Kat
May 31, 2005
*
Ten days later
*
In. Out.
Right. Left.
Nothing can replace the feeling of running. Since I've been home, I found I can easily run my old path twice, even three times before getting tired. I could probably do four, but maybe I will save that for a special occasion.
In. Out.
Left. Right.
I breathe in the familiar sights and smells, but I feel so out of place. It's like I no longer belong in my own home.
Buzz, buzz.
Buzz, buzz.
I don't even need to look down at my phone to know there's a new message waiting for me.
The same way it has every day, just a little before 2. The first day it was 1:41 pm, then 1:42, then 1:43 and so on. Today, it came at 1:51 pm. I feel like it has some secret meaning, but I just can't figure it out.
What could it possibly mean?
I slow down to a walk to read the new message, my curiosity getting the best of me.
Ben: It's been 10 days, in case you were wondering. Today I miss your laugh. Hope your day is as beautiful as you.
He sends the same thing every day, except each message includes something different he misses that day. Ten things for ten days.
I go through the list mentally, counting each one on my fingers.
My face.
My lips.
My smile.
My eyes.
My nose.
My ears.
My hair.
My hands.
My legs.
And now my laugh.
I guess we have moved from visual to auditory.
I dismiss the notification and drink some water before continuing my run. I haven't built up the courage to hit reply yet. I wonder if he will keep sending them.
It's really cute and sweet, but part of me wonders if he really misses me. I want to believe him, I really do, but the last time I trusted a guy, my life fell apart.
Not because of what he did but because of who he was. The impact he had on my life was significant. I should have known better.
I did know better, but I was weak.
He made me feel so powerless and he liked it. It made him feel in control, which he apparently needed.
The truth is, things were broken long before I caught him cheating. He broke my world the moment I met him and he never fixed it.
To say my father disapproved would be a huge understatement. He flat out refused to acknowledge me while I continued my "inappropriate" relationship.
Okay, he didn't use the word inappropriate. It was probably something closer to unholy, impure or sacrilegious. I can't remember exactly, it seems my brain blocked that part out.
It's probably better that way. It was the worst fight I've ever had with my father. With anyone, actually.
He will not be happy to hear about Ben. I've been avoiding the topic since I arrived back home, but how long can I last?
Should I even bring it up? Is there even anything to discuss yet?
Ben definitely seems serious, but I don't want to go through all the drama if nothing is going to happen.
As I reach my childhood home, I get that strange feeling again. It's almost as though this house, this town, my old life, is rejecting me.
My new life calls to me, begging me to return. I have to resist the urge to follow it's siren call.
Going back would mean facing Ben and I'm just not sure I'm ready for that yet. I need some time.
Don't I?
Heading around the corner, I find a car in the driveway. My treacherous heart skips a beat, hoping it might be Ben.
Of course it's not, I know it's not. I can easily recognize my sister's car, but it didn't stop the disappointment I felt.
What is wrong with me?
I head in, wishing I had a shower before this reunion and maybe a little warning to mentally prepare myself.
I know our father won't be home from the church office for a few hours, so it will be my job to entertain her and her fiance.
When I walk in, the house is quiet and surprisingly empty.
"Kitty?" I whisper as I sneak through the house. "Kitty?" I get almost to my room before I realize what I'm doing.
I straighten up, shaking off my stupidity. This is my house, why am I sneaking around? I turn my knob, not sure what to expect.
"Kitty?" I find my sister, curled up in my bed, crying.
Well, I definitely wasn't expecting this.
She looks up at me, with tears streaming from her red eyes and my heart breaks for her. We don't always get along, but I feel the urge to make it better, whatever it is. "Kitty, what's wrong?"
She scoffs. "I told you to stop calling me that. You know I hate it."
Our parents thought they were being clever. They named her Katherine and called her Kitty, so when I came along and they loved the name Katarina, the added bonus was it could be shortened to Kat.
Turns out, it was just horribly confusing to have such similar names. Not to mention just a little lame to be the Kitty Kat Twins.
Especially since we aren't even twins.
It didn't take long for immature boys to change it to Pussy Kat, then it's not so cute or innocent.
"Sorry, I don't think I will ever be able to call you Kathy." I honestly can't see her as anything else.
"Well, I can't exactly go by Kat, now can I?" She lets out a small laugh, her tears momentarily forgotten as we bond further over our ridiculous parents.
I guess I can't really say that anymore. I no longer have parents, plural. Sometimes I forget mom's gone. She was always there, talking our father off of his many ledges. I never realized just how much I depended on her, she was like the air I breathe, surrounding me. You never know it's true value until you lose it.
She took a piece of me with her.
I sit down next to Kitty, rubbing her back. "Is it mom?"
She shakes her head, as fresh tears run down her cheeks.
Oh god, no. "Is Chris okay?" She can't lose anyone else.
She begins to cry even harder. Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned him. Too late now, though.
"Kitty, is he hurt?" Should we be at a hospital?
She lets out a humorless laugh. "He might be, when Father is done with him."
Uh oh. "What did he do?"
She looks up at the ceiling as her eyes flood again. "I can't even..." Her sobs grow louder, cutting off her words.
I hug her, patting her back, trying my best to comfort her like Mom would.
God, I wish she was here.
She was always so much better at this stuff. She was gentle and sweet. Just one look at her and everyone felt better.
I always thought she was an angel pretending to be a human, our own divine blessing. I believed that until Father taught us about the angels in the Bible. Some of those were terrifying.
I continue rubbing Kitty's back, unsure of what to do. Should I say something? Should I-
My thoughts are cut off when her eyes meet mine. "I'm pregnant."
Oh god.
Character Inspiration
Kitty (Taylor Marie Hill)