[Noh's Point Of View]
I've never been an overly dramatic person.
Okay, okay. I admit it. I may use obnoxious expressions and overreact about certain things, especially when I'm excited or angry. I also might have a big mouth and curse or use unnecessary sarcastic remarks sometimes. Okay, most of the time. But that's not the point! What I'm trying to say is, I've always avoided bringing attention towards myself.
One thing I've always disliked is being the center of attention or having others talk about me behind my back. It just doesn't go well with me. It makes me feel uncomfortable and out of place. Making an embarrassment out of myself in front of others has always been my biggest nightmare. I never understood how celebrities or those who made a living out of other's attention could live freely. However, on that day I finally understood them. Okay, not really. I still don't understand celebrities. I mean, how can you give up your privacy and live on knowing that half of the country is speaking about you? (Noh, you're going out of topic again!) But what I did understand is that sometimes, stepping out of your comfort zone in order to keep the things that you treasure the most is necessary. In my case, it was Phun who drove me to take extreme measures.
I remember that day clearly, despite how much I've tried to erase it. Even though it was a day full of joy, it was also filled with sorrow. And most importantly, embarrassment and shame. The wedding day of Phun and his alleged future wife, Mai. It was a wedding that I was not invited to. Ha ha. It's not as if I had been expecting an invitation. (I mean, what man would want to invite his ex to his wedding? Specially when his ex is another man!) And it's not like I wanted an invitation either. At that time, I was too focused in forgetting about him and his blissful wedding. And I was almost there, really. Okay, not really. If I'm honest, I was still heartbroken and hadn't managed to forget one tiny bit. There was not a single day where he didn't cross my mind nor a single night where I didn't cry myself to sleep, longing for his presence. But at least, I was getting out of my emotional wreck.
The first two weeks of my life without Phun had been way too miserable. I wasn't eating nor drinking enough. I wasn't pooping nor urinating enough either. My whole body ached and I was starting to have hallucinations from the lack of sleep. I even took a break from my job as I no longer had the strength to get out of bed. My parents and my friends were worried but I didn't even had the mood to speak to them. What could I say? If I said I was okay, It would be useless as they would be able to tell I was lying. So instead, I locked myself up inside my room and refused to see anybody.
Every time I broke down, I wondered if he was as broken as I was. Was he hurting too or was he getting over me and starting a new life? Although knowing that he was in pain would make me feel slightly better, I prayed for him to be okay. I wished him happiness and joy in his new life as I didn't want him to be in the same situation I was. My mother would always say that the worse moments are the ones that make you realize how much someone means to you. And I could finally say that it was true as I had realized that I loved him with all my heart. He was my world and I would give anything to be with him for the rest of my life.
But I also knew that no matter how much I prayed for it, we weren't meant for one another. Coming back to him would bring me so many storms that I wasn't sure that I could withstand. And it wasn't only for my own peace, it was for his own good as well. Just like Phun's mother had said, binding him to me would make his life so complicated. Phun wasn't like me. He had a bright future in front of him and I didn't know if I was capable of seeing him get stepped on by others because of me. More so, if he were to become ashamed and regret me. So once I accepted that I had taken the right decision, I decided to stand up and learn to walk without him.
After that, life finally started to stabilize. I started eating, sleeping and even working again. I returned to being myself, even though one half of me was gone. My life was finally in peace. There were no more wars surrounding me and I could breathe at last. Everything was back to normal and yet, my life lacked its color and its purpose. Days and days passed but I don't remember a single one of them. There was no excitement nor joy in them. I lost my interest and love for the things I used to enjoy. I even lost my passion for music! I was just doing it out of duty, not because I wanted to. My life consisted of work and sleeping. I would go to work then come straight home. Oh! And eating! Yeah, I would eat and eat, and then, if I was bored (which was most of the time) eat again. I was dying of boredom and yet, I lacked the motivation to get up and do stuff. This made me gain all the weight I had lost and even some extra pounds (that I still keep with me -_-) But even though I knew what I was missing, I refused to acknowledge it. So to not think about it, I would sleep instead. Okay, I accept it. My life sucked without Phun. But despite it, I still was getting myself by. Perhaps, with some time, I would've managed to get over him and move on. However, everything crumbled down when I received a very unexpected visit.
One Thursday I was coming back from work when I encountered Phun's little sister, Pang right outside our door. She looked conflicted as she contemplated on whether or not she should knock the door. In that moment, I didn't know what to do. Should I approach her or should I turn around and leave before she could see me? I asked myself as I stared at her from the gate I had forgotten to close before leaving early that morning. I really wanted to talk to her and ask her about Phun. Was he getting over me or was he still heartbroken? I was dying to know but at the same time, I feared that the information she could provide me with would be too much for me to handle.
I was just about to turn around and leave me when I heard her soft voice call my name. "Shit.", I cursed under my breath as I turned around to face the beautiful face that was now in front of me. "Hello, P'Noh!", She waved her hands with a smile that I could tell wasn't entirely sincere. There was something about her that told me that what she was about to tell me was something I didn't want to hear. Perhaps the lack of glimmer in her eyes or the way her hands kept trembling. I don't really know. But I knew that something was wrong right away.
Once we got inside the house, and I offered her a cup of coffee, she finally dropped the reason of her visit. "P'Noh.. I' m not sure if you already know about this but.. P'Phun is going to get married this Sunday." And there it was! Just what I didn't want to hear! I stood speechless as I couldn't find my voice to reply. Although what she was telling me was something I already knew, to hear that it was finally coming true was tearing me apart.
"P'Noh? Are you okay?" Half a minute in silence went by until she finally realized that I wasn't planning to respond. Was I okay? It was obvious that I wasn't. I wanted to cry but I didn't want to do it in front of her. I wanted to ask her to leave but I didn't want to be disrespectful. Especially not to the only person that had always supported us. I just looked at her and nodded my head slowly. "Yeah, I already knew about it. I didn't know it was going to be this soon though." I finally brought myself to speak in a hoarse voice as it felt as if my throat had suddenly dried.
"P'Noh? Are you really not going to do anything about it?" She asked me with pleading eyes, as if she was hoping that I would do something. But what could I do about it? I had already promised myself and Phun's mother that I wouldn't bother them anymore. "No.. I'm sorry.." I said as I dropped my gaze to the floor, refusing to look at her disappointment. Suddenly, I was feeling ashamed of myself and I couldn't bring myself to raise my head. I was losing what I most loved and yet, I was standing back like a coward.
"P'Noh.. I know that you are tired and have lost your strength but, please think about it again, hmm? Phun really loves you and he is suffering right now too. He is following our parents orders but this is not what he wants. You're what he wants and I know that if you give him another chance, he will throw everything away and run back to you. So please, for your happiness and for his, think about it, hmm?", She held to my hands and looked at me pleadingly, her voice soft and tender.
I stared at her with tear filled eyes and yet, I couldn't bring myself to cry in front of her. In that moment, a million of doubts and hopes were clouding my reasoning. What if she was rightand I could get Phun back? What if she was right and we wouldn't be able to be happy apart from the other? Was I really capable of going on like I was? How long would it take me to finally explode? Was I ever going to recover? But what if, what if the life without him was so much better? What if I was not ready to face everything that were to come if I went back to him?
Shaking my head to get rid of all the questions in my head, I stood up from the couch and walked towards the door. Opening the door, I looked away and pleaded, "Please, can you leave? I need.. I need time to think by myself. So please, please leave.." I knew I was being rude and that she didn't deserve this treatment but in that moment, I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts. The decision I were to take was going to change my life completely. I had to think about it without any pressure surrounding me.
Nodding her head slowly, she stood from the couch and followed the path that directed to the outside. Once gone, I ran upstairs and locked myself up in my room. My mind felt so cloudy and so full of doubt and fears, but at the same time, it was full of unwanted hope.
If I were to go back to him, would it be okay?