Chapter Six
The Ugly Truth
I was hot. I was really hot. I could feel sweat on my forehead and my back burning. I opened my eyes, immediately realizing that I wasn’t on the couch anymore. I was lying in bed, my foot propped up against a pillow, yet I somehow managed to lie on my side. I looked like a tangled mess, with my arms and legs going in different directions. I craned my neck around, nearly getting my eye jabbed out by Jack’s nose. He was so smashed up against me that his head was pressed against mine. That’s why I was burning up. How long had he been sleeping on me?
His arm was loosely around my waist, and his other arm underneath my pillow. I gently pulled his arm off me and threw back the covers. I doubt Jack realizes how much heat he puts off. Some nights it’s wonderful, when it’s all snowing and such. But it was warmer last night. I also doubt that Jack knows how much he crushes me in the night. I must wake up two or three times a night, practically buried beneath his heavy body. He always denies being a snuggly guy. Men, I thought with a roll of my eyes. Just like last time, my mouth was dry. I began to gently scoot myself towards the edge of the bed, causing Jack to roll forward and smack face-first into my shoulder.
“What the—“ Jack grumbled in confusion.
“Sorry!” I wormed my way out from under him and placed my good leg onto the ground.
He pushed himself up, his head hanging just inches from my pillow. “What’re you doing?”
I stared at his wild hair, resisting a laugh when I saw how it stuck to one side. Something about his eyes when he first wakes up always hypnotized me. Right now they were green, the same color as a Christmas tree, I realized. “I was just getting a drink.”
Without saying a word, he pushed himself off the bed and went downstairs. I was going to follow, but I knew he was getting me a drink. Just as I thought, he came in with a glass of water, handing it to me as soon as I sat up.
“Thanks.” I took several sips until the dryness faded away.
He rolled back into bed and began to shut his eyes.
I snuggled into his side, smiling in content when he pulled me closer. “You know what we should do?”
“You’re too injured for that,” he replied without even knowing what I was actually talking about.
I gave him a light smack on the chest. “Not that.” My face was burning. “I was talking about the connection.”
“Hmm?” His eyes opened to look down at me.
“We should do the connection.”
He was quiet for a several seconds. I was starting to wonder if he had fallen to sleep. “Okay.”
I sat up to look at him. He didn’t have a teasing expression or anything. He looked serious. “Do you want to do it now or tonight?”
His eyes roamed over my face as if to search for something. “Now.”
My heart fluttered with excitement. This was always a thrilling experience. It was so different and incredible. It was like reading a fascinating book that left you wanting more. It wasn’t just about getting to see Jack’s memories, thoughts, and emotions. This was two minds becoming one with just a light touch. Everything was out in the open for us. No secrets. It’s scary, to be honest. It’s worse than being seen naked. But it’s a thrill. I’ve wanted to know what Jack has been thinking about for a long time now. He always tries to hide what he’s feeling by joking and avoiding things. Now he won’t be able to do that. Why would Jack let me in? He’s just as curious.
“Take my hand,” he murmured, lying on his back with his head turned toward me.
I scooted down so that I was on my back and took his hand in mine. We both looked at each other, the same serene look on our faces. I took a deep breath, preparing myself for this. It was difficult to get used to something so surreal. “I’m ready.”
It took seconds before the connection was made. It was like being pulled into warm water. At first, it’s suffocating. But things settle once the fog lifted and I saw Jack in front of me. We were no longer in our bed, but sitting on some grass. I don’t know who had thought up a grassy field, though it seemed more like something I would think of. It reminded me of summer and warmth and sun. I sprawled out next to him, loving how it was only the two of us. No one could disrupt this.
“This is nice,” I thought, each word echoing out for Jack to hear.
“Mmm-hmm,” he thought back.
I knew what I wanted to search for. I just hoped that Jack wouldn’t know. I rose, my thoughts trying only to focus on this moment and not what I was about to do. I went straight to his memories, which consisted of thousands upon thousands of doors. I knew mine was just a huge and confusing as his. Jack didn’t know what I was up to because it was common to wander about. I had to think hard about where the memory was located. After what felt to be several minutes—time went by much quicker in our heads than in reality—I found the right door. Opening it would put me right in Jack’s memory of the other day. I’ll see what he sees, feel what he feels, and think what he thinks. Taking a mental breath, I pushed the door open.
I’ll never get over how bizarre it is to see me from someone else’s eyes. But there I was, sitting on the hospital bed, my hair such a mess that I was embarrassed to see what I looked like through Jack’s eyes. His thoughts were confusing at first. They mostly consisted of panic. He was panicking over my injury. He was honestly hurt by me not contacting him.
She’s hiding it from me. Why? Why keep this from me? He thought with his eyes focusing on my gory leg.
“I was waiting for one of you to have a staring contest or muscle comparison.” It was me who had said it from the hospital bed. My eyes were a shade of red that I rarely saw. It was eerie to see myself from this angle, to see the red in my eyes was freaky.
Why does she care about how I treat Liam? He thought viciously. His thoughts were becoming filled with panic once more. But the panic wasn’t about my leg.
He was worried over losing me.
It felt like a sudden change of mood. The more I listened though, the more I began to realize that this nagging thought wasn’t new. He’s been worrying about this a lot. His thoughts went to me and Liam and how friendly Liam was being toward me. Does she always have to be so friendly? He looked down at the soup Liam had brought me. The little snake is trying to slither his way in. His thoughts only darkened from there, worrying me. He was convinced that I was falling for Liam’s ‘charm.’ Yet he never verbalized it. He kept the worry to himself.
“I don’t like him,” Jack had said as carefully as he could.
She’ll be pissed, he thought when he considered telling Liam off out in the hall. He wanted to scare Liam off. I had to remind myself that these were only thoughts, not actions. We all have our dark thoughts sometimes. Yet Jack’s were so intense, almost frightening. He pictured showing up at the house Liam and I were working on to give him a piece of his mind. Instead of telling me, he had just lifted me from the bed.
My head had rested on his shoulder, which oddly calmed his dark thoughts. “Should I even bother to ask why?” I had asked tiredly.
I’ve see the way he looks at you, thought Jack.
I watched from his eyes as he carried me to the ship. He buckled me in, still concerned over my leg, and started up his ship.
And then the memory dissolved before my eyes.
“So this is why you wanted to do the connection?” Jack thought to me.
I was standing in the grassy field again. He had ripped me out of his memory, just like that. Startled, I became overcome with frantic thoughts. “That’s not the only reason!”
He narrowed his eyes. He was not happy.
“I just wanted to know—“
“Of course you did. What else do you want to know? I’ll just lead you wherever you want to do, Samantha.” Bitterness echoed in his thoughts.
“Why are you so mad? It’s not like I did something you asked me not to do.”
“I’m mad because you won’t listen to me.”
I stared at his harsh expression in confusion. “What do you mean?”
“Is it so horrible to just be at home?” Now his anger was beginning to change into hurt.
“Of course not!” I couldn’t believe he could think such a thing. I’ve told him time and time again that I like working because Renton needs help. “Is it so horrible for me to work? Why do you want me home so badly?”
He couldn’t stop his thoughts even if he wanted to. He let it slip. “I’ll lose you.”
This was all so startling to hear. I never realized that this was what he’s been concerned about this entire time. “Lose me? How?”
The connection began to become blurry. He was pulling away. “To someone else, like Liam.”
It was astonishing to hear. How could he think that I would want anyone else? “Liam is just a friend. I swear.”
“I was just a friend.”
The connection broke. It was like being thrown into a tub of ice water. My eyes flew open with a gasp. Jack stared back at me, the colors in his eyes swirling and unreadable. I was filled with confusion and sadness over the fact that this was what Jack was in pain over. I reached out to grab his hand, but he pulled away and hopped off the bed.
“Jack,” I breathed, watching as he was heading towards the door. “What you and I have is entirely different.”
He stopped at the door with his hand gripped the frame and his bare back towards me.
“I don’t want you to ever worry about me running off with someone else.” My expression faltered a bit when I realized that it wasn’t just about him concerned about another guy. He didn’t trust me. “What have I done to get you to not trust me?”
He slowly turned to look at me. “It’s not you. It’s them. You don’t realize how terrifying the thought of being alone is.”
My brows pushed together. “Obviously it’s partially me. Otherwise you wouldn’t be worrying.”
I could tell he just wanted to leave. Jack usually went on a walk or left for a few hours when he didn’t want to deal with something. I guess my damaged leg kept him standing there. Knowing Jack, he knew the second he left that I would hop around the house. “You and Zach were in love, Samantha. You were engaged to him.” He cringed at Zach’s name.
“I did love him,” I flat out said. “But as I said, what you and I have it entirely different. We’re bonded. I mean, I love you more than anything.”
I could tell by his expression that it was exactly what he needed to hear. He took a deep breath and stepped towards me. “I can’t lose you. I just can’t.”
I’m not a crier. It’s extremely rare for me to just burst into tears. But right then, I found myself tearing up. “You won’t.”
His lips pulled to the side into a half smile. I patted the bed for him to lie back next to me. He did. I kissed him, something I feel like I haven’t done in years. He responded immediately and gripped the back of my neck to keep me close. I pulled myself into him, wishing he were even closer. He hovered over my, planting sweet kisses down my cheek and neck. I cupped his stubbly cheek softly while brushing my lips to his. It was wonderful.
Until he accidentally bumped my leg.
A groan escaped my lips and I pulled away just a little.
“Oh, sorry,” he muttered, quickly rolling off me and back onto his back.
I relaxed once the pain faded away. “Stupid injury,” I grumbled under my breath.
“You shouldn’t go back there. It’s dangerous.”
“Aw, come on. I thought we just got past this.”
“Why not even consider staying at home?”
I propped myself up on one elbow to look at him. “I have considered it. Why must you be so persistent about this?” It was more of a rhetorical question. I knew why he was being this way.
“Because maybe I want to have another baby.”
Every muscle in my entire body locked up. I stared blankly at him as he stared across the room, avoiding my eyes. I wasn’t sure how to react to it. It was baffling. I thought Jack’s confession had me stumped, but this topped the cake. We haven’t ever discussed having another baby. Ever. It was something we’ve just put on the back burner as we got our lives back on track. I’ve barely thought about another baby. Maybe it’s because the past two children I have had weren’t something I planned. “You do?” I questioned lamely.
He still stared across the room. “Yes.”
I was actually sweating. My heart raced and my mouth felt dry. I was panicking. I don’t know why I was so affected by this. “I-I’m not exactly ready for another…”
He tore his eyes from the wall and looked at me. “Why not?”
I rolled back onto my back and stared at the ceiling. “I feel like we’re just getting things settled. I don’t think I can handle another baby just yet…”
Jack had no reply for that. What could he say? It’s not like he can argue that I can handle it. I know what I can handle, and a baby just isn’t it right now. I glanced at Jack and saw that he seemed…disappointed. It was as if I told him that we’re not going on a cruise or something. How long has he wanted another baby?
The rest of the day went by with awkward looks, brief conversations, and more medication. I wasn’t sure what all I could say. Jack and I have been on different pages lately.