By two weeks' time, Iris's training schedule had all but become habitual. Every day, she would do seemingly the same damn rotation: wake up, eat breakfast, receive hours of ass-beating --courtesy of Hench, go get lunch, practice meditating, eat dinner, go over combat techniques on her own, read at the library, and then go to bed.
And just like every day for the past nine days, she was tired and sore. And what was worse? She didn't really have anyone to talk to for the past six of them. Kayde had left on an escort mission, much to Iris's disdain. Which left Hench. Given, Iris definitely didn't mind the woman. She was about as kind as she was large, and to this moment, she had never boasted about her abilities, even with all the bruises she'd left on the rogue's skin.
Yet, they didn't know each other --at least, not well. Iris felt as if she were walking on eggshells sometimes as they spoke. As if she could tread easily onto forbidden territory --territory that she'd already breached a couple times without meaning to, actually. She shivered as she thought about that dark look that Hench could conjure right from thin air.
Iris shoved the thought from her mind entirely as meditation hour was finally drawn to a close by the sweet toll of the dinner bells. Gods, had she already learned to love that sound. She would take getting smacked around with a pole all day, every day if it meant she didn't have to sit down quietly for two hours and think.
All the other guardians looked so refreshed coming up from meditation, like they'd just taken a serene nap or danced in the rain or some shite. But Iris? Left alone to her thoughts, she was insufferably bored. Unlike them, she didn't believe in some profound inner peace and she had no god to pray to anymore.
And if worse came to worse? She'd reminisce. About her mother, about her aunt, about Zayn... about her father. All of those memories she bore in her head were too damn painful. Before Iris knew it, meditation would suck her into a hollow, black hole. She would despair without power to stop it. Emptiness would fill her up to the very brim.
At any rate, Iris was up faster than any of them and barreling out of the room with the force of a wild horse.
As per usual, she was one of the first to the dining quarters. And just like always, she got her plate, thanked Cook, and went to eat alone. Or so she thought. Iris was able to take only a couple bites into her food and a familiar face came right through the door. At the sight of Kayde, she wanted to jump up and go see him. Gods, she had missed him a lot more than she originally assumed. The stability of a truly familiar person in a hall of strangers drew her itch to go stand with them.
But she didn't.
Even though he was about her only friend here... he had other friends. He was talking to them too and she decided it was probably best not to interrupt. Iris watched as Kayde laughed with them. An action she used to do a lot --gods, it looked so easy for him. It used to be easy for her as well. The laugh fit his face well over the somber expression she'd seen him wear a great deal of times.
As she chewed another portion of her meal, she observed him as he carried on with his business. He seemed so free. It looked as if he had not a care in the world. Even from over here, something about the way he carried himself eased her --relieved something inside of her. For so many months, her life had been naught but a downward spiral that was so hard to endure. She had almost forgotten that life could be simple... unhampered... happy.
Zayn had tried so hard to help... to break her sadness. But Iris could see it. The stress of his job and their situation laden his shoulders with heavy weights, just about dragging him down with her. And for some time, the spirit had left his eyes too.
That, in and of itself, was another reason she'd left. Iris feared that if she had stayed too much longer... he would begin to resent her. And why shouldn't he? Even if it wasn't her fault, she could see why she might've not be a positive influence on his life.
She shoved the thought away.
After a few minutes, Kayde sat down in front of her unceremoniously, like it was his very own place in the world for that moment in time. He issued a nod and began eating without so much as a word to Iris.
"Err... hello, yourself?" The words came out as a question. Kayde looked up at her with a raised brow.
He swallowed his bite. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
"You just sat down." Even as Iris heard the words come from her lips, she realized she sounded inane.
"I did," he said slowly. "Do you want me to sit elsewhere? I can certainly move."
"No," she answered a mite too fast. "Forgive me." Now, Iris put her utensil down and began rubbing her temples. "Hench probably knocked something loose in my head this morning with that blasted pole. You sitting there is fine... just didn't expect such a casual approach."
"You practically summoned me with that stare, dear girl." So he'd noticed.
"Sorry about that," she apologized, though not seeming too bothered at having been caught. "You just looked cheerful and I suppose it's just odd seeing people that way again. I went so long," she paused, "...so long without seeing so much as a smile. Even though I was responsible for it, I guess... it's refreshing, indeed, to come back to a life with some degree of joy."
He considered her words for a moment. "Eat fast. There's something we must do after dinner." He did not say more.
And she did. She ate as quickly as she could --though some of that was because she was so damned hungry. Kayde led her outside of the monastery. The sky was full of stars and it was all she could do but stare at them... them and the moon. It was full tonight, shining light over their path. Even after all these years, she had never broken her words to her mother: she had always loved the nighttime.
They paused after about a mile of walking. The forest around the monastery came to a direct halt, and Kayde guided her from it and the edge of a bluff. It was a high one for sure... because Iris could see for miles and miles beyond. In fact, in the distance, she could swear she saw the lights of a tiny village.
The sprawling lands and the glowing sky made for a wondrous sight indeed. And for the moment, the only sound that could be heard were the various bugs of the night mixed with the hint of haunting wolf howls from below. Iris was quiet as she took it in, while Kayde simply sat down on the steep edge, his feet dangling down.
After a few seconds, Iris sat down beside him. "It's beautiful out here. So serene. So quiet." She took a breath. "Why am I here?"
"Because I happen to like this spot very much," Kayde said, "All the guardians find it sooner or later, anyways." He paused for a long moment and then said, "You looked like you needed to talk. Or forget everything. Or perhaps even scream to the top of your lungs right off the edge of the world. This is a good place to do all of those things."
"Perhaps I will."
Silence ensued for a very long while, while Iris stirred her racing thoughts.
"It wasn't your fault," Kayde finally said to her. Noting her confusion, he explained himself. "You said at the dinner table you were responsible for the sadness. You weren't. Your father died, Iris. You do have the right to mourn."
"I know," Iris answered, looking off into the distance. "But it was more than that. I was hollow. For two weeks after my father died, I said not a word to anyone. I pushed everyone away. It must've broken everyone around me, because I returned to find everything had gone to hell. I tried so hard to fix things. For months. It was so exhausting. Renna... I tried so hard to pick her up off the ground. It did nothing. How can you save someone who can't see you through the haze of drunkenness? And Zayn," she paused. "He tried. Gods bless him, he tried so hard too. He tried up until the moment I left. But shutting him out damaged him. I knew that it would, even while I was doing it... but I couldn't help it. I was devastated." The words that she'd been desperate to say spilled out like vomit. "It is all my fault. I've ruined the people I love --the people that love me."
Kayde chuckled, but it was humorless. "You and I know better than that. I thought you learned during the war that it was about time you stopped believing you were a waste. Don't pity yourself, dear girl. I say that as your friend. You are not hollow. You are not broken. You are a fire. And the fire yields to nothing. It swallows the obstacles in its path and they make it stronger." He paused. "You've ruined no one."
Iris appreciated his words. She shook her head, though. "And what of you?"
"What of me?" he asked.
She willed herself to say it, despite how uncomfortable the subject might be. "I hurt you, Kayde. I know I did. When you left me in Wallfront that night... what you said to me..." she paused, not wanting to delve into specifics. "It wasn't the same after that. When you came to Oraborn... you were so distant. Like we weren't good friends anymore. You say this is a good place to scream off the edge; how many times did you come here to do just that? Because of --because of me?"
He exhaled suddenly, not expecting those words. "Iris, girl, do we really want to go into all that? This soon?"
"And why not?" she asked. "The longer the horse lingers in the corner, the more uncomfortable it becomes to talk about it."
"That's one way of putting it," he snorted, and then sighed. "I was never mad at you for the decision you made. Bitter, yes. At the time. But you chose right for you. You love Zayn tremendously. I know that and I am happy for you, dear girl." He smiled wistfully. "Perhaps I did spend a few nights here, trying to clear my head from all that happened. You're right in that. But I am not broken. I have never been broken and I know that. I've always known that. And I am not ruined so stop feeling guilty, damn it. I've had time and I've healed. People do that." He took a breath and thought for a second. "Even as all-encompassing as it can be, love is not be-all end-all. If it's not worked at and properly cultivated, then it fades."
He looked out to the night now. "If they allow themselves, any person can move on and find love in someone else."
"I don't know what to say."
"Then don't say anything," he countered. "And don't give up on yourself, either."
"And if I have?" She couldn't look him in the eyes as she said it.
He shook his head. "You haven't."
She let out a stark laugh, and it echoed throughout the night. "How could you possibly know that, Kayde? We've only just become acquainted again. You weren't there when my father died --you didn't see what it did to all of us. To me. How can you know?"
"Like I said, it's because you're a fire. You are spirited and you are a fighter. And if that doesn't convince you," he paused, "Because you're here."
"Because I'm... here?"
"Yes." He gave her a sort of smile. "You're here at this monastery and suffering gods know what at the hands of our dear Hench. You're training and finding yourself, just like you were before. And you know at the end of it, they're going to try and test the very strength of your spirit. They are going to try and break you into pieces at your trials but you're doing it despite knowing that to prove that you are worthy for what is undoubtedly one of the most honorable and selfless jobs you could have." He looked into her eyes. "I don't know many people that come here because they've given up on life... they come instead because they're alive, because they want to protect. They believe they have a contribution to make to humanity and so they make it."
Now, it was Iris's turn to chuckle, feeling coils of inspiration wrap around her soul again. It felt good to have them there. "Did anyone ever tell you that you give one hell of a pep talk?"
"I've been informed of that, yes. Seems it's a specialty of mine," he said. "Now... you've have your time to talk. You've also had your time to think and reflect and forget. Now I want you to stand up and yell whatever you please as loud as you can over this bluff. Yell and scream until you have no voice. Beseech your gods, let out your profanities, or shout out what you had for dinner... whatever. Just let it out. Trust me."
She trusted him. She yelled.
It felt good. She gave all her energy to it, releasing every bit of long pent-up emotion right into the wind. It started out as curses and then went to just plain shouting. After some time... her voice went hoarse. Her throat hurt like mad but her heart felt good.
"Better?" Kayde asked after he was sure she was finished.
She nodded. "Better."
"Good. Let's go then." He gestured back the way he came. "It's been a while since you and I have had a good spar, yes?"
Iris grinned in response. The first one she'd managed in a long time. Oh yes. Yes, indeed.
And so they began the trek back.
A/N - Thanks all for the read! Don't forget to let me know what you think!