"Can't we just wait five more minutes?" I pleaded. I wanted Jon to show up and come back onto the bus. There was honestly so much regret running through my mind right now from volunteering to step in. I was quite terrified. Singing on stage was bad enough.
"Hannah, I'm sorry, but we're already behind schedule. We can't waste anymore time waiting here for him.." I let out a sigh and Spencer spoke. Maybe stepping in for Jon would be the next step as a job? I could be a bassist in a band. Though honestly I don't know if I could actually do that. Album art was always an option. Completely different direction than a bassist, but whatever. I could do that.
As my mind was wandering about, Jon just so happened to walk inside the bus. A look of pure anger was resting on his face. I didn't know whether to be worried or relieved. But I went with the relieved option.
"Jon, you're back!" I get up from the couch and wrap my arms around him in a hug. But instead of the sweet hugger of a person Jon was, he pushed me away and went to sit as far away from everyone as he could.
"I did it for the fans. Not any of you." My cheeks burn up as I sit back down a little embarrassed. Brendon gave me a small smile as if to say 'Everything will be alright'.
Once again I was hoping and pleading that this was all just a dream. Correction. Nightmare. I just wanted all of this to be back to the way it was when these men didn't hate each other.
~~~
The ride mostly consisted of eating in silence, sleeping, and crying. Not in that order, and not very fun on my part. But I don't blame the guys, they're all having issues with one another. But I couldn't help but to feel bad for Brendon the most. I mean, he got punched in the face and was screamed at because he 'changed' and was 'bringing everyone down.' If you ask me, I'd say it was actually Brendon trying to be the one to keep everything together. Next to Spencer that is.
And when all of this was over, I'm never going to see these men again. But worst of all I don't want Ryan to lock himself away in his room all over again. This band meant everything to him. He was so happy doing this. I was happy watching him do what he loved. And I couldn't think of it any other way. I just wanted him to stay, I wanted to be around the guys while they're smiling and actually talking to each other.
This bus ride was a bit torturous with the awkward silence flooding into our ears. My mind couldn't focus on anything as my eyes rested on Brendon. He was just sitting there, seemingly lifeless, with him arms folded over his chest. His eyes were fixated on what I assume was something on the ceiling and very now and again, he would squint at it and blink a few times. This went on for what seemed like hours, though it was only probably about forty five minutes.
"Hannah!" Ryan screams at me and snapped his fingers in front of my face, taking me aback from my thinking. I look up at his face, which seemed annoyed. "We're here. Finally we got you're attention. You were staring into the distance for forever." I look from Ryan to the chair that Brendon had previously been sitting in, but he was no longer there.
"So," I quickly changed the subject, my head shifted downwards as I tried to avoid Ryan seeing my cheeks turning a bright red. He knew exactly what I was staring at. "Where exactly are we again?"
"We are at a hotel that I booked for us not too long ago. Thought we should rest for the night in some actual beds and eat some actual food. And then we're going to head off again first thing in the morning. We have a long road ahead of us." Ryan walks away and steps off the tour bus, leaving me alone. I wasn't aware that everyone else had already gotten off. But I follow him anyway.
As soon as I step off, Brendon was right there, causing me to almost bump into him.
"Oh hey, sorry." I rub the back of my neck uneasily. Everyone else was already making their way inside the tall building, leaving us alone.
"Hey, I was just waiting for you is all." He smiled. "So, if you don't mind me asking, why were you staring so intently at me earlier? I know I'm a bit dashing, but it was an awful long time." A chuckle escaped his lungs.
"I'm sorry about that. I...I just got deep into thought and I was apparently looking your way." That came out a lot smoother than I had intended for it to be, since I could feel the nerves inside me start to kick in. And I'm positive my face was still splotchy from blushing earlier.
"I was just asking." His smiles slowly begins to fade as his face got a bit more serious. "What exactly were you thinking about?"
"Oh...uh..." I don't really know how to explain this to him. 'I was thinking about how much I like you and this whole thing with Ryan and Jon and them leaving the band is really making me question whether or not I'll be able to see you again'. Yeah, because I totally say that out load to him. "I was just thinking about this whole situation. And how I might not ever see you again." The shorter version of that sounded a lot better than what was going on inside my head. I'm glad I worded it that way.
"Oh." That gives me a sign that he didn't really think about that part. "That would suck." I look down to see him moving his foot in a way that looked like he was squashing a bug.
"Yeah it would." That was all that was said before the awkward silence between us for the next few moments. "I'm gonna head inside. You coming?" I make a motion towards the entrance to the hotel. I wanted to just get this over with.
Brendon bites his lip. "Wait, not yet." He smiles and grabs my hand, pulling me back towards him. He then walks onto the bus, still holding onto my hand.
As I walk inside, Brendon closes the door behind me and locked it. He reached for the light switch and turned off the main light from the bus, leaving the only light source to come from the bunks. My heart skipped a beat. What was he doing?
"Why are you doing this?" I questioned him as he grabbed ahold on his guitar and sat down on the couch.
"So that no one comes in to check on us." He pats the seat next to him and looks down to pick at some of the strings to tune it. I cautiously sat next to him, still unable to detect why we didn't just go with the rest of the guys into the hotel. It was just me and him. It felt amazing and I had hoped that this moment would never end. But I knew that it would soon, for someone was bound to come knocking on the door.
"I uh..I wrote a song for you." He looks up at me, but quickly back down to the acoustic in his lap. "But uh..it's on the album already. But I dedicated it to you. In my mind anyway." He started playing and I recognized the song right away, humming along as he began to sing.
"She held the world upon a string
But she didn't ever hold me
Spun the stars on her fingernails
But it never made her happy
Cause she couldn't ever have me
She said she'd won the world at a carnival
But she could never win me
Cause she couldn't ever catch me
I, I know why
Because when I look in her eyes
I just see the sky
When I look in her eyes
Well I, just see the sky
I don't love you I'm just passing the time
You could love me if I knew how to lie
But who could love me?
I am out of my mind
Throwing a line out to sea
To see if I can catch a dream
The sun was always in her eyes
She didn't even see me
But that girl had so much love
she'd wanna kiss you all the time
Yeah, she'd wanna kiss you all the time
She said she won the world at a carnival
But I'm sure I didn't ruin her
Just made her more interesting
I'm sure I didn't ruin her
Just made her more interesting
I, I know why
Because when I look in her eyes
I just see the sky
When I look in her eyes
Well I, I just see the sky
I don't love you I'm just passing the time
You could love me if I knew how to lie
But who could love me?
I am out of my mind
Throwing a line out to sea
To see if I can catch a dream."
I throw my arms around him as he finishes the song. "Brendon! That's my favorite song! And you dedicated it to me?" I pull away from the hug with a wide smile on my face. There was a feeling of butterflies filling up my stomach.
"Yeah." He smiles back and looks down at me. His brown eyes made contact with mine, and for a few short moments, it felt as if the world around us just stopped.
Before I know it, Brendon connected our lips together. They felt soft and warm. Though it came as a bit of a surprise at first, I leaned in closer to him, our lips now moving in sinc with one another.
"I...I don't wanna do this, if you don't want to." He pulls away from me and gives me a guilty expression. Did I really wanna do this? Was it something that I was ready for?
"No..I wanna do this." I bite my lip as I glance back at him. Making up my mind now rather than later. And if it was going to be a mistake later on, then so be it. But at this moment, it felt kinda right.
The corner of Brendon's mouth turned up into a half smile before he pressed his lips against mine once more. He never broke contact as he began to pick me up and carry me over in the direction of the bunks.