Updated because it's the 4th of July, so happy 4th of July to my American readers🇺🇸🎉
ALSO LONG ASS A/N TO READ IF YOU'RE INTERESTED 😛
I would really suggest you listen to this song (if you haven't heard it ) before or maybe after the chapter because the lyrics link in with what happens halfway through the chapter, like literally :)
Song: Jet Pack Blues by Fall Out Boy
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H A R R Y 🔫
A month later
Depression. It was a strange feeling. It was always over me, casting its shadow on my life, holding me back from moving on. It followed me like a black shadow, haunting me, feeding on me like a decomposer. With Scarlett's death, I was standing on the brink of something I couldn't describe. Almost as if I was on the edge of a cliff, and the bottom was the devilish pits of darkness beyond measure. But the weight of it all was pressing down on my shoulders, the pain, the guilt, and the sadness. It practically shoved me off the cliff, into the darkness down there where hands grab and pull me deeper and deeper into the abyss.
I was ripped away from my dark thoughts when my eyes detected two black sleek cars pull up at the entrance of the cemetery. It was Scarlett's funeral day. But here I was, standing at the top of a grassy hill under a shady tree, watching a group of people all dressed in black make their way to the part of cemetery belonging to The Organization.
I didn't want to be there for the funeral at all. Mainly because I couldn't bring myself to actually attend it, something inside of me was strongly against it so I didn't go. Also, Spencer was there, and him and I weren't exactly seeing eye to eye lately. He hated my guts.
The Organization was mourning for Scarlett, which was somewhat of a surprise. The only other person we ever mourned for was Russell, as he was truly loved by everybody and the star of The Organization. But Scarlett? She may have not been the most successful assassin, but she was the most good-hearted one.
People admired that for some reason. They admired that she barely ever succumbed to killing, and always tried to risk her life for others. Although, there were some people indeed who disliked her and thought that she was weak for not doing the one thing assassins actually do, which is killing people, they envied her for being brave. They also admired her for the fact that she survived that fall during her first mission, called her a 'Phoenix' for 'rising out of the ashes', stronger than before.
A couple of days ago Ford sent a few people back to Norway to retrieve Scarlett's body. I wasn't allowed to go, for obvious reasons. So I waited, impatiently, thinking that I would have some sort of relief if her body was actually there and that she would be able to receive a proper funeral. But unfortunately, the people came back empty-handed. They said that Ford's ally gave them all the help they needed to retrieve the body. But they had searched the whole river around the cliff and found nothing.
I found that extremely suspicious and spent weeks pestering Vlad to do something about it. I made them go back again and search the entire river again, and told them to check every shore just incase her body was washed up. At the end, Vlad forced me to give up. Who would want Scarlett's dead body? He questioned, and I simply shook my head.
I gave up at that point, because even though we checked everywhere, literally everywhere, she just wasn't there. It's not like she's alive or something, that fall would've definitely killed her said Ford, while Damien had to hold me back from lurching at him.
But now, we simply set up a gravestone in honor of Scarlett's death, next to her fathers. It was the least we could do. We also upgraded the archery station in her honor, and amended a few other things that she would've wanted to be done.
I momentarily shook myself from my ongoing thoughts, just to slip my hand into my pocket and pull out a small packet of cigarettes. I lit one swiftly and brought the tip to my lips. I inhaled slowly, my system welcoming the smoke like an old friend. I had never smoked before, but I started to recently since it relaxed me and helped me forget temporarily about the emotional pain I was in.
But I was always reminded of her one way or the other. There were always small things around me, or things that people said, which would always link to Scarlett somehow. Things like that made it impossible for me to move on. It's been a month and there had still been instances where I'd cry for hours in the shower until my throat was raw and my eyes had run out of tears, or where I'd end up sleeping over at Jade's just because I can't bear to sleep alone in an empty bed without Scarlett. It had just been utterly horrible.
Taking small, slow draws of the cigarette, I stared into the distance, my pale jade eyes squinting at the group of people near two specific gravestones. I could vaguely make out Jade's figure, along with Louis and Dexter, and Spencer. The whole of Valkyrie was there for sure, as well as Ford and Zia. They always attended important funerals anyhow.
Dragging my eyes away from the scene, I left my cigarette dangling at my lips, running a hand through my overgrown unruly locks as I dug the other one into my pocket. Out I pulled a small piece of paper that was all scrunched up and crinkled. My eulogy. I was meant to read it out at the funeral, but since I decided I wasn't going last minute, I never got to read it. I looked up again; wondering how long was the funeral going to last for before my breath hitched in my throat.
Someone from the group was staring at me in the distance. Spencer. Even from far away, I could feel his icy cold gaze burn into me. He absolutely resented me. I was half paranoid that he was going to murder me in my sleep. But part of me knew Scarlett would smack my head and tell me that he would never do such a thing no matter how much he resented me. The only reason I believed that part of me was the fact that Scarlett herself would resent Spencer if he ever did murder me.
Spencer soon turned away when someone spoke to him, noticing that he was staring at someone. As soon as that person looked up, trying to distinguish what he was staring at, I moved behind the shady tree swiftly. I sat down on the grass, pulling my eulogy out of my pocket. As I held it out to myself so I could read it better, my arm moved upwards and my tattooed wrist was exposed.
My tiny new tattoo on the corner of my wrist caught my eye. I set the eulogy down on my lap and pulling my sleeve lower to look at it. It was a tiny 'S' in cursive writing, in her writing to be specific. I had to rummage through my house to find something she'd written on with an 'S' so I could take it to the tattoo parlor and ask them to replicate that S onto my wrist.
My mind played the memory of when I briefly told her I was going to get a tattoo.
"I do want to get a tattoo, something to remind me of you," I told her honestly, watching her gorgeous brown eyes light up with curiosity.
"Really? What're you gonna get?" She asked me with interest, her eyes glancing down at my completely tattooed arms. Probably wondering where on earth I'd be able to get a new tattoo.
"You'll see soon enough," I whispered into her ear, placing a kiss right under her ear lobe before pulling back with a slight smile.
A sorrowful sigh tumbled from my lips at the sight of the tattoo, and the memory I had just replayed in my head. It seemed like this was what I did on a daily basis, stumble upon something that reminds me of Scarlett, and then play a memory in my head that relates to Scarlett and the thing. It was painful and just vicious. There was no way of avoiding it. It wasn't like I wanted to forget Scarlett and our memories together, of course not, I just wish I wasn't so painfully reminded her and those memories every single second of the day.
After a few minutes, I stood up from my seated position, dusting any dirt off my clothes. I picked up the bouquet of white tulips that I had laid down near the tree earlier when I first got here. They were her favorite flowers. I then made my way down the hill and towards her grave.
This was the first time I was seeing the grave. The others had left now, and the cemetery was completely empty. The sun was hidden behind a bunch of clouds, which were once wispy and white but were now getting darker and more dense. The air was humid and smelt of storms. I supposed I should have been leaving soon but I couldn't budge. I just kept staring at the gravestone.
It was made of marble and was as white as crystalline snow. I dropped to my knees before it, swallowing thickly as I tried to keep my emotions intact before setting down the bouquet of white tulips in the middle of the other flowers. I thought that just by being here, I could feel her presence or something, but I felt nothing. Perhaps it was because her body wasn't actually buried here, or perhaps it was something else that was bothering me. Either way, I wasn't at peace here. I reached out, my ring-clad fingers touching the smooth cool marble before running over the black engraved lettering, tracing the S of her name.
"I'm sorry Scarlett," I whispered nevertheless, before digging my hand into my pocket for about the hundredth time. Out I pulled my eulogy and her promise ring.
My breath hitched in my throat at the sight of the ring. Lately I had been carrying it around, not entirely sure what to do with it. It felt odd to just have it stuffed into a box with all of her other personal items. So when Jade suggested I pack up her things, and keep them away so it would help me move on, I kept her ring.
I wanted to leave it here, near her gravestone. Nobody would come to take it. Anyone who isn't a member of The Organization was forbidden to enter this section of the cemetery. Plus, I don't think anyone would actually notice the ring hidden beneath the flowers near her gravestone.
"I wanted to read this out to you," I spoke out shakily, before scoffing at myself. This didn't feel right. I thought it would feel right if I read out her eulogy alone, near her grave. But her body wasn't here; so neither was her presence.
I folded up the eulogy and stuffed it into the thick ribbon that held the tulips together, along with her promise ring. I had already made a plan to visit this grave as often as I could, so I can I bring fresh flowers every time the other ones would die and decay away. Whenever I'd replace the flowers, I would move the ring and eulogy as well.
Stuffing my hands into my pockets, I glanced at the tombstone once before turning around. But then I stopped, and let out a heavy sigh, turning back again to face the tombstone.
Scarlett's tombstone was situated right next to her father's, Russell. Now, his body was definitely buried here, and I could literally feel his presence as well. It was strange, and slightly intimidating. I gulped, feeling utter guilt just by staring down at his gravestone. He would have been so angry and disappointed with me. I wouldn't blame him; I am too.
"I'm sorry Russell," I uttered lowly, feeling my eyes getting slightly watery. "I'm sorry I fucked up. I know I always fucked a lot of things up, but with Scarlett, I really tried my best," I sniffled, getting choked up on all the emotions I was feeling right now. "She was my world and I fucked everything up, and I'm so fucking sorry," I cried, finally allowing the tears roll down my cheeks.
Right after my sorrowful speech, a single raindrop fell onto my face. After that, millions more followed. It was soon pouring. I began to retreat, not bothering to cover myself with anything as I ran down the steps of the cemetery and quickly got onto my bike. It probably wasn't wise to ride my motorcycle in this heavy downpour, but I didn't really have a choice. I just wanted to go home.
The rain bore down mercilessly upon the worn out roads as I rode out in the darkness, the headlights of my motorcycle flashing brightly through the sheets of water. The hiss of the tires of my bike was lost under the noisy plummeting rain. I was still sobbing pathetically while driving, my mind and emotions all over the place as I drove over the speed limit.
Within a split second, a feminine figure in a long black coat appeared in the middle of the road I was driving on. Instantaneously, I panicked and swerved the bike. The side of the bike hit the floor as it skidded across the road, all while I was thrown off it. My face collided heavily with the rough ground, the rest of my body following, causing me to roll over a couple of times before I came to a stop.
"Fuck!" I yelled out loud in pain, groaning as the continuous rain hit my face like annoying little pellets.
I wish I was unconscious right now, rather than awake because when I was awake I could taste the disgusting coppery blood pooling my mouth. My head was pounding heavily and the rain seriously wasn't helping. I laid there for a few minutes, before I started testing my limbs, trying to see if I had broken anything. Luckily, I didn't, so I moved onto sit up.
My eyes scanned the length of the road to see if that figure was still around. But it wasn't. Was I just imagining it then? I couldn't care less; I just wanted to get home at this rate. I pushed myself off the ground, and limped over to my bike due to the throbbing I was feeling from landing so awkwardly. Gritting my teeth, I lifted my bike and set it upright, before climbing back onto it and testing it. When the engine roared into life, I sped off, this time going much slower.
~-~
"I was worried about you!" Jade scolded me, gazing at me furiously with a cross expressions as Sullivan cleaned up the blood that was leaking from a fairly sized cut on my forehead.
"So?" I shrugged carelessly, wishing Sullivan would hurry up so I wouldn't have to hear Jade rant at me for any longer.
"So?" she repeated furiously. "You could've been seriously injured! Alone! In the fucking storm!" she exclaimed.
"Well I'm fucking fine alright, so would you just shut the fuck up and leave me alone already?" I snapped angrily, narrowing my pale eyes at her.
"I'm just looking out for you Harry," she huffed, clearly offended by the way I snapped at her. I seriously couldn't give a shit.
I rolled my eyes at her words, sighing with relief when Sullivan finally let me go. I started to make my way out of the hospital wing as quickly as possible to get away from Jade. She had been on my back lately, worried. She's always worried about me. I swear to god she was literally my mother. Checking up on me every now and then, making sure I wasn't depressed and shit. It was fucking annoying.
"Look," I spun around, giving her a stern look. "I don't need you to look out for me. I don't want you to look out for me okay? I just want to be fucking alone, is that too much to ask?" I arched a brow at her, causing her to sigh harshly. She shrugged lightly, realizing I had had enough of her mothering.
"Whatever you say Harry. I'm just doing what Scarlett would have wanted me to do," I froze when Jade mentioned her name, my body going cold.
"Don't you fucking talk about what she would've wanted. You know nothing," I snarled coldly, watching her eyes grow wide before she narrowed them at me.
"I know she would've hated what you've become now that she's gone," Jade spat before turning around and marching away. "Don't you fucking crawl back to me when you start crying because you miss her too much!"
I scoffed, swearing under my breath, ignoring her words. I slowly headed back to my apartment, glaring at whomever glanced at me pitifully. Soon I entered my cold empty apartment, locking the door behind me before turning some of the lights on. The apartment itself lacked life now that she was gone. It was the same as before she was here, cold and empty.
I trudged back to my room, taking a short steaming shower before crawling under the covers of my bed. A heavy sigh left my lips as I stared at the empty space beside me that her body would normally occupy. My eyes fluttered close on its own accord, as if they knew if I kept staring at the empty space anymore I'd fall into the pit of depression and sorrow again. I soon fell into a deep slumber, only to be woken up later by a strange dream.
*Dream
Rain. It was falling in chaotic drops, beating the broken paintwork of the cars and bouncing from every hard surface. The sound came from every direction except down, drowning out every other noise. It was night, the rain sharp as it attempted to pierce the blackness of the hour.
I was completely clueless as to wear I was standing. I took a look around, noticing the familiar setting. I was standing on the porch of a villa, a slightly familiar villa. My gaze travelled towards the street, my head tilting as I tried to understand my surroundings, and then it dawned upon me. This was Scarlett's house. I looked down at the steps of the house, remembering the first time I saw Scarlett walk up them before I held a gun to her forehead.
My thoughts were soon interrupted when my eyes detected a lonely figure dancing in the rain on the street. The blood in my veins froze when I heard the person's laughter ringing out in the rain. It sounded so much like Scarlett, I was almost terrified it was. I moved swiftly, descending down the stairs and into the rain to get a better look at the person. I was on the pavement now, eyes squinting at this person wearing a long black coat, prancing around in the rain. It was a woman, I could tell by her figure. But was it her?
"Hey!" I yelled hesitantly, trying to get her attention since I was curious. She turned, and my heart stopped.
It was Scarlett. She was absolutely drenched, but she still managed to look like the most beautiful girl in the entire world. She smiled, her umber eyes lighting up at the sight of me as she turned around now. Her arms were wrapped around herself, pulling the ends of her long black coat around her body tight.
"Harry," she spoke out loud. Her calling my name out had me speechless. This all felt surreal yet so real.
"Scarlett," I managed to respond, stepping out onto the street now. I was only a few feet away from her, yet something was holding me back from running towards her.
"Baby, come home," she said, before holding her hand out. Behind her, some sort of vehicle was approaching, the headlights shining brightly making it seem like she had a beaming aura of light behind her.
"What," I stuttered in confusion, before shaking my head wondering what the fuck was happening. I took a step forwards but was immediately pulled back by an invisible force.
A frown etched upon my face as I tried to move the rest of my limbs, but I couldn't, I was frozen in place. I called out to her, but she just stood there with a sad smile on her face, her soft eyes gazing into mine as she repeated the phrase over and over again.
"Baby, come home."
The light was approaching quicker now, more and more radiant as it neared. Almost blinding. I yelled out to Scarlett for help, but she simply stood there holding her hand out for me to grab, her eyes glossy with tears.
A loud honk rang loudly in the air, combined with the roaring of the rain. It was a huge truck hurtling towards us, behind Scarlett. Before I know it, it all ended in a flash. The bright light. The honking truck. The loud roar of the rain. Scarlett repeating those three words over and over again.
Baby, come home.
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Long chapter dayum. Whatcha think? If you're interested in finding out MOREE about the how the song is linked to this chapter (especially the dream) KEEP READING 👇🏽
Anyways, idk if y'all remember but for one of the chapters in K&R, Harry was leaving for a mission and Scar was all worried so she was like baby come home. That's why during that chapter I was like guys these words are in italics and they're important!!
The song Jet Pack Blues inspired me to write this scene with him having this dream of Scarlett while she's dead and he's mourning. The song is somewhat about a dead lover as well. Here's some of the lyrics that correspond with the dream.
Sorry for the long a/n and the chapter was quite long too lol. If you're confused about this whole thing that I just explained, just check out chapter 57 of K&R, maybe listen to the song and read the lyrics and then read this chapter again 🙃
Love you all to bits, sorry about the long EVERYTHING I'm a boring lil shit 💖
Until we meet again...