I am really sorry that you guys had t wait so long for this update. Terribly sorry.
If you guys have me on snapchat, you would know why I was inactive on this site but those of you who don't, I'll explain here. Apart from work and school taking most of my time, these past few months, my mother was in the hospital. She had gotten a brain aneurysm where two arteries split in her brain causing blood to pool in her skull. She had a minor stroke and my dad quickly took her to the hospital where the doctor told us of what happened. The next few days, my mother underwent a brain surgery where thankfully, it was a successful surgery. The doctors had to put her in a coma for her brain to heal itself and not have us overwhelm her. It would be bad for her if she processed her surroundings so quickly after a surgery. She was put into Intense Critical Unit where she spent almost a month there with attentive nurses at her side. I went to visit my mother directly after work and stayed there the whole day, not caring that I got little sleep. Seeing my mother with tubes injecting into her skin made me almost break down then and there. I couldn't even say hi to her sleeping self because I was already choking on tears. Coming home where I didn't hear her laugh was depressing on my family. My dad hardly slept because he didn't have her sleeping next to him. My siblings and I were distant from one another. We had gone through this before when my mother was diagnosed with cancer but this time, my little sister knew what was going on. Writing was nowhere close to my mind when all of this was going on. I couldn't be by myself for a moment because I would start crying. I hated those few months.
Thankfully, my mother woke up from her coma and slowly she was progressing. She went to therapy and her mind and brain was healing far better. She sometimes got confused but it was normal due to her surgery. She's home now and my house is more livelier than before. I know I wasn't well into detail but I don't want to remind myself of that. I'm not fully used to what happened yet and telling someone either online or in person, it still brings me to tears. But my mother is a warrior goddess and continues to be strong.
Thank you for understanding and for your never ending support, my padawans. I really appreciate all of you. I love every single one of you <3
Now let's get to this new chapter ;D
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Hate Me, Love Me:
Chapter Twenty-Four: When Heaven Felt so Sinful
I should be strong.
I shouldn't let her affect me this much. She hurt me. I should push her away from me and show her that I won't let myself become weak in the knees anymore. I need to have a backbone. I need to put my foot down and show everyone that I'm tired of being walked upon...
But the way her lips moved against mine – so dominating as if she's trying to prove either herself or me that I'm not going to be taken away by another. She said I was hers but the memory of her kissing another said otherwise. Her body against mine felt good. Oh, god, so good. How her hands that once cupped my face traveled down to my waist. One of them slid underneath my shirt. Her warm skin made mine tingle from such an innocent touch that it felt strange coming from Kat. I saw her as a lioness – primal and dominate with her stance and walk. Those amber eyes can silence many yet they made me feel shivers of delight run down my spine. I wasn't afraid of Kat Blacksmith (maybe a little) but when she's around...I felt safe. She was an aura of protection that surrounded me, keeping any negative thoughts about Josh away.
However, Kat was a bizarre person. One minute she showed her interest in me and then she becomes cold and distant. I was dealing with someone who had serious mood swings. That's why I couldn't quite understand why she was kissing me. I have not seen her for a few weeks. The times I did, she acted as if I was another face in the crowd. Someone who didn't interested her yet here she was kissing me. I didn't understand. I don't think I ever will.
As I felt her hand slide further up, I stiffened and quickly pulled back, looking at this tattooed goddess who's half-lidded eyes were filled with desire filling them. Her full lips were bruised from our recent make-out session. I didn't doubt that my lips were the same.
She raised an eyebrow, a confused expression on her face.
"No," I said, my voice cracking and I winced. I wanted to sound stern not like a wounded animal.
"No?" She echoed, narrowing her eyes. "What do you mean 'no'?"
"I meant, no. N-O. I am not going to let you kiss me whenever you want. I'm not some...plaything for you. I'm a person who has feelings and dignity to not stoop so low for you to suddenly appear whenever you want showing any interest in me. You know my feelings, Kat, at least have the audacity to lightly reject them –"
"Mabel –"
"I'm not done!" I snapped, my hands curling into fists. My chest heaved as I felt all the emotions from that night suddenly come rushing forth. Not only that night but from all the times that I've been pushed around by others who treated me badly yet there I was, forgiving them as if it was nothing. And sadly, I was directing it all at her. "I saw you kiss that woman at your party. Don't lie and say that you were drunk because that's bullshit."
Kat's eyes widened before her lips spread into a smirk, an amusement glint flashing her eyes.
"It's not funny!" I cried out, glaring at her.
She chuckled, raising her hands up in the air. "I'm not laughing –"
"Yes, you are! I'm being serious, Kat. I get it, okay? You have a teenager falling for you and the easy way out to get rid of me is to hook up with someone else so you don't have to break the news face to face. I get it...but just so you know, that option sucks. Big time."
"I wasn't really going for that option, though," she said, taking a step closer to me.
My heart was slowly plummeting to the ground, "W-what? What option were you going for?"
Oh god, was she going to tell me she doesn't like me anymore right now? I wasn't prepared for this. Is this how break-ups are? Technically, Kat and I weren't a couple. My cheeks heated at the very thought of us being a couple. Would we be like those couples I've seen in movies? So devoted with each other and spent every day as if it's our honeymoon stage?
I heard Kat sigh heavily as she went back to her bed and sat, running her hand over her face. "I...I'm trying to keep you safe, Mabel."
"What do you mean? I am safe."
"No, you're not," her eyes narrowed. "Ace...knows about you. He knows what you mean to me, Mabel. He basically warned me if I'm seen with you, he'll hurt you. He thinks you'd be my downfall. I'm his prize possession and he doesn't want nothing to stand in the way from him getting his earnings from my fights. That night at the party...when you saw me with that other woman, Ace was there. He was watching my every move and when he discovered you came to the party with Riley and Evie, he had his men watching me. He wanted me to fuck up and see me with you and finally make his move and have me watch you get tortured by him. I know that man my whole life and I know what he's capable of. I don't want you to get hurt, Mabel, I really don't. It would kill me if you did. So, I did the most high school shit to do and kissed Selene. Afterwards, I got my ass handed to me by Riley and Evie but I couldn't do anything. I couldn't search for you because Ace was there as some kind of fucking shadow. You need to understand, Mabel, I never truly wanted to hurt you. I should have pulled you aside when Ace and his goons weren't shadowing my every move and warn you. Those days where you would see me picking up Riley from school and leaving your brother's shop, I was always surrounded by Ace's men. I doubt Ace would let me breathe until you're out of my life."
Kat chuckled darkly as she walked back to her bed and sat down, dropping her head into her hands.
"So, basically, we're like Romeo and Juliet except your family – in this case, Ace – would actually kill me and not by my own hand of a broken heart?" I muttered, sitting next to her.
I watched the way her strong shoulders shake and something I've never heard spill out of her mouth. Kat Blacksmith was laughing. It wasn't a husky chuckle or a musing smirk. She was actually laughing. It was a cute laugh where it still held a beautiful innocence untainted by the cruel reality of her world. I smiled as she let herself be carefree and took that moment in because I don't really know when I would experience another.
After another chortles of laughter, Kat calmed down and sighed heavily, grabbing my hand in hers. We both watched the way our fingers intertwined. An involuntary smile tugged at my lips seeing the way our hands looked. My small hand in hers.
"I'm not going to let Ace hurt you," she vowed, her grip tightening around mine. "No one for that matter. Not even Josh," she growled out his name with distaste.
My body stiffened at the mention of his name and she quickly noticed it.
"Mabel," her voice was thick with a well-kept anger, "did he hurt you?"
I could still feel his foot kicking my stomach and stomping on my wrist. The way his hand wrapped itself around my throat, a warning in his grip and voice. I had the urge to cradle my hand to my chest but I couldn't. The very same hand was held by Kat.
"Mabel," she warned.
I cleared my throat before I whispered, "There was an incident where he...threatened me. The day you paid him a visit, he had to spend the day in the hospital and was unable to be at his game where recruits were there scouting. He blames you and wanted revenge. The last thing he told me was that he had a plan and I was a part of it in bringing you down. Afterwards, he threw me to the floor where he kicked me and stepped on my wrist."
"That son of a bitch," she growled and began to pace around her room, gripping her hair. "I'm going to kill that fucker –"
"That's what he wants," I reasoned with her, hoping she would listen. "He wants you to get out of line. You may use violence to get back at him but he would use the law to get you behind bars. You literally beaten a minor, Kat, and that would put you in serious trouble if there was proof for him to show to the police. I don't think Riley would want you to be taken away just like your father was."
She stopped her pacing and stared at me with a locked jaw. Her amber eyes flamed with a rage that I was surprised she didn't lash out but she stayed composed.
"I don't want you to be taken away," I admitted, looking down at my hands as I played with the hem of my shirt.
I heard a soft chuckle coming from her and saw her black boots appear in front of mine. I could smell that familiar scent of lavender and cigarettes coming from her. The very smell that has been imprinted in my mind. Her hand gripped my chin and made me look up to the amber eyes where they twinkled with amusement and a hidden desire for only me to see.
"I would fight my way back to you if I was," she smiled warmly before she kissed my forehead. "Plus, I wanna have a homerun with you before I am ever taken away."
I arched an eyebrow at her, confused as to why she would use a baseball reference. We were talking about the consequences of her beating Josh not baseball. Was she even listening to me?
Kat saw my confusion and suddenly threw her head back in laughter.
Again, I was even more mesmerized by her.
"What?" I peeved, crossing my arms over my chest as I glared at her.
"Oh, Mabel, have you already forgotten what I told you before?" She chuckled, her amber eyes lazily looking me over before they stared into mine.
"About what?"
"If I am ever taken away from you, I want to be able to have the chance to make love to you," she smirked, dragging her thumb across my bottom lip.
Suddenly, my cheeks flamed as I began to stutter like crazy.
Oh, God, Kat wants to make love to me!
She chuckled at my reaction, "You're so fucking cute."
I gaped at her, still speechless. Say something you idiot! Flirt back! But no words came out of my mouth.
The sound of Evie calling my name from downstairs snapped me out of it and I quickly walked towards the door. My cheeks still flames and my heart hammering in my chest. I was about to turn the knob when Kat's last words made me run out of her bedroom and down the stairs, unable to keep my heart under control as well as my blushing face.
"And after that, I can't wait to fuck you like I've always been dreaming."
Oh, Kat is going to be the death of me.
~*~*~
The next day, I still blushed at the memory of Kat and her crass words. My fingertips tingled at the thought of my hands touching her inked skin. The kisses we would share. The excitement that would be coursing through my veins, accelerating my heart at the scene playing in my head with Kat hovering above me and using those talented hands on me. How her full lips would pull into a smirk as those amber eyes filled with a fiery lust. Her words resonated in my head since last night making me dream such explicit fantasies that made me –
"...need help?"
I snapped myself from my thoughts and looked at the elderly lady who placed a few empty flowerpots onto the shelf. Her kind eyes crinkled at the ends as she wiped her small hands onto her apron. Her smile never faltered as she nodded at the flowers in front of me, reminding me where I was.
"I'm sorry, I was lost in my head," I blushed, embarrassed.
Her warm laugh brought more life to her shop, giving more light to these flowers surrounding us. "It's all right, dear, we all get lost in our heads every once in a while. These Crocuses are very vibrant in color along with the Marigolds, Petunias, and Lilies," she pointed at each flower that held such vivid colors from oranges, blues, reds, violets, and yellows.
My lips twitched into a small smile as I lightly touched the petals of the orange Marigold. Its soft texture underneath my fingertips reminded me of my mother's touch.
"Any particular flower you're looking for?" The woman, whose nametag read Jan, smiled at me again.
"Do you have any carnations and bergenias by any chance?"
"Oh, yes, I actually have them in the garden outside. Those particular flowers along with others need a lot of sunlight. Would you like a bouquet of those two kinds?"
I nodded, "Yes, please."
"Then, I'll be right back," Jan smiled and headed towards the back garden, a small skip to her step.
I went back to browsing the beautiful flowers decorating the shop. Lightly touching a few here and there. Jan's Flowers was my mother's favorite place to come. My mother loved flowers and when she was still alive, she would come home from work with a new type of flower and quickly head to her garden in our backyard and planted it. She loved her flowers as if they were her children. There were times I would help her take the weeds out of her garden and a few pests. I remembered the last time I saw her at her garden. It was a Saturday afternoon. She wore pastel blue high waters with a light peach colored blouse. Her sun hat covering most of her beautiful brown hair. She was humming a soft tune as she dug a hole in between her alliums and azaleas. That Saturday, my father had gone his way to buy her a new addition for her garden – a California poppy bouquet.
My mother squealed in joy as she peppered his face with kisses as she ran with the bouquet to her garden and quickly got to work. Her teal gloves were being covered with dirt just like her knees but I knew she didn't care. I walked towards her and knelt down beside her, watching her make a perfect hole before she tenderly took out the poppies, grabbing the base with care before placing it inside the hole.
"Why are you so in love with flowers, Mom?" I asked her, the question itched at the back of my head ever since I saw her growing her garden.
"Flowers need help to grow, Mabel," she had said, sweeping dirt back into the hole with her hands. "They need care and love. In order to bloom, they need that support from the sun, the soil, and water. Your grandmother taught me how to care for these flowers; with gentleness, devotion, and passion. She once told me that flowers are like people. You need to take care of yourself with the same gentleness, devotion, and passion for yourself in order to bloom within this world. We live in a world where many things would try to stop us from blooming and we have to have enough love and strength to get past it. Flowers are fragile like people but with a strong stem, they can withstand anything." She looked up at me and her pale blue eyes twinkled, "You're going to come across people who are like wilting flowers you see – neglected and calling out for light. Give them the care and love to help them restore themselves to bloom once again."
She squeezed my hand for a moment before wiping her gloved hand on my jeans, a cheeky grin on her face before going back to her flowers.
I missed my parents so much. I missed their smiles and quirky laughter. I missed the smell of flowers in the house. I missed my father's rowdy cheers for his favorite football team. I missed coming across my parents slow dancing in the kitchen to the rhythm of blues music. I knew Ivan missed them too. The house was too quiet and it still felt strange having it so...empty. Life was cruel when in any moment, the people you love are taken away from you. I could fall back into the abyss of sorrow and depression again but I knew my parents wouldn't want that. They want me to be strong and achieve my goals for a brighter future.
As I stared at the lilac colored azalea, the thought to plant flowers for my mother's garden appeared in my head which made me smile. My vision getting blurry with tears as I faintly touched the beautiful flower.
I'm going to make your garden bloom again, Mom, I promised.
The sound of the bell above the door chimed, alerting another customer. I looked away from the flower towards the newcomer. She was a stunning, tall woman with a curvy figure. She wore black capris pants with a blue tank top that was tucked into her pants. Her dark red hair was pulled up into a bun showing her sharp features on her face. She repositioned her expensive-looking purse on her shoulder; dark amber eyes looked around the shop, searching for something. Perhaps her favorite flowers or Jan who was now returning with a bouquet of carnations and bergenias.
"Here you go, sweetie," Jan smiled as she placed the bouquet on the counter and rang me up.
I took out the money Ivan gave me to buy these flowers and gave her the money. Jan didn't notice the other woman until said woman hummed softly. Both Jan and I turned to look at her and for some reason, I was frozen where I stood. The woman was gazing at the roses and lilies, slightly bending down to smell them. The moment when she looked up and those dark amber eyes met mine, I felt like I was staring at a familiar face. The sharp cheekbones, the cupid's bow that was so well-defined, and the same arch of her right eyebrow reminded me of –
"Would you like a message for your flowers, dear?" Jan asked, snapping my attention back to her.
"N-no, it's okay. Thank you," I grabbed the bouquet and headed towards the exit but the woman who was admiring the roses and lilies stopped me.
"Those are some beautiful flowers," her voice was light and melodic like her humming. "Are they for your mother?"
"Yes," I murmured, looking down at the bouquet and smiled. "My mother's favorite flowers. They were the flowers my father gave her on their first date."
The woman gushed, "Oh, that's so romantic. Your mother would fall over the moon for him all over again."
"She always did." I gave her a smile and a last thank you to Jan before I exited the shop.
I saw Ivan perched at his car, talking with David who was standing on his skateboard. I quickly headed towards them and watched Ivan glanced towards me before looking down at the bouquet I carried. A sad smile appeared on his face before his brown eyes flickered towards mine. He was still hurting from their deaths. It would be a long time until he's able to look at flowers the same again. Every flower reminded him of our mother. Every football game reminded of our father. So many memories, so much sorrow.
"Ready?" He smiled, his voice cracking a little bit.
I nodded and quickly got into his car, waving goodbye to David,
This Sunday felt strange. Having it be my mother's birthday. I still wasn't used to visiting my parents at the cemetery. I wasn't used to not hearing their voices. Sure, there are videos in my phone and home movies of my parents but it wasn't the same. I couldn't give them another hug or kiss on the cheek. I couldn't smell the sweet scent of my mother's favorite perfume from Chanel or hear my father's contagious belly laugh echo through the house. I smiled fondly at those memories and took a whiff of those beautiful flowers.
Ivan hopped inside the car after waving goodbye to David and started the car. Punk music played softly in the car, keeping the silence less grieving. As Ivan was pulling away from the curb, he glanced at the rearview mirror for a split second but looked again with shock written across his face.
"No fucking way," he muttered, putting the car in park before quickly getting out of the car.
Confused, I followed suit and watched Ivan slowly come to a stop in the middle of the sidewalk. He was staring at the very same woman that was in the flower shop. The woman with those dark amber eyes. The woman who was looking through a store window that had a display of baby clothes. I went to stand next to Ivan, gazing at the woman, not understanding why Ivan was staring at her. Was she from his past? She couldn't be. The woman was far older than Ivan, probably in her early to mid 40's.
"Ivan," I looked up at my brother who kept gawking at the woman with shock and worry. "Why are you staring at that woman? Do you know her?"
Ivan slowly nodded his head, never taking his eyes away from her. He didn't answer my question was to why he staring at her. It was starting to weird me out. Who was this lady?
"Well...who is she, Ivan?"
A few minutes later, my brother tore his gaze away from that woman, pushing me back to the car. "Get in the car, Mabel," was all he said as he quickly got into the driver's side.
"Aren't you going to tell me who that woman is?" I demanded, closing the door after me. I gripped the bouquet to my chest tightly as Ivan sped onto the street, burning tires behind him. "Ivan!"
"We need to get home," he said, making sharp turns and cutting in front of people.
He was scaring me with this vagueness on who the woman was and why she was making him act like this. He didn't say anything after that. Visiting our parents would have to be postponed to a later time. That thought saddened my heart as I glanced down at the bouquet. It was less than ten minutes when we got to our house. Ivan got out of the car as fast as possible, slamming his door in the process, before running to the house. I followed him inside to where he pacing in the living room, already talking on the phone in exasperation.
He grabbed his hair, frustrated, trying to explain to whoever he spoke with about whatever that made him this agitated. "Listen to me, I know who I saw! I'm not seeing shit!"
"Ivan...?" I sat down on the couch, hugging the bouquet. "What's going on?"
He glanced at me for a brief moment before glaring at the floor as he listened to the other person. "Please, listen to me. She's. Here." Ivan growled, gripping his hair tighter in his fist. "For fuck's sake. Dolores is here!"
Dolores?
Who was Dolores? Was she the woman from the flower shop?
Why was it so wrong for her to be here?
With the way Ivan was acting, I didn't know how bad it was going to be that this Dolores woman is here.
"Shit is going to hit the fan when she finds out," Ivan sighed deeply, collapsing onto the chair.
Nobody knew how hard it was going to hit until the day it did.