[At Your Best Frank Ocean version]
THERE IS A SEX SCENE IN THIS CHAPTER AND I WOULD GIVE YOU A WARNING BUT PAUL AND JULES ALREADY GIVE YOU A BIT OF A WARNING WITH THEIR WORDS SO JUST TREAD LIGHTLY.
EPILOGUE: when the future makes long-distance calls.
"Put the camera down, babe."
Paul had gotten into photography recently. With all of the things he'd been good at, he just had to add everything else onto the list to extend his artistic resume. He'd bought Brandon's old camera off of him when they cleaned the apartment out as he would be heading off to Chicago for art school and Brandon to Pratt in New York, Rilee for Rhode Island.
Everyone was going somewhere, even Landon was traveling with his YouTube money and I knew it would be difficult to stay in touch. But Paul was determined to not lose his friends and, in result, didn't allow me to lose contact with them as well considering him having to console me after Ben's enlistment in the Army. Not being as close to all your high-school friends in the future was inevitable but he was determined to keep our positive support system alive, not just for him but for me.
I was still, however, trying not to think about the inevitable when Paul had loaded my belongings into the back of my car and we took turns driving on a 35 hour car ride that extended into a five-day road trip, my father not being able to make it due to a case he was wrapped up in, court scheduled for a few days after I'd left. But it was okay, I had to remind him repeatedly before I left and he'd instead on visiting me sometime soon.
My boyfriend, ever the romantic, had insisted on making it about sight-seeing and spending that time together and, for some reason, it felt as if he were trying to pack four years of distance into that car with us.
But I hadn't said much, we were ten months into our relationship and I was so convinced that I would never feel closer to him than I did now, we were going to be okay. We were, we had to be. I just wanted him to turn the camera off and stop acting like he were capturing the last time he'd ever see me.
Throughout the summer, I'd taken the time to get to know everything I could about him. Our families were close... or, at least, thats how it seemed considering his parents invited my dad to every Sunday dinner and his extended family welcomed my not-so nuclear with open arms. We had grown too, Paul had been hitting the gym a bit less and growing his hair out a bit more, it now fuller and the curls would linger in his eyes more-often than not. He was still toned but we'd gotten so comfortable with each other and I could tell that letting off that pain he was holding had been so good for him.
He'd fallen more into himself, grown more comfortable with his quirks and his style had developed into a plethora of Hawaiian shirts and lazy fitted-jeans; he replaced his contacts with his frames and almost always had a carefree smile on his face. Brandon had called him a dollar-store Bob Ross and I was more in love with him than ever, it wasn't hard to notice how reciprocated those feelings were.
And I was so happy to be in his presence, even tired after we'd stumbled into our last motel of the trip. His eyes were half-lidded and nearly closed as he nestled himself in my old varsity hoodie and some sweatpants, my body nearly mirroring his in comfortability. We'd checked in on the edge of Las Vegas and left the bags in the car, only needing a place to lay our heads until we'd leave in the morning to reach our final destination by move-in day.
The past few months had been amazing and it was hard to come to terms with the fact that seeing him now would be more blue-moon. There was something so calming about just being around him that I couldn't find it in me to focus on the negative at that point, pushing away my anxieties if only for one night. The whole trip had been filled with my nerves getting the best of me, one night alone before I completely fell apart was warranted.
He had smiled over at me when we'd finally gotten settled, fatigue washing over the both of us and I'd lingered on him undressing; my eyes took in the planes of his back as it stretched, committing it to memory. I watched his shirt coming off and the little mole on his left shoulder, a new tattoo draped across his right. I didn't notice when my fingertips had grazed his skin but his shiver had been a hint. It still made me smile how easily he reacted to my touch, it light over the plastic wrap but he'd sunk into it, pushing his body closer as I traced the delicate lines.
I'd sketched that tattoo and the idea made my heart warm just as it had when he'd drug me into a tattoo shop two days prior in Colorado and pulled out a folded piece of sketchbook paper. I'd thought he was just getting more of his map done, an extension due to traveling or something but when he'd tugged me into the room with him despite my disdain for needles, I could see the purple ink stretched out a drawing of bamboo.
Kissing beside the plastic, I felt goosebumps ghost over his tanned skin. We'd been sitting on the edge of the bed then, my knees pressed into the mattress and I sat behind him, watching after my own fingertips as they trailed the permanent plant upwards, barely touching his irritated skin.
And then I traced the outer edges of the bamboo, my tongue itching to taste his skin and before I knew it, I was kissing the mole on his shoulder. His lips had parted, a sigh escaping when my lips had grazed his skin, holding him close to me and I leaned my body onto his, mindful. I watched as he'd tiled his neck, allowing me to kiss it gently.
"I love you." I spoke softly, my arms twining around his neck, fingertips in the dips of his clavicle and before I knew it, he was out of my grasp and my body had leaned to follow his touch. Arms around my waist, Paul led me back, my body sinking back into the mattress, his lips tracing the contour of my abdomen, curls feather-light against my skin and he'd reiterated my own words again and again as if it were the only words he'd known.
: : :
When it had finally sunk in that we would be apart, my body had went into shock.
My heart had simultaneously sunk to my stomach and leaped to my throat, it closing at the realization. And I was crying then, it trailing silently down my cheeks as Paul and I carried boxes through the dormitory halls. I was convinced that it wouldn't be this hard, that I was stronger than this but seeing my boyfriend in yet another one of my shirts, biting his lip as he maneuvered through these halls, his brown eyes wide... he looked so excited for me and I couldn't help but think about how grateful I was to have him in my life.
He had supported me nonstop and never protested once even despite how far my dreams would take me and he was still supporting me when his flight back home was the next day considering he also had to relocate. I couldn't help the emotions rushing through me, he hadn't cried yet and I knew it was because he was thinking about me and how strong he had to be for me before I fell apart.
I loved him so much.
I'd been watching him as I trailed behind him, his hair was damp from sweat as we'd been lifting for the entirety of the day and the elevator had been undergoing maintenance, a luxury that the dorm supervisor had been absolutely certain would be up and running by the beginning of the school year. I wasn't opposed to the extra exercise as slight paranoia had been set in due to meeting a few of my teammates in the lounge during check-in, that reminded me that I wasn't exactly where I'd wanted to be before college weight-wise.
A few jogs up and down the stairs would be great exercise even if Paul was opposed to it. He didn't mention my eagerness even if he did kiss me extremely reassuringly once we were back out at the car grabbing our first boxes and I was grateful. But now, I was watching my boyfriend sit his last box down on top of the others in front of my room and I couldn't even think of my weight when all my insecurities were hard at work on the strength of my relationship and this beautiful guy would be gone in less than 24-hours.
And then I'd be alone and God, I hated being alone.
I wasn't sure when he'd looked at me but my head was downcast and my eyes were burning with unshed tears. I didn't want to move at all and when he'd held his hand out for what I assumed was my key, he'd noticed.
Almost instantly, he was tilting my head up, looking into my eyes and then pulling my body towards his and we were both hugging in the hallways of Tropicana Athletic Residence Hall and I could feel tears running down my cheeks as I sucked in a shaky breath, holding his body towards mine.
He'd pulled away at the sound of me sniffling, holding me at arms length. "You okay?"
Nodding, I went to wipe my own eyes, I could break down when he was leaving not when we were in broad daylight moving into my dorm and blocking the door with piled up boxes. "I-I'm gonna miss you."
And that sounded pathetic but, evidently, Paul wasn't afraid to be extremely sappy and he tried to make light of the situation, "We're in this beautiful campus and you're sad over me?"
"Shut up." Hugging him back towards me, I tried not to show my smiling through that, he was such a perfect boyfriend and such a perfect guy that he didn't realize a pool and a beach-side campus had nothing on him.
God, I was gonna miss this, he was so warm and ever since finding him, I'd never found anything that made me feel calmer. Not even the field surpassed him in making me happy. "I'll call you everyday, FaceTime whatever." That sounded like a promise and I let myself believe it, even though I knew that we both were gonna live completely different lives and most of our time would be occupied. I was trying to be optimistic because I knew he was and I knew he believed in long-distance working out. "I love you, don't forget that."
"I love you too." And I wanted it to work out.
Brushing a tear from under my eye, Paul's thumb had grazed my nose ring and I tried to remember the time he took me to get it done rather than be sad. It was a summer day and we'd left a celebration party for Brandon winning a chance to shadow some famous producer, Paul had tugged me into a tattoo shop and said we were getting those piercings we'd talked about.
My heart had been beating so fast but I wasn't sure if it was the piercing or just the after-affects of his skin in mine but I know he sucked my dick that night because of how how I supposedly looked.
"Come on." With the key he'd already taken from me, Paul had unlocked the door, his hand in mine and I wasn't fully able to see the mess at first. But my dorm had been ransacked already.
"This place is... Promising?" He'd offered optimism but my eyes were lingering on the underwear sitting on the lamp on the side-table of the unmade bed. There were sheets already on that side and a few pillows thrown on top so I was sure that one was occupied but the fact that my side also had things lying around had made being optimistic difficult.
"Shut up, it's disgusting."
And Paul bit his lip, knowing that this wasn't the best situation, "I was trying to be nice." Walking further into the room, he twined his fingers with mine and tugged me in beside him, "It's very lived-in."
God, I was gonna miss his subtlety but I wasn't really in the mood for it at the moment, "I didn't think I'd be the clean one living here, it's literally the first day, what the fuck?"
"I'm guessing that's your bed." He'd offered, pointing to the one I assumed and I wanted to cry in frustration at the state.
"How'd he even get my side dirty?"
"I don't know but he's definitely not modest." he'd said, picking a jock-strap off my bed with the tips of his fingers and flinging it across the room. Almost instantly, he'd ripped open the box with cleaning supplies and sanitized his hands before spraying my bed down with Lysol. Shivering when his excess amount seemed to satisfy him, Paul went to put that away, gesturing me to help him with setting up the bedding and starting with my mattress cover.
"Damn it."
He'd laughed at my disgust as we pulled the sheets together and then a plain forest green comforter over the twin-sized bed. And upon seeing my unamused expression, he tried to empathize. "I mean, it's not that bad." Wading through the nonsense my roommate had littered the floor with, Paul sat down on the now freshly-made bed, it creaking with his weight. "Kinda creaky, good thing you won't be having sex here." he smiled smugly, grabbing his phone to check the time.
And tempted to not let him dwell on how close he was to leaving, I stepped forward, settling myself in between his thighs and resting my arms on his shoulders.
"Who says I won't?"
And it was a joke but the seriousness in his response had my stomach clenching in need, "Well, I'm not gonna be here so you're definitely not." He spoke, firmer than I expected and his hands had gripped my waist as if to further emphasize his statement.
Biting my lip at the way he was looking at me, so intensely, almost as if he were committing my face to memory, I wanted to hold off on the serious conversation about long distance. We had too many conversations about it and Paul had been sure to let me know that he wouldn't stop trying until I did... and I had no intention on ending this anytime soon. "Wanna break it in?" I'd offered as he got that look of worry in his eyes and I wasn't ready to admit how much the next day worried me.
All I wanted at that moment was him. All I wanted was to feel my boyfriend's body against mine and for him to not be so obviously afraid of the distance because him being unsure made me insecure and us both being insecure was a recipe for disaster. My hands trailed down from his shoulders, playing with the necklace around his neck, without even looking, I smiled at the simple idea of it saying my name. I wanted him to say my name.
"You don't ever get tired?" He had laughed but obliged, pulling me closer to him, my body jerking forward and I'd fought the smile he always seemed to be able to provoke. He reciprocated, eyes trained on me and pure joy on his face. And then he was just staring at me, almost as if he were drinking in every last detail and I wasn't sure why that made me feel homesick especially when my home was right here. His lips were then tilting into that dazed smile he seemed to always get in these moments, eyes flickering down to my lips as he moved to place a soft kiss on them.
I was gonna miss that, the way my body ran warm and my stomach tied itself in knots, my head would clear each and every time he so much as pecked my lips. Just a small graze of his hand on mine would fill me with so much happiness I could barely contain it.
And then we were full-blown kissing, Paul's lips soft against my own and his hands dancing up and down my spine as he pulled me closer, backing up just enough to grab my ass and hike me up on the bed, legs parting across his and I was fully sitting in his lap then. I felt hot, all over my body, and that definitely had more to do with what I could feel pressed against me... his hands were pushing in the back of my sweats, squeezing my ass with enough force to push me closer to him and his kisses turned longer and more sensual with every passing second, I swore I would lose my mind.
I'd never get tired of the way his lips on mine felt or the way I got shivers from him just pressing our hips together or god, the fucking way he pulled away to look directly into my eyes. There was something so attractive in the way he smiled at me then, that rebellious curl falling over his forehead and then my hands were in his curls as he moved to place open kisses up and down the length of my neck. Everything would switch up and he'd move from pressing a sweet kiss to my skin to biting that spot behind my ear, my hips bucking into his.
Ever since his opening up, our relationship had entered a new territory but emotionally and physically, I hadn't been complaining about it.
Especially not our newfound sex-life, even if it wasn't as frequent as I would like.
I did get where he was coming from... my libido was acting up the entire trip, we'd had sex nearly everyday the past five days which was a jump because since our first time, we barely did, normally it existed in satisfying each other quickly and every so often actually fucking. That mostly had to do with Paul not wanting to spend our last three months together in bed, he wanted to explore, to be excited and I didn't mind because he always made it worthwhile, he showed me new things. But I didn't want exploration; I didn't care about sight-seeing in California.
He'd been here a million times already, I was going to be living here for the next four years, I just wanted him in that moment and I tried to make that clear mumbling out a "I do need memories for when you're not here."
And when he wasn't moving fast enough, I'd pulled back before yanking my own shirt off and flinging it absentmindedly, not caring what problems my roommate might have with me taking over our room on move in day. Paul had looked surprised, his eyes widening before that smirk took over his face and honestly, fuck him for being so attractive all the time.
Taking his face in between my hands, I leant down, kissing him like I'd never kiss him again. He had leant back on his elbows in surprise, the friction of our bodies grinding together intensifying the heated sensation in my stomach.
I wasn't aware of how fast I was moving nor how much charge I was taking until he'd grabbed my wrists softly and his smile wavered. He was getting better with this whole letting go of control thing but certain things still made him slightly uneasy and I had to be patient. I couldn't just grab him unless he was ready for it, I couldn't move as quickly as I wanted to sometimes because it wasn't comfortable for him and sometimes I forgot.
This was better though, he was more open with his displays of discomfort and it was beneficial for both of us even if his tells were so obvious now. I often had to stop myself from thinking back of times where he had been uncomfortable but didn't know how to tell me to stop without feeling bad.
Thinking this had been another time, i bit my lip hesitantly, pulling back slightly. Before I could apologize, however, Paul had smiled at me, his eyes no longer antsy. I sat still as he relaxed a bit, his dominant hand coming to rest on my cheek, reassurance in his motions and I allowed myself to loosen the tenseness that had risen in my body.
He went to joke, his words coming out soft but intent behind them, "I'm not gonna disappear."
I'd laughed and at that although my chest had constricted and it took a second or two to push past the loneliness that had made itself apparent. I missed him already even if I could feel him and see him and hear him still, I felt like a part of myself was too distant to reach.
Gently, he pulled me closer again by the waistband of my sweats and went to kiss my open chest, biting in spots that he'd discovered long before and it was so comforting yet also alluring sensing how much he knew my body. Throughout our sexual experiences, he'd become more confident and that was so much hotter than being the one in charge because he was comfortable and he was enjoying everything and I felt so desired especially when he'd moved to pull me down and straddle my hips, his lips instantly meeting my torso again.
"A-Assertive Paul is hot."
He smiled against my skin at that, insecurity being masked with a low laugh but in his eyes I could tell that he was still getting used to it and my validation helped. "Is he?" And his mouth was back on me, tongue dipping down before he kissed back up that trail he'd left and he was untying the string on my pants before pulling them down enough to kiss at my v-line, waves of pleasure racing up my body.
"Please." I wasn't sure what I was requesting but Paul knew instantly and he barely wasted any time with pulling my pants off and then his own clothes and those days in the gym were really paying off. Before I could even register what I was doing, my hands were tracing the muscles in his arms and then his perfectly sculpted chest and the metal bars, his breath hitching. I bit my lip when my hands had run down his abdomen and rested on the damn fabric that caused the separation between his groin and my fingertips and I was yanking those off, nearly pulling his boxers off with them.
He shivered, his eyes catching my hand as it ghosted across his skin, moving down to run over his bulge, grabbing it in my hand and stroking through his Calvins. I loved the way he'd looked at me then, his eyes blown wide and his hand had braced itself on the back of my neck, soft, irregular breaths leaving him as he traced a slow pattern on my skin.
"Jules," he was looking directly at me when I'd caught his eyes and then I was pulling his boxers off, him sucking in a gasp of air when I took him in my hand, sitting up as I had to brace myself, I always did. No matter how many times we did this, Paul was big and it was easier than the first time but there was always the beginning hesitation.
I wanted to suck him off though, I really did... at least as much as I could and he seemed to not be opposed. "Can I?" It was a small question but a warranted one, Paul was already turning a bit red and his eyes were way too concentrated on making sure I wasn't moving too fast. His body was giving off warning signs that his mouth wouldn't.
But he didn't stop me, his hands that had previously inched towards mine were now near his sides, fisting the comforter between lean fingers and his voice came out rushed. "y-yeah."
Fuck.
Eyes steady on his, I watched for a reaction as my hand moved, his body already reacting as he tensed a bit with my movements. I watched as his eyes stayed glued to my hand, his teeth worrying away at his bottom lip and Paul nodded his head reassuringly. Every single time we did this, there was always a hitch as he got comfortable and I didn't mind, in fact I learned to expect it.
When he'd nodded, his fingers were flexing by his sides and I took time stroking him gently before lowering my mouth onto him, waiting for any reluctance. He hadn't moved, his body tensing and I could feel fingers threading through my hair as he pushed me further down.
Thankfully, he set the tone, set the pace for how far he wanted to go especially when he'd sat up and allowed me to take over, his back braced against the headboard. I'd held him, unoccupied fingertips pressing into his hipbone and holding it to to bed in hopes he wouldn't be too inclined to push his hips forwards because he was already too big to take him all the way.
I tried though, I definitely did and he was responsive. One of the things I loved about Paul had to have been when we were in this position, my eyes looking up at him, he would always brush his hand through my hair and cuss softly, his skin flushed as far as his tan skin would go.
He would gently push my head down with the hand in his hair, throwing his head back and the muscles in his stomach would tense, all the marks I'd placed on his chest in view.
And I wasn't nearly as good as he was at this but he was always too sensitive to care about whether or not I was amazing at it. He never made me feel bad, another thing I loved; I was so comfortable with Paul and I was never really worried anymore that he didn't enjoy having sex with me.
The air had shifted then as he grabbed my hands, stopping me. And his eyes had softened at that, "Remember the first time we did this?" he smiled, he always had a way of calming me down, of pacing himself and ultimately me and sex with Paul was more than just sex. Sex with Paul was him caressing my skin, words that only I could hear, perusing the planes of his tan skin, kissing the indentations and the scars, experiencing what it was like to love and be loved all over again.
His fingers were tracing across my freckled chest, dipping in between the muscle further down and he hummed, my mind racing to remember what he had previously said. I could barely focus as I let out a, "Mhm," lips parted and air barely allowing itself through before I'd become lightheaded.
He bent forward to press a lingering kiss on my lips before pulling back, my eyes closed and senses heightened as he spoke each word with a finger tracing down my spine and goosebumps trailed not too far behind. He spoke in a hushed voice, lips ghosting my jaw, "Went slow, showed you how much you mean to me, made love."
Only two words took residence in my head, over and over again and I could feel it on the tip of my tongue, "Love me."
"Anytime."
His skin was on mine, his hands pressing and drifting over the side of my ribcage, delicately and almost as if I'd crumble in his hands if he were too rough. Ever since that night, every single time he touched me, it felt like the first time only this time... this time would nearly be the last time we'd have any physical connection before he went back to Michigan to finish moving his things out of the Lighthouse.
He'd leant down to kiss the last spot he'd marked on my body, his lips lingering before he placed a kiss to my stomach and them leaning forward to kiss my lips.
"Please." At my instruction, he'd sped up, and it wasn't as if we didn't have time but more so we'd make use of that time and suddenly, we were both naked, bodies flush against each other and Paul had my leg hiked up. His skin was hot against mine, redness wherever he'd touched. I could feel him everywhere, the only thing leaving my mouth sentiments that I could barely process and I was crying his name as if it were the only word I knew.
"Pablo," His lips were on mind, his hand curved around my ankle and the other holding my face, his thumb brushing across my cheek and he'd hit a spot in me, my eyes watering. I was so overwhelmed, his lips on mine again and he'd led the way, my body locking around his as if it were the one thing I'd been missing my entire life and he'd uttered a rough curse, it fumbling out of his mouth and into the crook of my neck as he sunk into me, filling my entire body and sating me, "Te amo, Pablo."
"Te amo, God, I love you so much," his voice was strained as he pulled out, emptiness filling me before he anchored himself on my thighs and pushed himself back in, a shaky breath leaving him, "eres mi vida."
He'd been saying that a lot recently, especially when he was buried deep inside me and I wasn't sure what it meant but I knew he was being honest. I knew that every single time he said it, he meant it a thousand times over.
Wrapping my legs around his waist, I'd removed one of my hands from around his neck, it clutching his ass and yanking him so far into me I could see stars. My lower back ached in such a good way, it rushing through my body, pleasure skyrocketing and Paul had instantly picked up the rhythm, letting go of his inhibitions and gentle love-making had turned into me clutching his back for dear life, the creaking mattress hitting notes that my cries couldn't reach and my head was thrown back, eyes screwed shut.
His teeth latched around the spot underneath my ear, biting softly and kissing to soothe this sting before he was pushing his head into the crook of my neck, his breaths cool against my sweaty skin and goosebumps erupted.
"I love you so much, angel." He'd repeated in English, his words rushed as he drilled so far into me, I had trouble deciding which part of my body was actually mine. My heart raced a million miles per minute as he looked down at me, his curly hair drenched in sweat as he chased what I could feel building in myself, I tried to catch up.
I wasn't sure what was leaving my mouth but I knew it was incoherent and I could feel every indent in his body melting into mine, I could feel his heartbeat inside of me.
He didn't let up, not even when the door had been yanked open only gibberish emanating from whatever source had entered could make his actions slow. A sheet was overtop of Paul and that was enough for me, I didn't care, that's how insane he drove me. I was on cloud fucking 9 and no random intruder would stop me, it was almost like I didn't hear their discourse, my body moving to pull Paul back to me, to increase how fast he was moving and I'd pulled him back down onto me, kissing at his shoulder.
He'd pushed himself off, eyes wide and bit his lip, "Fuck, I'm sorry." And when he'd pulled out of me, his sorrow turned into a soft "Fuck, baby." under his breath and my surroundings felt clearer, "Angel."
Snapping my eyes open, the sight of my boyfriend above me unsure of what to do was an instant heart attack as was my eyes flickering towards the door and seeing a boy who looked around my age, smirking right back at me.
"Oh my god."
"Hi, Angel." He spoke nonchalantly, entering the room further without closing the door and the idea of anyone walking through the hallways at that moment, it had me sitting up, trying not to wince at the sharp pain in my lower back. "I'm Danny, your roommate."
"Oh," Oh God, no, no, no. Oh fuck no. "Oh." Was that all I had? I was gonna fucking throw up, I was gonna throw up and cry and I could feel my heart racing but Paul's grip on me helped subdue whatever panic the humiliation would cause. I felt mortified, my face heating up at just the thought of Danny seeing whatever he had seen or whatever could've been insinuated from my moaning. I wasn't the quietest person and constant ridicule from Rilee was proof of that. "I-I... fuck." should I even tell him my name at this point? I need a whole new fucking roommate. Almost as if he could sense how much this was bothering me, Paul went to pick up my shirt off the edge of the bed and hand it to me.
"Julian, right?"
I said nothing, it was like I couldn't bring myself to speak. I swallowed past a lump in my throat, hiding further behind Paul. Everything about the situation made me wanna cry, discomfort spiked from my chest to my lower back.
Paul tugged the blanket even further over us, reaching back and lacing his fingers through mine.
Danny just stood there.
"I looked you up, you know?" And my new roommate was still talking, rocking on his heels and his eyes flitted around the room as if he could just now feel it getting awkward. "MVP, 127th in the nation, you're dope, man."
"Do you need something?" Paul's voice was callous, something about it embarrassed me further but I could tell my energy was making him tense.
I kissed his shoulder softly.
"Uh-uh- yeah."
"Get it then."
This was gonna get out and everyone was gonna know and this was gonna be just like high school again, my teammates were gonna know, I wasn't ready for any of that to happen, I can't do this.
Nearly crying in humiliation had instantly alerted Paul as he turned to block me from Danny's gaze, allowing me to freak out with my face buried into his shoulder-blade, my hands clutching his biceps. I wasn't ever gonna live this down, Danny was gonna out me and that would be the end of everything. This was supposed to be a fresh start and now every body would know. I tried not to cry, peeking my head up, lips on my boyfriend's shoulder and I could breathe in his scent, just that was calming.
Awkwardly, Danny had shifted, smiling as if he were nervous and he moved to turn so he was facing his bed.
"You probably wanna get dressed." He'd offered once realizing that he wouldn't be getting a response anytime soon and I could feel how much the length of this interaction was starting to make Paul antsy. He hadn't had much problem with being naked around others, especially not if his body was somewhat covered and he would never see these people again but he knew that even having my shirt off in front of people nowadays was kind of a big thing and I could slowly feel myself panicking.
"Yes." he'd spoken up harshly and Danny seemed to take that with a grain of salt.
"Well, I'm gonna go follow your lead and find some ass for the night. Girls track team, the stamina? Ten outta fucking ten." He'd laughed, grabbing something off his side of the room and exiting almost as quickly as he had barged in.
It was silent afterwards, Paul turning to face me and tug me to his chest, laying down and holding me close when all I wanted to do was get dressed and cry. "You okay?"
Ignoring his question, I sighed into his pectoral, metal grazing my bottom lip before I buried my face into his chest hoping I could suffocate in my personal heaven. "I have to room with a guy that just saw me having sex."
He didn't seem to see the problem, brushing his hand through my hair again and twirling a strand around his finger even if it didn't curl at all. "Rilee has caught us having sex a few times." And at my deadpan, he retracted that statement and tried again, "If it helps, I'm sure you're gonna walk in on him doing the same. Just maybe not as gay."
"Horny roommate, great."
He'd shrugged at that, a smile toying at his full lips and I kind of wanted to kiss it off even if my skin would only end up redder. "At least he's not a homophobe." I'd nodded, trying to hide my blushing cheeks as I went to pull the covers off of me and he instantly sat up, a pout on his blemish-free face. "What're you doing?"
"Getting dressed?" I'd questioned, pulling myself up off the bed, my legs wobbly and I tried to stretch out my body. I had felt slightly wary of being naked, not that my boyfriend hadn't made it so abundantly clear how much he loved my body but... Danny just barging in had made me anxious and then I realized that it was move-in day and I was sure he'd be in and out of the room and I couldn't just lay up and have sex with my boyfriend.
But Paul had other ideas and as soon as my feet had touched the carpeted flooring, he'd leaned over and grabbed my ass, smacking the skin as if I wasn't sore enough already. "Paul!"
He'd been grinning when I turned back around to face him and rolling my eyes was all I could do before he'd scooted closer, my eyes zooming in on his dick and I could see how hard he still was.
"Love me." He'd muttered, wrapping an arm around my waist and pulling me back into the bed and I obliged, allowing him to lay me on my stomach and sink back into me, his mouth letting out a pleased groan on the back of my neck like a man starved. And we hadn't left the bed until he'd been more hungry for food than my body, catching something to eat and heading over to his hotel room in which he'd shown me assertive Paul again and again.
: : :
"Do you really have to go?" I'd asked, of course I'd known the answer to that as we had already been sitting in the airport, his bag at his feet. He'd had an arm around me, holding me to him and for the first time, I wasn't the one who looked as if they were gonna cry.
Paul rarely cried, he wasn't as much of an emotional wreck as I was so when his eyes were bloodshot that morning and he'd been refolding his clothes in his bag, I could tell he had spent time crying before I'd woken up. His voice had been barely there as we said our good mornings and I didn't say anything about it, just pushed my lips into his shoulder blade and hugged his back to my chest, nails gently scratching against his chest through his shirt.
He'd intertwined one hand with mine, pulling it up so he could kiss the skin and I could feel his tears on my hand.
I didn't say anything about that either.
"The guys already rented out the apartment, I need to finish packing." I knew that, I did, I'd just been hoping it wouldn't be. I was wishing he'd decide that I was more important than any of that, that we were but that was too selfish.
"School doesn't start for another two weeks."
And he could tell how much I knew he needed to leave but I just didn't want him to. He'd been holding my hand in his, playing with my fingers and when he'd gotten to my ring finger, he'd lingered a bit, bottom lip in my mouth as he sighed pleasantly. And then his eyes were on mine and they were so beautiful, they were. "I'm staying at my parents' house."
That sparked a worry in me, "But Milo-"
Shaking his head, he smiled so small I could barely see it, "moved out already." Pulling me back to him, he didn't seem to care about how much attention we could possibly attract and honestly, I didn't either. Maybe it was the fact that he'd be gone soon but my boyfriend trumped all of my insecurities and I could find it in my heart to care about how much o a wreck I looked. "I'll be fine, Jules."
I wanted to tell him I wouldn't be, that I would be miserable without him, that I could cry so much just thinking about how far we'd be even if he was right there in front of me. I wanted to tell him that I didn't care as much about soccer as I did about him, that he could stay in California or I could go back with him, that nothing was more important than him.
But I didn't because I knew rash decisions like that would only bring failure and he would never forgive himself for any of that, that I'd regret it as soon as I said it because letting him leave with the insinuation that I wouldn't be okay would eat him alive. I would be okay, I wasn't going to lie.
And I knew I was going to be fine when he'd pulled me back into his chest, holding my body close and I could hear him stifling a cry in my hair. I knew we were going to be okay when he pulled back and looked at me with tears streaming down his face yet a happy smile as I brushed them away, his lips on mine and I was going to be fine because I knew how much he loved me.
And I, him.
So I didn't tell him California was better for him, I didn't, I didn't lie to him.
I just said, "I love you."
And when his plane was off the ground and I sat in the airport, my hand curled around his nameplate that hung from my neck, I wondered if he could hear my heart beating so loud it was almost deafening in my ears.
My heartbeat had quickened to a drum but I found a subtle peace in me. I felt it and I wondered if he felt it too.
THE END.
AUTHOR'S FINAL NOTES:
wow, this has been a long journey.
When I started this book, I'd been first trying to spread diversity to my account, what started as a few pages in my notebook and originally revolving around Calum and Julian came Open: a story about a young boy learning to love himself and allowing love in a world that does everything to prevent it. I wanted to depict a boy who is not only human and a reflection of many people out there but one who has inner turmoil that he overcomes throughout his story, I wanted him to be more than just a character in a love story.
Julian Douglas is the most well-rounded character I've ever written and this book has been my best up to date. That being said, it also is the most personal for many readers.
Open is not only my best story but it is my favorite to tell, these characters weren't just meaningless people in a novel, they felt like real people. People could relate and understand my characters and see a bit of themselves and honestly, that's all I've ever wanted. And they were going through their own things, yes but their journey was also new for me as writing this not only helped me open up my diversity but I realized why exactly it was such a good thing in the first place. The message I've been trying to send with this novel is the same as it has always been: you loving you no matter who decides you aren't worthy of their love, not allowing your experiences to define you no matter how much they try to.
And we've been through so much together, scaling teen-fiction rankings and becoming the talk for many amazing writers and readers. We've done hit nearly a million reads and over 50,000 votes and we're still climbing. This has been an amazing three years, four in January and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
This story has been eye-opening not only to all of you but to me as well with all the extensive research that went into developing Julian Douglas and although a love story is intertwined in the pages, the true love story has always been with Julian and himself.
I want to take the time to thank you guys for reading, for engaging and sharing your personal stories and for loving this book and these characters as much as I have. For opening yourselves up and letting these characters in, giving my words a meaning and building a family... thank you. And I want Open to have a lasting impact on you as much as it has me.
Thank you for allowing me to grow with my characters and thank you for growing alongside me.
And one last note: I want you to know that it is okay no matter where you are on this journey of self-love, it is okay to not be there yet and it is okay to take your time. It is okay to cry, it is perfectly fine to need support and you are strong. Things happen but trust me, there is nothing in this world that is more important than your relationship with yourself.
I love you guys,
Ty
-Monday, August 27, 2018.