I opened my eyes slowly to be hit by a light coming from a window. I blinked rapidly, adjusting to it whilst sitting up slowly in the bed. It looked like the blizzard had calmed down a lot which meant we'd be moving again. I liked it here, it was cozy and me and Ward got close, very close.
I knew what I had done was probably going to haunt me. It was going to come around and slap me in the face at one point. Maybe it was a mistake? It didn't feel like a mistake.
I searched the floor to see where my clothes were chucked. I couldn't stay in bed naked because then I'd make the same mistake again. I looked next to me to see Ward laying there, sleeping peacefully.
He was great. I mean, all my emotions entwining with the sex? It was rough, dirty but amazing. I let go completely, I let him have all of me and whether that was a big mistake or not, it was too late.
If I ever saw Shield again, they could never know about this. They'd kill me if Hydra didn't. Especially Lance. Everything about this felt wrong but it felt so good. I was happy and Ward was definitely happy.
I reached down and grabbed my top, slipping it on slowly before hands wrapped around my waist and dragged me down onto the bed gently.
"I like it better off you" He grinned, still looking sleepy. I smiled at him slightly, feeling embarrassed. It wasn't like it was a one night stand or anything but...He was the enemy, I slept with the enemy.
"We can't stay in bed all day. You know that"
"Are you worried?" He raised an eyebrow, easily noticing that I was worried about Hydra finding us, I was even worried Shield would now. How embarrassing would it be if they walked through the door whilst we're laying here, naked?
"I never get a happy ending, Ward. Something will come and ruin it" I whispered and he kissed my forehead shaking his head.
"I never get a happy ending either so maybe the both of us together means we will finally get the happy ending we deserve" I knew he was trying to comfort me but it didn't help.
"The blizzards calmed down" I changed the subject quickly and he glanced at the window before looking down at me again. "That means they'll be after us again"
"They won't find us" He stood up slowly, slipping on a top whilst I admired his cute butt...I couldn't help myself.
"They're trained in that area. They can easily track us down" I sat up again, grabbing my trousers and putting them on quickly.
"So am I. Look, I lead them astray. Shield and Hydra had a little meeting" He turned to me smiling but I shot up in a heartbeat and frowned at him.
"What do you mean had a little meeting?" I questioned him and his smile dropped. "Ward. If you put my brother in danger-"
"They can handle themselves. It was just a distraction"
"You don't know that! Hunter could've been hurt! Or worse!" He clenched his jaw but I could see he was trying to control his anger. How dare he put my brother in danger just to let us get further away? I'd rather be caught than have my brother be hurt because of me.
"I did it for us Jess"
"You do not, I repeat not put anyone's life in danger just to help us" I walked up to him sighing. "Maybe that was the way you did things before but not now. I'm not having anyone die because of me"
"It won't be because of you. It'd be my fault" He smiled at me sadly before mumbling "It's always my fault"
"It doesn't have to be that way. We can do things the right way and still get away" I hugged him tight trying to comfort him. "No one has to get hurt"
"You'll get hurt" He whispered pulling away. "Get ready. We have to get moving" He stormed off, looking blank again. I upset him, I didn't mean to but I didn't want anyone getting hurt! This love was toxic, horrible but when it was good it was amazing.
I didn't want to be on the run all my life. If people came after us, Ward would become his old self and people would be hurt. How could we live a normal life when he's so used to being the bad guy? He's so used to killing people to get what he wants and if he wants to protect me, he'd do that at any cost. I couldn't think about the people that have died because of me, whether they're good or evil they're still human and because of me they're now dead. I wasn't worth all of this.
I walked outside and stared at the car. It wasn't the one we came here in. The old one was a black jeep, this one was a small pickup truck.
"I had to change cars incase they tried tracking it" He whispered as I got in. That'd make sense. The only thing that didn't make sense was why I was going with him willingly. I loved him but I also loved my brother. We was moving further and further away from them and I'd soon be so far away it would've looked like I had just vanished from the face of the earth. Could I go through with that? Could I just leave my brother behind for a man so evil and bad for me yet so good at the same time? Was he worth all of this?
"Hunter's going to worry" I whispered but got no reply back. "I need to tell him I'm safe-"
"You can't. The more you contact him the more worried he'll be. It's better for the both of us if we just disappear without a trace. If you call him he'll trace the call and if you go back to see him I won't get you back because they'll take you" Ward explained to me but I just had a horrible feeling that this was a big mistake.
"He'll get himself killed, Ward" I watched him but his face was blank. I knew he didn't care and that really pissed me off. If he cared about me he'd care about what I wanted and what I wanted to do.
"Shield won't let him. He'll be fine. If you go back you won't be. You'll be trapped again and they'll keep using you until they push you too far and it ends up killing you"
"I don't want to go back to Shield. I want to go back to my normal life but I want Hunter to be in it"
"And what about me? Do you want me in your life?" He faced me, searching for an answer. Did I? I mean, did I really want him in my life? He destroyed everything and everyone around me but the way he changed for me, tried to protect me really did pull on my heart strings.
"Yes" I whispered, still unsure. He didn't look convinced but he didn't query me either. I hated that I couldn't make my mind up. I wanted to be with him but then I knew everything about this was wrong. I knew that I had to go back to Shield and Hunter if I didn't go with him. Ward wanted to make up for what he has done, he regrets it all.
"If you don't want me in your life, just say. I want you to be happy" He whispered, not looking at me. I felt terrible, I felt so cruel for playing with him like this.
"I'm giving you a chance, Ward. I'm giving you a chance for you to prove what you mean. Make me believe, push any doubts aside and I'll stay by your side" I put my hand on his gently and he nodded. I knew he was trying, he really was trying but I didn't want him to be unhappy because of it.
He started the car up and began to drive. I tried to blank out my thoughts but it was impossible. I had so many doubts that were clogging up my mind so I couldn't think properly.
"I'm sorry Jess. For everything. All my mistakes, all the hurt. You mean everything to me and I'm sorry that I put you through it all"
"I know" I whispered looking out the window. I couldn't look at him because I'd probably tear up. I didn't want that. I didn't want anymore anger, hate, sadness...No more anything but happiness.
"I love you" My heart stopped and as much as I wanted to look at him, I refused. I felt like he was trying to manipulate me again. Why couldn't I just forgive him and trust him? But what if he meant that, what if he was actually confessing his love to me and I just ignored him?
"...I know"
"And I know that this isn't what you truly want" He stopped the car and this time I looked at him. "I can't keep you hostage. I'm not dragging you around with me against your will. You need to choose whether I like the answer or not. You need to choose to come with me or go back to Shield" I stared at him shocked, was this a test or was he just trying to make me happy?
"I don't know what I want" I whispered, tearing up. "I wish I did but my mind is all over the place and I don't know what I want to do! I want you both"
"You know that can't happen" He whispered. "I think you need to have some time alone, to think about what you truly want. I'll leave you at the cabin for a few days and you can decide what you want" He started driving back to the cabin which was very close. I didn't want to be left alone but maybe it wasn't about what I wanted, it was about what I had to do. I had to make my mind up.
"Ward" I sighed but he shook his head pulling back up to the cabin.
"I'll give you my phone, you'll have two options. Once you've made up your mind, you can call me and we can go on the run, we'll find a small closed off village where we can live peacefully away from everyone. We'll go off the grid completely and they'll be no going back"
"What's the other option?"
"You call Hunter. You let him trace the call and I'll go...You'll never see me again" I knew he was hurt but he had to let me do this.
"I don't want to hurt anyone" I teared up shaking my head. "If I choose you, Lance will be hurt. If I choose Lance, you'll be destroyed"
"And if you don't choose and I drag you along, you'll be destroyed" He passed me his phone and leaned over, placing a light kiss on my lips. "No matter what you choose, I'll always love you" I grabbed him and pulled him into a hug, taking in his scent, his firm grasp one last time before I got out the car and watched him drive off. I knew that he hated this, I hated this. All of this was caused by me, my indecision to know what I truly want. I had to think carefully, I had to think of the pro's and con's to either side. It was either Shield or Ward, family or love.