I changed my mind at least five times in the few hours I had before I agreed to meeting Noah. Sitting on the cushions littering my living area floor and slurping on the last of my two minute noodles, I could hardly focus on my lecture note without constantly sneaking glances out my balcony doors and contemplating what I'm going to say.
After going back and forth with myself, I decided to be frank with Noah when we meet up. I don't want to be in any relationship that's out of wedlock. Or at the least something that's formal, like an engagement. Even thinking about I can't help but scoff to myself. Mum was right, I'm giving him the option of one of two extremes on a spectrum and can't really expect him to agree to either of name. And even if he did, he's not Muslim, so it doesn't really apply to him anymore.
Once again, my eyes flicker to the balconies, but this time I actually see Noah's shadow reflected on the concrete by his outdoor lamp and instantly I feel the noodles in my stomach tangle and knot in a nervous mess.
Adjusting my scarf, I set the cup on the rickety table and stand. I dust my joggers and look down at my t-shirt, pondering whether or not to throw on a cardi, but when I look up, Noah's already leaning against the banisters and I have to assume he already saw me. I don't want him to think I'm trying.
I make my way to the door and pull it open, letting the warm spring breeze stream through my apartment and raise a couple of hairs on my body.
"Evening." Noah smiles as he rests his forearms on the banister and leans forward.
"Hi." I reply, but once I say it, I realise how unfitting it is. I look down at my feet as I inch towards the banister and wrap my arms around my middle.
"Study well?" He asks.
"Not too bad." I look up, and Noah smiles at me before turning to gaze over the roof tops and car hoods.
He stares at the pathetic view for a while, and when I grow impatient and part my lips to ask him what he wanted to talk about, he beats me to it.
"I like this view." He says and then turns to me. "Don't you?" A frown settles on my face as I look over the zinc roofing once again, thinking that I may have missed something that's remotely likeable.
"What's there to like?" Noah laughs airily as he leans forward and clasps his hands together.
"I like to think of what's going on under the rooves. What families live there, or couples, or friends and I make up stories for each one." He points to a house with a yute parked outside. "I named the guy that lives there Bob, and his neighbor, Margaret." I smile as I picture the two figures in my head.
"So what's their story?" I ask.
"They're hopelessly in love." Noah gives me a wide grin as he brushes loose strands of hair away from his face. I myself can't help the smile that grows wider across my lips at his four word story.
"That's it?"
"Well it's pretty hard to think up an entire plot for everyone."
"Why do you bother then?"
"You think it's stup-" He starts and instantly guilt floods through me at my bluntness.
"No, it's cool." I give him a smile, but shut my mouth to refrain from saying anything else that an pass off as rude.
"Do you want coffee?" He asks after a pause.
"I'm good." I nibble on the inside of my cheek, tasting my dinner and then ask, "What did you want to talk about?"
Noah falters for a moment and I gather that my question comes across as rude and partly dismissive, but, I want to know what he wants to say before I tell him what I've decided. He parts his lips as if to say something then presses them shut and exhales softly through his nose.
"I don't like this." He uses his finger to point between us, making my heart drop a couple of inches deeper into my stomach. "I stuffed up, I know, but have I still got a shot with you?" He finishes by biting his lower lip and standing up straight. His hands mechanically find their way into his pockets as he see-saws on his heels and toes.
"Noah-" My heart drums obnoxiously within my chest, filling me simultaneously with warmth and worry.
"If I convert, will I still have a chance?" I let his words linger for a while and once they settle, I manage to speak.
"If? I thought you said it was a matter of when." Frowning I stare at him, holding his gaze when he looks up.
"It is, but I want to know if you'll still be around."
"You shouldn't convert for somebody else." I can't stop myself from blushing at my statement. That's assuming he's thinking of converting for me. I'm a conceded idiot.
"I'm not." He defends quickly, "But I don't want things being screwed up because of this."
"This," I indicate between the two of us, "has nothing to do with religion." My voice wavers with frustration at his understanding of this situation.
"Then why are you being hostile around me now?" Because you lied.
"I'm not being hostile." I reply, biting the inside of my cheek and crossing my arms tighter around my body. Noah raises his eyebrows but doesn't question it further. He sighs.
"Then what's this about? I told a fib and I said I was sorry, what else should I do? What am I supposed to say?" His words pack a punch, though they remained levelled and calm. If anything that frustrates me more, and the more he speaks the more annoyed I become.
"I wouldn't call it a fib, you lied." My heart drums faster, fuelled with adrenaline, begging to launch everything I've pent up at him.
"And I said I was sorry, and you were alright about it at the time. What's changed?" His brow creases momentarily at his eyes dart over my face.
"It was a pretty big thing to lie about." I try to fake indifference, by shrugging my shoulders and lowering my voice. It comes out sour though and a tad salty as well.
"C'mon, Hana." Noah practically groans and I feel somewhat satisfied that I've managed to get under his skin. "Can we just move on?"
"I just would've liked to know."
"What would that have changed? Would I be a different person to you if I was Christian?" He frowns and so do I, with no proper answer to his question. When all I manage is a feeble shrug Noah presses on. "You never really told me about yourself- how your parents met." He licks his lips, but breaths over them to quickly. My takes a long hard thud against my chest, before it loges itself securely into my throat, creating a painful, continuous pulse. "Did you think I would judge you?"
His voice holds I hint of sympathy- something I hate to hear, but from him I find odd ease. From my outburst with mum, the topic never came up again between Noah and I, and I had settled it to the thought that he had given up, or my little show had told him all he needed to know. I prayed that it was the former, but with the ringing sirens in my ears and the unhealthy beating in my chest, I fall disappointed.
I open my mouth to speak, but the air catches in my throat and I swallow before trying again.
"That has nothing to do with this." I can't bring myself to look him in the eye, because as always, Noah is surely cool, calm and collected, and this time 'round he has a point. He may have lied, but I wasn't truthful either. And just like what he held back on was big, mine isn't any less. Still, I now find it in me to me annoyed at two things- him lying and using the most private thing about me, against me.
"You-" I cut him off.
"I can't choose who I'm born to and under what circumstances-"
"And I can't choose what religion my family follows, and changing something I've grown up with- even if I think it's wrong- isn't that easy." I clench my jaw, as I reel my brain for anything to add to that, anything to use against him that will hurt just as much. "Hana, I didn't judge you and I don't want you judging me either." I hold my breath as he finishes.
"I'm calling it a night."
"Hana-"
"'Night."
"Bloody hell." Is what I hear him curse before I pull my balcony door shut and beeline to my room.
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Pretty loaded chapter towards the end there, but if any of you were early to read the last chapter, you would've gotten an accidental sneak peak into this chapter (lol bad editing). I've decided to write a sequel for this, simply because all the ideas that I have now, seem more fitting for a 'future setting' (not to give anything away ;))
Also, a good frind of mine ArabiaFelix along with a partner have started up an advice column, where they answer your questions/issues/ or anything you need advice for really, with real, honest replies. If you're interested or want to read more than I'm sure ArabiaFelix will be able to help you out.
Anyhow, I hope you enjoy this and let me know your thoughts on what you think is going to happen! Vote, comment, share-let me know what you think :)