[ honestly the song choice was just to be ironic (who am i, 2014!dan?) but i kinda dig it BYEEEE ]
it takes a long while before any of us know what to say.
it's like falling, i guess. not falling in love, but falling out of it - more like being pushed, actually. it's like a strong force shoving me straight out of all the comforts and securities i'd worked so hard to build. now i'm unprotected, vulnerable, and i can barely hear over the roaring in my ears. maniacal cackles taunting my failure accompanied by heavy sobs grieving my 'love' for him. serial killers can't fall in love josh, i remind myself.
it's zack who speaks up.
"you don't -" he guffaws, shaking his head. "i'm your brother."
"oh, gosh i didn't know i- you better come in," tyler squeezes his eyes shut regretfully, opening the door wider.
"all of us?" jenna asks, testing his recognition.
he opens his eyes again, smiling at us once more. "of course! it'd be a bit rude to only invite one wouldn't it?"
not so much rude as it would be reasonable.
i bite my tongue and follow the other two inside. i nearly faint at the elegance of the room. i wonder if the rest of the house looks like this. it's gorgeous and very suburban.
we've stepped into the entry room, and i note the large, white, staircase leading upstairs. there's two flights to the case, the second one landing itself its own floor. there's two doors side by side, with another one way down the hall. my stomach clenches at the thought of that being tyler and his bimbo's room and what they'd be doing that far from the kid. there's a glass door to in front and to the right, with carpeted steps leading downward.
my eyes hover over the pretty black table sitting directly to my right, resting on the pictures of the woman and the girl. there are no pictures of tyler. i breathe properly again.
"tyler?"
speak of the fucking devil.
she shakes her long artificially blonde hair out of a tight ponytail, bustling toward us with a hesitant grin.
"lila, this is -" a sad look comes across his face, making my body move forward before i know what i'm doing.
"uh, hi i'm josh and this is zack joseph and his um... girlfriend jenna," i extend my hand out to her, winking at the mouthed thank you falling from tyler's lips.
what are you doing josh
"oh goodness, i hope you're not upset. i didn't know he had family, do you... do you know?" she takes her obnoxiously red streaked bottom lip between her teeth.
"well we've gathered he doesn't know who we are," jenna shrugs.
i almost laugh at the way she glances distastefully up and down lila's body. she's clearly threatened by a human being so pretty. i suppose later i can tell jenna that at least she's all natural, unlike the plastic girl in front of me. although, i'd probably get hit for degrading women for doing what they want to do. there's no winning.
"you really should come inside, sit down for this. it's a little upsetting," she ushers us into her - get this - gorgeous living room that could probably fit two duplicates of zack and i's whole apartment.
we settle on her luxurious red sofa, as tyler and her take the love-seat. i bite down on my bottom lip hard enough to draw blood as his arms wrap around her waist.
"tyler was stabbed, as i'm sure you know," she shudders, grabbing onto his hand for support.
"it's okay," he whispers consolingly in her ear.
i fight my urge to chuck the nearest chair at her stupid unnaturally blonde head.
"right, well they had him on many drugs trying to combat the wounds as well as the pain. something went wrong with a specific treatment and an accidental overdose by an incompetent doctor sent him into a comatose state. when he woke out of it, he had no recollection of where he was, who he was, or what had happened to him. eventually, his wits came back, but only enough to be able to say his full name and the hospital he was in. the doctors released him and i found him wandering around outside the hospital. i talked to his attending doctor and she said that it's likely tyler will never remember the trauma or real past experiences. this is going to be a longterm amnesia spell," she looked down, clasping his hand tighter in hers.
"lila was kind enough to take me home with her and i've been staying here since," he smiles adoringly at his girlfriend, and i want to vomit at the sweetness.
"thank you for taking care of him," zack sniffs, standing up. "but he's my brother. come on tyler, come home with me."
lila's eyes widen, as do mine.
"wait what are you doing? you can't just take tyler away, he's an adult, he can make his own choices," lila springs up, arguing with zack.
"he's family. he's been gone long enough. i thought he was dead. do you really want to take this away from me?"
she falters, and tyler calmly steps between the two.
"how about just for a week?" tyler asks.
"what?" asks everyone else.
"i stay with zack for a week, and then i choose where i want to stay. i love you lila, but he's my brother," he turns to direct this at her.
"tyler i'm your girlfriend," she argues in disbelief.
"he knows me. you know parts of me," tyler shrugs.
i watch the tears spill out of her eyes, but also the way she nods. she gives tyler an understanding hug, begging him to please return to her. she promises to always wait for him. i look away, fighting the urge to throw up.
as we set to work getting tyler out of the house, my mind is at a lag.
i can't keep up with all the talking. i can't follow all their movements. i can't process my emotions. i can only move as my body is instructed, lacking the present thoughts to manage anything.
my hands are rough compared to the silky texture of tyler's now folded tshirts. i help him pack a few into a suitcase. i hear him say thank you, but we're already packing the suitcases into the car by the time i say, "you're welcome."
zack gives me a weird look as i blush.
"welcome for what? you expect me to express gratitude for what you've done?"
"n-no, i just-"
"whatever josh. you might wanna find somewhere else to stay tonight," he shakes his head, shutting the trunk of his jeep.
my brain fogs again, and i can only sense myself climbing into the backseat rather than the occupied front one. i feel jenna shaking me, and murmuring something to me but i cannot respond.
we're pulling onto the highway when i come to.
"you're kicking me out?" i ask belatedly.
"yes, josh," zack sighs exasperatedly.
"zack i don't have anywhere else to go," my tone takes on a panicky note.
"wait, you live with my brother?" tyler turns around in the front seat to ask me politely.
i swallow anxiously, willing myself to focus on anything other than that damn vacant gleam in his eye. the fucking prick doesn't remember me. after all i'd done... why can't you remember ty?
"yes."
"oh no, am i taking your spot? goodness, i don't wanna do that, please, take me back," he pleads.
"tyler, no, you're my brother," zack shakes his head. "josh is... a nuisance."
i say nothing. jenna rubs my arm comfortingly.
"josh has nowhere to go, zack. don't be mean, he seems very nice," tyler turns around to beam at me and i return with a tight smile.
oh god if only you knew, i am horrible i deserve nothing i'm so sorry tyler everything hurts so bad i did this to you it's my fault it's all my fault it's mY FAULT IM SORRY I DIDN'T WANT TO I CA N'T C O N T R O L I T PL E A SE REMEMBER TELL ME Y OU REMEMBER TELL ME IT S OKAY
Ȋͨͯ̍̓ͦ̈́ͧ̑̅ͨ̑̈́ͫ̉̀̂̀̚̚҉̭̖̯͔̮̥̘̫͇̻̺̻͉͇̗͚͇͕̀̕ͅT̴̛̋ͬͣ͛ͥͬ̚͠͏̡̜͇̗͖͔̠̤̠̱̖̹̬͕ͅͅS̨̲̪̻̗͈̪̱̹̺͚̯̭̩̪̣͚ͨ̉̿͐͒͐ͯ̐̋̌̃ͬ̀̚͢͡ͅ ̷̲̼̩̻̫̙̥͇̝̰̠̮̰̩̰͖̣͔̝ͫͫ̅̏̀ͥ͊ͥ̆̑͐͒ͪ͋͂̌ͯ̾́̀͢͞N̗͙̥̝̣͙̩͖̖̬̜͙̘̮̞͛͗̽̄́̇͆̈́͂͒̾̑̐͋͊͟͞O̧̠̘̠̬̫̩̳̔̉̍̈́͘ͅT̸̥̖̦̤͚̤̺̱̖̯͖̯͖̫̹̀͗̀ͫͩͥͫ̌͜͟͟ ̸̢ͩ͋̓̿ͤͨͣ̕͏͈̰̗̹̰̺̗̯͕̟͝O̧̺͉̤̟̥͍̳̱̣̠̿͗̔ͫͤ̈́̉̑ͤͭͤ̊ͫ͆̾̅͠K̢̢̪͈̤̺̣̜͈̄̀ͧ̉̽̍͊̀̕͝ͅA̶̺͓͖̠̥̍ͭ̃ͫ͌ͤ̾ͭ̿ͫ̀̔́̚Yͧ͑ͯͨ̈́̏̿̂̔̀͋̂̂̀͏̙͕̰͓̞̹̞̟Ȋͨͯ̍̓ͦ̈́ͧ̑̅ͨ̑̈́ͫ̉̀̂̀̚̚҉̭̖̯͔̮̥̘̫͇̻̺̻͉͇̗͚͇͕̀̕ͅT̴̛̋ͬͣ͛ͥͬ̚͠͏̡̜͇̗͖͔̠̤̠̱̖̹̬͕ͅͅS̨̲̪̻̗͈̪̱̹̺͚̯̭̩̪̣͚ͨ̉̿͐͒͐ͯ̐̋̌̃ͬ̀̚͢͡ͅ ̷̲̼̩̻̫̙̥͇̝̰̠̮̰̩̰͖̣͔̝ͫͫ̅̏̀ͥ͊ͥ̆̑͐͒ͪ͋͂̌ͯ̾́̀͢͞N̗͙̥̝̣͙̩͖̖̬̜͙̘̮̞͛͗̽̄́̇͆̈́͂͒̾̑̐͋͊͟͞O̧̠̘̠̬̫̩̳̔̉̍̈́͘ͅT̸̥̖̦̤͚̤̺̱̖̯͖̯͖̫̹̀͗̀ͫͩͥͫ̌͜͟͟ ̸̢ͩ͋̓̿ͤͨͣ̕͏͈̰̗̹̰̺̗̯͕̟͝O̧̺͉̤̟̥͍̳̱̣̠̿͗̔ͫͤ̈́̉̑ͤͭͤ̊ͫ͆̾̅͠K̢̢̪͈̤̺̣̜͈̄̀ͧ̉̽̍͊̀̕͝ͅA̶̺͓͖̠̥̍ͭ̃ͫ͌ͤ̾ͭ̿ͫ̀̔́̚Yͧ͑ͯͨ̈́̏̿̂̔̀͋̂̂̀͏̙͕̰͓̞̹̞̟Ȋͨͯ̍̓ͦ̈́ͧ̑̅ͨ̑̈́ͫ̉̀̂̀̚̚҉̭̖̯͔̮̥̘̫͇̻̺̻͉͇̗͚͇͕̀̕ͅT̴̛̋ͬͣ͛ͥͬ̚͠͏̡̜͇̗͖͔̠̤̠̱̖̹̬͕ͅͅS̨̲̪̻̗͈̪̱̹̺͚̯̭̩̪̣͚ͨ̉̿͐͒͐ͯ̐̋̌̃ͬ̀̚͢͡ͅ ̷̲̼̩̻̫̙̥͇̝̰̠̮̰̩̰͖̣͔̝ͫͫ̅̏̀ͥ͊ͥ̆̑͐͒ͪ͋͂̌ͯ̾́̀͢͞N̗͙̥̝̣͙̩͖̖̬̜͙̘̮̞͛͗̽̄́̇͆̈́͂͒̾̑̐͋͊͟͞O̧̠̘̠̬̫̩̳̔̉̍̈́͘ͅT̸̥̖̦̤͚̤̺̱̖̯͖̯͖̫̹̀͗̀ͫͩͥͫ̌͜͟͟ O̧̺͉̤̟̥͍̳̱̣̠̿͗̔ͫͤ̈́̉̑ͤͭͤ̊ͫ͆̾̅͠K̢̢̪͈̤̺̣̜͈̄̀ͧ̉̽̍͊̀̕͝ͅA̶̺͓͖̠̥̍ͭ̃ͫ͌ͤ̾ͭ̿ͫ̀̔́̚Yͧ͑ͯͨ̈́̏̿̂̔̀͋̂̂̀͏̙͕̰͓̞̹̞̟Ȋͨͯ̍̓ͦ̈́ͧ̑̅ͨ̑̈́ͫ̉̀̂̀̚̚҉̭̖̯͔̮̥̘̫͇̻̺̻͉͇̗͚͇͕̀̕ͅT̴̛̋ͬͣ͛ͥͬ̚͠͏̡̜͇̗͖͔̠̤̠̱̖̹̬͕ͅͅS̨̲̪̻̗͈̪̱̹̺͚̯̭̩̪̣͚ͨ̉̿͐͒͐ͯ̐̋̌̃ͬ̀̚͢͡ͅ ̷̲̼̩̻̫̙̥͇̝̰̠̮̰̩̰͖̣͔̝ͫͫ̅̏̀ͥ͊ͥ̆̑͐͒ͪ͋͂̌ͯ̾́̀͢͞N̗͙̥̝̣͙̩͖̖̬̜͙̘̮̞͛͗̽̄́̇͆̈́͂͒̾̑̐͋͊͟͞O̧̠̘̠̬̫̩̳̔̉̍̈́͘ͅT̸̥̖̦̤͚̤̺̱̖̯͖̯͖̫̹̀͗̀ͫͩͥͫ̌͜͟͟ ̸̢ͩ͋̓̿ͤͨͣ̕͏͈̰̗̹̰̺̗̯͕̟͝O̧̺͉̤̟̥͍̳̱̣̠̿͗̔ͫͤ̈́̉̑ͤͭͤ̊ͫ͆̾̅͠K̢̢̪͈̤̺̣̜͈̄̀ͧ̉̽̍͊̀̕͝ͅA̶̺͓͖̠̥̍ͭ̃ͫ͌ͤ̾ͭ̿ͫ̀̔́̚Yͧ͑ͯͨ̈́̏̿̂̔̀͋̂̂̀͏̙͕̰͓̞̹̞̟Ȋͨͯ̍̓ͦ̈́ͧ̑̅ͨ̑̈́ͫ̉̀̂̀̚̚҉̭̖̯͔̮̥̘̫͇̻̺̻͉͇̗͚͇͕̀̕ͅT̴̛̋ͬͣ͛ͥͬ̚͠͏̡̜͇̗͖͔̠̤̠̱̖̹̬͕ͅͅS̨̲̪̻̗͈̪̱̹̺͚̯̭̩̪̣͚ͨ̉̿͐͒͐ͯ̐̋̌̃ͬ̀̚͢͡ͅ ̷̲̼̩̻̫̙̥͇̝̰̠̮̰̩̰͖̣͔̝ͫͫ̅̏̀ͥ͊ͥ̆̑͐͒ͪ͋͂̌ͯ̾́̀͢͞N̗͙̥̝̣͙̩͖̖̬̜͙̘̮̞͛͗̽̄́̇͆̈́͂͒̾̑̐͋͊͟͞O̧̠̘̠̬̫̩̳̔̉̍̈́͘ͅT̸̥̖̦̤͚̤̺̱̖̯͖̯͖̫̹̀͗̀ͫͩͥͫ̌͜͟͟ ̸̢ͩ͋̓̿ͤͨͣ̕͏͈̰̗̹̰̺̗̯͕̟͝O̧̺͉̤̟̥͍̳̱̣̠̿͗̔ͫͤ̈́̉̑ͤͭͤ̊ͫ͆̾̅͠K̢̢̪͈̤̺̣̜͈̄̀ͧ̉̽̍͊̀̕͝ͅA̶̺͓͖̠̥̍ͭ̃ͫ͌ͤ̾ͭ̿ͫ̀̔́̚Yͧ͑ͯͨ̈́̏̿̂̔̀͋̂̂̀͏̙͕̰͓̞̹̞̟
zack slams the car door without saying anything. i jump at the sound, finding myself sitting in the backseat while the car is parked out front our apartment. i look around for tyler, but i can't see him.
vaguely, i wonder if i dreamt the whole thing.
i unbuckle my seatbelt, briskly walking into our complex. our apartment is on the third floor, leaving me to walk alone for a few minutes. zack isn't in front of me, so i assume he's outside smoking.
i fantasize about his impending lung cancer, cheering up slightly. bastard. i skip up the final flight of stairs, whistling happily as i unlock the door.
i stop whistling once it swings open.
"oh hey, i was just coming outside to get you," tyler smiles sheepishly, looking at the ground.
"here i am," i murmur awkwardly.
"here you are," he nods pleasantly, stepping back to let me in.
"thanks," i mutter.
"no, thank you," tyler shakes his head, shutting the door behind him. "zack told me you were the one to lead him to me. i owe you for that."
"no, no," i try to brush off the sentiment. he really doesn't.
"yes, josh. i've been pushing through day after day, always feeling like i'm missing out. wondering who i used to be, if i can ever be that person again. it's miserable. you've given me a part of my life back," he sniffs, and i worry he's going to do something stupid, like cry.
"it's okay, tyler," i murmur, stepping closer to him and patting his shoulder in what i hope is comforting and not creepy.
i am taken aback as his arms are thrown around me, gentle sobs leaking into my shoulder. i stumble slightly, catching myself on the edge of the kitchen counter. my arms circle his waist hesitantly, tracing patterns into his back because that's the only way i know how to be soothing. god, little does he know it's all my fault.
"what's going on here?!"
i flinch away from tyler, who doesn't seem bothered by zack's yell. he instead takes his time removing his arms from around my waist. he sniffs, turning around to face his brother.
"josh is a good friend, you're lucky," he says.
if only you knew, ty.
"yeah, i sure am. actually josh can i talk to you alone for a minute? ty, you can put your stuff in my room."
i watch tyler nod and grab his suitcase, hearing the wheels roll all the way down the hall. zack rounds on me suddenly, and i am pinned again against the counter. i cry out at the pressure he's putting on my back, but he presses harder.
"stay the fuck away from my brother. you're not doing this again," he growls.
"do you really think i want to? i was fucking miserable without him. get the hell off me," i snarl, shoving at his shoulders to no avail.
"i think you're a good actor. stay away," he says finally, pushing away.
i arch my back, trying to crack out the soreness. i shoot him the middle finger, slouching back to my bedroom. i freeze once i reach the doorway, watching as tyler joseph pulls off his shirt.
"oh hey," he turns around, discarding the shirt in his bag.
"um..." my words catch in my throat as my eyes trail down his long torso. "z-zack's room is down the hall."
"oh, did i get the wrong room? i'm sorry!" he says, though he doesn't move to grab anything which makes me think he's not that sorry. "i just got weirdly drawn to this one. you ever do that? feel a pull toward somewhere you've never really been before?"
"uh, no... but, it's fine, i just don't want him to get mad at me for you sleeping in here," i fight to remove my heavy gaze.
"he won't," tyler shrugs, slipping underneath my covers.
i nod, still stuck in my doorway.
"josh?"
"yes?"
"are you going to come to bed?"
i shudder at his inexcusable sultry tone, nodding once again. i step into my own funeral, sliding into bed beside tyler.