There are some things you learn best in calm, and some in storm.
Three Days after the hospital visit.
Sunday.
RJ took a sip from his coffee and eyed his cousin. The boy had a heavy inflexibility in his eyes, moved as if gathering suffering unto himself, unmindful of its vast weight, spoke as if incapable of yielding, of denying the gifts of his spirit.
It was five in the morning, and he was situated in the kitchen busily preparing the food for the surprise picnic he would give to Maine.
"Ang aga mo ah?" Jerald shot back as he rubbed his eyes before giving out a yawn. "I want to go out on a picnic with Maine" RJ casually voiced.
His cousin automatically shifted his eyes to the clock that was hanging on the wall above the pantry.
He sighed before plopping on one of the kitchen stools "don't you think it's a bit too early for a picnic?" RJ didn't bother to look at Jerald as he was busy placing the orange juice inside a bottle "It'll be sunrise soon enough, and I want to see it with her" he projected before closing the lid shut.
Scoffing, his cousin rolled his eyes as he swayed left and right on the rotating stool
"is something wrong?" RJ immediately turned his head to Jerald, a panicked look arousing from him platonic expression.
RJ noticed the change and shifted it back to a nonchalant one "Uhh, wala naman bkit?"
Jerald shrugged before plopping his elbow on the kitchen counter and laid his head on it "I don't know, you just seem distant these past few days"
"You're thinking too hard" RJ defended as he began wrapping muffins and placing them inside a bag.
"I'm not the only one, Meng thinks so too" Jerald cooly cooed.
"Remind me to tell her not to hang out with you too much, she's picking up on your abnormally weird observations" RJ cried with a smirk.
"Oh, go find a big hole and jump in" his cousin rebuked quickly. "There is no bigger hole on this planet than the one currently residing between your ears. You know, the blackish thing where all the information goes to die" RJ teased before grabbing the bag prepared for the picnic.
"I'll be gone for a while, so I'll see you later" RJ voiced before leaving for the front doors.
****************************
He sat in front of the porch of the Mendoza residence as he waited for Maine to come out.
RJ had called her ten minutes ago in her mobile phone, afraid that if he knocked on the door, he would wake Coleen and their father.
RJ told Maine to get dressed and come out, and though Maine was still half asleep when hearing it; she immediately complied.
RJ gave out a sigh, tucking his hands inside his pants pocket. The breeze was cool since it was still the early hours, and the sky was painted in darkened sapphire.
RJ eyed the cracks of the pavement underneath him as he watched an ant slip in and out of the crevice.
He waited there for a few more minutes before he felt a poke on his shoulder. Jerking his head to the culprit, he gave out a wide smile as he wrapped Maine in a tight hug.
The slim girl giggled before planting a kiss on RJ's cheek. "so why are we up so early?" she asked in a curious manner.
Releasing her from the hug, RJ grabbed Maine's hand and quickly dragged her towards his car with a light chuckle "Come on, I want to show you something".
Seating themselves inside the vehicle, Maine turned her head to the taller boy, flashing her a wide smile "So, ano yung gusto mong ipakita sakin" she chirped.
RJ buckled up his seatbelt as he placed his hands on the steering wheel "I want to go watch the sunrise with you" he voiced with a flushed face.
Maine was speechless for a while, eyes locked on him "I...I... don't know what to say. RJ, that's... really sweet of you, thank you" she managed as a permanent smile was draped across her lips.
RJ shrugged, trying to display a sense of causality about the whole thing though his heart was beating like a marching band's drum.
Coughing, he pressed on the gas pedal and asked "Anyways, nag breakfast kana ba?"
Maine shook her head, biting her lip she answered "Nope, not yet, why?"
"Good, cause I packed breakfast for us" RJ replied with a warm smile.
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Soundtrack: Boyce Avenue – Find Me [Play for a better reading experience]
They sat down on the patch of grass on a rounded hill, overlooking the eastern horizon. It was a good thing the town was small, it had an air of the country side but was still developed like a city; and like all country sides, people didn't have to look very far to find a place uninhabited by modern growth.
It had taken them a half hour drive to get here, just in time to get a front row seat for mother nature's first show of the day.
Maine and RJ huddled together, basking in each others presence as they ate the meal. It was quiet, except when a few unlikely vehicles whizzed by on the nearest road. They talked, about everything and anything as they waited for the sunrise.
"So, why did you want to do this all of a sudden?" Maine asked in an elated manner as she leaned her head against RJ's shoulder.
The boy chuckled before playfully answering the question with another "Why, I can't be spontaneous?"
Maine giggled before shaking her head "Wala naman akong sinabing ganun"
RJ and Maine watched as the orange glow lit up the frame of their vision gradually. The light was as intense as a love affair. They were blinded, delighted, not just because it was warm and wonderful, but because nature measures nothing. Nobody needs this much sunlight. Nobody needs droughts, volcanoes, monsoons, tornadoes either, but we get them, because our world is as extravagant as a world can be. We are the ones obsessed by measurement, the world just pours it out.
RJ shifted his gaze from one beauty to the next; Maine. This was it, his real reason for doing all of this.
To say the three words that were tugging on his heartstrings. He didn't want to overdo or overuse the word, he wanted to say it with sincerity, affection, and perfectly in this perfect moment.
Without fear or hesitation, the word edging slowly across his lips. I say I'm in love with her. What does that mean? It means I review my future and my past in the light of this feeling. It's as though I wrote in a foreign language that I'm suddenly able to read. Wordlessly, she explains me to myself. Like genius, she is ignorant of what she does.
Perhaps love is like that; not a contract between equal parties but an explosion of dreams and desires that can find no outlet in everyday life. Only this passion will do and while the fireworks last the sky is a different color.
Maine turned her head to gaze at the boy; who softly planted a kiss on her forehead, then to the tip of her nose and then to her lips.
Everything was silent, except for the birds that have begun to sing their morning ballad.
Their lips slowly parted as RJ kept his eyes locked on her, the words slipping out.
"I Love You"
He felt free in that moment, as free as the clouds looming above; I think now that being free is not being powerful or rich or well regarded or without obligation but being able to love. To love someone else enough to forget about yourself even for one moment is to be free.
Yes, he said the most clichéd phrase in existence but he was talking about the real thing, the grand passion, which may not allow affection or convenience or happiness.
The truth is, that love smashes into your life like an iceberg, and even if your heart is built like the Titanic; you go down. That's the size of it, the immensity of it. It's not proper, it's not clean, it's not containable.
Maine sat there with a contrite expression, silent. At first RJ found his self baffled by this sudden rapid change in demeanour, but then he realized that the girl was afraid.
"I'm sorry" the slim girl cried as she lifted herself up from the patch of grass and hastily jogged away to the vehicle parked on the road; tears in her eyes.
[end soundtrack]
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Soundtrack: Snow Patrol – Chasing Cars [Play for a better reading experience]
[flashback- Note: This is in Maine's P.O.V]
"Arrhythmogenic right ventricular dysplasia" The doctor voiced weakly, never daring to look at us in the eye.
Words were powerful, earth-shattering, ground-breaking, life-halting. "I'm sorry, what did you say?" My dad asked in a furious manner, I could see his hands gripping the arms of his chair tightly, his jaws clenched.
"ARVD, for short. I assume you would know, considering she did inherit it from her mother" The man croaked in a quiet tone as he kept rubbing his palms on the hem of his white coat.
I couldn't feel anything, it felt like I was numb or just watching another one of those E.R dramas.
Maybe it was a good thing. I watched my dad pound the doctor's table with a devastated look on him "No, no, but that's not possible... she's just a child" he meekly said "AVRD is a inherited heart disease.... I'm sorry, but we need to move on and talk about how we can
deal with this" he said with an air of professionalism.
"Is my baby going to be alright?" my dad whimpered as he looked at me with glassy eyes. I turned my head back, I couldn't dare look at him. I hated seeing him sad.
The man nodded feverishly with hope in his eyes "Of course, Pharmacologic management for AVRD is a good candidate for her, we'll set her up with Sotalol, a beta blocker and a class III antiarrhythmic agent.... it's the most effective drug for this disease" My dad lightly gripped my hand before nodding assuringly at me; I was going to be alright.
Two years later.
We got a phone call from the hospital regarding my CT Scan, and so me and my dad rushed back to the doctors office for my results. I've been taking the medications as prescribed and so far, life still ran its normal course after hearing about my Cardiac Disease.
We seated ourselves back on the uncomfortable chairs and breathed in the scent of the hospital; I could never get use to that odor, not even after coming here every other month for check ups.
The doctor coughed as he stared at us with a guilty look. We didn't hear anything from him, just the clock ticking away and the air conditioner running.
Heaving a sigh, he started "I'm sorry"
My dad swallowed the lump in his throat before shaking his head "What do you mean 'your sorry'?" he weakly asked
"She's not responding to the drugs we're giving her. The right ventricle of her heart is still being replaced by scar tissues, and the medications aren't helping"
Truth and hope are like travelers in contrary directions. They meet but once in every man's life.
I was speechless, frozen in my seat. A tear fell down my eyes; I wasn't sad that I was dying, no, I felt my family's desperate hopes tumble down, their long nights of prayer completely made void before this obvious truth. I turned my eyes to my dad who was trembling in frustration and desperation
"You said that she'll be okay" he interjected
The doctor was now frantically trying to reason with him, explaining to my dad that sometimes complications happen.
It went on like this for half an hour, both parties never allowing to lose to the other, until he proposed for us to seek a specialist.
The doctor said that the woman specialized in intrinsic cardiomyopathies, and that it would be beneficial if we seek her expertise. The problem, this specialist wasn't in our home town. A big move for all of us, but my dad was desperate.
"Coleen, honey we're moving" my dad started as he explained the reason for this big decision. Coleen and him were facing each other, tears brimming in their eyes. They seated themselves on the kitchen table, as my sister began to speak; though I couldn't hear anything she said, my mind was somewhere else.
I watched as my family's heart break because of me. Decision, the moment of saying yes, is prompted by something deeper; recognition
I couldn't handle it so I slipped out of the house and headed to the only thing I found comfort in;
the shore.
[end flashback]
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Soundtrack: Broken – Lifehouse [Play for a better reading experience]
RJ followed her, eyebrows furrowed as he desperately tried to rummage his thoughts together.
RJ hurried faster to Maine as he grabbed her hand, staring at her with pleading eyes.
"I-I'm sorry, but I really don't know what I did wrong.... May mali ba akong nasabi?" RJ asked, almost at the brink of tears.
Maine shook her head grimly as she desperately wiped a tear away from her cheeks; though another one soon followed after "No, no... I-I just.... I don't think this can work out. I'm... I'm so sorry, I-I can't do this"
she slowly muttered.
RJ could feel his desperation and grief when saying those words. Clenching his jaw he frantically asked "What? Why?"
"I don't deserve you, maghanap ka nalang na mas okay sakin RJ" Maine replied with a determined cast.
"But I don't need anyone else, Ikaw ang kailangan ko" RJ defended before pulling her in for an embrace.
Maine quickly squirmed her way out, tears soaking her face "I'm selfish, I need to let you go" she ended before making her way to the vehicle.
Some think it's holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it's letting go.
RJ was following suit, heart worn and heavy. He begged to Maine to listen, pleaded for her to stay but she just shook her head and stated that she wanted to go home.
With a dejected spirit, RJ complied as they headed back; Maine staring at the side windows, wiping away the endless tears while RJ had his eyes locked on the road; thinking.
Maine didn't know it, but RJ knew the reason for her unexplained reaction; and he didn't care.
Love's lengthways splits the heart in two - the heart where you are, the heart where you want to be.
****************************
[flashback]
RJ twisted the knob of the door that had the silver engraving. He swallowed the lump in his throat as he filled his lungs in with air, preparing his self for what he would see.
It was an office room, stacks upon stacks of folders scattered across the top of the desk. Fortunately, no one was there as he took a step inside.
Even the smell of the room reminded of her, the various displays hung on the wall just screamed his Mother. For some reason though, he wasn't shocked that he found her here, of all places. He remained aloof about it.
Mindlessly, he began to go through the items inside the office. Curious, but with no sense of reason.
There were several bobble heads placed on the shelves. RJ scoffed upon seeing them 'She didn't change at all' he thought as he headed towards the office desk.
With an absent mind, he skimmed over the folders. RJ was about to leave, until his eyes stopped on a yellow folder underneath a pile of paper.
There written with black marker was a name; Nicomaine Dei Mendoza.
He told Jerald that he would visit Jake in the hospital, but that was a lie. RJ went there for one thing, and one thing alone; his Mother's connection with Maine.
"Dra. Faulkerson, someone would like to see you" the secretary voiced as RJ stepped inside the office of his Mother. He swore he'd never want to see her face again, but this serious situation called for it.
"Who is it?" She replied without looking up as she was too entranced in the papers before her. Pulling up the frames of her glasses, she waited for an answer.
"RJ" the boy simply stated
In a flash, she looked up to the boy who was now standing alone in front of her.
It was silent for a minute, no one daring to break eye contact. Finally, she stood up from her chair and showed him to an empty seat.
"W-what brings you here?" She asked with a confused expression "A-are you good? I-Is everything alright? H-how did you find me?"
RJ rolled his eyes, he knew that they would both be awkward with each other; the woman was heartless and incapable of any human socialization. "I'm not here to re-connect with my ex-mother" he cried in an irritated tone "It's clearly professional, I just want to ask you one question"
His Mom nodded as she made his way back to her seat. Propping her hands on top of the desk, she leaned in and displayed a serious look; the look she always came to know.
"Alright, what would that be?"
"Nicomaine Dei Mendoza? I hear she's one of your patients" he voiced trying hard to sound nonchalant about it, though his heart felt like it was flipping itself over and was now flailing mindlessly against his chest.
"I'm sorry, patient information is confidential. I-"
"Mom, please.... I need to know. I don't ask you for a lot of things, and ever since you left me and dad alone you haven't given me anything at all...Now I'm asking, no I'm begging for you to at least do this one thing for me, just this one.... please?"
RJ watched as his Mother sighed, thinking it over before gently nodding "A-alright"
She rotated her chair and grabbed the folder inside her desk. He set it on the table in front of her and skimmed it over "Let me see.... oh yes, she's been seeing my help for three years now"
"What's wrong with her?" He blurted with impatience.
"She has a cardiac disease, AVRD to be precise"
"What's that?"
"It's an electrical disturbance of the heart. The heart muscle is replaced by fibrous scar tissue".
"Is she going to be alright? What will happen to her?" Mrs. Faulkerson looked at him with a confused expression before shifting her gaze back to the papers in the folder "She stopped responding to treatment, all I can do now is to slow down the conversion process".
"Slow down?!? The hell do you mean?!? So you can't fully cure it?!? What happens then when it gets to the final stages?" RJ spat, clenching his fists as he eyed his mom with a fierce look.
"Then I plan to do a heart transplant" She voiced casually and professionally. RJ is in the brink of tears "S-so, she's in the waiting list for it?"
Mrs. Faulkerson shook her head "No, we can't put her on the list yet as her heart is too healthy to be qualified for a transplant. But once the disease gets to its final stages, we'll be able to put her on the list".
"Then she's just a sitting duck?!? You're just going to wait until she has HEART FAILURE and THEN do something about it?" He screamed as he stood up from his chair, palms hitting the desk in anger and disbelief.
His Mother shook her head feverishly "I-I can't do anything about it, this is the only way" she paused for a moment, a questioning look on her features "RJ, why are you asking about her? Do you know her?"
RJ didn't answer her question as he bolted out of the office, in frustration and grief.
[end flashback]
Why is the measure of love, always loss?