Chapter 10
Remembering Him
I never thought I would be going down memory lane of all my exes. Kammeron says its for the best; I say I'm completely losing my mind as I go deeper and deeper into what was. She was right, I bottled up every past relationship I ever had. They all took a bad turn, what else was there to do? There was no way in hell I was going to deal with all of that emotional turmoil I had going on. All the tears I should have shed a week after those breakups- I didn't. I made myself distractions, things to keep me off of my disturbing love life that always took a turn for the worst. Maybe I was wrong for brewing up a distraction at the moment, cause now its just kicking me in the ass. Every emotion that I have ever bottled in and kept inside, is slowly piercing my heart and killing me. If I could take it back, I would. But the past can't be undone and my feelings can't kill themselves, but I'm sure they're having fun killing me internally. -Tee
"So....Tee. Last one." Kammeron implied slowly
"...yeah...I know.."
"And I'm assuming the last one is Demetrius." Akemi started
I looked down in desperation. The last thing I want to do is unfold the story of Demetrius. The one who I thought was the one. Who I thought would never leave me or fuck me over. Would never lie, never cheat. But I was wrong-beyond wrong.
"Teanna you don't have to tell us if you don't want to. I think you went through enough and said enough for today." Akemi inquired with sympathetic eyes
Kammeron snapped her neck, "No."
"What do you mean no Kammy? Look at her. She's freaking in emotional pain. You want this for her? "
"No I don't, but if she doesn't let go now then when Akemi? These are emotions from then; what was. Not what is...she has been hurting herself for the past years, she's just been that good at covering it up with the next dude no one knew. No one knew-but him."
"And whose him?" Akemi asked confused of Kammeron's question
I sighed, "Demetrius."
"So you were keeping everything in, and when D came along he did some mojo Jojo on you and you spilled about your love life? " Akemi questioned
I love this girl but she asks not the brightest questions for #1 in our graduating class.
I scoffed, shaking my head, "No. Just let me explain. Let me explain everything that happened. Everything from the beginning."
So it was April 2011 I was doing my same old routine; distracting myself from what was. Castiel called, texted, emailed-but I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to feel what I felt when he left right from under me. So I went to practice and did double practice, double homework to keep my mind off of him. Off of love. Call me wrong but I just wanted to protect myself and no one else. Clearly no one can protect me but me.
So it was after practice I was in the outdoor lounging area with Kammeron and Carter, waiting for Jasen to get out of practice. I had my headphones in and I was caught in a daze. I kept replaying what happened two months before. I was left, he was gone, and now I'm here suffering.
I was snatched out of my trance by Kammeron shaking my hand,
"Teanna! Can you stop with the daydreams, you're really starting to creep me out."
I shook my head letting out a large sigh, "Sorry Kam, I'm just still- I'm just tired alright."
I looked out into the open space as I felt Carter grab my hand,
"Hey...Tee. Look at me..come on, right at me"
I turned my head connecting eyes with him, "Are you okay? Seriously? "
I looked down trying to convince my conscience that I was okay and I was doing fine.
With his index finger, Carter lifted my chin and my eyes were watering,
"No Carter, I'm really not."
He pulled me in and I cried in his shoulder. I cried and I cried hard. Not caring that I was out in the open, in public space during midday. I didn't care who was there and I didn't care about what they had to say. I just wanted this pain gone.
I closed my eyes, bringing my body closer to Carter and cuddling my head into his neck. The feeling was comforting. His large arms around me, the sound of his voice clearing my mind, and the feel of his breath warming my heart. It couldn't be anymore pleasant at the time.
"Its gonna be okay Tee...I promise" he whispered in my ear
There was a moment of silence in the area for a while. But that was over till the football team was released.
I turned my head so I could see what was in front of me, still cuddled with Carter. Jasen came to the table and dropped his gym bag. Extremely hyper and happy.
"Wassup brodies" he semi-yelled
Carter motioned it wasn't the time and or place for his loudness. His facial expression changed and he brought his attention to me.
"Let's go. Carter take Kammeron home please. You, with me. Right now."
I rolled my eyes
"No problem bro. Let's go Kam." Carter grabbed his bag and started for the parking lot
Kam came over to me and kissed my forehead, "It'll be okay sweetie. It all takes time. Don't let Jasen scare you. He just wants to protect you. We all do"
With that she gave me a weak smile and followed Carter off to his car
Looking up, I met eyes with a not so happy Jasen.
"Let's go Teanna."
I let out a grunt, snatched my stuff and followed him to his car. I dropped my stuff in the trunk and plopped in the passenger seat. I knew what I was in for and with Jasen it wasn't going to be short and sweet.
"Can I just get this speech so you can drop me home" I scoffed
"Oh you think you're going home? You are staying over my place tonight. I just asked Tevin to bring you what you need. We're going to deal with this tonight."
I turned my head looking at him with an annoyed expression,
"Well what if I don't want to deal with it tonight Jasen..."
"Well what if I don't care Teanna" he replied with a kick of sass.
"Ugh! You're not even my blood brother."
"And I'm supposed to care? I'm like family to you, you know that. As far as I'm concerned you are my little sister. I protect you when and where Tevin can't. And I give you speeches when you deserve them."
"Whatever"
I stared out the window irked at Jasen and fed up with his crap. I just wanted to get to his house and get this stupid speech. I stared out the window long enough to fall asleep. Thank God, no idea how I was gonna deal with Jasen awake.
We reached the house and the last thing I wanted to do was walk in; but it was either that or the porch and I like a warm bed.
We walked into the house and into the living room. There was a dark skinned, muscular, tall looking guy sitting on the couch in a long sleeved thermal and sweats. He directed his attention towards us.
"Oh wassup D. My fault I forgot I had to run through plays with you" Jasen started. Apologizing as he walked to his friend to dap him up.
"Its cool. Don't worry about it. Your mom let me in. She told me to tell you, don't forget about your sisters; who are upstairs asleep by the way. Something about you're aunts house."
"Oh shit! I'm just forgetting everything today. I gotta take them to my aunts house for the night. Um...well this is Teanna. You two think ya can chill till I get back. I really gotta take them."
I interrupted, "Good then you can take me home"
Jasen gave me an evil glare, "You leave this house; I'll make sure to irk your nerves till you can't take it anymore. Really, be my guest; let's see what happens"
I dropped myself on the couch grunting,
"Asshole"
He grabbed his two little sisters putting them in car and grabbing his jacket from the couch. He kissed my forehead, "Don't miss me too much" he joked.
"Die then come back Jasen."I stated blankly
He laughed waking out of the door
There was pure silence between me and this total stranger I had no clue of. I didn't know him and I didn't want to know him. As far as I'm concerned he's irrelevant.
I stared at the wall trying to put myself in a daze or put myself to sleep if better. The silence was killing me, but I wasn't about to start conversation with someone I didn't know; at least not in the emotional state I'm in now. I decided I was going to just leave the living room and go to the kitchen; the awkwardness wasn't doing me well.
I began getting up from the couch, about to make my way to the kitchen when the silence was interrupted.
"Hey! Teanna..." He semi-yelled
I turned my head to him, "Yeah.."
"I didn't really get to formally introduce myself. Its Demetrius, but everyone calls me D" he smiled weakly with his hand out.
I took his hand, greeting him, "Teanna, but people call me-never mind. Its just Teanna to you."
I started to hear and feel the intensity in my voice
He was taken back, "I'm sorry...I'm not too sure of what I did wrong for you to give me that tone of voice. But I'm sorry for it."
I rolled my eyes looking up at the ceiling with sighs of depression. I took my seat next to him.
"Don't apologize to me. I'm just going through and trying to deal with what was."
"Well what happened? Maybe I can help" he smiled widely
"No offense, but I don't even know you. Who you are? Where you came from? How do I know I can trust you anyway?" I protested
"Oh...trust issues. I'm not too surprised. Sometimes, every now and again, what a person needs to talk to is a stranger. A stranger won't pity and baby you like your friends and family. A stranger doesn't care about the truth they tell you because its not supposed to make you feel good. Its only supposed to make you wiser. But I mean...you don't want to tell a complete stranger your problems, because you have boy issues."
I looked at him suspiciously, "How do you know I have boy issues?"
"Let's be real, you clearly have a family with both parents; no way you have daddy or Mommy issues. Judging by the way Jasen treats you, I'm sure you have few friends that treat you the same way, that care-so friend issues are out the window. The only thing left is the male gender. I.e. boys"
I rolled my eyes, "Your point?"
He laughed, "My point is that you should tell me what's wrong. I'm sure I can help you."
"Fine."
He smiled, "So tell me, who or should I say whom made you like this?"
"Well...my first boyfriend from freshman year, he was an asshole. He swore that loved me and I was his one and only. Bought me what I wanted, never hurt me, never cheated. Or at least that's what I thought. On my fifteenth birthday we broke up. He tried to take my virginity but I didn't let him. He claimed he only wanted me for some sex and he thought I would give in that day. He said no one would ever love me and that I was pretty much useless. He had another chick while he was with me and I was pretty much nothing to him."
He grabbed my hand, rubbing it slowly, "Sorry..."
I gave him a blank stare, "No biggie."
"You aren't like most girls, most girls cry talking about this."
"That brings me to my next boyfriend, the summer going into sophomore year. I gotten over my last but the emotional turmoil was still there. I never really cried after that beak up, I just started working out a lot and keeping myself busy. My next met me by running me over with his bike. I was running and I fell and got ran over. It was him, we talked and were together all the time after that moment. But two months ago, he left, his dad got re-stationed in California, all the way across the country. He told me I was his forever and he was coming back. Whenever I think about him, the night he left just plays over and over in my head. And that's all I went through. Two relationships that went downhill."
I stared at him with no emotion.
"Teanna you don't need anyone to talk to do you?"
I looked at him getting teary eyed
"You need someone to cry to..."
I nodded my head with my tears running down my cheeks. He laid his body on the couch and he signaled me to lay with him. I crawled to him, laying on his chest bawling to him.
As I was releasing my emotions he spoke to me softly, "You can't let your past run your present. For your past is what was and your present is what is. You have to be able to let go of them. They left you and they are gone. I really don't believe they are sitting in their own pity because of what was. After today you should no longer feel pain from the past. There will be a guy that will love you and never leave you. He will never give you excuses or hurt you purposely. But he will take time to come, and you'll never know who he is if you keep this guard up. Don't let this change you."
I stopped my tears and I looked up at him, "Thank you...I feel...good."
"Good. Tomorrow you should wake up a new person. This weight should be off of your shoulders." He smiled at me
I gave him a weak smile back and laid my head over his heart. It was comforting and warming, no idea what it was with me and strangers, but I always end up close to them. At this point, my mentality has changed.
I feel asleep on him, and that was one of the best naps I ever had in a long time. I heard the door open, assuming it was Jasen. My eyes were still closed, I didn't want him to know I was awake. He walked over to us,
"What in the world were these two doing?" He questioned in disbelief
He shook Demetrius till he woke up.
Demetrius groaned, "Whatttt????"
"D wake up!"
"Oh my fault Jasen. Wassup."
"Wassup? Nigga you tell me! You laying here cuddled up with my practically baby sister."
"No...she was telling me what was wrong with her and she cried it all out. Gave her a small pep talk and she's good now. You'll see tomorrow."
Jasen stated in relief, "Wow. I'm surprised she even let you talk to her. As long as she's good I'm good."
He laughed, "She's good don't worry. She's a good girl, she deserves better."
"Are you looking to be that someone?"
"Naw...I wanna be a friend before I ever think about that. I don't wanna be like the rest."
"Well help me take her upstairs so we can run through these plays."
"Wow...he was a good guy. He didn't start off like the rest." Akemi stated
I smiled a little, "He really was. We were all friends, and we did everything together. Well mostly everything."
"Teanna!" Demetrius cried out
I laughed in humor. We were at the beach on a Saturday. I took his phone and was hovering it over the water.
"Teanna I swear if you drop my phone I will kill you."
I laughed, "Oh so we're threatening now?"
He rolled his eyes in annoyance
"Ask nicely and I'll give it back. Promise."
"Teanna may you please give me back my phone." He asked nonchalantly
I threw it at him
"Thank you."
We walked over to the rest of the crew and sat on the blankets laid out over the sand.
"Oh you done crying for your phone?" Kammeron joked
Demetrius flipped the finger out to her
"You two ready for your spring game on Monday." I asked directing my attention to Jasen and D.
They both groaned
Carter laughed, "What happened to ball is life?"
"Ball is life." Jasen started
"Its just with a coach like ours...ball can be tiring." D finished
Kam giggled, "Poor babies."
"We're ready though. This would have been my first game since I got here..." Demetrius stated
Kam furrowed her brows, "What do you mean would have?"
Demetrius looked away starting at the water. I grabbed his face,
"What did you do?" I questioned
He shrugged me off of him moving his face, "I'm failing algebra 2. If I don't pass my test on Monday I can't play in the game. I need a C in the class I have a D. If I don't get at least a B on the test I can kiss Monday nights game goodbye."
"I'll tutor you." I suggested
Kam implied, "I mean in two days? Not even, one day. Today is practically over."
"I did it before. I helped Jasen bring up a grade a day before a game."
He interrupted, "Yeah she tutored me in Bio and I got an A on the test. I went from an F to a C."
"Please tutor me. I wanna play on Monday." Demetrius whined.
"Okay okay. I'll tutor you. Just come over after you get cleaned up."
"Okay you guys went to the beach...so what?" Akemi scoffed
Again I love this girl but her questions...
"It wasn't about the beach Akemi. It was about what happened after..." I replied
Kammeron interrupted, "She would tell you if you stopped asking all these damn retarded ass questions...shit!"
Akemi sat back in her seat, "Okay...sheesh. Say no more."
Kammeron smiled, "You can continue now."
Just when I thought Kammeron was a handful, Akemi came along
So I was in the shower cleaning every nook and cranny that I thought had sand in it. I had D coming any minute and I wanted to be clean. I already had snacks in the kitchen for when he came. My brother was out with his friends and my parents were about to take my little brother to the mall to get some gear for his track meet coming up. While I was in the shower, I was thinking about how far I've come. I went from emotionally scarred to the exact opposite. I was happy everyday, and that was something no guy that was can take away from me. I finally let go of the past, and that was all because of him.
I let the hot water run and pierce my skin for a little while longer till I shut it off. I hopped out, wrapped my towel around my body, and started for my room. Opening my room door, I looked straight ahead to see Demetrius, looking at pictures posted on my wall above my vanity.
I cleared my throat and he snapped his head in my direction, "Oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean to invade your space. Your family left, and I was coming in."
I laughed, "Stop apologizing to me. You didn't do anything."
I walked to my dresser grabbing my shorts and a fitted thermal to wear.
"I can step out if you want..."
"Its okay. You don't have to."
I turned around facing my mirror as I dropped my towel and let it hit the floor. I put on my panties, followed by my shorts and shirt. I saw him watch me with every move I made. As if he was examining my body with his eyes. I smirked on the inside because he must like what he sees. But we're just friends, it can't be beyond that can it?
I turned around hopping onto my bed, "Let's get started!"
"Let's!" He replied with a grin
Three hours of tutoring and he got it. He finally got it. I was gonna shoot myself literally because he was driving me up the wall. Overall he's ready for his test.
"Well you're ready." I gave him a smile
"Yes! I can play on Monday!"
I laughed, "Someones' excited."
"I have the right to be. Let me put these books away."
He moved the books from my bed to the shelf and laid his body on my bed next to mine. He looks me in my eyes, "Thank Teanna. I couldn't have done this without you."
"Its no biggie. Don't mention it."
He leaned over me and planted a kiss on my cheek. He stared deep into my eyes leaning in, kissing my lips. His lips were warm and soft, and I couldn't help but notice how I wasn't pulling away. I was shocked, but I liked it. I kissed him back, pulling him on top of me, wrapping my legs around him. His kisses moved down to my neck, moving his up my shirt. The heat of the moment was impeccable, and I never thought thus would ever happen; especially with him.
We both pulled away, with our foreheads touching staring into each others eyes, "Demetrius...why?"
"Because I like you. I like being with you, chilling with you, holding you. I like the way you pull a fit when you get mad, your intelligence, and mentality. I didn't want to be like all those other guys and jump into a relationship with you once I met you. I wanted to be friends first. I wanted to know you inside out before I could call you mine. I want to be able to tell my friends that my best friend became my girlfriend. So I was patient with you, and I waited till this day."
"And what is this day?"
"The day I ask you to be my girlfriend..."
Tears began to form in my eyes, but this time, they were tears of joy.
"Yes." I replied with a smile.
He cuffed my face in his hands and kissed me passionately. This time I knew he was the one, and there was no way this would end.
"Awwwww. He was so sweet." Akemi started
"Yeah...for the time being."Kam added
"So when did Kammy, Carter, and Jasen find out?"
Kam laughed, "The next day! After church"
We were all at Kammeron's house about to have Sunday dinner lounging in her room
"So let me get this straight..." Kam started
"You two are...together?"
We both answered in unison, "Yes"
"And you both agreed to this relationship?" Carter questioned
"Yes"
"And you both are gonna do your part to make sure no one gets hurt?"
"Yes!"
I added in annoyance, "Are we done playing 21 questions? Shit!"
"We're just making sure that this is what you two want. Specifically you Teanna." Kammeron stated
"Its what I want guys. We'll be fine."
He grabbed my hand as we kissed each others lips.
Carter informed harshly, "If you fuck up once, your ass is grass. You may be my boy but when it comes to Tee, no nigga will hurt her and not be dealt with. So I suggest your treat her well, or you answer to me and 3 other men. Clear?"
Demetrius relied, "Crystal..."
"Damn...my baby was a tough guy back then too." Akemi joked
Kammeron butted in, "Girl Carter is not even yours."
"Yet..."
"You two interrupt my stories a lot. Specifically you Akemi." I inferred
She rolled her eyes, "Well sorry. But I'm still not getting why you two broke up? When did the change in him happen?"
"Now I remember Teanna telling me about this literally right after it happened."
Akemi eyes widened in excitement and suspicion.
"Tell me!"
I was at my house in my room with Demetrius; we were having one of our chill days at home. We were laying on my bed watching college football, and pretty much engaging in conversation.
He started, "Baby..."
"Yeah..."
"I love you."
I looked up into his eyes in disbelief
"You what?"
"I. Love. You."
I started getting teary eyed, "You love me?"
"Yes I do. I love you till the end and beyond that."
As I blinked tears were running down my cheeks.
He wiped them away weakly smiling at me, "Why are you crying baby?"
"Because...you said you love me..."
I glared at him, "And I know its not true."
He looked at me confused, "What do you mean its not true? I mean it when I say I love you."
"No...you mean nothing when you say I love you. You're just trying to cover your ass."
"Teanna what the fuck are you even talking about?" He snapped
I grabbed his phone from under my pillow, "When you went downstairs your phone vibrated, I looked and you got a text from a Breanna."
He rolled his eyes trying to snatch the phone from me
"Wait! Let me read it to you: Drop your girl already, you know what you can have with me. Stopping by my house isn't enough anymore. What happened to the commitment you promised? "
I threw his phone at him, "Get out of my house Demetrius."
"You're getting mad off of that?! You gotta be fucking with me Teanna. Its not that serious!" He yelled
"Oh really? So you've just been stopping by the school's hoe crib and you expect me to believe you two did nothing at all?"
"Yes baby! I told you I love you and that's real. I wouldn't purposely try to hurt you. I already know what you been through, why do you think I would do that?"
I looked down disappointed in myself, "I'm sorry for overreacting. I trust you."
He brought me into a hug, "Its okay baby. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I love you and that's real."
"What's the big deal you guys made up?" Akemi questioned nonchalantly
"Seriously dude I'm about to tape your mouth." I scoffed
"Sorry I'm just really not seeing the big picture here."
"Teanna please just skip to the end so I won't have to kill this girl."
Boy was Kammeron annoyed
"Fine. I'll skip."
It was December 16, 2011. Winter break had just started and me and Demetrius weren't speaking to each other. We got into another one of our countless arguments. I was in the middle of leaving him a voicemail,
"Hey baby...I'm sorry about our argument, I take a partial blame for what happened. I wanna make it up to you. I'll be over soon? I love you. Bye."
I was on the freeway, driving to his house. Tonight was going to be the night I let him in completely. I was going to give him my virginity. I made sure to wear something cute but still classy. I was ready to let him have me and I hoped that he appreciates it and sticks to loving me and only me.
I pulled up in his driveway and I saw that his mom was leaving with his siblings. I got out of my car and greeted his mom,
"Hey Ms.Kelley." I kissed her cheek
She gave me a big smile, "Hello Teanna."
"Are you headed somewhere?" I questioned
"Yeah. I'm actually taking these two to their fathers house and getting Demetri something to eat."
I laughed at the nickname she gave him, "Well have fun with that adventure."
"I'll try not to. You can let yourself in. Demetri is in his room blowing his speakers out. Hopefully they blow out literally so I can refuse to buy him another set." She joked
I laughed, she is such a cool mom, "Bye Ms. Kelley."
I walked into the house sure enough to hear the music blasting from D's room. The fuck is wrong with him?
I walked up the stairs, with the sound increasing, piercing my ears I opened up his room door. Only to find him doing the worst. My tears couldn't have been anymore real at this moment. I stared at him, watched him kill my heart with every penetration, every lick, every bite, every kiss. My hurt couldn't have been anymore real at this moment.
I was crying, crying a river while he was making one right I'm front of my eyes. I grabbed the plug to his speakers still staring at him and yanked it out of the outlet.
He yelled, "Yo! What the fuck!" He turned to my direction. His expression of anger suddenly turned to guilt.
"Teanna..."
He pulled on a pair of pants, trying to rush to me. I immediately signaled him to stop.
"Don't come near me.." My voice was cracking, I was crying, and my heart was breaking.
"Who would've known the guy that repaired me, would be the one to break me more than I was before. Its funny, because I was coming here to apologize, to make things right, to give you all of me. I was gonna give you my virginity Demetrius. It hurts to know this is what you've been doing in your free time. I'm glad you made your choice for yourself. I hate you and you're now dead to me."
I turned around starting for the door and he yanked me back in, pulling my arm
"Teanna I'm stressed out! And you're part of the reason why. You fuck up all the time. I blame all of or arguments on your bitch ass. You aren't a perfect girl stop acting like you're above fucking all! You're not! I had to let my stress off somewhere!" He barked at me
"I never said I was perfect! I took blame for everything! I was always the one to apologize to you! You started most of our arguments, and I was the one to apologize for all of them. So no thanks D, you're really good at a game that I don't wanna play anymore. You won. And there's your prize, lying in your bed waiting for you. I'm done, this is over, and I'm not coming back this time."
I walked away in tears. It was from that point on I was ruled heartless. He took it, shattered it into a million pieces, and released them to be gone with the wind. I would never trust again, he isn't meant for me. Maybe its a football thing
"And that's all she wrote." I finished
Akemi rolled her eyes, "What a douche!"
"Now how do you feel Tee?", Kam grinned
"Light." I smiled weakly
Akemi was right. Letting everything out was the only way I would feel better. Now that I let it out, I have to let it go. He is out of my life and isn't coming back in. Now it isn't just about who I let in, now its about how I let them out. -Tee
We had just gotten to the venue where are graduation dinner was. It was just the crew with family and friends.
We were walking in and I was looking down at my phone tweeting my life away. Kam pulled on my dress,
"Umm...Tee."
I replied still looking down on my phone, "Yeah Kam."
"Isn't that Cas?"
Akemi butted in, "Cas as in Castiel???"
My tracks were frozen because it couldn't be.
There's no way. -Tee
Hola guys! It's been a whiole since we last talked..well you guys dont talk to me. You guys dont love me enough; buy ya good. I found a new way to type my stories through my phone! I am super turnt and I made this dope chapter. So like real talk I'm gonna update more now that I can type through my phone. Thank you for reading, much love. Dont stop reading. :)