I died. So they tell me. My heart stopped. Flatline. I'm not sure what went on. I think an anxiety attack. Too much stress I think. I wake up and Zach isn't in the room. I still feel like I'm breathing funny even with the mask. My doctor had just left he room and I say there and waited for the next step. After almost 15 minutes the door creaks open. Zach comes in and sits beside of me. I look up at him and he looks down on me and then butts his face in his hands. His body shudders and I realize he is crying. I remember what he said before I kind of blacked out.
I thought you said you'd never leave?
He signed to me. My limbs are weak and I can barely move them. I grit my teeth and pick my hand up and lay it down in Zach's knee. He peeks out of his fingers and removes his hands from his face. He picks up my hand and bring it to his lips, leaving it there for a moment then bringing it down onto the bed but his grip doesn't waver. His eyes are puffy and tears still stain his cheeks. I could tell he was a little embarrassed about it, but I don't think it matters. I wanted so bad to tell him I was sorry for scaring him. I was sorry if upset him.
I didn't leave you. I sign slowly with my shaky hand. It fell onto my bed and I felt Zach squeeze my other hand.
I thought you were dying. Zach signed.
Me too. I reply.
They have to keep you here for a few days to monitor your heart rate and all. Zach clarifies and I slowly nod my head. I closed my eyes for a moment but opened them up again.
Don't close your eyes Holly. I don't want to lose you. He signs quickly.
You won't lose me. I reply but keep my eyes focused on him.
•••
I felt the wind whip through my hair with the open car window. I was one of the few who got the privileges of cars in this town. Nobody really owned cars and the roads were bare. Some people would ride bikes on them though, because why not? But I was in a fancy black car with the windows rolled down. My stomach didn't twist around and my head didn't pound. I felt... Content. I looked beside of me and Zach was there also. I reached my hand over to his hand and my fingertips barely touched his before my body was thrust forward.
I woke up in my bed and took in my surroundings. Once again a dream. I sighed and got up to get ready, that including, vomiting out my insides. I walked in for breakfast and swallowed a few biscuits with sausage patties. I got up earlier than the rest of the girls so Mrs. Walls had just finished breakfast and retreated out of the room. I finished it quickly and blinked after I hadn't regurgitating it all. I smiled and went to get ready with a light blue tank top and white denim shorts. I decided on a white cap and a touch of makeup. I left for school and walked most of the way there with Zach. We went through the day as usual and Meredith invited me over after school. She said her parents weren't going to be home, because they were out of town on a work trip and she was lonely. I agreed to her offer, maybe I could get a small life? So after school I walked to Meredith's house which was beautiful. It wasn't any mansion of even the biggest house on the street, but the house was beautiful. She actually lived on the "rich people road" so I think that's what they call it because none of them are apartments like almost everywhere here.
It was a tan colored brick house which had many windows. The steps to the front door were cement and on the small deck they had chairs and flowers in pots. She took me through the front door which was mostly made of blurry glass and straight through the inside of the house which had creamy colored walls and painting with quotes on them decorating the rooms. She led me up wooden steps silently and into a hallway which had three doors. One door contained her room which she room me in. The room was a light slate color and the back wall was fully painted in a beautiful design. It was a field full of roses and one daisy had sprouted in the middle. Along the top it read,
Why would you pick a daisy in a field full of roses?
I turned toward her and toon her paper from her. Did you paint that? I ask her and she nods. We sit down on her full size bed and talk back and forth. She starts,
How's is chemo going?
How did you know? Hair give it away? I don't ever feel good if that answered anything.
Oh.
So are you new here?
Yeah. Just came a few weeks ago.
Why here?
My parents just wanted to get away.
Oh.
Yeah.
And all of that teen girl talk. She seems so nice and I wanted to get to know her more and I decided to try with her, because it's not everyday somebody decides to be nice to me. I go back to the orphanage and scrub the makeup off my face and shower then change into comfortable sweat pants and a loose shirt. I lay down and realize I'm happy. Well, as happy as a girl can get going through chemo at least. And I think I can thank Zach for that. Thank him for wanting to live. And thank him for helping me live. I wasn't just a presence on this earth. I was living.