Chapter 20
Date: April 21st
Location: Guardian Base
Time: 6:25 A.M.
The ceiling seemed entirely boring and captivating at the same time. I let my eyes wander, getting slightly singed by the artificial lights before tracing back over the various holes in the wall. They were small and miniscule individually, but together they were easy to notice, easy to spot.
How did they get there? I wondered. This base wasn't that old and it appeared as if someone had purposefully done that. Why would someone want to break the ceiling, why would someone want to chip it, mar it, and make it something else?
"Ms. Carter," I tilted my head over to see Dr. Hays staring curiously at me.
I couldn't blame the woman, I had come in for another appointment and exhaustion led me to lay down on the couch. For the past 10 or so minutes, and who knows it could have been longer, I had been staring at her wall not saying a word. Usually when someone comes to get help they at least need to discuss what was going on rather than wondering about the small little pinpricks in the ceiling. But the truth was I didn't know if I wanted help, I just wanted to be better without the whole talking bit. Not possible, I know, but it was a nice thought.
"How do you get nightmares to stop?" I simply questioned and looked back up at the ceiling.
"It could depend on the nightmare," She responded. "What kind of nightmares are you having?"
From my peripheral vision I saw her pen poised over her notebook. Research told me that therapists no longer used the pen and paper unless that patient jumped from subject to subject or if they had a multitude of problems they wished to discuss. The notebooks helped them accurately document what they have already discussed and what still needed to be dealt with. I often imagined by the time I got better, if I got better, Dr. Hays would have a library filled with notebooks on me.
"They vary," Not helpful and Dr. Hays knew that.
"What do you dream of now?"
Well again, the answer could vary. I had been taking medication to knock me out so I could just sleep, but it didn't work all the time. Somedays I would wake up more tired than the previous night with a clenched heart and a raw throat.
"I dream of blood," A simple answer, but at least it was more revealing.
"Is it yours?"
"No." The beige ceiling began to blur and the little pinpricks almost vanished with the liquid filling my eyes. I blinked them back and felt them burn in my head and a hand wrap around my throat. After a few calming breaths I felt a bit more steady, but was fearful for the next question she would inevitably ask.
"Whose is it?"
"Terri's."
Again, sometimes there was variation, sometimes it was Sam's, sometimes it was my mothers, sometimes it was Matt's. Something that I came to realize after a moment of deliberation, is that it was never Valentin's. Was it because I thought he was too strong, too capable to end up dead, or because he was the one causing the bloodshed?
The more I came to therapy, the more my wariness of Valentin grew and I resented it. He had protected, he had saved me, he had loved me when I thought my family couldn't care less about me. He was there for me and now I was pushing him away. Although, that could be subjective considering these past couple weeks. Whenever I saw him he looked at me with wounded eyes but he never approached me. He began to glare at anyone, even our friends as if they were now convincing me he was evil. I knew he had a dark side, everyone did, but that didn't mean it couldn't be accepted.
"What are you dreams about with Terri?" Dr. Hays continued.
"There's usually not much," I answered. "I just always come running back to the house, and I hear crying. And then I see him," I trailed off.
Tears began to force their way to the top again and again I shoved them back while Dr. Hays waited patiently. I sat up and felt my head swirl a little bit before it steadied.
"He's dead," I continue. "Someone covered in that much blood, there's no way they couldn't be. And then he just opens his eyes and stares at me. Sometimes he talks, sometimes he doesn't. But I know he blames me for what I did."
I know I blamed myself.
"And what did you do?" I looked up to give the doctor a condescending look but she didn't seem to be offended.
"I brought him into this world I-,"
"Why do you think that?" Dr. Hays interrupted.
"Because I told him about me, I told him about Lockstar, if I didn't then," I trailed off again and buried my head in my hands. "He still would be alive."
"Do you know what a human's greatest weakness is?" The doctor had put down her notebook as my head rose to meet her gaze. "Some say its greed, other say its pride, the seven deadly sins were often the greatest enemy we had. But most criminals know, most people without much regard for human life know it's not any of that. Rather, they believe a person's greatest weakness is compassion."
"Compassion?" It seemed plausible enough, but I still would bet greed over compassion any day.
"Why do you think heroes wear masks?" Dr. Hays ignored me. "Why do you think when we hide, we hide with those we care about? It's because we know that while money may not tempt us, when someone is holding a gun to the head a someone you love, that is a far better motivator."
"I'm not understanding."
"It means Lockstar knew this long before you ever arrived. They would find people that their 'listees' cared about. They would use them as leverage." Dr. Hays picked her notebook back up. "Whether you believe it or not, Terri would have been thrown into this life, regardless of you telling him or not."
At that statement I let it process and swirl in my mind. It didn't help answer my question about the nightmares, but it did seem the good doctor was trying to alleviate some of my guilt like some many others have tried. Not saying a word I leaned back on the couch and stared up at the ceiling again.
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Location: Guardian Base
Time: 7:54 A.M.
"All I'm saying is that I think we should at least be rewarded or given some type of medal," My lungs burned slightly as I looked over at Matt and raised an eyebrow. "What? Do you think anyone else could have pulled this off?"
This being the alliance struck up between the Guardians and Caldwell himself. The contracts were signed three days ago and Will had sped back off to Canada to tell his boss the good news. While no one treated Caldwell's protégé harshly, I knew he was glad to get back to familiar territory.
While I was glad that we seemed to be moving in the right direction at least something didn't feel right. My gut felt like it was trying to tell me something but I wasn't sure what it was. It probably stemmed from the Reaper's silence. They seemed to have played a power move with releasing the photo of my return from the grave, but since then I hadn't heard anything from them, no one has. I knew my alarm code must have annoyed them, but to not hear anything? Frankly silence was more frightening than the loudest of noises.
"He's here again," Matt commented when we ended our last lap. I looked over to see him staring at Valentin, who again had been avoiding me for the past couple of weeks, not that I looked forward to spending much time with him. "Do you want to talk to him?"
I looked at him again and it seemed like an internal battle warred on in me. My trust for him seemed very shaky and the contradictory things people were telling me was making my head ache. I knew he wouldn't hurt me, but sometimes the looks he gave made me scared.
"Just don't wander away." I muttered while Matt began stretching as I walked over to see Valentin.
It seemed that whenever he was around, no one else was to be seen. It was like the other Guardians knew of his presence and backed off. Again Valentin wasn't gaining any friends and he wasn't being too gung-ho about still being here.
Upon closer inspection it appeared as if he had finally gotten some sleep and looked all around better.
"How are you?" I started simply.
"Run away with me." He answered back with a goofy grin and I was greatly confused. Run away?
"What?" Was the only word I managed to sputter out.
"Don't you see Aura?" He grabbed my arms lightly. "I was wondering why we couldn't communicate as well, or why you wouldn't talk with me about some things," His eyes seemed to drift at that. "It's because we're here in this toxic place, it's confusing you."
"V you're confusing me," I tried to back away but his grip tightened a little, not hard but enough to know that I should at least stay put.
"Aura everything was great in Brazil, we were great in Brazil," Again his smile resurfaced. "You said you wanted to go back, we could go back."
Again I wasn't understanding. There was just some part of my brain not processing all of this, not comprehending why in the world he wanted to leave. We needed to stay here, we needed to help.
"V we can't just leave," At this his smile dropped. "People need our help."
"No they just want to abuse us. Don't you understand Aura? They don't want our help, they want our bodies for the war."
"This isn't a war," I began to grow concerned and tried to move away but again was stopped.
"That's not what you said earlier," My words to L.J. came back to bite me in the butt. "Aura we don't need to help these people, we don't owe them anything."
I searched his eyes to see if he was joking, to see if this was some elaborate plan, but there was nothing. After not talking to me for days and then proposing this seemed ridiculous.
"I can't do that V," I said slowly and his face completely dropped. "My friends are here, my family is here."
"You mean the family who lead you to believe you were worthless, you mean the friends that brought you back from the dead so you could die for them again," His grip was getting tighter.
"V you're hurting me," It felt more like the blood pressure sleeves around your arm, but I figured if he heard that, that maybe he would stop.
He didn't.
"Is there a problem?" My heart decreased its gallop as Matt sauntered up and gave Valentin a look.
For a moment I was fearful that something would happen again, I was fearful that maybe he would hurt someone. And Valentin knew that and guilt swarmed his face as he let me go.
"No," He backed a couple feet away. "Meet me in the garage tonight,"
The rest of the sentence was left unsaid, I would meet him in the garage if I wanted to run away. Before I could think any more about it he turned on his heel and left as quickly as he appeared. I was left conflicted and Matt was left concerned.
"Are you alright?"
Well, that varies.
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Location: Aura's Office
Time: 11:13 P.M.
Pacing back and forth across my office was doing nothing but leaving an impression in my carpet. I had thought endlessly if I should go with Valentin back to Brazil. It was a romantic notion, to leave all of our problems back here and go back to the comfort of the house. We didn't have any problems there, we didn't have any doubts. Would it be so bad to leave?
Before the question even fully formed in my mind I knew that the answer was yes. I signed myself up to this life the moment I broke the law. I didn't get a happy ending, I didn't get to have a chance to be whisked away to Brazil and relive the happier times. It just wasn't in the cards for me and I doubted it ever would be. But still it didn't seem fair, I was young when I made that decision, that mistake, should it really be allowed to follow me around for the rest of my life?
That answer was apparently yes.
The computer began to ring before I could lament over my poor decisions anymore. Fixing my expression and attempting to look confident was something easier said or done. I answered the call and Caldwell, John, and Will's face appeared before me.
"Should I have brought anyone else?" I immediately asked, expecting this conversation to just between Caldwell and myself. Having John and Will there threw me off but I wouldn't let it distract me too much.
"Yourself is just enough," Caldwell answered.
I was tempted to sit down, but felt internally that that might be a sign of weakness. Even if Caldwell knew he was stronger than me and more powerful with his men, I wasn't going to make it completely obvious to him. After all I had some semblance of reputation to uphold.
"Have you heard anything from the Reapers?" I asked and at the look of their faces that answer was a no.
"We were hoping you had," Will responded. "It seems odd, their lack of movement."
"They're planning," Caldwell answered. "We should be very wary of this, we mustn't think that this is them just laying down."
My mind flitted back to Sebastian and his unclear look in his eyes. He wasn't right in the head and the fact that he referred to this as a game, made me uncomfortable. It wasn't the fact that he was psychotic that unnerved me, it was the fact that we had the same thought process during these times, to think of things as a game. For me I used it to help me think rationally, to remove emotion and not think about the people that get hurt. He thought it as a fun game to play with friends.
"I'm at a loss for what to do," The words weren't as hard to get out as I thought they were. Again I knew Caldwell was the bigger fish, and I knew not asking for help wasn't going to get us anywhere.
"We need to gather more intel on them, right?" John asked. "Valentin already knows a little bit about them, I'm sure he could easily find out more."
At that moment I felt a lump in my throat as his name was suggested. Valentin wasn't going to be much more help to us any longer.
"I'm guessing that's not an option," I heard Caldwell say and knew he must have seen something on my face.
"He's leaving within the hour," The words left calmly although I felt rattled.
"Leaving?" Will questioned. "Why the hell would he leave?"
"He doesn't feel like he owes this place anymore, he doesn't want to be here," I shrugged indifferently. "I can't force him to say."
But could I leave with him?
"Pity, he is an excellent fighter and asset," Caldwell commented. "But some people aren't meant for this life. It varies from person to person. You may not like the position you're in now Ms. Carter, but you can't tell me that you weren't born to be what you are now."
I wanted to argue against him, a little bit of teenage rebellion resurfacing against an elder but found myself silent. I tried picturing myself at a 9 to 5 job, I tried picturing myself going out for drinks with friends, I tried. But all I felt when I thought about that was boredom and guilt. In some strange way, I still felt like I could help people from the position I was in now, I couldn't do that sitting in a cubicle.
"It's a pity," The words came out a little shaky as I composed myself. "But there's nothing else we can do about it right now."
We had other assassins, we had other members to get intel, while Valentin would be a great help, there was nothing I could do or say that could make him stay, and that stung. I couldn't believe that after all this time, he was just going to get up and leave. It almost seemed like throwing in the towel and giving up and Valentin didn't seem to be that type of person. He was the type of person who analyzed and when one option wasn't working, he'd find another and pursue it with everything he had. He didn't just leave.
Or at least that's what I thought.
"Excellent point, but that leaves us with the question of what to do now," Caldwell leaned back in his chair from inside the scream. "I've been told you have an informant, someone who has been tracking down the Reapers."
I bit my tongue and felt like yelling at whoever let the information slip. Obviously it had to be during Will's stay here and while he may have been friendly towards us, he would always be unquestionably loyal towards Caldwell. The fact that no one seemed angry or concerned led me to believe that they didn't know who the informant was. As far as I knew John still hated Michael for locking us up and Caldwell was disappointed that he ran Lockstar the way he did. And disappointing Caldwell was far worse than having anyone else being furious at you.
"When we found him he said he dried up the last of his leads," Well that was a partial truth, there were still more documents to decode, but now knowing of the locations, I didn't know how useful they would be.
"But he found them, and managed to take some of them out?" Will prodded.
"So he tells me," I shift back and forth. "I believe that I can take him and a small team to one of their smaller locations, see what we can get there."
"Is it safe?" John asked, but then again, when was anything ever safe?
"It sounds like the best option we have now," Caldwell answered for me. "Ms. Carter, brief us on who you're taking and your travel plans once you have them planned out. I'll see if I can spare a man or two in the area."
"Very generous," I commented trying to hide my sarcasm but the older gentleman still heard and smiled anyways.
"Til next time," The screen cut to black and I was staring back at my own reflection. It didn't look like me. The person in the reflection looked older, looked tired, looked far more confident and strong then I ever thought that I could be. But still it didn't look like me.
Turning away from the computer, I decided I needed a new change of scenery to make up these plans and be as far away from the garage as I could manage. I didn't think I could be there to see Valentin drive off. Call me sentimental or whatever you would like, but I didn't want that image seared into my head.
The halls were quiet as I thought over what to do and who to take. Iris would be a good one, someone who was excellent at breaking into places was always a bonus. Michael would obviously need to go, and maybe Fran as well so she could alter his appearance. If one of Caldwell's men did show up, I couldn't exactly have them relaying that I now employed a former Lockstar member. Then again I did that with Valentin and no one really mentioned anything about that, except that he was a traitor and would probably come back to harm us.
Sighing, I wished that the relationship between the Guardians and Valentin had improved, maybe if it did, he wouldn't be leaving.
Before I could mull anymore about this I heard an unidentifiable sound, so someone else was still burning the midnight oil, that made me feel better. I had taken two steps towards my room that made a crash so loud I thought the walls shook. Concerned and cautious I ran quietly towards the noise, weapon in hand. As I approached I reached on of the few flights of stairs this place had. While most of it was one level, there was only so much that we could expand horizontally, and so a few lower level rooms for our enemies among other things were made.
Looking down I saw a crumpled form and my eyes widened. Putting my blade back in its case I went to run down the stairs. My feet caught on some type of wire, they were still remodeling this place after and changes needed to be made. I was fortunate that I caught onto the railing before I tumbled down as well. Scooting it out of the way so no one else would fall victim to it I ran down the stairs to the unmoving victim.
I crouched down to help turn them over onto their back or at least their side so they could breathe properly. The breathing I could hear was scratchy and made me concerned.
"Are you alright?" I asked trying to push them over but they made no noise and my panic rose. "Buddy, can you hear me."
I finally got them turned over and froze, my hands shaking and my heart nearly stopping.
"Oh my god wake up," I muttered as my eyes got glassy and their breathing seemed to get scarcer. "Wake up!"
My trembling hands reached for my phone. The person on the other end barely got in a word before I was yelling at them.
"I need a medic or a doctor or someone now!" I yelled at them.
"Ma'am are you alright?" They asked.
"Get someone and please get them down here, please, please."
I knew a medic would be down here soon, I knew that they would be in capable hands soon, but their breathing slowed down even more. How big was this building? Couldn't our medics get here faster?
"Please wake up," I whispered as their chest faltered again and my eyes burned even more. "Please Matt wake up."
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