Chapter 80

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I am unable to sleep well the following night. I keep having nightmares about Raheesh hurting Hussain. When I wake up in cold sweat for the third time that night, I give up trying to sleep.

I don't wish to disturb Azar, who is sound asleep, but I move closer to him to comfort myself. Abeer, he is more real than everything else in your head.

Hours pass by, and Azar's Fajr alarm goes off. He looks at me through half-opened eyes and then switches off his alarm. "You didn't sleep?" he asks, snuggling closer to me.

"I tried, but the nightmares wouldn't stop," I answer, and his eyes jolt open.

"Why didn't you wake me up?" He sits up and switches on the side-table lamp.

"They weren't that bad," I wave it off. "I am okay, Azar. Is it weird that I am used to them now?"

"I am sorry," he apologizes instead.

"Don't be," I insist, sitting up. "It is not your fault anyways. You didn't know it would trigger us."

"Yeah, but I wish it didn't happen," he adds with remorse. "Don't hesitate to wake me up if you are afraid, Abeer. I am right here with you."

"I know," I assure. "Aren't you tired of seeing me suffer?"

"I am not tired of you, Abeer."

"How do you not get sick of it?" I can't help but ask. "I get sick of myself."

"I love you," he says, but my insides recoil at his answer. "I admire your resilience."

Why do I feel repulsed by the word love even though I have been craving it for so long?

"If I hadn't gone through what I went through, would you still love me?" I confront. This thought eats me from inside every time Azar talks about my strength. "Are you just attached to the pain that I carry?" I add but snap back into my senses. "I'm sorry, don't answer that," I hasten as soon as the words leave my mouth. "I am sabotaging us right now."

"I will answer it," Azar asserts calmly. "Even if your life was different, I am sure, you'd still be a beautiful person."

"You can be with anyone better. Why me?" I press.

"But I don't want better. I want you."

I look at Azar, grateful that no matter how much I try to isolate myself, he doesn't budge. I wish I stop isolating myself this way because I don't mean to test Azar's limits. What did I do deserve him?

"I understand being frustrated with the triggers and the nightmares, but be kind to yourself, Abeer," Azar advises. "Just like you are kind to Hussain. Let yourself be. You don't have to justify it. You don't have to be okay all the time. Your body is reacting now, trying to process what it has been through. And even when everything seems fine, the grief sneaks up. Just remember Allah when it does, His Promise that there will be no fear or grief for those who follow His guidance. This life is temporary, and you and I will have eternal peace In Sha Allah." The thought of us together in Jannah calms my heart.

"Stop thinking your trauma is making you take too much space from me or others because it isn't," he reads my mind. "It is taking space from you, so you have a right to process it. Whenever you feel down, use your voice to validate yourself, as it can do wonders in saving yourself, and you have me. I will sit with you in it. You are not alone."

"How come you are so nice?" I blurt out, and Azar chuckles at the compliment.

"I never imagined I'd hear you call me nice," he points out, looking amused.

"Well, you are really, really nice," I repeat with emphasis.

"That is all I get?"

I am a bit speechless at the sudden change in his tone. "Let me take back my nice and replace it with shameless," I say, trying to sound indifferent.

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