Kat
February 14, 2005
*
Same day
*
He's so close...
But so far away.
Our bodies are not quite touching, but I can feel the heat radiating off of him. If I just pushed myself forward half an inch, our bodies would meld together, like I remember all too well.
But I can't do that. That would ruin everything. He doesn't want a relationship.
This is supposed to be fake, but the way he makes me feel is anything but.
Just having him this close, feeling his breath on my face, is causing my brain to short circuit.
I don't know how to feel or how to act around him. I'm antsy and I really need to get out of here to clear the fog he causes in my brain, but I need to clarify a few things before I do.
"Okay, so we are doing this? For real? Well, for fake, I mean... well, you know what I mean. But we are actually doing this for real, for fake?" Oh god, I'm rambling. I can't stop myself.
How did this happen? Oh right, it was my brilliant idea. Two birds, one stone. Yeah, just brilliant.
More like two bullets, one foot... because I totally just shot myself in the foot, both of them actually.
Great, and now I'm mixing metaphors. Could I be any more lame? Just stop thinking for once in your life.
Yes, thinking. Thinking is what got you into this stupid mess in the first place.
One minute I was thinking that I just need a way to show everyone that I'm fine and the next, I'm asking Ben out. Just pretend, of course.
Yeah... keep telling yourself that.
I am so screwed.
When I return to reality, Ben is laughing. At me?
"Are you done?" He continues to softly chuckle.
"Done with what?" I wasn't doing anything, was I?
"Over thinking." What the?
"I wasn't-" He cuts me off before I can finish the lie.
"Oh please, I can literally hear the wheels spinning. Don't even try to lie to me." He smirks.
I huff, crossing my arms. Real mature, I know.
"Fine. I'm done. Happy?" Yep, that was way more mature. Good job, Katarina, you are officially a petulant child.
"Very. Are you?" He pulls my hand up to his mouth again, placing a gentle kiss on it before entwining our fingers and laying them between us.
"Uh... yes? I guess." I'm not sure how to respond. I'm glad everyone will back off and leave me alone, does that count?
"You guess? We are throwing this rock for you. Shouldn't you be happy?" Just by his words, I would think he was annoyed, fortunately I can hear the amusement in his voice.
"I will be, once everyone believes it." I am more honest than I meant to be.
"You don't think they will?" He sounds slightly worried.
"I highly doubt it. We will need to get our story straight and probably-" He cuts me off before I can finish our To Do list.
"Wait. Why wouldn't they believe it?" He sounds curious and slightly annoyed, maybe. It's hard to tell. I would give anything to be able to see his face in this moment. I really hope he's not irritated, because I'm pretty sure my explanation won't help.
"Well, for one... You don't date. So why would you date me? And two, they know we aren't very fond of each other. And let's see... three, we've barely looked at each other in the past month, so why would we suddenly start dating?" I cringe as I finish my rant. Thank goodness he can't see my face in the dark.
"Okay..." He starts out, hesitantly. "Let's see. One was about me not dating, well that's easy, obviously I made an exception for you."
"Yeah, but why. We need to get our story straight." I want to be flattered, but I remind myself this isn't real.
Ben doesn't really date.
I'm not really an exception.
Ben would never really date me.
"Seriously? Why wouldn't I date you? I would be a complete fool not to. You're perfect." He says it so nonchalantly, I almost believe it. Almost.
I scoff. Yeah right.
"You don't believe me?" He sounds offended, but I can't believe him. He's way too attractive to want me.
"No, why would I? I am-" He cuts me off before I can insult myself.
"Well, for one... you are fucking gorgeous. For two, you are adorably funny. And for three, I can't think of anyone I would rather spend time with." He lightly strokes my cheek with his free hand. I close my eyes, enjoying the contact, as his words sink in and wrap around my heart.
Remember, this is fake. Crap.
"Now, what was two again? Oh right, we don't like each other or something like that? I'm not sure what you mean by that. I happen to like you quite a lot." My heart feels like it might beat out of my chest, if only the words were true.
"Yeah, right." I know better.
"Believe what you want, but I assure you, it is very true. Now, why don't you like me?" He stops stroking my cheek, but continues to hold my hand.
"Well, let's see... You insulted me with a cliched half-hearted blow-off and then completely ignored me for an entire month, while parading around with a literal bimbo parade. Yeah, that might have something to do with it." I feel the anger bubbling up, but I try to push it down. Completely losing it on him would not help.
"I'm... Kat. Fuck. I am so sorry. I know nothing I say can make it right, but please believe me when I say I never meant to hurt you." I want to believe him, I really do, but I just can't. I need to get out of here. Now.
"Okay, whatever." I try to pull my hand from his grasp, but he holds right. "Listen, I should really get going, anyway. Vanessa is probably looking for me." I doubt she's actually thinking about me at all, if she's even conscious at this point.
"Don't leave, Kat. If this is ever gonna work, you have to stop running away from me. Besides we still have more to discuss." He's right, I know he's right, but I can't stay this close to him.
"I really need to go." I try to sound convincing. I really do, don't I?
"No, you don't." Guess I wasn't convincing enough.
"Fine, keep talking then." I give in, despite my better judgement. What can I say? I am an idiot.
Especially when it comes to this beautiful, stupid boy in front of me. With his curly hair and dimples, how can I resist?
"Okay, two is easy, too. Obviously, you just finally gave into my charms. After I groveled, of course. And you can't forget the huge romantic gesture." Right, like that would ever happen.
"Oh yeah, and what's that, Little Birdie?" I have to call him on his crap. Everyone knows Ben isn't the romance type. Nobody is going to believe any of this.
"Oh, you just leave that to me, Sweetheart." He really put a lot of effort into that one, didn't he? I roll my eyes, even though he can't see me.
"I am not your Sweetheart." I pack as much disdain into the nickname as possible.
"Oh, yes you are. You are all mine, remember?" My breath hitches. Something about that feels so very right. I belong to him.
He chuckles. "You are going to have to get better at this whole faking it thing."
My heart drops. Right. Faking it. Almost forgot.
"Okay, well you need a better pet name because that one sucks." I have always hated cheesy pet names.
"Hmm... Babe?" He again sounds amused, he must love making fun of me. He knows of this weren't fake, he wouldn't call me anything. He wouldn't even look at me, let alone talk to me.
"Ick. No." I'm afraid to say it out loud, but I don't want to just be another girl. Even if it isn't real.
Because it totally isn't real.
"Okay. No Babe, no Sweetheart... How about Gorgeous? Sexy?"
I groan. "Nothing typical. Let's make it simple, nothing you've ever called another girl."
"Well, I can't think of anything else right now. So, let me think." He sounds serious, but I doubt he will be able to come up with something new. I bet he's used them all. Probably just this week.
Gross.
"Oh, I thought of it!" He seems proud of himself. "I'll just call you Beautiful."
I sigh, trying to ignore the pitter patter of my heart. "I said something you've never called another woman."
"I've never called another girl that. Just you." Well, there's no ignoring the somersaults my stomach is doing or the warmth in my chest.
Pitter patter.
Pitter patter.
"Oh." I can't quite comprehend what that means.
"What? Let me guess, you don't believe me again?" I can hear the drowsiness seeping into his voice, overtaking the irritation.
Pitter patter.
Pitter patter.
"I just think it's a little hard to believe. But I really think I should go now, we both need to sleep." I start to get up, but he's still holding my hand. It felt so natural, I completely forgot.
"No, don't leave." Be still my heart.
Pitter patter.
Pitter patter.
Oh, how I want to stay, but I can't.
Pitter patter.
Pitter patter.
Can I?