Chapter 18
When everyone returned home I was still sat on the couch. Lost in thought. Harry had disappeared to his room while I was left to dwell on what happened. That was the most amazing feeling ever. That kiss was the highlight of my life as pathetic as it is. A electric tingle ran through my body just thinking about it. My fingers subconsciously skimmed across my lips again. Harry returned to the living room at the sound of them entering the cabin. He didn't even look at me as he passed. Great. I got up from the couch and followed behind him to his family. They were all shrugging off their coats and shaking snow out of their hair.
"Woo, it's really coming down out there," Anne says shivering. I noticed the bags on the floor piled with lights and other festivities.
"So what are we doing first?" Gemma asks.
"Well, lets start by putting up these lights," Anne says after thinking for a second.
"I'll put them up in the living room," I volunteer. Anne smiles warmly at me and hands me blue Christmas lights to put up. I dug through the bag and found some hooks made specifically for this reason and headed to the living room. I looked up realizing I couldn't reach the places I had to hang them up.
"Here," I heard a voice say behind me. I turned to find Harry holding out a stool. I took it meeting his eyes for a few seconds and we seemed frozen. I quickly left his gaze and he did the same. He disappeared through the doorway to wherever and I ran my fingers across my lips again. They tingled again and I wanted to run after Harry and kiss him again, but I don't know what's on his mind. Did he mean what he said? I tried to get it out of my head while I put the lights up, but it was all I could think about. The way he held my face and the way his lips moved against mine. The way his lips tasted like strawberries and it was heavenly. The way it felt with his hand wrapped in my hair and the way our bodies were so close. I stopped working for the moment trying to gather my thoughts. I put my head in my hands and just tried to breathe deeply. I don't know if I could handle it if Harry didn't mean what he said. I couldn't stand the thought of him being so close but so far.When everyone returned home I was still sat on the couch. Lost in thought. Harry had disappeared to his room while I was left to dwell on what happened. That was the most amazing feeling ever. That kiss was the highlight of my life as pathetic as it is. A electric tingle ran through my body just thinking about it. My fingers subconsciously skimmed across my lips again. Harry returned to the living room at the sound of them entering the cabin. He didn't even look at me as he passed. Great. I got up from the couch and followed behind him to his family. They were all shrugging off their coats and shaking snow out of their hair.
"Woo, it's really coming down out there," Anne says shivering. I noticed the bags on the floor piled with lights and other festivities.
"So what are we doing first?" Gemma asks.
"Well, lets start by putting up these lights," Anne says after thinking for a second.
"I'll put them up in the living room," I volunteer. Anne smiles warmly at me and hands me blue Christmas lights to put up. I dug through the bag and found some hooks made specifically for this reason and headed to the living room. I looked up realizing I couldn't reach the places I had to hang them up.
"Here," I heard a voice say behind me. I turned to find Harry holding out a stool. I took it meeting his eyes for a few seconds and we seemed frozen. I quickly left his gaze and he did the same. He disappeared through the doorway to wherever and I ran my fingers across my lips again. They tingled again and I wanted to run after Harry and kiss him again, but I don't know what's on his mind. Did he mean what he said? I tried to get it out of my head while I put the lights up, but it was all I could think about. The way he held my face and the way his lips moved against mine. The way his lips tasted like strawberries and it was heavenly. The way it felt with his hand wrapped in my hair and the way our bodies were so close. I stopped working for the moment trying to gather my thoughts. I put my head in my hands and just tried to breathe deeply. I don't know if I could handle it if Harry didn't mean what he said. I couldn't stand the thought of him being so close but so far.
"Are you okay?" a female's voice asked from behind.
"Yeah," I said sucking in a breath and removing my hands from my face.
"It's my brother isn't it," Gemma asked.
I turned to look at her.
"How'd you know?" I asked with a with a light chuckle.
"It's always him," she replied coming closer.
"Yeah. Most the time," I said turning and sitting on the first step of the stool.
"You wanna talk about it?" Gemma asked taking a seat on the couch.
"Not really," I told her honestly.
"I understand," she said and it got quiet for a second, both of us lost in thought.
"Don't give up on him," she says suddenly. I look over at her and she's staring at me with a look of desperation.
"He'll be worth it in the end," she tells me.
"That's the worst part. I couldn't give up on him if I tried. He'd have to leave me first," I tell her quietly.
She gets up and comes over and gives me a hug. It's suddenly all too much and I feel like crying. I don't want to just break down in front of Gemma on account that I just met her yesterday, but a few tears slip out. Then a few more and she hugs me tighter. I try to take in shaky breaths but the tears keep coming. Gemma rubs my back in a comforting way and lays her head on my shoulder. Who knew Harry could come from such a wonderful family.
"Oh my, Harper are you okay?" I hear Anne's voice call from the doorway. I look up to find her there with Harry and Robin. Gemma and I break apart and I try to get myself together. I quickly wipe at the tears and give her my best smile.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I just need a moment," I say walking over. I pushed past Harry in the doorway, but he grabbed my wrist. I couldn't deal with him right now so I pulled away and kept walking without looking back at him. I ran to the bathroom once he couldn't see me anymore and locked the door behind me. I gripped on to the sink so hard my knuckles were turning white and I was breathing like I had just run a marathon. I was trying to gather myself and I hoped Gemma could come up with a good enough excuse as to why I was crying. I looked up into the mirror above the sink and took a good long look at myself. My eyes were a bit red but at least they weren't swollen. I sighed and turned on the cold water. I let it run for a minuet before splashing some on my face trying to cool down. After I had done that I reached for the towel on the rack, but the cabinet next to it caught my eye. I stopped and stared at it for a moment. It was a medicine cabinet. No, I'm not about to do anything stupid....just taking a trip down memory lane. I would never do something so stupid again. Ever. It wasn't worth it this time around and I knew that. I snapped out of it and wiped my hands off slowly, not really wanting to go back out there. As I exited the bathroom door I was already thinking up excuses about why I was crying in case Gemma hadn't. I didn't mean to start crying. Gemma was just being so nice and all of this wishy washy back and forth business with Harry was really starting to get to me. He's interested, he's not, he wants to be this guy for me, this perfect guy, but then he's ignoring me. What sick game does he think he's playing? If he's trying to mess with my head it's working and I can't take much more of it.
I stepped through the doorway into the living area. Harry's family was surrounding the bits and pieces of the Christmas tree that were spread randomly in the floor.
"Hey Harper?" Anne asked once she saw I had returned. I expected a question about why I had been upset or something of the sort, but she just seemed to drop it. She just let it go.
'Will you help me put this together?" she asked. I nodded appreciating the distraction. Everyone in the room actually seemed to have forgotten it. Everyone except Harry who was staring me down right now. I tried to ignore it, but finally it was starting to irritate me. I wasn't happy with him right now anyway. I don't know who he thinks he is. Getting my hopes up then breaking my heart. I was sick of it. I looked up at him shrugging wildly and raising my eyebrows as if to say "What?!" He didn't respond or look away. He just kept his eyes trained on me and I ended up being the first one to look away.
Anne and I worked until we couldn't reach the places to hook the branched in anymore. She called Harry over and I tensed as he neared. He finally took his eyes off of me so he could put the rest of the tree together, his height being and advantage. It was my turn to watch him this time. Anne went off somewhere and Robin and Gemma had been working on the rooms leaving Harry and I alone. I'm not really sure how I felt about that. Harry had finished the tree all to quickly. He turned around and our eyes locked. We stayed a safe distance away from each other. Though I craved to have his lips on mine again, I needed to know what he wanted. If this didn't mean anything to him then it wasn't worth the heartbreak. We stood eyes trained on each other in the silence for a good 4 minutes.
"Are you just going to stare at me?" Harry finally said.
"Are you just going to stare at me?" I fired back.
He got quiet after that.
"We should talk about it," I said.
"Talk about what?" he asked playing dumb and crossing his arms over his chest.
"Oh, so you're just going to pretend it never happened," I asked, but it came out as a statement.
"That's my plan," he said with a carless shrug.
"You're unbelievable," I scoffed.
"What do you want from me, Harper?" he question. Something in his voice changing. It was quite obvious he wanted to forget the whole thing.
"I want you to tell me how you feel. Tell me if you mean what you said. Tell why what just happened, happened, Harry," I told him throwing my arms out exasperated.
"I feel like we should forget it ever happened. It was stupid and impulsive. It didn't mean anything," he said. His words were like stone and his gaze was even colder. My heart broke and my chest ached at his words. He was lying was the only thing going through my mind right now, but there was no way to prove that. I had no idea if he was lying or not. I couldn't begin to tell you how much I wish he was, but there was no proof.
"Fine," I said matching my tone to his. "We'll forget about it. But Harry, just know you can't push everybody away. You're going to end up all alone and I know you don't want that. Stop pretending like you don't care about anyone or anything and get it together. The you that you are when you're all alone is the real you and you know it. Harry, you can't be two people. And you've got this great family and you've got great friends. I have a shit family and three friends. Three, Harry. Three! So, how dare you act like you don't care about anything when you have no excuse. You're smart and charming and funny and caring. Why would you want to be this asshole? Harry this isn't high school anymore! Nobody that matters to you is going to judge you anymore! I'm so sick of you being one person one minute and another the next! I swear if I didn't lo-" I cut myself off mid rant. I couldn't say that to him. He could never know that I felt that strongly about him. I shook my head and took a deep breath.
"I'm so done," I said lowly. My voice crack and I could feel the tightening in my throat, but I had already cried once today. I wasn't about to do it again. Harry's facial expression now held hurt, and all I could think was good.
"What do you mean you're done?" Harry asked urgently.
"I mean I'm done. I give up." Once the words were out of my mouth Harry's face twisted into something like horror.
I didn't give him time to respond. I turned on my heel and walked over to the tree sliding out the ornaments. Harry followed me over and I tried to move away but he grabbed me before I could get out of his reach. His pulled me to him and wouldn't let me go.
"You can't say that to me," he all but whispered.
"I can say whatever I want to," I told him sternly. I didn't wiggle or try to get out of his grasp like I know I should have. It felt too good to be this close him.
"I don't know how to be the guy you want me to be," Harry told me eyes filled with a sadness that broke my heart.
"I don't want you to be anyone but yourself," I told him softening my tone and reaching up to caress his cheekbone with my thumb.
"I don't know who that is anymore," he replied grabbing my hand in his and holding them both against his face. His other hand moved to my waist pulling me closer.
"Yes, you do. You're just scared of him. He tends to be the one that gets his feelings hurt," I told him looking up into his big emerald eyes.
"I haven't been myself in a long time, Harper," he said leaning in closer.
"I know, Harry. I haven't either. Maybe it's something we could work on together," I offered. It was true. I hadn't been myself ever since everything went down. I was a lot more bubbly and optimistic about things back then. I miss her. I miss me.
"I like the sound of that. Together," he repeated a small smile filling his face. I was pleased to find his dimple when he did.
"Yeah. Me too."