Kat
February 24, 2005
*
Three days later
*
Right. Left.
Right. Left.
One foot in front of the other.
In. Out.
In. Out.
Don't forget to breathe.
Right. Left.
In. Out.
Right. Left.
In. Out.
Right. Left.
I love the feeling of the pavement under my feet. I feel so free. I can just lose myself in my head and absorb the nature surrounding me.
In. Out.
Right. Left.
In. Out.
Right. Left.
I finally convinced Ness to come with me, but I'm pretty sure she wants to kill me. If her heavy breathing and frequent requests to stop are any indication.
"Hey, can we take a break? I'm dying over here." I stop next to her as she bends over, hands on her knees, gasping for air. "Oh. My. God." She's sucking in air between each word.
I laugh, taking a swig from my water bottle. "How the fuck are you laughing?" She chugs her water. "I. Can't. Even. Breathe."
She eyes me, still breathing hard. "How the fuck do you do this everyday?" I shrug, smiling. I can do it everyday because I do it every day.
I laugh again, earning a glare. "Bitch!"
She throws her water bottle at me, but I catch it. "It's not my fault you're out of shape, whore."
"Yeah, well, I don't have all the free time you do, apparently." I toss her water back to her, but it bounces of of her hand, landing on the grass.
"Oh yeah? Are you you busy making out with loverboy?" I make kissing sounds as she bends down to pick up her water.
"Yeah, exactly. So, how come you never spend time with your loverboy?" Crap. How did this turn around on me?
"We've just been... busy." And I asked him to leave me alone. That's normal, right? Totally.
"Uh huh... Usually new couples are stuck together for the first few weeks, maybe even months." Why didn't I think of this?
"Well, we're just not normal." In a very literal sense.
"Clearly..." She glares at me, with her hands on her hips. Uh oh. Can she tell it isn't real?
"Ness, what do you want from me here?" I feel a very strong urge to literally run from this conversation.
"I want you to open up about what's going on." Crap. She knows. She has to know. This is bad.
"I don't know what you're talking about." Deny. Deny. Deny.
"What happened? Did you guys have a fight? Did you realize what an ass he is and dump him? Just tell me." Oh, thank god. She doesn't know.
"We just had a little disagreement... and we're taking a little time apart." That's pretty much true. Kinda.
"About what?" She steps closer to me, immediately switching from skeptical to supportive friend.
"Oh, you know..." Crap. What can I say? The level of fakeness to our relationship. Probably not.
"The L bomb." She smacks her forehead. "Of course. I should have known. I'm sorry, Kat."
She steps forward, wrapping a sweaty arm around my equally sweaty shoulders. I feel disgusting. I need a shower.
"Don't worry about it. I'm sure we'll get through this." Mostly because he still needs his end fulfilled, then he will probably drop me like a hot potato.
Oh man... That was so lame, but accurate.
"Of course you will, Katie-bug. You guys are the real deal." Hah! If only she knew.
Don't laugh. It would be totally inappropriate.
I smash my lips together and nod my head. I can't risk opening my mouth for fear of what might come out.
She pulls her arm away. "Can we just walk the rest is the way home?"
I nod when she turns to look at me, still worried about saying anything at the moment.
Maybe I will go for another run tonight, without her, so I can really clear my head.
"Thanks." She sighs, as she walks next to me. "This is much better."
"So, how are you and Nate?" I should try to be a better friend to her. She cares about my so called relationship, I should be interested in hers.
"We're good, actually. Everything is kinda perfect." She grins, showing almost every tooth in her perfect smile.
"Really?" I can't help but be skeptical. They seem to fight all the time.
"Yeah, well, I mean, we just had a huge argument... But we made up and then spent the whole night telling each other everything. It was magical. I think I might... love him." She blushes, but the grin never leaves her face.
"Wow! Really? I'm so happy for you!" Just kidding, I'm actually incredibly jealous. Why can't I have that? I want to be with Ben for real.
Why did I ask him for a fake relationship?
Because you were hoping maybe he would fall for you, if you spent enough time together.
No way. That's ridiculous. I wasn't thinking that, was I?
Oh my god. I totally was!
How pathetic am I? Even in my subconscious I can only get a guy if I trap him and force him to spend time with me.
Not that I want a guy. I don't need another David in my life.
I can't do that again. Seeing him with someone else, doing... those things. I can't imagine trusting anyone else.
You trust Ben.
No, I don't. Shut up, brain. He could be lying about anything.
What if he's not really a virgin?
What if he doesn't really think I'm attractive?
What if he still has feelings for Samantha?
What if he's still seeing other girls?
What if he's actually called another girl Beautiful?
Why does that bother me so much?
Why does any of it bother me? None of it matters because none of it's real.
When we get home, I grab my stuff and head straight for a shower.
Maybe I shouldn't have asked Ben for space. It looks bad on our fake relationship.
I decide to text him as soon as I'm back in the room. Maybe we can fix this. Together.
Me: You busy?
Ben: Kinda. What's up?
Me: How can you be kinda busy?
Ben: At the gym. Do you need something?
Just you, you big jerk.
Me: Nevermind.
Ben: Just tell me, Beautiful.
Me: We need to spend some time together.
Ben: Ok.
Wait, what does that mean? Are we hanging out or not?
Me: Ok?
Ben: Yep. See you Friday night.
Okay... What's Friday night? Am I missing something here?
"Ness? What are your plans for Friday night?" She looks up from her phone, frowning slightly.
"Our double date... Did you forget?" No, this is the first I'm hearing about it. Just act like you are in the loop.
"Oh right..." She looks at me like I'm losing my mind. Maybe I am. "Just forgot it was this weekend."
"You guys don't have to come if things are weird between you." She gives me a sympathetic smile. Crap. I'm back to being pitied again.
"Oh, no. It will be fun. We'll be there." Time to shut that down.
"Fun? Really? I never thought I would hear you say bowling is fun." I cringe. Oh god. No. I hate bowling.
You put on nasty shoes that have had a million sweaty feet in them. Then you stick your fingers inside holes where thousands of dirty fingers have been before.
Then you go up in front of everyone hoping you don't fall or do anything stupid to make a complete fool of yourself. Just to roll a gutter ball. Every. Single. Time.
Okay, that last one might just be me.
I really don't want to go.
But I have to, don't I?
Crap. Crap. Crap!
Vanessa chuckles, as though she can see my internal struggle. "I thought it was weird you agreed to go."
"Yeah well, nobody mentioned what we were doing." Why didn't he tell me? Oh right, I asked for space.
"And by nobody, you mean Ben? This whole thing was his idea." I'm going to murder him.
I groan. "Of course it was." Why didn't I mention that I hate bowling? That should have come up at some point, right?
Yeah, somewhere between all the making out and dry humping.
Oh, hey Ben. I just thought you should know, I hate coconut, liver, spiders and most importantly bowling.
Sure, that's completely normal.
I flop on my bed, holding my phone above my face to type.
Me: Bowling? Really?
I stare at my phone waiting for Ben's reply, but my eyes keep closing until I finally give in to sleep.