I lay in bed that night completely wired, chewing my lip as unanswered questions poured through my mind. What had happened tonight? The events of the past evening played through my mind like a movie and I wielded the remote, forwarding and rewinding parts over and over. One minute Lucifer and I were completely engrossed with eachother, the next hes telling me what I want and what I should desire.
Desire.
That word irked me, made my skin crawl. It was such a powerful word, one that made could sweep you off your feet and make your head spin. Something that could make you feel like everything in the world was perfect but could also leave you dazed and confused. Desire was a drug that made people lose themselves as they succumbed to its addicting substances; greed, lust, gluttony, and those were only the beginning. But one thing that seemed to make perfect sense was that Lucifer, who seemed to be obsessed with my own desires, was the representation of everything I wanted and everything I was afraid of.
If I gave in to my temptations, what would becme of me? What would Lucifer turn me into? My mind wandered over to the very real possibility that if I gave in and slept with him, that I would be sky high for the hour or so I would have with him. Then, when it was over and he was done with me, I would be left twitching as withdrawl kicked in, and the ugly side effects of desire were all I would be left with. No, I couldnt let that happen, couldnt let myself become a desire junkie. But what would happen if I kept fighting? It was evident that Lucifer's obsession with my desire was not going to leave me, it was all he had been fixated on since the moment I met him. So what wold happen if I never gave in? I shivered as a part of my mind wandered to the very real possibility of him becoming violent, after all he had taken on the identity of the devil, what screamed dangerous more than that? But alongside that fear was a cold dread; a dread that translated could be read as lonliness and pints of ben and jerrys icecream.
If I was being honest with myself I knew how much I desperately wanted to have sex, especially with someone like Lucifer. Someone who could sweep me off my feet, make me feel sexy, someone who could entice me, pleasure me. Someone like Lucifer. However, I wanted that someone to be someone I loved, I knew that for sure. Everyone I knew said that sex wasnt a big thing and I guess in the long run its not, but the first time was something that stayed with you forever, and call me old fashioned, but I didnt want it to be with some loser who would throw me away afterwards. After all they call it making love for a reason, right?
But as I mulled all of this over in my head I couldnt help but wonder if I was overthinking things. Maybe it would be easy to just sleep with Lucifer and walk away, maybe he would stop wondering what I desired. But as the thought passed through my mind a pang of hurt shot me in the chest and I knew for a fact that I didnt want him to stop wondering. It felt nice to be wodnered about. I sighed and rolled over onto my stomch, my face smashed into the pillow.
Whatever I decided would make this thig with Lucifer final, and even though consciously I hadnt made a decision, it seemed as though my subconscience already had. I didnt want to stop seeing Lucifer, although seeing was a loose term at this point as I had only seen him a few times. I wanted him to keep thinking of me, wondering what it was that ran through my mind. I wanted to feel his lips on my skin, tasting and teasing. Just thinking about his hot, needy kisses sent currents of electricity through me, making my lower abdomen ache with a need so strong I could barely contain it. No, avoiding Lucifer seemed out of the question. I had to see him again, that was clear at this point.
The only option left now as far as I could see was waiting this out, seeing him but not going too far, keeping that desire of mine hidden away and out of his reach. Yes, I thought, the only way I can do this on my terms is if I hide this craving deep inside myself. I cannot be tempted by him. I mentally nodded firmly while rolling onto my side to stare out the window. If I wanted to see Lucifer again I would have to make sure that anything that went on between us woud be on my terms, not his.
A small smile touched my lips as the decision lifted an ungodly weight off my chest. My eyes closed as exhaustion started to seep through my body. Tomorrow, I thought, tomorrow I will go see Lucifer again and twll him how this has to go. Thats its my way or the high way.
And as I thought the last part, that ache bloomed up again, reminding me how much I was banking on the 'my way' part of my plan.
* * *
I woke slowly to the feel of something caressing my face, brushing my hair away from it. A warm feeling bloomed up inside of my chest and I smiled softly, still foggy with sleep. A deep chuckle broke through the silence of my room and my eyes sprang open, my body jerkimg as the sound startled me from the half sleep I had still been in. It took a second for my eyes to adjust and come into focus, but once they did I was greeted with a familiar devilish smirk.
"Goodmorning, Lorelai." Lucifer said. I sat up, rubbing my eyes and pulling the covers up to hide my slightly revealing pajamma set. I ran my hands through my hair, pulling it back and away from my face. "What-what are you doing here?" I asked. I watched his eyes flicker from my face down my exposed body and I subtly tried to cover whatever remaining flesh I had out, blushing slightly as I wished I didnt look as I had just woken up. Lucifer met my eyes boldly, sitting up straighter. "I came to apologize for last night. Things didnt seem to go as I hoped they would and I believe I made quite an ass of myself."
My brows raised "you think so?" I couldnt help but leak a little sarcasm into my voice. Even if last night had been partially my fault, storming out like that, Lucifer hadnt exactly acted like a gentleman the entire evening either. He reached out, taking my hand in his and holding it tightly. "My sincerest apologies, love. You just seem to stupify me at times." He shrugged. "If youll let me, Id like to take you out again. Try this thing over, once more." I watched him closely as he spoke; he seemed earnest about what he wanted and I reminded myself about what I had decided last night. I took a deep breath and nodded slowly. "I would like that," I started. Lucifer started to grin but I raised a hand to stop him from speaking as I continued. "However, I have a few...conditions."
"Oh?" He rose a brow questioningly, tipping his head slightly to one side. Nerves buzzed through me as my confidance seemed to dwindle slightly as I looked at him. His confidance seeped from him and I couldnt help but feel slightly intimidated by it. "I-I cant continue seeing you if you keep bugging me about this whole desire thing. I dont want to have to worry about you trying to seduce me every five minutes." Lucifer frowned, his thumb absentmindidly tracing over the back of my hand. "You dont like seduction?"
I bit my lip, deciding whether or not to answer. If I kept following this line of questioning I would have to tell him I had never actually had sex before..."Its not that...I just..." My eyes fell away from his face and I stared at my hands. Lucifer reached out to lift my chin with his finger tip, looking at me earnestly. "What is it, love? I want to understand whats going on in that head of yours, but I cant if you wont tell me." My teeth knawed on my bottom lip in contemplation and before I could lose my nerve I quickly blurted it out. "Im still a virgin, Lucifer."
In all my years, and there werent that many of them to begin with, I had never seen so many emotions play across one mans face before. Lucifer dropped my hands as if they were on fire. I frowned as the action stung a little, but watched as compte and utter shock filled his features. He went from shocked to confused to angry in less than a minute, all the while staring into my eyes and keeping me locked in place. But only with brief flashes of emotions I couldnt decipher. "Youre still a virgin?" He whispered incredulously. I nodded, nerves running through me. He doesnt seem too happy about this...
Lucifer stood up suddenly, hands running through his hair as he took two steps away from me. "Bloody hell!" He cursed before whirling around on me, suddenly. "Im the devil for crying out loud! Im supposed to let your inner desires run wild and here you are telling me you cant sleep with me because youre a virgin!?" He phrased his response as a question, almost as if he was triple checking to see if what he was hearing was right. I sat motionless, letting him have his little hissy fit as I silently simmered. How dare he get angry about this! Just because he isnt used to hearing no doesnt mean he needs to get upset about it!
"Why, why do you not want to have sex?" He sat back down on the bed, almost pleading with me to show him the light. Give him a justifiable answer that account for such an atrocity.
But I didnt have such an answer.
"I wanted to be in love with the person I slept with for the first time." I whispered, my cheeks heating and my eyes desperately wanting to look away from his but unable to do so. I watched as Licifer's face fell slightly, disappointment shining in his eyes before he hardened up, pressing his lips into a firm line. "Im the devil, love. I dont fall in love. There is no such thing."
"I wasnt asking you to fall in love with me," I frowned, desperately trying to ignore the hurt in my chest, "I was just answering your question, Lucifer." His dark eyes searched mine for a moment, the only sound arund us was our breathing. I watched as Lucifers eyes slowly softened. I wished then that I could know what he was thinking, what was running through his mind. Especially when he reached up to caress my face, murmuring soft words that made me shiver. "I cant understand why Im so attracted to you."
"Thanks." I said bitterly. He shook his head and grabbed my face in both his hands, softly. "You dont understand. Youre the exact opposite of what I look for in a woman, yet you still have me coming back to you." His eyes narrowed slightly in confusion as he wondered silently why this could be. I shrugged, not speaking. I was afraid to say anything, as I knew that this would most likely be the last time I saw him. "I should probably leave." He said, watching me. My heart sank and I reached up to move his hands from my face, opening my mouth to speak but him beating me to the punch. "However, Ive decided to make it my mission to change your mind. I know you desire me and I want to have you."
My eyes widened as a delicious shiver spread through my lower abdomen. My mouth fell open slightly. He isnt walking away? And although I didnt think I could change my mind about this, a small part of me was relieved I fascinated him enough to keep him coming back. He wants me, I thought, he wants to have me. I couldnt help but smirk and shake my head. "I dont think youll be able to change my mind." I said. Lucifer smirked, "oh love, you obviously dont know how resourceful I am." His hands slid from my face down my back, pulling me closer to him as he whispered in my ear. "I have some tricks I know youll like."
I bit my lip as he kissed below my ear and smiled shuy as he pulled back to look at me. "Good luck with that." Lucifer grinned and caressed my face again. It seemed so odd for him to be in my dorm, a novelty for me. I frowned then, realizing a little late that he had gotten into my dorm. "How did you even get in here?" I asked. He shrugged, "the other one let me in, not that I needed her to unlock the door..." My eyebrows raised, "the other one? You mean Jade?" I wasnt even going to ask what he meant about not needing her to unlock the door. That could wait. Lucifer rolled his eyes, "whatever her name is. She didnt even ask why I was here, just let me come in here. Then left." He sounded both apalled and pleased at the same time and I exhaled slowly, shaking my head.
It seemed like there was still a lot I didnt know about the devil.