It's been a month since Rowan tried to kill himself and I had a hard time believing the fact that we both had survived it somehow; things were actually starting to become normal again. I gave my resignation towards the end of the month. Gabriel was quite upset with my decision. I included him in my best friends list, not to mention, a very patient mentor. The guy who made the hardest of tasks seem very easy and though Rowan's hatred towards Gabriel was apparent, I never stopped being his friend. Nina took over my job as soon as I resigned, I was quite happy with that since the job was actually hers to begin with. I was just a last minute replacement, so to speak.
I spent most of my free time with Rowan in his exclusive private ward. The exclusive included a leather couch, a 42 inch flat screen and an attached bath. It looked more like a damn hotel room than a hospital room. No shit!
Rowan's bones were thankfully working great, he could flex his arms and fingers move his legs better. I dropped by right after college to see him, and dropping by after college meant I carried my bag full of notes along which also meant Rowan taking a quick peek at what was being taught. Sucks, I know but you can't throw the 'Don't touch my books' to a boyfriend who'd also been your former teacher and who also happened to be a control freak. It didn't matter that we were in a hospital room nor did fact that he had just sprung out of a very recent death toll.
I drew a graph on the paper, leaning forward, displaying my assets, in hopes of seducing my teacher and turning the boring study session into something naughty. Rowan, being the usual him, refused to take the bait and flipped the channels on the Tv, rewarding me with a occasional scowl. I wrote whatever shit I knew and pushed the paper towards him.
Rowan's temple creased into an irritated thin line, frowning at the paper in his hands and even though my boyfriend was no longer my teacher, I was intimidated by him, by his cold demeanour. Next thing, he tore the paper in half and then into bits, crumbled it into a ball which scored a goal when it hit right inside the little waste basket in the corner of the room, "No matter how many times I explain it to you, it just doesn't get inside your thick skull, does it?"
"I'm trying."
"It isn't good enough, try harder. Do it again. I don't want those mistakes being repeated."
I'm scared of this man.
"Can't we take a break for a minute? I've been studying for two hours straight." I reminded him.
He had a devilish grin on his face, "you want to suck face?"
"Rowan!" I could feel my cheeks start to catch fire.
"Come here, you." He switched off the tv and gave me his full attention, he towered over me even though he sat on the bed. "How much do you love me?"
"Alot would be putting it mildly."
He pulled my face closer to his and pecked my cheek, "Would you leave your family, your friends and everything else behind if that's what it takes?"
"Without a doubt."
He laughed softly; his husky voice gave me goosebumps, "I already gave you a taste of hell, Alana, how much more would you want to sacrifice for my sake?"
"I would do that because you're worth it. All I have is you, Rowan." I analyzed his features for a while, "What if I ask you the same question."
"You already have the answer to it, baby; I would spend my entire life in hell if it means that you'll be with me. I can't live without you. More like this world is a dark place without you. It's a need more than a want. I need you to show me my place every time I lose it."
As usual, he always ruled every part of my heart; I kissed him with every ounce of love inside me. He whispered close to my ear, his breath sent shivers down my body, "You're strong, that goes without a saying but I want you to be stronger. I will make sure I don't repeat my mistakes and we can get through this together like a team but just one promise."
I squeezed his hands in mine, "And what's that?"
"That you'll never give up on me. No matter what."
"I promise."
We stared at each other awkwardly; I quickly brushed a lock of hair off his forehead, caressing his cheekbone with the back of my hand which he kissed tenderly, "Only me?"
"Only you." I said. Rowan interlocked his fingers with mine, pulling me closer. I clasped my arms around his broad shoulders, resting my head on it. I felt a tear soak on my cheek. Where did that come from? I gazed up and noticed Rowan's eyes filled to the brim. He was trying so hard to restrain himself. I asked, "Why are you crying?"
"I'm just so....." he swallowed, "happy."
"I can't tell you how happy it makes me to see you happy." I picked up all the books scattered around his bed and stuffed it all inside my bad, "You're going to be discharged tomorrow right?"
"Yeah."
"I'm so excited." I told him, "I can't wait."
Rowan shrugged, "me too."
"I'll come by in the morning when you're discharged."
"Sure." his firm grip on my hand did not loosen. He blinked.
"Rowan, I'll come tomorrow, baby. What's wrong?" I asked him, "Do you want me to stay back tonight?"
Rowan shook his head earnestly, refusing to make eye-contact, "No, you should get going. I'll see you later." He let go of my fingers slowly.
"Take your meds on time." I told him, "Or I'm going to shove it down your throat if I have to."
"I wouldn't bet on it."
"I trust you would, so I'll be leaving." I slumped the bag on my shoulders; I waved at him and stepped out of the room.
I could hardly wait for the next day; thoughts of what Rowan and I would do preoccupied my mind through the hours. I squeezed the honey Bear to my chest, waiting for the sleep to come and the night to pass.
****
I woke up early the next morning and poured the hot coffee into a thermos that I had prepared for Rowan. I had planned on taking a packed lunch but hadn't found the time to go shop for groceries. Rowan was being discharged from the hospital at 8'o clock. I still had thirty minutes to kill. My classes didn't start until ten-thirty but I had already planned on blowing if off, had Rowan known I was up to cutting class he would have been the first to tie me up and kick my butt into university grounds. My finals were a month away but my books were catching every dust particle on the study table. Rowan being pissed off about me not studying was apparent, what with all the drama in the past month; I barely made a passing mark in the mid-terms.
Twenty minutes later I was walking down the street towards Rowan's hospital. The blue sky merged with a shade of gray, the wind blew in my direction. There were signs of a storm or maybe a heavy rain. Either way, I didn't find the weather very appealing. I was more of a sunshine person and gray clouds did everything but depress me. People ran around finding cover under shops while I continued to walk. Little wet droplets of rain grazed my skin; the redolence of soil entered my nostrils. I was headed straight towards Rowan's ward. On reaching upon my destination; I'd usually see Dwight lingering in the corridors or Mr Masters swapping places with Dwight. It seemed quite strange that none of them were present. I knocked once and pushed the door to Rowan's ward room open, "Hey! Sorry I'm late."
A middle aged man stared at me in confusion. His wife had a similar expression on her face, and then she shot daggers at her husband.
"What?" the man asked his wife, "I don't know her."
Oops! Did I barge into a wrong room? I apologized to the couple, backing out of the door. This was Rowan's idea of acting mature. Forcing me to bore myself over a lecture. What the hell? I was his girlfriend, he always treated me like a damn kid. He told me the day before that he'd be discharged at eight sharp after his routine checkups and I was right on time. I inquired to the nurse about the time Rowan was discharged and she told me he had left at six in the morning.
That man is so fucking dead.
Next stop was Rowan's apartment. It was drizzling by the time I had stepped out of the hospital; I hugged myself as I briskly walked down the almost emptying road. I greeted the nice watchman as I made my way towards the elevator. Once on the ninth floor, I made a beeline towards his apartment door and rang the bell. I kept jabbing it numerous times and got nil response. Rowan should be in his bed, enjoying the comfort of his soft comforter and cushions after a month long of being hospitalized. I retrieved the apartment keys out of my pocket, turned the key and opened the door.
"Rowan." I called out from the foyer.
I hung my messenger bag on the hooks as I removed the coffee thermos out of it. I sauntered into the dinning. The house looked clean and fresh; as if the stuff occurred a month ago never even happened. I resumed to searching his bedroom. Knocked once and when I received no answer I opened it.
Empty.
"Rowan, is this some kind of a joke?"
What are the odds that maybe Dwight drove him to the main house? Well, if he did, why didn't Rowan think it was important to let me know? I could have tagged along. I removed my cellphone and speed dialled his number.
This number is not reachable. Please try again later.
Next, I dialled Dwight's. He answered on the second ring, "Alana."
"If you had already planned on taking Rowan with you, why didn't you think it was important to inform me first?" My anger was blowing up the roof; I'd burned my calories with all the unnecessary walking.
"What are you talking about?" Dwight asked.
"Put Rowan on the phone. I need to talk to him." I said with urgency.
"Rowan is not with me, Alana." Dwight informed me, a pause later he continued, "Wait a second, he didn't tell you?"
"Tell me what?"
Dwight threw a string of curses on the other end of the line, "Sit down first."
"TELL ME, DWIGHT! WHERE IS ROWAN?"
"Okay, I'll cut to the chase. Rowan left for Denmark in the morning. His flight was scheduled at eight."
Before I knew it, the tears began forming in the corner of my eyes, "I'm calling your bluff."
"I'm sorry Alana, but I'm not lying. Rowan needed to do this."
The coffee thermos slipped out of my grasp as it landed on the hard ground with a thud, spilling the coffee on the floor, "Why?"
"He hasn't left the country for vacation in Hawaii, Alana; Rowan will be institutionalized in a private psychiatric asylum in Copenhagen. He will be living there until further notice but I thought you guys had discussed everything. This was planned since the day he woke up from the accident."
"He didn't tell me shit." A void began to spread deep inside me; breathing was suddenly becoming a task. The phone slipped out of my grasp when my eyes traveled to the sealed envelope left on the dresser. Dwight probably hadn't hung up because I heard a soft voice drift from the phone that had landed on the plush carpet. I reached for the envelope; it was a beautiful vintage floral one with a ribbon that held a letter inside.
My Dear Alana
I pulled the pink ribbon with delicate deft hands and removed an equally expensive looking paper out. It was written in Rowan's hand, in his beautiful cursive loops.
Loving you my dear was never a regret..
Though I wonder if there will be a day when you'll forget.
What we shared.
How you cared.
I drowned myself in a never-ending word of gray.
You met me on just another normal day.
Persistent that you always were, baby.
You tried to drag me towards the ray.
Tell me, how am I supposed to repay?
You gave me everything..
And this hollow inside me keeps stretching..
Because baby, in return I gave you nothing...
My angel, my love...the ray of hope I did see..
But the monster that lives, it's not you, it's me.
I could never forgive myself for the lies..
But you never spoke a word when I heard your cries..
My savior, my knight in the shining armour..
My feelings will always remain the same...
Mi amour...
While from a distance, I will always love you...
While from a distance, I will always watch you...
From a monster, you turn me into a man...
I remind myself each day as much as I can...
I pulled you into a world filled with my pain..
All you did was try to pull me back into the world full of sane...
Your love for me was the only thing that mattered...
And look, baby, look at the way I just shattered.....
Holding you close was my personal bliss...
Kissing you, my love, is what I will miss...
There is nothing besides you that I crave...
It will only be you, my baby girl, you're so brave...
I leave you in a domain of Despair...
Since I'm everything, but Damaged Beyond Repair....
I will endeavor the emotions that I lack...
That is when; I intend to get back...
I struggle to make it out of the demon's snare...
Baby, I swear...
There will be nothing for you to bear...
My apologies will never be enough...
Alana, my love, I'm so sorry..
I know you love me and so you worry...
If life treats us fair and square...
Who knows, we might meet somewhere...
Until then baby, au revoir...
Take care...
Yours forever and always.
Rowan.
Everything inside me just blacked out, I picked the red rose that was left next to the letter. I clenched it so hard that the thorns pierced into my skin. I watched the blood drip on the floor, which never got a reaction out of me. What would a little thorn of a Rose do to me anyway? Haven't I already been ripped apart? The emptiness was beginning to spread when the realization dawned. He left..
Rowan left you, Alana. Look where your love led you. You're abandoned again.
Like an operated robot, I walked out of the room and out of the apartment without being quite conscious about my actions. I left the note and the rose in his room. His words from the day before reeled in my head.
You'll never give up on me. No matter what.
Lies. Lies. Lies.
I was soaked in the heavy rain. Half way through the dorms, the horn blared in my ears but I didn't care. I collapsed on the road, a loud sob ripped through my chest.
The man scurried over to help me from the ground. Horns blared in the background. I thought I was going crazy. My patience, my energy and most of all my sanity. It's crazy how Rowan made me feel loved and then pushed me off the cliff with a smile on his face.
How could I be so stupid? How could I even think that I was enough to keep him sane. It had all been my fault.
You already have the answer to it, baby; I would spend my entire life in hell if it means that you'll be with me. I can't live without you. More like this world is a dark place without you. It's a need more than a want. I need you to show me my place every time I lose it.
My fuzzy head was flooded with the previous memory.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
****
A/N: Hey! Hope you guys enjoyed reading this chapter. Please comment telling me your thoughts, and don't forget to vote.