Those days all I did was sleep. I slept in the morning, I slept in the evening, I slept in the night. The other thing I did besides sleeping was crying, whenever I was awake, I cried. So mom preferred me sleeping.
No man came in my room after that incident; even dad looked at me through the door always with unshed tears in his eyes. Why did he cry? Who hurts him?
I was lying on the bed staring at the ceiling with tears from my eyes making my pillow wet. Mom came and sat beside as she always did. The only thing mom did those days was to care for me except absolute necessary work. She started crying; I looked at her then looked back at the ceiling. Mom cried as much as I did, I guess someone had hurt her as someone had hurt me.
"You know Maira?" Mom asked wiping her tears with the back of her hand. "Who hurt me?"
"No," I said, "maybe dad?"
"No" mom replied.
"Then who?"
"You."
Those words felt like a bomb had been dropped in front of me. I sat up straight on the bed.
"No mom," I said. "I didn't hurt you."
"But you did hurt me," Maria mom said with conviction.
"No" I cried "I never meant to hurt you."
She made me stand in front of the mirror.
Small hairs, about an inch, were now growing on my scalp, my eyes had dark circles around it, my skin was very pale covered with burn marks of cigarettes' and many irregular scars. My collar bones protruded beneath the skin. It was like I had become a skeleton with a layer of skin covering it. Rizwan's words echoed in my ears "you have become ugly" but I felt grateful because I was no longer sexy or hot.
I moved away unable to look at myself anymore.
Moms said "don't give up on yourself Maria, don't let him put you in a jail made by your own mind. Never give the evil satisfaction of breaking you or putting you to shame."
"Shame" I repeated," that's what he said, he will put us all to shame."
"Who Maria? Who is he?" Mom asked.
"He, he is a monster mom, a devil. He doesn't look like one though. But I saw it in his eyes, he had the devil in his eyes" I explained.
"What was the devil's name?" Mom tried to coax it from me.
"I will not tell" I whispered. "If I tell you he will hurt me again or worse he will hurt you."
I went back to my bed and covered myself with the blanket in order to protect myself from the devil. I feared he might come from anywhere.
Mom came near me and asked in a smooth manner "tell me the name Maria we will punish him for hurting you."
I put my head on my knees without answering. She repeated the question again and again. When she realized I was not going to answer she left defeated.
Mom applied aloe vera gel on my burn marks twice daily uttering "Bismillah" every time she touched a new burn. She had become as shattered as me. she never left my side and slept with me during nights as I had begun waking up screaming and drenched in sweat as I had nightmares of Rizwan attacking me again. Though he was not present he had become a ghost in my life who didn't let me live in peace. I saw dad near my door most times he was at home after the job. He always had a broken expression on his face. The free spirit that he was, being happy and making others happy was now gone. He had become an alter ego of that person who never smiled.
I felt guilty for causing them pain. I had lost hope for myself.
I was afraid of the darkness as it reminded me of the nights I had laid crying but no soul came to rescue me; I was afraid of the light as it brought the demon responsible for my darkness. I was afraid of the water as it had tried to take the bit of life left in me. I was even afraid to breathe as I feared that my breath can bring my demon back and didn't wanted to be afraid anymore and surely didn't want my parents afraid for me anymore. I was unable to see their plight in front of my eyes. I saw my mom drifting to sleep beside me and I started writing a letter. I wanted to give my parents an explanation of why I took the step. I didn't want them to think that they were putting less effort to keep me alive and safe. I began to write
Dear mom and dad,
I love you and I know you love me more than I deserve. But I am sorry. I cannot see you in pain anymore caused by my wretched life. The word broken could not be used for me because a broken thing could be repaired. I am crushed. Crushed, into such tiny pieces that it is impossible for me to be whole again. I have been through things I would not dare tell you because doing so would shatter you like me. You can see the bruises on my body but know that they run far deeper in my soul. Both of you, in trying to make me whole is becoming as broken as me and I don't want that to happen. I don't want you guys to suffer anymore. You have done your best for me but I have no will left to live. I have thus decided to end your sufferings along with mine. Please forgive me for failing you and causing you tremendous pain. You don't deserve that. I feel blessed and grateful that Allah has given me parents like you. Love you a lot. Please live in peace after me.
Shattered yet bound by your love,
MARIA.
PS: It was Rizwan.
My hand trembled when I wrote his name but my parents had the right to know who destroyed their daughter's life. I folded the paper and kept it on the side table. Opening the antidepressants bottle that doctors had given me. I took a handful and gulped and kept the empty bottle as a paperweight on my suicide note.
I closed my eyes waiting for them to close forever.
Allah had something else planned for me; I opened my eyes in the hospital with my parents beside me. They smiled at me and said "Alhamdulillah".
Showing me the letter mom said "we love you more than you can ever comprehend Maria and we are not going to lose you again. She leaned and kissed my forehead "my precious child". Dad didn't move from his place. Fear evident in his eyes of my reaction.
"Why is he not letting me die?" I let out a frustrated sigh at my failed attempt.
"Because he has something planned for you, Maria". Mom said "Your life will not be defined by one horrible incident. I will not let that happen. You have to define yourself. Allah never makes anyone without purpose and will not take his/her life until they fulfill that. I will help you find that purpose. But in order to do that I need your help. You should stop reliving your days in that hell and believe in yourself. You should write your own story not how you have been destroyed but how you have built yourself after that."
I nodded. But I knew it would be the hardest thing to do, to forget about the past when they were scars on my body reminding of it every single second.
"Promise me Maria," dad said "you will not attempt anything stupid after today, no matter how hard the survival becomes. You will fight through it because my dear you are a survivor and besides you will always have us."
I nodded again.
I never saw my parents cry after that, at least in my presence, they had become strong to make me strong and I found my will to live again not for myself but for them. I felt that I owed that much to them.
"Police has launched a manhunt of Rizwan," dad said "that bastard will not escape. They are showing his face on TV and every police station in the country has been notified. He is not getting away at any cost."
Along with Rizwan, I had become famous too; my tragedy had become a cover story of many leading dailies who wanted to interview me as if I were a celebrity. Most of them sympathized with me condemning Rizwan, while many others blamed me for seducing him. They said he would not have kidnapped her if she had kept herself covered. Not revealing her beauty. Along with dealing with my own scars now, I had to deal with people's comments about it. That cut deep in my already bleeding heart. We didn't allow the media to get into the house but Dad had the most difficulty dealing with them as they reached him at his office to get his comments. He had no idea that this would become so huge when he requested inspector Prakash who already had his heart into it to intensify the manhunt by showing Rizwan's face on TV. Dad wanted Rizwan behind bars at any cost. Little did he have an idea that it would cost us huge. If a few family members and friends knew about me, now I had become the talk of the town. I felt ashamed about everything and all I wanted amidst this mayhem was to dissolve in oblivion where I could find myself again and I found it in my grandmother's house in Coorg, Madikeri.