AUTUMN
Louis left after a week.
It had been gradual and therefore hurt even more. Louis packed up his things slowly one by one and pretty soon he was gone before he left. He stopped sleeping in Harry's bed altogether and slept downstairs. He stopped hanging out with Harry and Isabella even when they were supposed to have Family Time in the bathtub. The last thing he did was stopped drinking the Yorkshire tea Harry would prepare for him in the mornings. Somehow, that one hurt the most.
On the last day, Louis kissed Isabella good bye and nodded curtly at Harry, not even giving him a brief kiss or a hug, and closed the door after himself. Unspoken words caught in Harry's throat and he was left standing in the hallway hugging Isabella tightly to his chest, trying and failing to breathe in air that wouldn't come.
Harry guessed they left on good terms. He didn't know anymore.
Harry never got used to sleeping alone since the first night Louis crawled in, Louis' face nuzzled on the back of Harry's neck, his arm wound protectively around him. It only made sense for Harry and Ed to pick up where they left off and invite Ed to stay with him.
After long nights of talking it out, Ed agreed and held onto Harry tighter. Ed told Harry he never wanted to lose him again. Harry imagined they were Louis' words and let Ed kiss him. It was strange. Harry was no longer sleeping alone or cooking for one, yet he still felt more alone than ever.
It wasn't as if Louis completely disappeared from Harry's and Isabella's lives. Louis came down on Fridays to have Isabella for the weekends, determined to still be present in her life. The first time Harry saw Louis again, he wanted to slap him and then kiss him senseless afterwards, ready to soothe his red cheek and hold him tightly. Instead, he told him hello and handed Isabella over to him with a haversack filled with nappies, toys and other necessities.
Life went on.
Friday rolled around lazily. Freshly baked blueberry muffins popped out of the oven, the tops warm and golden. Harry wiped his hands on his apron, smiling when Ed came in holding Isabella. His beauty never wore off, but Harry was no longer daydreaming about him. He had Ed for real this time. Ed seated Isabella in the high chair, kissing Harry warmly.
"I'm coming, Bella. I'm coming, honey. Hold on."
Harry walked over, scooting a chair closer to Isabella's high chair. He broke off a piece of warm muffin and fed it to her, Isabella humming contently and opening her mouth for more. He kind of missed the days when she would reject his cooking, the days when Louis would roam the kitchen, sneakily stealing bites of Harry's cooking and blaming it on Isabella's doing.
"Good morning, Miss Bella. I missed you. You slept so good last night. Can you say apple? Apple? Banana?" Harry snorted, looking over to Ed. "Why do I always sound like one of those dumb yellow minions when I do that? Ba-na-na."
Ed smiled at Harry, rubbing his hands together and taking a sip of tea. He swallowed around a mouthful and said, "Alright, I'd love to sit and eat, but I've got the Fender twins coming in this morning and even if I'm a minute late, they will redecorate my waiting room. Again."
"I'll see you later?" Ed asked hopefully, kissing Harry again.
"Mm-hmm," Harry hummed contently against Ed's closed lips. He pulled away and handed Ed a muffin. "Wait, take a muffin."
"Thanks. Bye, Bella." Ed bent low to kiss Isabella on her head, waving at Harry. "Bye."
"Bye," Harry repeated.
Things were good with Ed. Ed was safe. Stable. Harry needed that. What he didn't need was someone to walk out when things started to get hard. Louis was unpredictable. Although Harry loved the rush of not knowing what came next, a thrill, an adventure, he didn't need that. He didn't want that. Being with Louis was like walking on a precipice, ready to fall at any given moment. Being with Ed was sitting at home drinking tea and watching programs on the telly. Harry needed someone to stay with him through the good and the bad and Louis was not that even though Harry wanted him to be. So Harry chose Ed.
Later in the evening, Harry contemplated what to make for Thanksgiving dinner. Maybe some cream cheese mashed potatoes with cooked sausages and a roasted turkey. Maybe add some cranberry sauce to the mix. Harry juggled the endless possibilities in his head while he packaged a turkey, apple-butter and arugula grilled cheese sandwich to the lady at the counter. She handed over a few notes to him, Harry murmuring his thanks. She smiled warmly at him. As she walked out of Fraiché's, a man opened the door for her.
It was maddening how Harry's heart beat an instant staccato rhythm in his chest when he realized it was Louis. Always the perfect gentleman. Harry let himself stare for a bit too long out of the normalcy, admiring Louis openly. Louis looked like a modern-day James Dean dressed in a classic jacket paired with a simple white tee and cuffed blue jeans. The green of his tennis shoes didn't match the brown of his jacket but he still pulled it off. Louis looked gorgeous. His hair was styled to the right, his fringe tossed delicately over his right eye. His hair was getting longer. It was amazing how much he changed over the course of a few months.
James walked from the kitchen carrying Isabella in his arms. He lowered her to the floor when he saw Louis walk in, Isabella laughing excitedly and running towards Louis at full speed. Louis flung her in the air, Isabella giggling and patting his cheeks.
"Ah, look at you. My goodness. You're getting so big," Louis cooed.
"She's huge, right?" Harry said from behind the counter.
"Pictures doesn't do her justice." Louis bopped Isabella playfully on the nose, smiling when Isabella gurgled happily in response. God, he missed her. "Tommo? Did you say Tommo?"
"Good luck with that."
Harry walked around the counter to retrieve Isabella's haversack that Louis took for the weekend.
"Still no Harry, huh?"
"Nope. Know what it's like to be outranked by cup, pool and giraffe?"
Louis smirked, the skin beside his eyes crinkling. Harry missed running his thumb over the lines and soothing them out. He especially missed being the reason for them. He pushed all of his remembered electric thoughts to the back of his head and handed the haversack to Louis over the counter.
"So we are all set for Monday. Eleanor actually brought the whole schedule."
"So you really did kill the expansion, huh?" Louis looked around Fraiché, noticing the patched up wall from where they were remodeling it into a chain restaurant. He genuinely sounded apologetic when he murmured, "That's too bad."
Harry shrugged his shoulders, unaffected. "Yeah. We were like this before and we were fine."
"Alright. You ready?" Louis whispered to Isabella, looking up and waving at Harry. "See ya."
Harry smiled in return, waggling his fingers in a little wave. "Have fun."
Harry watched Louis carry Isabella with a fond expression. He took a deep breath, calling out, "Hey, Tommo?" before he changed his mind. Louis turned around and faced him with a curious look.
"I don't know if you have any plans or not, but, well, Ed and I are hosting a Thanksgiving dinner and the neighbors are gonna be there. The lads, they keep asking about you, so I don't know if maybe you wanna join us."
Harry compressed his lips together, acting as if Louis coming back into his house was no big deal.
(It was all he could think about.)
"Yeah, what the hell?" Louis smiled easily, his cool blue eyes brightening up in excitement. "You're cooking?"
"Yes."
"Alright. I'll see you there."
"Great."
Harry smiled again, this time more genuine and relaxed. He felt his cheeks warm up with exhilaration.
"Say good bye," Louis whispered to Isabella, who was looking over his shoulder with sparkling eyes.
Isabella waved good bye, Harry smiling bigger and waving back.
Louis was coming home again. At least for a day. Harry suppressed the huge smile threatening to break out over his face, settling for playing with the rings looped around his fingers. He wanted Louis to see that he was doing fine without him, that he could live a happy life without him. He tapped his knuckles on the countertop and walked to the cash register, looking forward to Thanksgiving dinner.
A few hours later, Harry was in the kitchen preparing mashed potatoes, green beans and a golden turkey for dinner. He was all over the place, tasting each meal and cooking it to perfection whether that meant adding different spices or cooking the turkey in the oven for a few more minutes. Right now, he was adding nutmeg to a bowl of Fettuccine Alfredo sauce, his special recipe. He was perched on top of the kitchen island, mixing the sauce and lifting up the spoon for Ed to taste.
"Mmm," Ed hummed.
"You think? Do you think it needs more nutmeg?"
Ed pouted his lips, remaining silent.
"You're no help." Harry shook his head, amused.
At the sound of the doorbell, Harry hopped off the kitchen island and kissed Ed's cheek in passing.
"I'll get it."
Harry flattened his hand over his Gucci camp-collared printed silk-twill shirt and ruffled his hair. He walked to the door, his shiny black Saint Laurent boots clicking on the floor. He opened it to reveal none other than Louis Tomlinson.
"Hey," Harry greeted, his voice soft.
"Hi," Louis replied just as quietly.
Louis was wearing an open H&M blue denim shirt, unbuttoned to show off his basic grey t-shirt underneath. His black skinny jeans clung to his hips, fitting him like a second skin on his perfect curves. Harry eyed him up and down, noticing Louis' little feet were stuffed in scuffed marathon 85 Adidas. He smiled at the floor. Some things never changed.
"Happy Thanksgiving."
"You too."
Louis revealed his hand from behind his back, presenting Harry cheap red wine he probably snagged from Tesco as a last minute run.
"I got you a little wine."
"Thanks."
"Nine bucks."
"Wow."
They stood in silence for a few seconds, simply staring at each other. Harry drinked Louis in. He committed every little detail to memory; the way Louis gesticulated with his hands when he spoke, the crinkles by his eyes and his sharp, slightly red curved mouth. He was memorizing every expression, slope and wave. This might be the last time he would see him in this house and so he had to remember him one last time. Louis would burn at the back of Harry's eyelids whenever he couldn't fall sleep. There were a lot of those sleepless nights.
"Where's Bella?" Louis finally asked, avoiding Harry's curious, calculating eyes.
"She's back here."
Their small talk was cut short, a chorus of, "Hey's," and, "Hi's," coming from the nextdoor neighbors, overjoyed at seeing Louis was back in town. Louis waved at them, sending them a polite smile. Harry swore he saw Luke almost faint at the small gesture.
After Harry introduced Louis to a couple of new faces in town, he left him with the neighbors, promises of coming back with a nice hot meal when he would see him again. That was how Louis was enraptured in a pleasant conversation with the neighbors, all of the men sipping cold beers and talking amongst themselves.
"So what else you maniacs have been up to?" Louis asked, faking interest.
"Did I tell you that Ashton and I are taking a couple's karate class?" Luke supplied, the men humming along. "I just figured I'm not gonna be around to defend him all the time, you know? Toughen him up."
"What a great opportunity to kick your spouse in the face once in a while in a controlled setting where it's okay and it's expected," Alex commented shamelessly.
Louis frowned, a little bit worried for Alex's wife's, Perrie, well-being. He heard a mellow voice say, "Tommo," and turned around just in time to see Ed taking out his hand for a polite handshake.
"Hey. How you doing, Doc?" Louis smiled tightly.
Louis heard Ed and Harry were now a thing, apparently. Funny how quickly Harry jumped back into dating Ed the minute Louis walked out that door.
"Good. Glad you could make it."
"Appreciate that. Although technically this is my house so I'm glad you could make it," Louis joked, trying to relieve the obvious tension in the room.
"I know this is a little weird," Ed said honestly.
"No, s'not weird."
"It's a little weird," Jed countered from the back of the crowd.
"The house, we're all a part of it, especially you," Ed said kindly.
"Yup." Louis bit his cheek, suddenly feeling out of place with Ed around. "We're all big fans of the house."
"Hey. Dinner today is a great way for us to say good bye, right?" Jed supplied.
Louis stared at the curious faces surrounding him. His eyebrows pinched together, his mouth parting around a confused breath. He scratched the back of his head, utterly lost.
"I'm sorry, am I missing something?"
Once the neighbors filled him in on the situation, Louis stomped angrily into the kitchen to confront Harry. Harry was selling the house. No, he was selling Louis' house. Louis had as much of a right over this property as much as Harry did. Harry hadn't cared to mention this piece of vital information to Louis and had left him in the dark, absolutely clueless. Louis' cheeks heated, his whole body flushed with anger and frustration.
Louis flung open the doors to the kitchen, raising his voice to shout, "You're selling the house? When were you gonna tell me about this?"
Harry sighed, the line of his shoulders tensing up. He carried a bowl of macaroni and cheese to the table decked out in unimaginable foods.
"After our meeting with CPS. It's just too big, Tommo. The upkeep's a fortune, you know that."
"I'm paying my half!" Louis bickered.
"I appreciate that, but it's still not enough."
"You should have asked me, Harry."
Harry walked back to the kitchen, scoffing, "Oh, like you asked me about moving to Phoenix?"
"You're not selling the house," Louis said with finality.
"Yes, I am."
"They wanted for her to grow up here," Louis reminded Harry, growing desperate.
"What they wanted was for you and I to raise her together, but you walked away from that obligation."
"Well, you sure didn't waste any time finding somebody else to hold the nappy bag, did you?"
The words stung. They were like small shards of sharp glass cutting Harry's skin open. Harry had to give him credit because Louis always found a way to hurt him even when he was gone. Even when he wasn't Harry's.
"Really? Are you going to try and make me feel bad because you walked away?" Harry fought back, his eyebrows furrowing together.
"Are you forgetting that you wanted to do it all on your own, but you never could have done it without me. That's why ten seconds after I was gone, you found yourself replacement Tommo!"
Harry looked down, murmuring incoherent curses under his breath and shaking his head furiously. No. Louis was wrong. Ed was not a rebound because how could he be when he was kinder and gentler? How could Ed be a mistake when after Harry would come he would tightly hold him and tell him he loved him? Last time Harry checked, Louis never did any of those things. All Louis was made up of was false promises whispered in the dark.
"He is not replacement Tommo!" Harry yelled angrily, the dam breaking at last.
Harry's cheeks flushed, sweat matting his curls to his forehead. He slammed his fists on the table, all the pent up anger that had been building up throughout the weeks were now finally boiling over.
"You know what? He is nothing like you! Ed is nothing like you. He is warm and kind and he doesn't run away at the first sign of something real!"
"Yeah, I ran! My best friend died and overnight I had a house and a baby. I'm sorry if, if—"
"If what!" Harry shouted louder.
"I was scared!" Louis defended.
"You don't think I was scared?" Harry answered shakily, his eyes close to spilling tears.
"It was easier for you, Harry! You wanted this...you wanted the life that they had," Louis justified.
Louis' cheeks were painted a pretty pink, his eyes watery and bluer than ever. Even when he was close to tears, Louis was the most beautiful thing Harry ever saw. Ed had nothing on him.
"But not the way I got it!" Harry cried out, his vulnerable voice breaking. "Jesus...not the way I got it. And certainly not with somebody who didn't love me back!"
"But I did!" Louis sounded like it hurt. He swallowed hard. He looked Harry in his eyes and into his soul, his own red-rimmed and blurry with tears. His chin wobbled as he quietly confessed, "Harry, I still do."
The silence between them didn't sound quiet at all when Louis could only hear his own heartbeat in his ears.
Harry exhaled shaky breaths. He felt like he couldn't breathe. He carried a dirty bowl to the sink and dropped it in a loud clatter. His shoulders hunched forward, a constant weight pressing on his chest. An uncomfortable knot formed at the back of his throat, causing his words to come out broken and jumbled together.
"No, you're right. We were just...we were just pretending to be them because we needed each other to get through everything and now that's done and we don't need to pretend anymore, Tommo, okay? I don't want to fight with you, please," Harry begged quietly, weakly.
All the fight was drained out of Harry. Louis nodded, his face scrunched up in worry. He sniffed and ran a hand stiffly through his hair.
Louis' voice was trembling when he rushed out to say, "I'm gonna go back to Phoenix. You can handle Eleanor on your own. Looks like you got things covered here without me."
Louis stared at Harry's back, silently begging Harry to look at him because it was the last time he was going to see him. But Harry didn't move and Louis took that as his answer. And when no response from Harry came, Louis nodded at himself and walked away resolutely. So that was it. That was their ending. It made sense for Louis to give up on them because love had never worked out for him before. Louis always ended up hurt in the end.
Louis sucked his bottom lip into his mouth and walked out of the kitchen, finding all of the neighbors crowded around the long dining table, shuffling awkwardly on their feet and looking guilty for eavesdropping on a private conversation.
"Happy Thanksgiving everyone," Louis muttered, trying and failing to keep his voice unaffected. "It's great to see you all. If you're ever in Phoenix, don't be afraid to look me up."
The nextdoor neighbors looked at Louis in pity. Louis nodded again and went to pick up Isabella. He willed himself to not let any hot tears spill from his eyes as he sniffled and kissed Isabella's head. As if she knew about their broken family, Isabella started crying too. Louis hugged her tighter to his chest, his heart aching for her. He desperately wished it didn't have to be this way. He knew better though. Anything that involved him ended in misery.
Louis placed Isabella back down in her playpen, Isabella wailing and reaching out for him again. He forced himself not to pick her up one more time. Instead, he uttered his last good byes and walked out through the door for the final time. He supposed he was saying his last good bye to their life and their house. A house that no longer felt like home.
Harry walked into the dining room with a beautifully golden turkey. He placed the main course on the table with the rest of the delicacies.
With a badly contained sniffle, Harry announced, "Okay, dinner is served. You guys should try the stuffing, it's really...it's amazing. There's an Andouille sausage thing going on. You'll love it. Go ahead and dig in." Nobody moved a muscle. "C'mon, everybody..."
When no one made any indication to move, Harry slammed his hand on the table, his voice pitching high.
"Eat. Now!"
The neighbors obliged quickly, passing around plates and cutlery. There was a murmur amongst them, prongs hitting the ceramic plates and the tinkling of glasses filled with Louis' red wine clicking against each other.
Harry stood at the end of the long table, his hands clasped in front of him. Ed brushed past Harry, not even offering him a glance. Harry sighed and dropped his head low, his mum rubbing his shoulder, a present warmth he needed at the moment. He never envisioned for the night to go this way.
When afternoon turned into night, Harry walked the neighbors to the door one by one. The weight of Louis' and his fight seemed to get heavier by the hour.
"Thanks for coming. Bye," Harry called out, closing the door after the last guest.
Harry turned around to see Ed sitting down on the couch.
"Yeah, okay. That was bad," Harry admitted cautiously, gnawing on his bottom lip nervously.
"Maybe we did go too fast," Ed treaded lightly. "You clearly have unresolved feelings for him, Harry."
"Tommo and I bearly got along under the best of circumstances and there weren't many of those either," Harry argued, crossing his arms against his slowly breathing chest.
Harry leaned against the doorframe, his body going tense with nerves.
"If my wife and I fought like that, we'd still be married," Ed replied softly.
"You know, before anything happened to Zayn and Liam, you were exactly the guy I wanted to be with. I would lose time thinking about you and I didn't even know your name yet," Harry confessed.
Ed sighed like it pained him to even breathe. "I'll miss you guys."
Ed kissed Harry's forehead, his lips pressing to Harry's skin before he moved away. Harry held onto Ed's hand a little tighter. He didn't fight it. He just...let go fully knowing if he did, Ed wasn't going to come back into their lives. He watched Ed walk through the front door and didn't stop him.
Harry swallowed past the fear that maybe he would never find a home, never be happily dating someone or get happily married, never build a home. He shut off the lights, leaving the mess for tomorrow and climbed upstairs carrying Isabella.
Harry discarded his shoes under the bed (another bad habit he learned from Louis and couldn't unlearn) and tucked himself into bed with Isabella. He dimmed the lights and pulled out Isabella's favorite book about monsters. He thumbed the pages to where Louis left off, the page dog-eared at one corner.
"Leonardo was a terrible monster," Harry read. He smiled, flipping the yellow weathered page. "He couldn't scare anyone. He didn't have one thousand six hundred and forty two—"
"Daddy."
Harry looked down to Isabella, who was watching him curiously, her big, gorgeous brown eyes blinking up at him like two twinkling stars.
Harry gaped, his mouth parting open to correct her, "No. Harry." He pointed to the center of his chest. "No, I'm Harry."
"Daddy," Isabella repeated, gurgling bubbles of spit.
"Yeah, baby girl." Harry clutched a hand to his chest, touched. He sniffled, the waterworks beginning again but this time for completely different reasons. They were happy tears. "I'm your daddy."
Harry pressed a kiss to Isabella's head, a tear rolling down his cheek to land on her soft hair. He wanted to run and ring Louis the good news, but then he remembered with a constant guilt that he couldn't.
Harry cried quietly for the rest of the night until he fell asleep with Isabella cradled to his chest.