And just like F. Scott Fitzgerald said, life was beginning over again, this time, with the spring.
“Summer is still coming with us to Seoul.” Lorraine says her voice distant. Though I can’t see her expression I know that even with her distant voice she still feels sad for me. I just nodded. What’s there to lose anyway? The moment I started this lie is the moment I already lost Summer.
Day and night I tried hard to erase her. Each time I dream I try to touch her only to wake up with the realization that no matter what I do, it is I who gave up on her first. And that mere fact made her all the more hard to reach.
I remember those times when I watch her unnoticed from outside her windowsill. Every time I secretly go home from military service I try to stop myself from thinking of her. I was scared of a fact that if I did see her I would not want to go back. But I always end up watching her by her window. Just basking in that moment when she’s completely unaware of my gaze and how much I wishes that I can just stay there with her forever.
“She wants to try it again with Jonathan.” Lorraine continues. I tried to remember her words but it feels like it is said a long time ago.
I wait for that familiar tinge of pain that accompanies the memory but somehow, in that instant, words had already lost its meaning.
“That’s great.” I mutter, no cloud of hesitation formed in my throat now. I am willing to let her go. Quite sorry for the fact that, all this time I longed to make her happy, this time I wasn’t the one she needed to do so.
I am now on the final stage and that is to accept whatever it is that I’ve done. The things I regret didn’t matter anymore because there is someone else who can make her feel how wrong it is to still choose to be with me.
“Harry you need to be strong.” For the first time Lorraine touches my hand. It isn’t that long squeeze that gives you warmth, only a soft flutter right above my arm and I genuinely believe that she means it.
“Of course.” I answer, convincing myself that those memories of Summer and I has long been gone and lost.
“Plus you need to be there for my wedding. I don't care whether we drag you on your way there.”
I move my head in her direction and help myself sit straight in my bed.
“You’re getting married?”
She laughs. “Crazy isn’t it? Stephan asked me. Just two days before the news that you’re dead.”
“I’m sorry that I ruined it for both of you.”
“We’re both relieved though, that you’re alive.”
We are both silent for a while
But then again maybe I can still hope for that day when she stands by my doorstep and still accept me. That day might not come but I’ll wait.
“You’re not planning on waiting for her, are you?” she knew I will, but she finishes the sentence off as a question rather than a statement.
Before I can answer a loud knock came on the door, then I heard Lorraine mention Stephan’s name.
“Harry!” he says breathless. “We’re leaving, I just talked to your mom, she said if you want you can continue therapy there. And you can live with---“ he did not get the chance to finish his sentence. I know for a fact that Lorraine already nudged him hard on the arm or any part of his body. Stephan wants me to be with Summer. Lorraine wants the opposite.
“That is if you want.” He adds, still trying to convince me, it’s a good thing I cannot see Lorraine’s deathly stares at Stephan. This way, I can’t pretend not to see and not feel bad about it.
In last night’s dream I saw myself running out of my campsite tightly holding the locket, when all of a sudden it slipped out of my hands and I tried to look for it, I did, but it was too late to run away from that other thing that landed in front of me, something already exploded somewhere near me. I woke up with beads of sweat forming in my forehead.
Lorraine and Stephan already left hours ago and I’m left here relieving what happened just before Lorraine arrived.
After waking up from that dream I blindly searched through the first drawer on my bedside table. I felt a box and quickly grabbed it. I didn’t have a hard time opening it now unlike before, and I felt the locket in my hands.
I remember sleeping again after that, this time I dreamt of Summer. Her long black hair. Her small, half moon eyes. Her shy and sweet smile. I close my eyes and traced her face, I felt her soft skin just beneath my fingertips. My fingers searched her eyes, her nose, her lips and I wonder how can one person trace it easily even with eyes closed.
I woke up when I was about to touch my lips with hers. It is only in my dreams that I can touch her. And during these times I forget that it was I who abandoned and lied to her.
Despite my blindness I am quite satisfied that at least I can still see Summer perfectly in my dreams. I, after all, already have her memorized.
In my dreams I can touch her. In my dreams I can embrace her. In my dreams I can see her crystal clear. In my dreams she is mine. That’s enough.
I remember Lorraine’s last words before they left, “It’s not that I’m asking you to stay away from her forever." If that’s what she truly meant then I do not understand a word she say.“I just want you to lie low for a while. Let her choose on her own without having to think of you. After all she spent almost all of it worrying and thinking about you.”
She’s right. But she doesn’t know about one thing, had I not come back for the locket that held Summer’s picture, I would have had my sight. I would have been on that train on the 21st of September rushing towards Summer. But I did. And my life hasn’t been the same.
If anything else, I spent all my life just thinking about Summer too.
So, for all it’s worth, I’ll wait.
I’ll wait forever.