And don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are.
*****
There's a crushing weight sitting on my chest and nothing seems to ease it, even when I have cried myself to the point of total physical and mental exhaustion and I have nothing else to give to it.
Every breath that I manage to draw in is so painfully toilsome, I keep dragging the moment I have to do it again.
"I swear I will sing the entire Les Miserables repertoire until you eat something." Jasper threatens me, dangling a peanut butter and jam sandwich in the space between us. "And I mean Russel Crowe."
I know he tries to make me smile and I want him to succeed, but he barely manages to rip a dim smirk out of my lips.
I like his company, though. It keeps me from thinking too much about all of the things that keep haunting me each time he leaves the room or stops talking.
My head is a wheel spinning out of control and at the verge of coming off of its handle. My thoughts are so loud and deafening, I sometimes find myself fighting the urge to just curl into a ball and cover my ears.
So the idea of Jasper singing, no matter how badly I know he does it, is not as terrible as he think he is.
"Have at it." I say dryly, shrugging with indifference.
He looks at me almost in horror; shocked that his duress has lead him absolutely nowhere. And I can see it in his face that he has no intention of following through with it, although I kind of suspected it from the start.
"Please, Lea." He chooses to beg instead, softening his voice into a pleading whisper. "I know this is hard, but you need to eat so you can stay strong."
I make a great effort to swallow down the bitter chuckle that rises from my chords at his words resulting in a weird, howling noise coming out of it.
"To stay strong implies being strong to begin with, Jazz. And I'm just not." I say with a tired voice that I barely recognize as my own. "I feel so hollow... It hurts."
I thought I was done. I could have sworn I was completely empty of tears for a really long while; but apparently I still have tons of them in storage and they start falling down with the same force as before.
"I know..." He says as his arm slides across my shoulder and he pulls me towards him. "I would kill to make this go away for you."
"I did everything right. I don't get it." I whimper against his side, soaking his shirt in the process. "I did as he told me; I followed his notes and his advices. I swear that I did."
I keep thinking about that and how ironic it all is. How I went about for almost two years without following my professor's most important rule, only to suffer the consequences the second I decided to actually listen.
"Shit happens, Le. I'm sure that sounds lame but just don't know what else to tell you." He strokes my hair tenderly and my eyelids fall heavy when I feel his lips touching my temple. "But you'll pull through it. I will pull you through it. All of us will."
I think I nod but I'm too exhausted to even tell. And the last thing I remember before falling asleep, is Jasper's voice mentioning his name though I don't get to hear what he says.
Harry stands in the middle of the rooftop fighting against the wind messing with his shoulder length curls. He has a deep frown carving the wrinkles at the top of his nose and he keeps looking around him, like he's lost or searching for someone.
The moment I realize that I'm dreaming is when I take my first step towards him and there is no pain harassing me. I look down at my feet and they are both bear and sound. A thin layer of freshly fallen snow covers the ground, but I don't feel the cold.
I take a few steps, savoring each one as if they were my first and watching the marks they leave beneath them almost in awe.
But I snap out of that when I remember there is something even better to look at in front of me, and when I do, he is no longer pouting. Instead, there is a big, wide smile stretched across his face.
My strides are hesitant at first, but I keep on walking anyway, and when I'm half way to where he stands he decides to breach the remaining distance himself.
He meets me with a kiss that feels as real as any other he ever gave me, if not more. His hands grope hastily at my sides, gripping me by the waist and lifting me up from the ground.
I kiss him back with the same enthusiasm, although I'm rather befuddled by his urgency. And when he gently puts me back down, our lips unlock and I open my eyes.
His are so close, I can see the small brown and golden specks scattered across the perfect green. And I get so lost in them I fail to say a single word.
Every second seems to drag but I don't mind at all. And under his gaze I feel as safe as I know I could ever be. Nothing can hurt me if he's here. Nothing can get to me as long as we stay on this rooftop.
"You came." He whispers after what seems like forever, with his mouth grazing mine as his hands slide down my arms to tangle with my own.
He sounds strange, like he is talking from inside my own head instead of his mouth, but since this is clearly a dream, my mind is exactly where his voice lives.
"I came." I hear myself saying though my lips never move. "Why are you so surprised?"
"I thought I'd never see you again."
I get thrown back into vigil just when he is about to crash his lips against mine once more. And as I try to recognize my surroundings, still dazzled with confusion, I can actually feel him everywhere he touched me so for a second, I find myself searching for him in my bed.
I shake my head trying to get rid of that feeling. And that safety I felt in my dream gets replaced by all of those awful feelings I was experiencing before I fell asleep and he showed up.
My room is darker than it was when I drifted and the last rays of sunshine are weakly seeping through the curtains. My head is fuzzy and I notice my body is stiff and sore all over. My leg hurts a little, though not as much, so I decide this is good time as any to make the first attempt of getting up.
"Uhm... I don't know about that." I hear Jasper saying after I manage to open the door whilst keeping myself steady on the crunches. "Maybe is not such a good idea."
I slowly make my way down the hallway towards the living room. I keep a careful, stealthy pace mostly so I don't trip and fall, but also because something in his words and tone somewhat unsettles me.
"All right, let me think about it." He says after a while, still not convinced about whatever the other person just told him. "I can't make any promises, though."
With the laborious step I take next my cover gets blown of as I hit the small table beside me, knocking down a vase to the floor.
"I'll call you later, I have to go now." He hurries to hang up and come to my aid thought I don't really need any. "Are you okay? Here, let me get you to the couch."
"So, are you going to tell me what that was all about?" I enquire him after he finishes cleaning up the mess I've made and he comes to sit next to me.
"Oh, nothing..." He says notoriously nervous and I urge him with a light slap on his thigh. "Just a guy from the gym asking me on a date."
I narrow my eyes at him, knowing that he is not one to be that reluctant to accept going on a date, let alone with guys from the gym. But he quickly changes the subject and I don't get to pry any further.
*****
I would probably be upset, mad even, at the fact that I have them practically invading my apartment when I was very much determined to be left alone with my wallowing, if the sight displayed before me wasn't so bloody endearing.
Right in front of me, standing in the middle, is Niall. His blond hair is ruffled and pointing at every direction and he is literally smiling with his entire face as he holds a teddy bear that is almost as big as him. I assume it's for me so I reach out like a toddler and I pull it into my lap.
Next to him, at his right, comes Liam. And if the word adorable should ever have a picture next to it in a dictionary, his face right now would be the most perfect, accurate choice. His brown eyes beam with a warmth that engulfs me and I welcome it along with the flowers he holds in his hands.
Last, but most definitely not least, and charmingly smiling whilst swinging on his feet almost imperceptivity, stands Louis. With his lips pursed into a smug grin as he chews the inside of his cheeks, he just looks at me for a few seconds and then gives me a quick wink of the eye. His hands, unlike the rest of the boys, are awfully empty.
"This is lovely, guys. But there was really no need for you to come all the way here." I say as I accept their presents with a now surprisingly sincere smile dancing on my lips.
"Nonsense! You took really good care of us this last month so we had to return the favor." Louis responds with a crocked smile, coming to sit by my side.
I try to ignore the fact that he is not amongst them. But his absence is almost as powerful as his presence, and I have yet to decide which one is worse.
"Really? If that's so, how come you're not bearing any gifts for me then?" I reproach playfully enough to let those thoughts about Harry be pushed to the back of my mind.
"I thought I've stated in the past that I give the best presents." He quickly replies, snatching the gigantic stuffed animal from my hands and awkwardly throwing it at Niall. "And this time shall be no exception. I'll be here soon enough."
The bell ring just as he finishes saying those words and his friend complains about his behavior. Jasper, who was smart enough to stay out of my field of vision and reach since they all walked through the door, is the one rushing over to the front door to answer it.
The first one to step in is Olivia, barely acknowledging my roommate's presence with a nod before running over to where I sit with a relieved expression in her face.
"I'm so sorry, Lea!" She says as she hugs me warmly but carefully, and I do the same. "Are you okay? Does it hurt?"
I simply shrug still wrapped in her embrace, trying to find the answer to those questions.
Am I okay? Not in the slightest. But somewhere between my vivid dream on that rooftop and the moment they all showed up, I decided I was going to do whatever it takes for me to be able to answer that question with a yes sooner or later. As for the pain, whether I got used to it or actually subsided, the truth is I can no longer feel anything but a dull throb that is more like a nuisance than anything else.
By the time she lets go of me after I assure her that I'm feeling better, he is already taking off his coat and standing a few steps away from me.
I can read it both in his face and his body language that he is silently assessing my state of mind and heart. Looking, from a safe distance, every single detail about me that would tell him if he should come closer or stay put.
I consider those two options myself as well. Weighing in my mind which one is more painful than the other: His overpowering presence or his undeniably suffocating absence.
I surprise myself when I come up with that answer rather quickly. And with a shy smile, I silently communicate it to him.
Aside from the lack of wind making a mess of his now tied up curls, he reminds me of the dream I had of him a few hours ago. The same frown is settled on his forehead and it swiftly turns upside down as he gets my unspoken message.
This time, and without even thinking what I'm doing, I'm the one speaking the words he said to me then.
"You came."