Ellie kept stroking Mia’s back.
Mia still had her arms folded in front of herself, as if she was a little uncomfortable, but her back was bare, and her sides were smooth, and her skin was soft and warm under Ellie’s hand.
They sat there for a while, without speaking.
Ellie still felt like she ought to do something. Like she’d made a mistake, and she ought to fix it.
“Are you really okay?” she said, hoping for a conversation, but Mia just nodded.
Ellie stroked gently. There were little muscles all over Mia’s arms and back that suddenly fascinated Ellie, because she’d been feeling then all night, and was now looking at them.
“Should we talk?” Ellie said, after a while, trying to draw Mia out.
“If you like,” Mia said. “What about?”
Ellie was worried about saying the wrong thing. She didn’t want another misunderstanding. She thought carefully before she spoke. She wanted it to be obvious she wasn’t teasing, so she very carefully didn’t say she was surprised Mia would talk because of how usually Mia didn’t, and she didn’t say how the fuck was it not obvious what they should talk about. She didn’t say anything clever at all.
All she said was, “I wondered if maybe you did.”
And Mia shrugged.
“People sometimes like to talk,” Ellie said, starting to feel silly. “After they do things like that.”
Mia looked at her and finally grinned. “Do they?”
“Well I wouldn’t know,” Ellie said, suddenly abandoning the idea of not being funny. “Because of how I never have before. You tell me.”
Mia looked at her for a moment. “Do you want to talk?”
“Only if you do.”
“Do you?”
Ellie shrugged.
Mia was thinking. She seemed to be getting back to being herself. “We don’t have to,” she said, which felt a lot more like her.
“I kind of meant, are you okay too?” Ellie said.
Mia nodded. “Yep. Of course. Are you?”
“I’m fine.”
Mia looked at her again. “Not horrified?” she said. “Not too surprised by what you just did?”
Ellie shook her head.
“Really not? Or just embarrassed to tell me because it’s all my fault.”
Ellie smiled. “Really not.”
“Oh,” Mia said, and seemed surprised. “Good.”
“I’ve had a bit of time to get used to it,” Ellie said. “And I kind of assumed about tonight, that we would, when you picked me up.”
“Yeah,” Mia said, and nodded. She seemed to be thinking about what Ellie had said. She looked as though she was about to say something important and profound, something Ellie needed to hear, except that before she could, she suddenly thought about something else.
Quite suddenly, she said, “Shit, I picked you up.”
“Yeah.”
“Your car’s still at your work.”
“Oh. Yep.”
“Do you need a ride back? Or home?”
Ellie thought for a moment, then shook her head. “It’s fine. I’ll get a taxi.”
“I don’t mind.”
“I do,” Ellie said. “I don’t want Mark knowing yet.”
Ellie said it, then wondered if that was a terrible thing to say. Mia was looking at her, like she wasn’t sure either, and Ellie just didn’t know. She didn’t know the rules of politeness now, and she didn’t know how to explain why she didn’t want Mark knowing, because she didn’t really know what this was for Mark not to know about. She didn’t know what this was, and was suddenly nervous about calling it something that Mia didn’t think it was, about making too big a deal of a little sex, and looking silly.
“I don’t want him knowing anything,” she said quickly. “Knowing that we did.”
Mia nodded. “Yeah, fair enough. I can still drop you at work, though, if you want.”
“Nah,” Ellie said. “I think I want to, you know, make a dramatic exit.”
And Mia grinned. She grinned, and seemed to get it, and looked mostly like herself again, except that she still seemed a little sad.
Ellie didn’t quite understand the sad. Mia seemed to be done with sex, and Mia only wanted sex, so Ellie wasn’t sure why Mia cared she was leaving.
Ellie thought. She thought carefully about what this was, and how it was complicated, and what Mia might be feeling. She thought about how this must be for Mia, and all the things she might be worried Ellie would do. Shriek and run off in horror being just the start. Ellie thought about things that Mia might suddenly be worrying about, now they’d stopped and this was their afterwards, and about everything that someone like Ellie might ever have said to Mia at a moment like this that was hurtful or unkind or accidentally cruel.
Suddenly she felt awful for Mia.
Mia was brave to even try and show Ellie this, Ellie thought, to share this with Ellie and risk being told it wasn’t any good. Mia was brave, so Ellie ought to explain what she was feeling, so Mia knew everything was okay.
“Hey,” Ellie said. “I’m really not sure what the worst thing that could happen right now is, like me freaking out and never wanting to speak to you again, but I’m not, okay?”
Mia looked at her.
“I’m into this,” Ellie said. “I want to again.”
“Okay,” Mia said, and seemed relieved.
“I want to tomorrow, if you’d like to,” Ellie said.
Mia grinned.
“Seriously,” Ellie said. “Actually tomorrow, if you’d like to.”
Mia didn’t answer, which disappointed Ellie a little. She’d actually meant it as an offer.
“I need to think,” Ellie said. “I mean, obviously I need to think about some stuff, because this seems like it changes something about me.”
Mia nodded.
“But not think as in yes or no,” Ellie said. “Not think about whether I want to again. I do. I completely do. I just need to go off sometime and sort out what this means about me.”
“Sometime?” Mia said.
“Yeah,” Ellie said. “Eventually.” She looked at Mia, and thought she understood. “Not necessarily before I fuck you again, if that’s what you mean.”
Mia leaned over and kissed her.
“Just so you know,” Ellie said, into Mia’s mouth.
“Thank you.”
“I should go now, though. I mean, get home and get some sleep and everything.”
Mia nodded while they kissed, slowly.
Ellie waited, thinking about her offer to do this again tomorrow, but Mia didn’t seem to have noticed it. Mia wasn’t telling her to come back tomorrow, and Ellie wasn’t sure why. Ellie wanted to, but she didn’t want to demand. She wasn’t ready to demand yet. She wasn’t brave enough.
She kept talking instead.
“Because work and shit,” Ellie said. “It’s late.”
“Yeah.”
“I’ll sleep well,” Ellie said. “Really well.”
Mia kissed her again. Kissed for a little while, all tender and soft. Kissing because she wanted to, not just saying goodbye.
And yet still not asking Ellie back.
Ellie couldn’t ask herself. It was too big and final if Mia said no. She decided to ask something else, to reassure herself. Something silly, except that it wasn’t, because it actually mattered to Ellie.
“Hey,” Ellie said, as casually as she could. “Can I borrow something.”
Mia didn’t seem to care. “Sure.”
“Some undies.”
Mia stopped kissing, and looked at Ellie, and then over at her drawer. “Um, yeah,” Mia said. “Of course. Anything you want.”
She was looking at Ellie, confused. Like she thinking, wondering why Ellie had asked. After a moment Ellie realized how strange that probably sounded. Like she’d got so wet she couldn’t put hers back on or something, which was kind of revolting. Revolting really wasn’t what she’d been aiming for.
“Never mind,” Ellie said. “I just wanted to know if I could.”
“You can.”
“Yep,” Ellie said. “Now I know.”
Ellie kissed Mia again, for a moment. Kissed desperately, trying to make Mia tell her to come back. Mia kissed, but she still didn’t ask.
“I should go,” Ellie said in the end, deciding it wasn’t going to happen.
Mia nodded, and moved enough to let Ellie stand up.
Ellie did. She got the rest of her clothes, and put them on while Mia watched. She called a taxi, and kissed Mia again, and then went to the bedroom door. She’d given up hoping Mia would ask her to come back, and mostly accepted she wasn’t brave enough to ask herself. She was leaving, and Mia was just watching her get ready, and Ellie suddenly wasn’t sure how much of a fuss to make of going.
“Well,” Ellie said. “Bye.”
“Hold on,” Mia said, and started picking up her clothes. As if she’d just decided to. She got dressed and followed Ellie outside and waited with her for a taxi. Mia didn’t talk, but she slid her arm around Ellie as they stood there, and left it there as they waited, and she hugged Ellie and kissed her again as Ellie got in the taxi.
Mostly it felt like friends, Ellie thought, the waiting and the hugging was pretty much as friends. The kiss and the arm around Ellie’s back were something a little more, but Ellie wasn’t quite sure what.
She decided not to worry too much.
She got in the taxi, and waved at Mia, and told the driver where she lived.
There was plenty of time to work it out, Ellie supposed. Mia seemed to want her around, even if Ellie didn’t have a word for what they were doing. Mia liked her, and Ellie liked Mia, and that was enough. She didn’t need to rush to find a word for everything there was between them.
She watched the lights slip past as the taxi took her home, and touched the bruise on her neck, and felt the dryness of her lips, and little sore aches in her arms and legs, and she thought of Mia and was happy and proud.