I sit alone, on my bed. Realizing how much my life has taken a turn in the last school year. I passed with mostly A's but some B's. Better than I ever did homeschooled. Tomorrow was the last day of school and I was excited. I planed on spending most of my summer with Zach. Also Kacy was coming over and staying for about a week and I was happy I could see her again. I couldn't wait to tell her how Zach and I are official. I really do like him though and I've never had a boyfriend either, I mean, not just anybody learns a whole new language for a girl. I smile at the thought and I wait for the sun to go down. I wait until I can see the sky turning an orange, pink color and then I watch it sink below the horizon. Leaving me with the black, blank, sky. I sigh and flip over on my pillow and let sleep ingulf me.
•••
I watch myself in the mirror. I feel fat, what if Zach doesn't think I'm pretty enough? I started a diet, only eating meats under certain circumstances and eating low calorie foods. I know he wanted my to get better but was I too fat now? I walk over to the scale and the numbers click into place. I was 5'2 and the scale landed on 79. I tightened my fists in frustration. I had gained almost 30 pounds since I left the hospital. He didn't want me skinny. He didn't want me skinny. I recited that in my head as I stepped off the scale. I went back to the mirror and examined my figure. You could just make out my ribs but not clear enough. It only makes me upset. I stare at my bloated belly. I run my hand from my ribs and down over my stomach. It doesn't curve in, only stays straight and I hate that. I decided I won't bring back my anorexia, just eat a little less. I dress myself in a dark purple quarter sleeve which is kind of tight, I dislike how you could see my shape, so I cover it with a black sweatshirt. I pull on light gray leggings and jog to school. I was going to exercise and maybe loose weight that way along with my diet. I arrive at school not even out of breath, it wasn't far enough.
I quickly gathered a book from my locker and my drawing pad and raced toward English. Almost everyone was already seated so when I hurriedly opened the door, everyone turned to stare at me. I shuffle to the corner of the room where I take my place across from Zach. He smiles genuinely at him but I only return a half hearted smile. I looked away, afraid he might notice the weight it seemed I have gained. I watch as the teacher tells us we can write anything. From a poem to a free write. I decided to just write freely.
I start to write my thoughts.
The world is a dark place
That's why we decide to hide and cave in on ourselves
That's when we decide the world is better without us
It all came out. It was my old feelings but now I didn't feel the same. It just seems different now. And I don't know why I feel so different. But you do. Oh shut up you dumb conscience. I rolled my eyes and stuffed my paper into a slot in my notebook. I ripped out another piece of paper and continued.
They hurt you because they hurt
They call you names and say,
Your fat
Your ugly
Nobody loves you
And after they say it over and over
You believe them
I watch my paper like its gonna move if I keep watching it long enough. Soon I just push it into my notebook with the other one.
Quicker than I would think, a hand flashes into my notebook and pulls out the sheets. A weird sound escapes my mouth but I wish I could hear how dumb I sounded. I looked up and glared at a satisfied Zach. He was reading my words with a blank face.
After struggling to get them back I finally gave up and he read both of mine. I bit my lip and watched. He looked up after finishing reading them both.
Do you really think this! He signs as soon as he lay the papers down.
Well, not really. I sign, debating on whether that was the right choice of words. But obviously not.
Not really? His eyes widen in surprise.
It's how life works. I sign hesitantly.
It doesn't have to work like that. He signs.
But it does. Think about it.
He pauses and signs. Does this apply to you?
Not anymore. I sign confidently.
Are you sure? I don't want you going through any of that again. He signs. I stay silent and he only looks at me with worry gleaming in his eyes. Just because Paris has stopped most of her terrorizing I still sometimes get points and whispers and it hurts. But my worst and forever enemy is my mirror.
I'm sorry. I sign.
No, I'm sorry. Zach signs and I see mixed emotions in his gaze. I lowered my head because I didn't want him to see the surprise flat win my eyes.
•••
Lunchtime
I sat in the same seat all year long. Lunchtime was kind of dreaded during my "anorexic" phase. Now I didn't want to go either. I tell myself I'm not being anorexic, only trying to loose a bit of weight. I went through the line and by the end I only had a sloppy joe and some of the school "salad" I thought it was just leaves though. I sat down and Zach joined me. He had been sitting with me almost all the time since winter break too. He rolled my eyes at the choice of food but he has learned early on that it wasn't worth it anymore. He had almost everything, a sandwich, cookie, salad, and fries. The lunch room started to heat up and by the end I was taking off my sweatshirt. I took a few bites out of my sandwich and felt Zach grip my arm.
How much have you been eating recently. He asks me.
Enough. I sign. Why would you care.
Because your thin as bone! He signs. Really? The mirror doesn't say so. And I just repeated my thoughts.
The mirror didn't say so. He stared at me blankly and I think maybe I said the wrong thing. He grabbed my arm and pulled me out of my seat and out the door of the school.