"Stupid to speak of blame when the wills of the immortals are involved." ~Jacqueline Carey
Chapter Eighteen- Blame
August 6th 3012, 7:00am
Yesterday’s news had spread throughout the resistance. The overall mood was shock and confusion. I chose to stay in my room; it just seemed like the best option. I needed to stay out of everyone’s way. How did they feel about me now? Were they sympathetic knowing that voids were just pawns in a larger plan? Were they angry knowing that the country was going to be at war with god only knows how many more nations?
I couldn’t figure out what the United States had done that could have been bad enough to get the entire world pissed at us. What if it wasn’t the entire world? Did we have allies? Would NATO still be in effect? I had never been taught anything about it, the only reason I knew it existed was because I read. Canada? Mexico? Belize? Costa Rica? El Salvador? Guatemala? Nicaragua? Panama? We were all in North America together, so doesn’t it make since that we would be allies. I mean we had to be, what would happen if a void went over into that country or someone entered into ours? The airlines had been shut down but that didn’t mean the voids wouldn’t spread. So what did that leave against us? All of the Caribbean, Africa, the Middle East, Europe, Australasia, South America. Great, so basically it was the United States against the other superpowers: Brazil, China, the European Union, Russia, and India. That is, if all alliances are thrown out of the window.
Would they use the Monroe Doctrine? Western hemisphere against the eastern. Would North Korea be on board with us? Would that help us? Did I want the help? I didn’t care but I knew what the resistance members would want. This is a war of voids versus humans for us, and that was one war the American resistance members wouldn’t mind losing to any country. Were the others wondering the same things I was?
What could the U.S. have done? Why couldn’t I figure this out? Not even as a void did this whole thing make sense. Nothing was adding up. There was something I were missing. That one little thing could be the one fact that unraveled the whole theory.
Suddenly my thoughts took a hard left turn. Jaxon. How would he take the news? Something told me he would be just as confused as I was. I thought about how my feelings for him had developed. My..."love" for him had developed quickly. Love was a confusing emotion. It seemed after Jaxon left my "love" for him had grown even more. How could that happen? He was gone, so why was my...affection continuing to develop? Shouldn't it have stopped? Given, it did stop when I was a void. Everything stopped when I was a void, emotionally that is.
It was so strange, becoming a void. It was like everything works but nothing matters. Like I'm watching the earth move and these events are occurring all around me, but none of them have any meaning. Like life without color or music without words. There was nothing to relate to. There was no meaning or desire. I guess that didn't matter though.
Without Jaxon, the Danny that could feel was empty. Even when I wasn't a void, I somehow was, just in a different way. Colors weren't as bright. Sounds weren't as beautiful or melodic, instead they were loud sirens that continuously assaulted my ears. How could that be? My memory stretched to something I had read many years ago. ...the earth, seems to me a sterile promontory; this most excellent canopy, the air—look you, this brave o'erhanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted with golden fire—why, it appears no other thing to me than a foul and pestilent congregation of vapors. What a piece of work is a man! How noble in reason, how infinite in faculty! In form and moving how express and admirable! In action how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god! The beauty of the world. The paragon of animals. And yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights not me. My memory supplied the text from some long forgotten source. That was exactly how I was feeling. I was surrounded by all these events but none of them meant anything. The revelation about the war, the resistance group coming together, everyone mourning Josh's death. They meant nothing to me.
In the distance someone was approaching my room. I sat up on my mattress as best I could and waited patiently for whoever would be arriving. Claire came up to my gate within seconds and gave me a smile.
"Come on Danny, we're already late for breakfast." She said sweetly in a still slightly raspy voice.
I don't understand how Claire can be sweet and gentle one minute and arguing with a group of girls the next. Maybe that was just her personality. Or maybe it was because she liked me so she could be sweet and innocent with me. She was tough when she needed to be and gentle when she wanted.
"Okay." I agreed. Empty, emotionless, as always.
"Most everyone has already eaten but there's a few stragglers." She explained. "Luckily, Audrey and her clan are part of the group that's already eaten."
"Okay." I said once more.
I'll never understand why Claire bothers to talk to me while I'm a void. It's not like I care about anything she has to say. I know she does it to make me feel more comfortable around her and so I know that she is okay with me, void or not. However, I can't help but notice the thick presence between us, this undeniable blockade around her true feelings. What were they? Was she just as much like the others, or were her words and feelings true?
I wish there was some way to get into another person's mind. To see what they see, feel what they feel, hear what they think. I want to know what it's like to be Claire in this situation, but such things are impossible and there is no reason to dwell on such human-like thoughts.
Things like wanting and wishing are useless. Everyone should be grateful for what they do have and just accept that there will always be someone who has more than them. That's what we voids had been taught our entire lives. That is if you would call this living. Is it living? This emptiness? This hollow feeling? This void inside me? The void that consumes me, like a black hole that cuts off all light- all emotion-is that living? This jumping from pill to pill just create the same feeling as before. Is this life, or is this simply existing? I suppose it doesn't matter, after all when did anything matter in this world?
We walked into the food court to see it mostly empty. Kelsey sat at a table biting at an apple. Beside me Claire gasped and ran to the table.
"We have fruits?" She yelled in excitement. Kelsey smiled and nodded at her, pointing to the counter. The counter had four metal bins with strawberries, grapes, cantaloupe and apples. "Oh my god!" She shrieked as she placed a handful of grapes on her plate.
I sat down at the table with Kelsey. She was watching Claire with a smile on her face and a look of amusement twinkling in her eye. Claire sat down beside me and plopped a grape into her mouth. She threw her head back and moaned as she chewed.
"Do you know how long it's been since I have had grapes?" Claire asked us.
"Too long?" Kelsey guessed.
"Yes." Claire responded as she took a bite of a strawberry. "Oh god." She moaned.
"You're going to have the whole resistance over here with your moaning." Leon said as he walked towards the table. He took a seat between Kelsey and Claire.
"I can't help it." Claire defended herself. "How's Daniel?" She asked after she swallowed.
Leon shrugged and placed an elbow on the table. He rubbed his forehead and closed his eyes tightly. After a moment he stopped and sighed.
"He won't talk to anyone. He won't work. He just sits in his room staring at the wall." Leon explained.
"Is he eating?" Kelsey asked. Leon raised his eyebrows and shook his head in response.
"Not that I know of." He told her.
"So that's how he's going to handle the situation? He's going to starve himself to death?" Claire asked waving a strawberry with a bite taken out of it in small circles beside her head.
"He just lost his brother." Kelsey pointed out.
"We've all lost someone." Claire said with a slightly bitter tone.
"Daniel has already lost his parents. Josh was all he had left, and he had to see him dead in the floor of a pharmacy. He has no one left." Kelsey said.
Claire raised an eyebrow and squinted his eyes slightly.
"I wouldn't know what that's like, would I?" She asked sarcastically.
"Okay girls, put the claws away." Leon said gently.
"I'm just simply pointing out that he shouldn't be starving himself because Josh died." Claire said after a while of silence. "He's still a part of this resistance and we need him."
"I agree with you." Leon said. "However, we should let him deal with this his way."
"Maybe you could talk to him." Kelsey suggested. "You know, get him to eat at least, this fruit won't last for long."
Leon nodded and rose from the table. He walked off towards Daniels room. The three of us sat in silence. I could feel the tension between Claire and Kelsey. Their minor argument was brief but had a heavy effect between the two of them. Claire stared down at her plate as she plopped more grapes into her plate. Kelsey's eyes were fixated on the table top. They both had an intense look on their face.
"I'm sorry." Claire said after a second of chewing. Kelsey's eyes lifted from the table to Claire's eyes. "It's just that when my dad died people expected me to be okay with it. After all we knew it was coming for a while and he was in a lot of pain. Everyone expected me to just... accept it."
"I assumed it had something to do with your dad." Kelsey stated. "I'm sorry for insinuating that you didn't know what it was like to be alone. I forget that I'm not the only one who lost everything. Especially with you. You're so carefree all the time."
Claire nodded, accepting her apology. She went back to her plate that was now nearly empty. She chewed the last few pieces of cantaloupe on her plate and got up to throw it away.
"You're not going to eat?" Kelsey asked me.
I shook my head.
"Why not?" She asked.
I shrugged.
"Jaxon?" She guessed.
"What about him?" I asked, my voice giving no emotion away. No love, no hope, no sadness. Nothing.
"Do you miss him?" Kelsey asked.
"I don't feel anything." I reminded her. She smiled at my response.
"When you can feel, do you miss him?" She asked.
"Yes." I answered. She nodded and Claire sat back down beside me. There was a moment of silence. "Do you like Leon?" I asked Kelsey.
I watched as she blinked in surprise and eventually blushed slightly. She looked down to hide it but I saw it anyway.
"Yeah." She answered shyly.
I heard footsteps approaching. I turned my head to see Leon with a depressed looking Daniel beside him. Daniels hair was messy and short hairs were starting to sprout from his chin and jaw. His eyes were red and held a certain disposition when they landed on me. Leon took his seat in between Claire and Kelsey leaving one between Kelsey and myself. Daniel stood behind it and looked down at me.
"You didn't tell me she would be here." He said with a tone of distaste that dripped venom with every syllable.
“Of course you didn't kill him.” Claire said. “No one thinks you killed him.” She stated. I scoffed and looked off to the side. “You were there when the guys came back, right?” I asked. “Rebecca was just overwhelmed. Everyone is blaming everyone, especially Daniel, but trust me, no one is blaming you.” She said. I burrowed my eyebrows together. Daniel? Who would Daniel blame? “He blames himself.” Claire said, reading my expression flawlessly. I remembered the conversation I had with Claire.
I thought he wasn't blaming me. I thought no one blamed me. I thought they understood that I had no control over the situation.
Did you think they would blame themselves? The voice inside me returned. They all are allies with one another, blaming another resistance member would be like pointing a finger in the mirror. Of course they're going to blame you. They should, you killed him.
I didn't kill him. I thought back in an empty tone.
Not directly but make no mistake about it, you killed him. The voice mocked me.
I pushed the voice away into the back of my mind and focused on the scene that was unraveling before my eyes.
"I didn't think it would matter." Leon responded.
"Why the hell wouldn't matter?" Daniel yelled at him.
"Daniel, I thought you understood that what happened wasn't anyone's fault." Kelsey said softly.
"Wasn't anyone's fault?" Daniel asked in an outraged tone. "Jaxon and my brother were in that damn pharmacy for a reason!" He yelled.
"You're right, to find a cure for the resistance." Claire said placing emphasis on 'for the resistance' part.
"For that thing." Daniel corrected her.
"Daniel!" Claire yelled, sounding highly upset, as if she had been the one insulted. "You're hurt, I get that, but there's no reason to take it out on Danny." She insisted.
Daniel gave a short, humorless laugh and looked away for a moment before turning back quickly. He grabbed Claire's hair and pulled her head back against the table.
"Daniel! Stop!" Kelsey yelled.
"No reason to take it out on your little friend?" Daniel asked, tilting his head to the side while hovering inches from her face and ignoring Kelsey's panicked pleas. "Because of that void my brother is dead." He reminded her. "Does it matter that it just so happens to be that void? No, but she is in fact the void that just so happened to be taken."
"You chose her." Claire said defiantly, her voice never breaking despite Daniel's aggressive expression. "You did it. You killed Josh."
"No!" He yelled loudly causing everyone but me to jump. "Voids killed Josh. Now I'll kill every void I can." He threatened, or promised was more like it.
Leon moved quickly to the other side of the table. With one swift movement he yanked Daniel off of Claire by the collar of his shirt. Claire sat up looking slightly flustered. Daniel looked surprisingly calm after everything that he had just done to someone as nice as Claire. He let out a short laugh at everyone's dazed expressions and turned to go back to his room.
We all stayed frozen for a moment, digesting what just occurred. Suddenly, Claire burst into a fit of coughs. She buried her face in the crook of her elbow as she struggled to hold off coughing long enough to get enough air into her lungs. Her face started to turn redden from the lack of oxygen. Kelsey ran to her side and rubbed her back while she bent over in her seat, trying to catch her breath. Eventually her coughing ceased and she was able to breathe normally again.
I watched as everything unfolded, not caring about what was wrong with Claire or that she had just been attacked by Daniel because she was standing up for me. I wondered for a moment if I should say thank you for her defending me but I decided against it. Why should I thank her? It was stupid of her to think that I cared what Daniel said. I didn't ask her to defend me. It's not my fault Daniel attacked her, or that Josh is dead. Plus, if I did thank her she would know that I was lying. I'm a void, I don't feel gratitude. I don't care. So for that very reason I stayed quite and watched as Kelsey comforted Claire.
Claire's eyes found mine as Kelsey reassured her that everything was okay. Was she expecting me to care? Did she think our "friendship" was strong enough to save me from being a void? Did she think I cared enough about her to overcome the emotionless wall in my mind and feel some kind of remorse or pity for her? What did she want from me? What did she expect? Whatever it was she wouldn't find it from me, not like this at least.
Instead of looking at me like she was disgusted or like I was the worst thing she had ever laid eyes on, she just sighed, as if she had expected me to not give a damn. I couldn't decide if that was any better than her hating me.
"Let's just get to work." Claire said to me, dismissing the entire situation.
I nodded in acceptance.
Claire didn't care that I didn't care. She expected me not to value her as a human being or as a friend. A small part of me knew that the Danny that could feel would be heartbroken, devastated that someone she did care about was fine with being rejected and hurt by her...or by me. I knew that I should want to be a better friend for Claire, but I just didn't care.
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NATO- It's alliances between countries.
Monroe Doctrine- Written by James Monroe after America gained it's independence from England. It states that England shall stay in its hemisphere and America shall stay in its. (Ms. Roberston would be proud.)
Quote is from Hamlet Prince of Denmark by William Shakespear. (P.S is it just my dirty mind or does everyone find the name Shakespear hilarious? Get it... shake spear? Idk, sorry I'll shut up.)
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If you see any flaws in my history let me know, I kind of suck at it. Look how much you're learning about me! You now know I suck at history and math.
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Pic>>>>Wade (James Franco)
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