out either way. This defines the fate of Phun, after all. And I need to be prepared and prepare him for what may come. Taking a deep breath, holding it and letting it out, I speak my question, "What about his father? Is he willing to meet with Phun?"
"Oh, he is. He is looking forward to seeing his son again." She tells me in excited voice but for some reason, I can hear some uncertainty through it. "Really?" I ask her in disbelief. I can almost see her nodding furiously on the other side, "Yes! Yes!"
Although it doesn't fully convince me, I decide to trust her for now.
"Then I will try to convince Phun to meet him as soon as possible. Don't worry. I will try my best to get him to see him soon." I tell her optimistically, feeling thrilled and fearful at what I am getting into. "Alright! You do that! Please call me when there's news, okay?"
Wishing each other luck one last time, we finally decide to hang up.
I stay seated in place a moment, thinking about the things we had just discussed, wondering what my next move would be. Why did Phun had to be so damn hard, man? Couldn't he just be submissive and easy to handle? Is this a personality trait that comes with the tops? What the heck am I even saying? I shake my head and scratch at my skull.
I am still deep in thought when White's meowing caughts my attention. I look in his way and realize that he has left the corner and is now standing by the door, fully aware. He is looking at something through underneath the door and sniffing. I squint my eyes, trying to look closely, "What is it, buddy?"
My heart stops when I realize that there's a shadow under the door. Someone must be standing on the other side. I don't need to open the door to know who it is. I stand up and start making my way towards it, my hand reaching for the knob but before I can turn it around, the shadow leaves and I hear footsteps as it walks away.