Knots

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His eyes brows meet in the middle as a confused expression covers his face. My mouth parts as he speaks, heart drumming crazily, with a full blown blush colouring my face. Quickly, I shut my mouth and attempt to control my breathing without flaring my nostrils.

"No," I stop and close my eyes, reprimanding myself at my stupid answer. "Well, eventually. I mean that's what's sup-"

"You want me to marry you." He says again, this time breaking eye contact with me and looking out at the view; the view just as pathetic as I am. I remain quiet, I have nothing to say anymore. He knew- he knows, I can't answer that question for him. "Hana, do you like me?" I blush and clamp down hard on my bottom lip. I can only manage a nod, before meeting his eyes, set on mine.

"Good, cause I like you too, but-" He clamps a hand over his mouth and rubs the scruff that's formed there since the summer. "God, Hana." The frustration in his voice is picked up loud and clear. "I'm twenty one, your twenty, we can't get married." I can see his jaw tense an then relax as he swallows. All the while my mind is in a state of frenzy. I didn't expect the conversation to turn out this way, I didn't know how it was going to turn out, but definitely not like this. My stomach is in knots, pulling tighter every time he says something. "We haven't even graduated-"

"I didn't say we had to get married now." I manage to say, my voice barely audible to myself, but clear enough for Noah to retaliate.

"But you're saying we can't be anything until we do." I bite my lip and hold back any more words. "Heck, Hana, I've never even thought of getting married. I don't even know if I want that. I don't know if I want to get married or if I want kids or a mortgage, or if I want to stay in one place my whole life." His words are quick and fall out of his mouth like a waterfall of confessions, one falling after the other in a rapid stream of confusion and fear. I let them skin in, soaking me from head to toe, as I hold back stubborn tears stinging at the backs of my eyes and threatening to spill with every shake of my bottom lip.

I'm not sure how I feel, but I'm assuming this is heartbreak. The feelings of hurt, anger and sadness mixing together to pound your heart, leaving you completely devastated. It's the low after an unimaginable high, where strings have been tethered unexpectedly, and you're left to crash.

He waits for me to say something, anything, but I don't. He's said it all- answering my said and unsaid questions, with truths I never expected. And so, we fall into silence, me focusing on the lines on my palms whilst I feel Noah staring at the crown of my head. For the first time, the silence is desperate, almost pleading us to break it, to lessen the tension surrounding us, but I can't bring myself to do it. I can't trust my voice or the words I'll say.

"Can't we just live for now?" He rubs his face, seeming nearly as affected as I am, but he can still manage to speak. "I'm sure of now, I'm sure about you." He confirms.

"That's not going to work." I have to swallow down a lump in my throat that lodges somewhere in my chest, making breathing unbearable. I stand, dusting of my joggers as Noah follows suit.

"Wait, Hana-" I stop and turn around, waiting for him to continue. "What-" He raises his arms with a helpless shrug and drops them to his sides, "What are we going to do?" The look of worry that crosses his face doesn't go unnoticed, and he doesn't try to hide it. It hurts, for the both of us. My eyes slowly become watery and my nose feels congested as I try to pull myself together.

"I'm going to wait. And you can go figure out what you want." I don't mean to come across as passive-aggressive or blunt or offended. But I can't hide the evident hurt I feel. It hurts a lot and breaks my heart and burns. I turn away before my voice completely wavers into a sob and my tears slip.

"I'll see you, okay?" It comes out as a stressed question, fast and desperate for an answer.

"Yeah." I walk into my apartment, not bothering with the door. I make a bee line to the kitchen, where mum is flicking through the Curtis Stone cook book I bought a while back.  A shaken exhale falling from my lips catches her attention, while I try to calm myself. I don't want to cry, I'm not going to cry. I don't want to be the girl that cries over a guy. I did this to myself- I stupidly fell for him, and this is what I get. A kind of immediate lesson for my wrong doing.

I take a few deep breaths as mum closes the book and watches me carefully. She doesn't say anything, grabbing a glass and filling it with tap water before passing it to me. I take it and have a sip, and when she's somewhat sure I'm not going to cry, she asks.

"What happened?"

"Nothing, nothing happened." My voice is flat and barely a whisper. "He said he doesn't know what he wants." I shrug and sniffle, reach for a tissue on the counter top.

"What's that supposed to mean?" She rests her elbows on the counter and balances her head on her palms.

"It means," I take a shaky breath, "He doesn't know if he wants to get married or have kids or a permanent house, because he's only twenty one." It gets harder to speak as I recount it, and I feel the sobs starting to come up again.

"What did you expect Hana?" Mum walks around the counter to wrap an arm around my shoulders. "He has a point, you're both too young." I pull away from her hold to face her, as she continues. "You gave him an ultimatum, I told you that wouldn't work." Her shoulders slump as she speaks, her tank top sleeve slowly slipping off her shoulder. I frown and bite down on my lip as her words settle within me.

"So what did you want me to do?" I ask, annoyance and anger building up at the fact that she's taking his side. "I already took your advice. I went with him on a date, and now he asked me again but I declined. He probably thinks I'm a hypocrite, going out on dates one day and then preaching about halal relationships and marriage the other." I wipe under my nose with the tissue.

"I'm just saying you should have kept your options open, more than two at least." She crosses her arms over her chest almost defensively.

"What options mum?!" I'm beyond frustrated- neither of them understand, they just don't get it. "They're aren't any other options! I'm not going to play around or fuck with him, to get myself pregnant and have a bastard child, and regret the rest of my life with the person I thought I liked! Last time I checked that plan didn't turn out very well for you or Baba!" I regret it as soon as it leaves my mouth, but in my moment of pent up anger and frustration I give in and voice what I've been holding on to- what I've been living with all my life. My chest rises and falls in a series of remorseful huffs as mum stares at me wide eyed and speechless. "I'm sorry." I lower my gaze to my feet as guilt starts to gnaw at me.

"You might want to close the door." Is all she says before placing a hand on my shoulder in passing as she walks into my room. I swallow, feeling more miserable than I had before- having not only blown my chances with Noah, but ruined my relationship with mum.

Dragging my feet to the door, I grab the handle to pull it shut, but freeze when I catch a glimpse of Noah walking back into his apartment.

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Well then...who saw that coming??? I did, and for a long time now, lol! I found this really difficult to write, considering I'm not much of a fighter, and I'm nothing like Hana, so I wouldn't have a clue about how she feels (to be a product of a haram relationship). I hope I haven't offended anyone by the way, this is completely fictional and from a potentially biased Muslim perspective of my character- not me.

Also I apologize for the swearing, but let's be real, when you're worked up, you can't control your tongue. Sorry to leave it at a cliffhanger again, but the story is yet to reach it's climax. Hold on there and stay tuned!

Vote, comment, share- let me know what you think! :)



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