WHAT was that old saying about a watched kettle never boiling?
Sarah was starting to think it also applied to babies – yes her bump was growing steadily and the doctor was pleased with her progress but four weeks dragged, she was 18 weeks and it felt like she'd been pregnant for years without anything to show for it.
The problem was, you couldn't have the big all seeing scan until 18 weeks. So the four weeks from 14 to that magical number had moved at snail's pace, until she was starting to believe she'd never see Bean face to face, starting to believe she was just getting fatter and fatter with no baby in sight. She'd obviously swallowed a balloon that was slowly inflating and not put a bun in the oven at all.
She was getting bigger, now she just wanted to see why; who was in there, what the fuss was all about and most importantly if this little individual was healthy? It felt healthy – she'd started to feel distinctive movements now, it was becoming real. Not real enough to start buying things for, no that was tempting fate, but it was all real enough.
Sarah wasn't the most patient of women at the best of time and this wasn't a Christmas gift you could secretly unwrap early (which she'd been caught doing on numerous occasions), or a book that you could flip to the end of. Everything had to be done in an order and she had to wait.
She just hadn't expected it to take so long to get to this point. At 35 life had started to speed up and she's started to say things like "where did the year go" – like people from the older generation had when she was young. She'd laughed then like young people do but it had been happening to her. Though now she'd discovered a way to slow things down – pregnancy.
So it was almost a shock to be here finally; belly bared, cold gel smeared across her skin and some strange woman sending a magic wand over her womb.
Excitement bubbled in her stomach – or it could have just been Bean who was, if the jerky movements of the health professional were any indication, tearing around like a mad chook avoiding being photographed like its life depended on it.
She had to laugh (which earned her disdain from her wand-wielding captor) – this child would be more like her than its dad then? She couldn't think of Dane ever avoiding a camera with such vigour – other than being papped. Was being scanned like being papped if you were a foetus? It was certainly an unwanted intrusion into your privacy – here you were sucking your thumb or stuffing your fingers up your nose and suddenly your quiet, gurgly world was being invaded. Yeah that would be a little off-putting – no wonder Bean was heading for the hills (or mountains as her breasts were becoming thanks to the hormones) or at least as far away as it could from the intrusion.
Although maybe Bean was more like Dane than she thought (not just because it was currently mammary gland-bound – Dane was a breast man – he always had been; she'd called him on it from-time to time, though mostly she'd just eye-roll when his eyes wandered south when he thought no-one was looking).
No Bean was proving flighty, busy, like Dane.
Sarah liked stillness, but that word didn't seem to be in Bean's vocabulary yet (not that any words were) but she sensed that the little speed demon in her womb was taking after it's excitable, never sit still father.
Father.
Shit, that still seemed foreign and slightly out of place when used to reference Dane – as foreign as "mother" was when referring to Sarah Charlotte Huntington.
Right now, as their child was avoiding the "press" it's father would be voluntarily standing in front of a camera somewhere in Eastern Europe, in the cold, filming his latest movie – not a hair out of place, bouncing up and down on his toes between takes, charming the crew and generally living up to his role as a Golden Globe nominee.
A ball of energy finally on his way to the top while still stuck in the mud in the 2 am world of filming in the dark and cold; far away from her in this white-walled world of sterility and sighing sonographers.
If she was as honest with herself as she was with the rest of the world, Sarah would admit she wished he was here. Would that be a sign of weakness, a sign that she needed someone to help with this?
She was a strong independent woman.
That was her mantra.
She lived by it.
She had to.
So many people had been ripped from her life over the years, she had become, and had needed to become, self-reliant.
There was only an entourage today because she liked the idea of sharing the experience and because they'd insisted. It wasn't because it felt right to fill the room with other people – well the waiting room.
Three people to be exact – three people who had all insisted on being here – leaving Sarah with no choice but to invite them, well they'd invited themselves.
Truth be told, Sarah had been quite happy to do this on her own; to do this quietly and privately – in case something was wrong with the baby and because she'd wanted it to be her moment, their moment – hers and Bean's, the first of 100s, millions.
But sneaking away quietly wasn't on the cards. Not with her family – both blood and adopted.
Yeah, chance would be a fine thing; like she'd be able to escape Dane's mother Margaret or their sister Athena or indeed the force of nature that was her Library boss Dehlia.
No that was never going to happen.
She'd managed to talk Neville out of coming or getting her to wait and have her scan at the same time as Lizzie or Petra. But the intrepid trio was never going to be left out of this adventure.
In fact hours after finding out that Sarah was pregnant, Dehlia had invited herself to this scan.
"Don't worry we're going to be there every step of the way," she'd said volunteering hers and her partner's time.
After keeping the pregnancy all to herself for the first two months or so, Sarah had welcomed her boss and her wife fussing over her. Dehlia had no children of her own and seemed intent on claiming the semi motherless Sarah while Barb was one of those women with an ample bosom and matching heart, born to motherhood; the type that knew just what to say and when; how to give advice without preaching; how to get you to think for yourself and support you in whatever decision you made. Barb always seemed to say the right thing, Barb was the mystical creature born to nurture but still a successful writer in her own right. She was what Sarah would love to be if she'd been born with any type of maternal instinct.
Yeah, no.
Sarah was the type that would eat her own young or at the very least forget where she put it.
Barb, thank god had decided against coming too. So the entourage was three. Though the sonogram Nazi had banished them all to the waiting room until the important technical stuff was out of the way.
Sarah's bladder felt like it was going to explode every time, the wand was pushed into her stomach. Yeah, this was no place for other people to be.
She needed to pee.
But more than that she needed to see.
"Wow, baby is active!" Helene (yes the Sonogram Nazi had a name – and to be honest she wasn't that officious really Sarah was just fractious, nervous and missing her best friend).
As Helene turned the screen around, Sarah's breath caught in her throat.
There was Bean.
Well, it's arse.
Yep, this was her baby alright.
She was being mooned by a fetus.
"That's my kid!" she said shaking her head.
Helene laughed as she turned the screen around again.
"Yes it seems to be its preferred angle," she giggled. "I'm sorry I've got some technical stuff to do and then I'll let you have a proper look and we'll invite your family in – well one at least."
"Yeah sorry about that, they're all a bit over-excited," she said as the sonographer pressed buttons and did whatever the hell they do.
"You're lucky to have such a great support network."
And she was.
She knew it.
She had a great support network.
All except the person she wanted.
She wasn't disappointed. Not really, he had to work and he had to distance himself from her, from them. But right now as Helene tracked Bean across her abdomen, it all became real and she envied her step sister and her friend.
Her best friend wasn't here.
The father of the baby wasn't here.
The man she loved.
Shit.
She had always known it but to think it, to bring it into an actual thought process was not something she liked to do, to admit.
Dane should be here.
A dangerous fat, ugly, unwanted tear appeared in the corner of a traitorous eye.
He wasn't here by mutual consent.
They'd made the decision the moment his nomination was announced, on the Sunday night after Thena's birthday party. It was the moment everything changed and yet in Sarah's mind, it was the moment that everything became clear. They'd flip-flopped all weekend on an emotional rollercoaster ride.
They'd both been careful not to be seen together at her party, he'd laughed and joked with the rest of the family but they'd cut a wide berth. Too many strangers, too many people that might draw the wrong conclusion or in this case, the right one. But she'd felt his eyes on her, felt him look at her throughout the night.
And when they'd got back to the house and their room, Sarah sighed – his room – he'd been gung-ho, wanting her – them – to move in with him – have their own rooms but let him be part of their lives.
She'd said no.
But he was excitable Dane, he'd seen Lizzy and Neville together at the party, how he fussed over her, how they looked together with their baby bump and Ruby – a family, he wanted that had been going crazy not touching her, watching people fussing over her and not being able to do it too not being able to do what Neville did and proudly put his arm around her and touch her stomach where their child was growing. In that moment as they lay next to each other in his bed he wanted to tell Sabine, the world, everyone. He was caught up in the moment, it had started to become real to him – but not really and she knew it. He was seeing the good bits, the rose-coloured glasses future. She'd been the voice of reason – wait and see – let's not make changes yet, I'm happy where I am and you're away a lot over the next few months, we're set in our ways, let's just see where the journey takes us.
He'd sighed a lot and acquiesced. Nodding and waiting. She'd felt mean but there had been no declaration of love on either side.
Would she have capitulated if there had been?
No of course not.
And he knew it.
Knew her well.
So he'd calmed down.
She knew the look – he was determined but he was biding his time.
And then, the next day the call came – the nomination, not just for him but for Sabine. They'd both been recognised for their work, Dane at 35 and Sabine at 24. She'd hugged him and he'd hugged her, kissed her cheek, talked to her stomach and told Bean that Daddy was a Golden Globe nominee; but then the other calls had come in, management, pr, journalist friends looking for quotes and Sabine.
He'd said nothing to anyone.
There was nothing to say.
It was like you could hear the time bomb in her tummy ticking.
They'd driven home then – him to London for a day or two and her back to Stratford. Back to her own filming, the special they were putting together for the BBC for Shakespeare's anniversary, filming moved up while they could still hide her bump behind bags or props.
Then they'd met for dinner, discreetly, at her place on Wednesday. And had the talk.
He'd come full circle. All the hype had got to him. He'd spoken to his PR, to his management and it was bad timing. Bad for his career just as it was finally taking off, as he was moving from the second or third choice for a movie role to numero uno, top dog, that's where he was headed. He'd argued that not saying anything and having it come out was worse. And it might be. If it came out.
It couldn't come out.
And if it did?
The original story was in place. It had been artificial insemination. She'd wanted a baby and he'd helped her. But although his star was rising and he was "the internet's boyfriend" his celebrity status wasn't stratospheric, he'd managed to keep his love life private for the most part – plenty of speculation, yes, but nothing confirmed. So this was doable. More than that, it was the best course, the right thing for him, for her and for Bean.
She'd agreed, been on board, they were friends and that's the way it would have to stay. It was the way it should stay. To come out put pressure on both of them to make it work to make it become something it wasn't. You can't will a relationship into being. It had never happened for them, timing had been wrong, situations had been wrong.
Things were still wrong.
And yet as she lay there, she missed him. Felt sorry he was missing this.
Regretted the "right thing".
"Okay all done – who can I call in?" Helene asked, breaking Sarah's thought train.
"Oh that was quick, um my sister please!"
They'd decided as a group, that Thena would be the one to come in, to share the moment with her sister. She was the obvious choice – Bean's aunt twice over.
Helene left the room to fetch her and Sarah took deep breaths, why, if this was what she wanted was she fighting back tears? She needed to pull herself together before Thena came in. More deep breaths, head clearing. Bean was her baby. Dane? Dane had provided the DNA and he'd be the uncle nothing more.
It was the right choice.
No, maybe it was the best choice and that actually didn't make it right.
Another deep breath.
She could do this.
She had wanted to do this on her own. She and Dane would be an unmitigated disaster together.
She was tough, strong and independent.
She was...........
"Oh wow!"
It was all Thena's could manage, her eyes bugged out as she saw her sister lying there on the table her baby bump exposed.
"This is real – it's really happening," she giggled excitedly, stepping up to the table and grabbing her sister's hand as Helene turned the screen around. Thena had pestered Margaret and Sarah to be allowed the day off school to be there and now as her little niece or nephew came into view, she was glad she had.
"Oh wow," she said again.
"Oh yeah now you behave now your Aunty's here," Helene scoffed.
"I should have had you in here from the beginning."
Laughter filled the previously quiet, austere room.
But Sarah only had eyes for the little grainy person on the screen.
"Bean," she said quietly, her eyes widening and the breath she'd been unconsciously holding finally escaped her lips.
An unexpected rush of warmth flooded her body, a tear glistened in her eye and a gentle smile formed on her lips.
"Hello, Bean – I'm your Mummy!"
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