Azar's hand lingers as we both pull away our hands at the same time. There is a long pause between us, and we seem to be avoiding each other's eyes. Our argument seems to have dissipated quickly. I awkwardly ask, "Why don't we go home now? Or do you want to eat first?"
"Let's go home," he says and begins packing food back into the container.
"The food—" I start, but Azar interrupts me.
"Don't worry, I'll give it to the guard."
"Why did you bring me here in the first place?" I inquire as I contemplate whether to help him or not.
"Because I couldn't risk for anyone to eavesdrop on our conversation," Azar replies. I can't disagree with this logic, given how much we were yelling. I decide to give him a hand anyway because the quicker we leave, the better.
"I was thinking that you must have been missing your parents." He nervously coughs at the end of the sentence. "Do you want me to drop you off there on my way home?"
A faint smile spreads over my lips, despite everything. "Is that your way of saying get out of my house?"
"No," Azar refutes, sounding very defensive. "I just thought... maybe... you are feeling homesick as you are away from them this long. I definitely would have felt homesick," he stops rambling when he looks up at me, and I notice his hand is hovering in the air. It takes me a second to register. It is because I am smiling.
I immediately stop doing so, and I take the container from his hovering hand. It snaps him back to reality. "Sometimes, people don't feel the same even if they are going through the same thing," I remark instead.
"So... is that a no or a yes?" he asks after a pause. "Women," he mutters under his breath.
"I want to go home —I mean to your house— and ask Mama first," I elaborate, feeling weird internally. How easily we fall back to our conversation as if we weren't fighting moments ago.
"She will be fine with it," he shrugs it off carelessly. "Trust me, I know her very well."
And all of a sudden, Azar's face flashes in my mind, his hands firm on my shoulders, telling me to trust him, consoling me, telling me everything is okay.
"Angel?" I almost wince. It is okay. It is okay, Abeer. It is fine. "Is something wrong?"
"Huh?" I swallow. "No, I'm okay. I was saying I want to ask her anyways in person. I know she won't mind, but still."
"Okay, let's go then." He picks up the plastic bags and leaves the room.
As I follow him outside to the car, I ponder how he plans to convince me to initiate the divorce to make him look like the victim and me like a criminal.
Even though it isn't justified how he treated me, deep down, I can't help but wonder what Mishal did to push him to be this disbelieving of people. It feels strange to think about someone else's mess for once. It feels like a good distraction. Azar has always had an element of mystery around him, and apart from when he is not boasting about his looks, he hardly ever talks about himself. I am curious about him alright, but not curious enough. I can't go on nagging him about his life when he isn't prying into mine.
I wish I could reverse the events of last night somehow, I think as we drive away. Now it will haunt me forever.
"You know, sometimes it is okay to not be strong too," Azar interjects me out of my mind as if he read my thoughts. Does he really mean it when he called me strong? Why would he think so when he has seen me in my most vulnerable state? I don't have the heart to ask.
I would have never imagined that Azar, out of all people, is saying it though. Today truly has proven to be miraculous. Instead of a snarky remark, I resort to, "I know."
I realize that we have stopped somewhere. "Umm, why are we stopping here?" I ask, eyeing the surroundings.
"I have to go to the office; Mis–someone–Mishal is waiting there." Without saying another word, he gets out.
Was Azar telling the truth that he and Mishal broke up in school? His reason to marry me, all of this plan, starts from the two breaking up. Why did Mishal leave him? If she dumped him, and if she truly messed him up, why would he work with her?
Even if I assume Azar is telling the truth and their relationship is nothing, but business now, Mishal's attitude towards me and her assertions about her relationship with Azar contradicts what Azar told me today. Does he not know she loves him? Or is he right that she doesn't? What about his own feelings? Does he still love her?
Who do I believe in? Azar or Mishal?
I push away the thoughts when he returns and starts driving. "It is hard to trust me, isn't it?" He asks almost bitterly, and I peek at him, but his eyes are glued to the road.
"I can't say otherwise," I admit with a shrug.
"I guess that's fair enough," he sighs. "Ask," he says after a few minutes.
"Excuse me?" I pretend to not understand.
"Ask me about it." I don't. With a sigh, he explains anyway, "Mishal and I are acquaintances now. We are collaborating on a startup, and well, if my project is approved and is a success, I will be able to establish my own business."
"Does it even matter?" I ask him instead.
"Can't I just have a normal conversation?" His question takes me off guard.
"Azar, nothing, absolutely nothing, between us is ever normal."
I can tell Azar holds back his words, and just like that, our conversation ends. I look outside and notice that we are passing by my favorite route. The trees lined up sway in the wind as if whispering to me to leave everything behind, and become a part of nature; leave behind my cruel mind. Yet the trees are unable to stop the thoughts that run through my head. I wish I could just pause, at least, and breathe, but they run on, running over me too. I can't stop thinking about how he looked at me, how he held me and how calm I felt as he did.
Why would Azar comfort me?
Sympathy.
I mentally huff as the word crosses my mind. That is all there is.
It is strange and shocking, to say the least, that Azar has told me something. Not his past, but something about himself. And what made him? Sympathy.
How could someone who hates you have sympathy for you? Maybe I'd never know how. Maybe I'll just take a divorce and leave forever to never look back.
"What if I see the nightmare again?"
"Then I'll be here; by your side."
"Promise?"
"Promise."
The vivid moment comes back to me uninvited, and as much as I try to not think about it, the more I do. Why did he promise? It wasn't necessary. He could have brushed it off. Or maybe, he thought I was too weak to handle a no, and maybe I was. Maybe I am weak. Maybe that's why Azar said what he said about being strong to just give me fake consolation. Maybe that's the reason I can't forget Raheesh. Maybe that's the reason I am here with the man who I never wanted to be with and yet am not willing to leave.
But isn't he right? What am I going to do when everyone starts pushing us to start a family? Would I stay and pretend to be happy? I wouldn't be able to, no matter how hard I tried. But neither would Azar. If we aren't divorced by then, he would divorce me himself, and if he wouldn't, I still take it because how selfish do I have to be to have kids in such an unstable marriage? Whatever is in the future stays in the future. What I might do then doesn't mean I will take divorce now in the second week of our marriage.
The car stops again. "Why have we stopped now?" I ask him, a little annoyed to be honest.
"I don't know," Azar replies with a confused look and gets out of the car. He opens the bonnet and examines the engine. After some time, he comes to my side and opens the door. "It's busted. We would have to walk."
"Walk?" I repeat, sure the house is too far from where we are. "Why? Can't we get a cab?"
"Forget the cab; look at the weather! Let's walk," he insists. "Come on, a little exercise won't hurt us."
"Speak for yourself," I mutter under my breath, as my arm aches.
He takes his water bottle from the car and hands me one. He then locks it and starts walking. I quickly follow behind him until we are side by side.
The weather is indeed extremely pleasant, and I wish I could forget all my worries and drown in it. I admire in silence the floating, colorful umbrellas hung above the road and wonder if things weren't the way they are with Azar, I would find this walk peaceful or even romantic.
I want to ask Azar why we are heading away from the car, but I don't want to spoil the mood. We walk for about ten minutes in complete silence, feeling grateful that Azar doesn't interrupt it. I let out a small gasp when we stop as I realize we are heading towards the pedestrian bridge over the dam.
I turn to Azar in surprise, but he is looking ahead at the water, leaning against the rail as if far away from reality. I too face the blue of the water and the sky, woven together by the jagged green and brown lines of mountains that slope afar. I think about what Azar would say if I told him how I dreamt of coming here every day as our car passed by, but I had never thought I'd step foot here.
"You struck a deal with me without knowing if I'll keep my part of the promise," Azar breaks the silence after a while. "Aren't you afraid?"
I am terrified. I think but instead, smile at his choice of words. I turn towards him and find him already looking at me. "How wrong can it go?" I ask him. How wrong can anything go anymore? I wish to say aloud.
"True since. You have already endured enough," he voices out, and I look at him flabbergasted, which makes him elaborate. "I mean to say that I was trying to play with your insecurities to make you want to leave me yourself. I know girls are conscious of their looks. So the jabs about your appearance were..." I look at him, but he glances away from me as he says, "They were just that. Jabs. That was low of me, but that was the point, to upset you." He turns back to look at me as if weighing whether I believe him. Maybe by saying it aloud, he realizes how insane it is. "And once I found out how the thought of Mishal bothers you —rightfully so may I add—I used that to infuriate you."
He falls into silence as if expecting me to explode on him. "I am still confused though," I muse aloud. "You explained why you have been aggravating me for the past three weeks, but what about before? What about years back in school? Why did you hate me then?" What did I do to deserve your hate?"
"You reminded me of someone. In fact, you still remind me of someone." Azar averts his gaze from me, and I feel more bemused than ever by his reply.
"You remind me of someone too," I admit. I realize I am clutching the bottle. I shake the thought away. Azar is not him. Have you ever stood with him so peacefully in such a beautiful place? Do you think you could have ever felt safe around someone similar to him?
I take a sip of water and once again, we both fall into silence. Should I tell him, that he unknowingly granted my wish? Azar's mobile beeps and he checks the notification and then starts walking again.
I catch up with him, disappointed that we have to leave here. "Azar, can we go to the other side near the water?" I blurt out, and he stops. "I love it here."
"I love it here too," he confesses, taking me by surprise, "Makes me want to stay here forever." His expression changes as if he realizes that it is me who he is talking to. "We have to leave though."
"Where are we going?" I prod. Azar doesn't reply, walking ahead. "Azar, I asked—" I stop speaking and come to a halt when I see a mosque in sight.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Assalamualikum warahmatullahi wabarakatahu
How are you all doing? I hope good In Sha Allah.
I'm fine too Alhamdulillah.
So questions about the chapter:
1) Do you understand what Abeer is feeling? I tried my best to express it well.
2) So Abeer asked the question which you all were asking that why did Azar hate Abeer before their marriage. He said, as you read above, that she reminds him of someone. Any guesses who?
3) Is anyone missing him?
4) So did you expect it to be a mosque at the end? I guess Azar is unpredictable as always ;)
5) Favorite line
6) How was the chapter overall?
7) Should I keep Islamic rant? I haven't done it in a long while.
Please remember me in your duas.
Stay tuned and stay blessed. Ameen.