Something bad had happened to Jacie and Daxson's father. The pain on his face and in his voice made that apparent. Daxson felt responsible and carried the guilt with him. I knew how it felt to have it eat at you. It takes a little piece of you everyday, until one day there won't be anything left.
"You can't live with that guilt, Dax." My fingers curled around his hand as the tears stained his cheeks.
He shook his head. "But I do. I live with it every single day. There's nothing I can do to ever bring them back." His eyes fell to the pattern on the quilt beneath us.
I sighed and shifted closer to him. "I live with guilt every day too. It can be ugly."
Daxson's golden eyes rose to my face. "Your mother?"
My shoulders rose as I inhaled a deep breath. "Mainly. It's nothing in comparison to your situation, but she makes me feel like I'll never be good enough for her. It doesn't matter how hard I try to be her perfect little girl because there will always be another beauty pageant to win, another person to impress, or another pound to lose." I studied Daxson's face.
His presence comforted me. I didn't feel like I had to hide anymore. He was just as vulnerable as me.
"That's why you struggled to eat at Troy's that day. It all makes sense now."
I nodded. "I've been sick for three years now." My fingers rose to trace along my lips. "Throwing up has wreaked havoc on my body. If I go much longer, I could lose my teeth or get ulcers along my throat. I know it's hurting me, but it takes away the guilt. It's my escape."
"You know, you don't have to be the perfect daughter. You shouldn't feel guilty for being yourself." Daxson's slender fingers rubbed along the top of my hand.
"Easier said than done. You don't know my mother. I do it for Caleb. I play the part because he needs me too. If I'm perfect, he doesn't have to be." I gave Daxson a weak smile.
Daxson's eyes darkened. "I understand where you're coming from. I play a part too. My love for football started because of my dad. We'd spend hours out in the yard back home throwing the ball. It didn't matter if I had school the next day. We'd be out in the yard together until three in the morning. He taught me hard work and dedication, which led me to a spot on the high school football team, and eventually, to my scholarship with the Tide." He fought another round of tears. "After he passed, I was broken. I didn't know what to do other than continue to play that part for my mother and my siblings. I was the football star from a small town in Mississippi with enough talent to carry me to a National Championship, and the NFL. I'm going to be the provider for my family. I just wish my dad could be here to see me now. I think he'd be so proud."
I lifted my hand to place it against Daxson's cheek. "He's still proud of you. He might not be physically here, but he's in here." I dropped my hand to touch his strong chest.
"My therapist tells me that too. He says Jacie and my father will always be with me." His jaw locked. "But if it wasn't for her father's hatred, they'd both still be here. They'd still be able to laugh and smile. My father could still watch his kids grow up, and Jacie could still reach for her dreams. She still had so much left to give to the world."
A single tear slid down from his warm, butterscotch eyes. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and pulled him into a hug. Without resistance, he leaned into my body and tightened his arms around my waist.
Bright yellow daffodils danced around us in the breeze. The blue sky radiated streaks of pink and purple as the sun sank behind the tree line. It was hard to admire the beauty when all I could feel was Daxson's pain and suffering. His tears soaked my jersey and left a wetness against my skin.
"I'm sorry they aren't here anymore." I rested my chin against his shoulder as I fought back my own tears and remained silent for a moment. "But you can't blame yourself for what happened forever. You can't live that way."
"You can't keep living the way you are either," he mumbled against my jersey.
Daxson was right. I thought about all the hard times with my mother. The moments she made me feel worthless, or the times she punished Caleb by locking him in his room. The time he threw a tantrum in front of Mrs. Tassie at Piggly Wiggly was the worst. Mother was so embarrassed. She sent him to his room for the rest of the night and part of the next morning. All because she threw his favorite drink out of the buggy.
Her words consumed my thoughts, but for the first time in my life, I didn't panic. I knew the feeling of guilt was all in my head, and it made it less scary - I was stronger for my battle scars. So instead of letting my mother take me down, I told myself everything would be alright. I reminded myself that I was a good person. My heart was full of love, and there was a world full of good people. Fear would only hold me back and stop me from reaching my dreams.
"I've only ever told Jada about what happened."
Daxson's words brought me from my thoughts. He leaned away from me and wiped his tears along the sleeve of his shirt. His hands clasped together in front of him as he rested his elbows against his knees.
That was her reason for hating me in the hallway that day.
"I know it must be hard for you. I can't imagine losing someone I love." I stared down at my hands and picked at my fingernail polish. If I ever lost Caleb, I don't want to even think about what I'd do. Daxson was stronger than he realized because he was still here.
"The worst part is, Ally, I lost them because of Jacie's father. He didn't approve of his daughter dating a black guy. Her father hated me. He thought I was messing with her head, that I was only with her for sex. He believed I wanted to corrupt her." His teeth ground together as his hands curled into tight fists. "She said he'd always been a little racist, but we figured once he saw how happy we were, he'd change his mind. Come to find out, his hatred only grew which led to his recruitment as a member of the White Knights of Mississippi. A black man's worst enemy. The Ku Klux Klan."
As old and ancient as the Ku Klux Klan sounded, I knew they were still very real. One time, my mother took Caleb and I to town so she could shop for groceries. Caleb loved playing on the small horse ride outside of Piggly Wiggly so while my mother was inside, I stayed outside with Caleb. That was the first day I saw them march through the streets. Their signs and white robes were ingrained in my mind forever.
"Did Jacie not know?"
Daxson shook his head. "Like I said, she knew he was a racist, but she didn't realize how deep his hatred ran."
It reminded me of my family. They flaunted what they wanted the world to see, but behind closed doors, that's where they hid the dirtiest secrets.
"When did you first realize it?" I asked.
"I had gone off for my freshman year at college, but Jacie won homecoming queen her senior year. I came home to walk her onto the field. Jacie looked beautiful that night, and we were happy to get to spend time together. But her father threatened us at halftime. He said he'd kill me if I came close to his daughter or came home again." He sighed as he dug the toe of his shoe into the quilt. "We didn't take him seriously. Not until it was too late."
"He did more than threaten you."
"He wasn't just a member of the Klan, but he was specifically recruited as a member of the Klan's Wrecking Crew. He took action with the crew on October fourteenth. I was a thousand miles away, preparing to play one of the biggest games of my life." He hung his head and sucked in a deep breath. "My father had to prepare for his church sermon on Sunday, and my mother wouldn't have time to get my little sister ready in time to make the drive into town. So Jacie, of course, said it wouldn't be a problem to drop my brothers off at our house after their tutoring session. She'd do anything to help even if it wasn't convenient for her. Jacie was one of the most selfless, loving people I've ever met."
Each of Daxson's words were filled with a raw pain, but also love. The way he said Jacie's name sent chills down my spine. She must have been a special girl to have had him so head-over-heels for her.
He placed his fingers on each side of his nose as he fought the tears again. "The Wrecking Crew sealed the doors and windows shut. Then, they set fire to my parent's house with Jacie and my whole family inside. My mother broke the seal on the door in time to watched them drive away while my father and Jacie sacrificed themselves to save my siblings from the burning house."
I sat back onto the quilt to give Daxson some space. My heart broke into smaller pieces with each addition to his story. Our country is one of the most diverse in the world, but there is still such a strong divide. Only when people start to see past the color of someone's skin or the place they were born will we be able to start a difficult healing process.
"He set fire to a house his own daughter was in," I whispered breathlessly, unable to fully process the meaning of my words.
Daxson nodded. "My father didn't make it out of the house that night, but Jacie did. She carried my little sister outside before she collapsed. She was in critical condition for a week with fourth degree burns. I returned home from my game and stayed by her side in the hospital until the day she could no longer breathe on her own." His eyes lifted to watch me. "Her father never showed."
I took his hand in mine. "You're a good guy, Daxson. There's nothing you could have done differently." My lips pursed. "I was always told God has a plan. So, maybe he had a plan for Jacie. Her time here was short, but you got to be apart of it."
Daxson turned his hand over so that our palms touched. "You remind me of her."
"I do?"
"You do. When I bumped into you in the hallway, it was like seeing a ghost. You have the same attitude on life as Jacie did. Plus, you both have dark hair." He finally flashed a small smile.
My insides melted when he smiled at me. Every ounce of breath was taken from my lungs in an instant.
"So, maybe God does have a plan."
Daxson shrugged before relaxing back onto his hands. "I've always been religious. I was raised in the home of a pastor, but after their deaths I resented God. I didn't understand why it wasn't me. Why didn't he take me from the world instead of them?"
I tucked my hair behind my ear. "It wasn't your time."
"Exactly. It took me a while to come to grips with that fact, but I realized I still have things to accomplish. I still have time to do the things that my father and Jacie couldn't do. That's when I started therapy. I've come a long way, but I still have a ways to go before I'm healed." He glanced out to the water of the pond.
"Speaking of your therapy—" I studied his face as he turned to look at me again, "—I want to go with you tomorrow. I think you're right. It'll benefit me."
A bright smile appeared on Daxson's lips. "I'm glad you've finally come to your senses."
I rolled my eyes and pushed his leg so that his elbows fell from his knees. "Shut up."
He laughed as we both glanced up. The light of day had drained from the sky. The evening sent the birds to their roosts and the crickets to sing in the swaying grasses around us. Trees became silhouettes against the purple and pink hues of the horizon. The cloudless sky promised an unfettered view of the heavens. We sat in silence for a long time.
"Did anything ever happen to him, to Jacie's father, I mean?" I asked.
Daxson shook his head. "No."
"How is that possible?"
"We live in a world where people will look the other direction if something doesn't affect them." He sighed. "It's just a sad truth."
I couldn't even list all the times on the news where I'd seen a police officer get away with shooting someone because they claimed 'self-defense.' The victim's families would forever suffer. Just like Daxson, they'd never get justice. Should I tell him that my parents are racist? My stomach churned at the thought of revealing that secret to him after everything he had told me. To tell him could mean to lose him. The thought of losing Daxson scared me to death. My lips remained sealed.
"The stars are always so beautiful in the country," he whispered, tilting his head up to get a better view of the sky.
"You can see them all. The lights in the city usually hide them." I tilted my head back to stare up at the sea of twinkling stars.
"I take walks late at night on campus just so I can see the stars sometimes."
I glanced at him from the corner of my eye. "Is that why you were out so late that night you saved me?"
"Yeah." His features became serious. "I had just met you, but I wanted to save you because it's what Jacie would have done."
My fingers brushed along his arm. "Why are you such a good guy?"
Daxson tilted his head back down. His eyes stared into my soul like they always did when he really looked at me. Through the darkness, I really looked at him as well. His blonde curls that looked the best when they were messy. The curve of his shoulders beneath his black t-shirt. The tattoos that ran along his arms. His lips that curved into a soft smile. I knew he didn't feel for me in the same way I felt for him, but I couldn't resist. I leaned in a little closer until our breath mingled in the air. My eyes fluttered closed, but his warm breath mingled with mine in the space between us. I couldn't fight the thoughts racing through my mind. One kiss. I wanted one kiss. My lips tilted toward his, but I hesitated.
One kiss could change everything. Were either of us ready for that?
The hesitation made Daxson pull away and clear his throat. "What's your favorite constellation?" His eyes wandered back to the sky.
I stared down at my hands as I tried to recollect my thoughts. "Pegasus, because I always wanted a horse." My breath was shaky.
Did we just miss our moment? Or maybe we saved ourselves from heartbreak.
Daxson laughed as he turned to look at me. "Would you name your horse Pegasus?"
"No," I scoffed. "I'd name him Remington."
He raised an eyebrow. "Like the shotguns?"
I nodded. "It's what my father always used when we went duck hunting."
"A horse named Remington." He laughed and it shook his whole body.
"What's so funny?" I asked.
"Nothing. You just keep me on my toes." He pushed himself from the ground.
I watched him as he held his hands out to me. "What's your favorite constellation?"
"Perseus. He saved Andromeda and his mother." He shrugged his shoulders as he pulled me from the quilt and spun me around.
Daxson had saved me in more ways than one. To me, he was a hero.
I laughed as he stopped me at the end of the spin. "I could see that." My hands rested on his arms as we swayed back and forth to no music.
"Am I that predictable?" He asked, flashing a white smile through the darkness.
"No, not at all actually. You're pretty spontaneous."
A lightening bug lit up beside his head. I followed its path through the air until it lit up again and I snatched at it. Daxson stepped away from me and raised an eyebrow. I opened my hands to show him the small bug as it crawled along my palm, flashing a few times.
"Caleb loves trying to catch lightening bugs." I blew the bug in my hand, and it took off into the air.
"Trying to?"
I giggled at the sweet memories of my brother squealing when the bugs touched his hands. "Yeah, trying. He loved the thought of catching them, but it freaked him out when he actually did."
Daxson laughed again as his hand lunged forward to grab another bug from the air. "Sounds a lot like my little sister. My brothers and I would always mess with her when we were younger. We'd pretend to throw bugs on her and run away. It'd make her so mad." He shook his head and opened his hands to show me the lightening bug. "She'd go tell Momma, and well, of course we'd get in trouble."
"Boys." I rolled my eyes.
"Girls are never any fun," he teased, releasing the lightening bug back into the air.
If I was still following my mother's rules, I wouldn't be any fun either, but those days were behind me.
"You obviously haven't met the right girls." I batted my eyelashes at him and took off at a run toward the pond.
Daxson chased after me, but his feet were so light on the ground the only warning I had was the swoosh of air as he scooped me up. I should've known I didn't stand a chance at outrunning a football player.
He tossed me over his shoulder and laughed. "That's not fun, that's crazy, Ally. You have no idea what's in that water. Plus, the mosquitos will eat you alive if you get close."
The quiet hum beside my head caused me to swat at my ear. "I grew up in the South. I'm not scared of some mosquitos."
Daxson shook his head as he carried me back over to the quilt. "I'm not scared of them either, but I'd rather not get bitten." He set me down and took a sit beside me.
My phone buzzed in my pocket and forced me to pull it out. It was a call from Caleb.
I looked to Daxson. "It's my brother."
"Go ahead." He laid back on the quilt and rested his hands on his stomach.
I answered the phone. "Hey, Caleb."
It had been a few days since I'd heard Caleb's voice. "H-Hi, Allyson. I was w-wondering when you were c-comi... going to be home. I m-miss you very much."
"Aw. I miss you too, but I still have like three months left in this semester at school. I'll be home at Thanksgiving during my break." I glanced at Daxson who lay still beside me.
"That's s-so far away." He couldn't hide the sadness in his voice.
I sighed. "I know it is, but you have to stay strong. What are you doing tonight?"
"I'm drawing. Mom and Dad invited the J-Jones, over. I h-hi... slapped Mr. J-Jones on the arm when he tried to sit in my seat. Momma got m-mad at me and sent me to my room." The phone clattered on the other end of the line.
The anger flared inside me. My mother set Caleb up for failure by not telling the Jones' where Caleb sat at the table. I knew she did. She wanted an excuse for him to not be at dinner. Daxson noticed my frustration and sat up beside me.
"Everything good?"
I nodded as I let out a sigh. "You know, you aren't supposed to slap people, Caleb."
"B-But he sat in my s-sea... my place, Allyson. That's my spot."
Daxson raised an eyebrow. "Put it on speaker."
Caleb's voice drew me back to the phone. "What are you d-doing tonight?" He asked.
"Put it on speaker," Daxson repeated again.
I raised an eyebrow before clicking the speaker button. "I'm hanging out with Daxson tonight. We caught some lightening bugs, and I was telling him about how we used to do it back home."
"Hey, Caleb. How're you doing, buddy?" Daxson chimed in with a smile.
There was a sudden change in Caleb's voice. "Oh, D-Daxson! I turn on my l-light every night by m-myself since you helped me."
"Hey, that's great. I told you that you could do it." Daxson shifted to lay on his side and propped his head up on his elbow.
"Why don't you tell Daxson about your drawings?" I asked, making eye contact with Daxson.
"I'm drawing I-Iron Man suits. He's my favorite M-Marvel character." Caleb shuffled papers on the other side of the phone. "One day, I'll have to s-sho... let you see them."
"I'd love that, buddy. Iron Man is one of my favorites too. Tony Stark is super smart." Daxson's eyes never left me.
"He is. I want t-to study electrical engineering and physics just like him one d-day."
Daxson's eyes lit up at my brother's dreams. "You can do it. You're a smart kid. MIT has a great program. I think it's the same one that Tony Stark went through."
"I k-know. That's where I'm going to go to college. D-Daxson, are you in college w-with my sister?" Caleb asked.
Daxson grinned through the darkness. "Yes, sir I am. I play football for the college."
"Are you good? Allyson always loved football. Maybe you could t-tea... help her out with some stuff."
I laughed. "Caleb! I'm not that bad."
"Don't worry, Caleb. I'll definitely teach her some things. She'll be a professional the next time you see her." Daxson laughed.
I smacked Daxson's leg hard with the palm of my hand. Damn, he gets my goose sometimes.
"Good. I want her to be h-happy. She deserves it."
They continued to chat away as I held the phone in my hand. Their words faded to the back of my mind. I'd never heard Caleb talk so willingly to a stranger before Daxson, but they talked like they had been friends for years. It made my heart swell with happiness.
I'd always been told that happiness was like soda. It's sweet and doesn't last long, so you have to enjoy it before it goes flat.
So, that's what I did.