Chapter Thirty Five
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I felt a tug at the hem of my shirt. “Mommy?”
Looking down upon my beautiful daughter, I forced a smile. Her bright green eyes were looking at me suspiciously, her blonde curls hanging onto the back of her head as she forced her head up. “Yes sweetie?” I asked, ghosting her cheek with a touch as light as moth wings.
“Are we still going to go to the park today?” she asked, a small pout on her lips as she thought our annual tradition was cancelled.
“Of course we are, Holly. Why did you think we weren’t going to go?” I asked reflexively, wanting to erase any signs of sadness from my little girl’s face.
“You don’t look so good, Mommy,” she told me, always a bit too truthful.
“We’re still going,” I assured her and ruffled her hair. She giggled up and me and flashed that toothy grin. It was kind of silly looking as her two front teeth were missing, but adorable nonetheless.
I heard footsteps behind me and Holly’s head snapped to an area behind me. “Daddy!” she exclaimed, running over to him and laughing. I turned slowly as Alex picked her up and wedged her between his hip and arm. We met gazes, and his was questioning. Mine flitted away, and I suddenly had an interest for the kitchen.
“Daddy, we’re still going to the park today!” my daughter said, and I could almost hear the grin in her voice.
“Of course, baby girl. Come on, I’ll get you dressed so we can go get some ice cream, okay?” Alex asked, and shot a look at me as I began to wash the dishes/
My son appeared in the kitchen doorway, his phone in hand. “Mom, Addison just asked me if I could go see a movie. Can I go?”
I sighed, shut off the sink, and looked at him. “Nick, you know how important this day is for us.”
“Mom, I know,” he told me, exasperation in his voice. “But we are always there at around five. It’s barely eleven, I’ll be there at five, mom, I promise.”
I pursed my lips to the side and pretended to think about it. “Okay.”
“Yes!” he whispered, pumping his fist once.
“But,” I started, and he groaned, giving me a face that told me he was hoping this wouldn’t happen. He should know me. I’m always up for double-standards. “You have to do me a favor too.”
“What do you want, mom,” he said flatly, his posture deflated.
“Oh,” I said, pretending to be flattered. “I’ll let you chose this time.”
“Ok,” he said slowly, knitting his brows together in confusion as he thought of something he could do to help me. “How about I pick Holly up from school every day for the next week?”
I stuck out my lip. “All right, that’s pretty good. But you’ll have to put the cars seat in your car by yourself.”
Nick clapped his hands. “Done.”
I turned back to the dishes. “All right then, see you at five.”
“Thanks mom, you’re the best.” I heard the scuttling of his shoes as he ran back to his room and slammed the door shut to get ready. Not even a minute later, I heard the shower start.
Alex was suddenly at my side. “He’s taking a shower?”
I nodded. “Yeah, I told him he can go with his little girlfriend to the movies, as long as he is at the park at five.”
Alex understood immediately. He knew me too well. “And what’d you get out of it?”
“He’s picking up Holly from school for the next week,” I informed him.
“Nice,” he said. There was a pause as he tried to find the right way to say the next few words. “Are you okay?”
I nodded but tried not to break down and tell him that inside, I was a mess. “Yes, everything’s fine/”
“Are you going today?” he questioned.
I scoffed. “When have I not?”
Alex shook his head and sighed. “Not to the lake. To his grave.”
“Oh,” I said dryly, feeling the punch in my stomach anytime someone reminded me of him. “I am.”
“Hailee, please stop. I know you too well after sixteen years of marriage to know that you’re not all right.” He reached over and pressed down the lever for the sink, shutting it off. He got a nearby towel and dried off my hands. Then he turned me to him and took my face in his hands. And for I second I was reminded of the way I always got lightheaded whenever Brent did that.
Brent died twenty two years ago. He was in a fatal car accident on his way to my house – with Sarah. The driver’s seat, where he was sitting, was the point of impact. They were crossing an intersection when another car didn’t bother to stop at the stop sign, and it barreled into them, killing Brent instantly. Sarah was taken up to an emergency room by helicopter, as she had extensive spine damage. She was alive when the ambulance got there, but when they told her to move, she couldn’t. They feared the worse and called to have her on an emergency list. She’d also gotten extensive head damage from her forehead smashing into the windshield, but that was the least of her concerns.
The ambulance I saw on the way home that day was the one that drove Brent to the hospital. They hadn’t bothered to take him by helicopter, as they already knew he was dead. They just needed confirmation.
I’d gone to see Sarah as soon as I was allowed, but the right side of her face was completely paralyzed. Everything she told me, I could barely understand. But there was a sentence that I wish I hadn’t heard. It would’ve made letting go of him so much easier.
“He loves you so much,” she told me, that sentence clear above all the others.
The pain I felt was incomparable to being shot. This one hit me everywhere, deep down in every cell of my body, my soul. I got up and barreled out, Sarah trying to get me to stay. I got in my car and went somewhere – I’m still not sure where, as I wasn’t completely sane – and cried until someone found me and called the police, for they were afraid that I was having some sort of manic attack. I stopped right then and made a beeline for my house, where my parents were waiting with Doctor Williams, who I cooperated with just for the sake of things.
Sarah died soon after that. And I couldn’t go to her funeral. Or Brent’s. I just couldn’t.
Here’s the most ironic thing: the driver of the second car? It was Ivellise. I’d hoped I could mend things with her after I was back, but when I saw her after the accident, all I could think about was the fact that she killed Brent. I could barely hold my rage in. Ivellise was charged with involuntary manslaughter and reckless driving, and she was pronounced guilty, serving six years at the California state jail. After she was released, she moved out of state, and none of us have seen or heard from her since.
The three of them… the last thing I said was so horrible. Brent, I told him I’d rather be alone than have to spend another day with him – sure, there was that night that he came to my room, but I’m not entirely sure that happened. Sarah, I stormed off after she told me something she thought would make me happy. And Ivellise, that I wish that she would have died in that car crash instead of Brent.
Of course, life went on. I still went to Stanford, but so did Alex. I was so lonely, when he offered room at his arms, I couldn’t resist. Then when there was room at his lips, I hesitated, but eventually melted into those as well. We moved into an apartment close to the school when we were juniors. We graduated, I majored in Health Sciences, Alex in Psychology. We decided to stay at the apartment though, as it was easier than any other options.
Meg decided to go to college at the University of Texas, which is where her sister taught microbiology. Meg waited for some time, but eventually told her who she was, and her sister didn’t care about what happened.
She was just glad she was back.
' Meg met a guy there, and one day she called me, telling me they were engaged. There was no need to ask her about Alex, everything was understood. She gave him to me as a present. On her wedding day, she threw the bouquet, and I caught it. Later she made a joke that she expected Alex and me to be wedding soon.
She wasn’t kidding. Less than a year later, Alex proposed. I’d told him no, since I was just twenty three. But then he waited a year and did it again. The next time I said yes, because I realized that he’d keep asking until I did.
So we wed. There was nothing special about it. Alex knew he had my heart, but not all of it. But he was willing to put up with that, and most people wouldn’t. He also understood the pain I felt, because he was there on the day my mother told me. I’d sank to my knees and curled up in a fetal position, blocking out the world once again.
After Alex and I came back from our honeymoon, my parents and his parents had gotten together and bought us a house. We moved in and about two months later, I found out I was pregnant. Nick came along, and with him a burst of happiness. It was weird to have him though. His brunette hair and hazel eyes, they kind of reminded me of Brent. That’s why I can’t look him in the eye sometimes. The pang of guilt I felt was just too much.
Of course, I felt guilty about marrying Alex. The reason Brent and I broke up in the first place was because I didn’t want to get married. Ever. But I was young then… so who knows? Sometimes I found myself staring at my reflection in the mirror, wondering how I would’ve looked like if life would have taken a different turn. If I would have ended up with Brent.
Would the boy and girl who met each other so many years ago have nurtured their inseparable relationship into true love? Would the girl have finally given up, and married him? What would the kids have looked like? Would the little girl have green eyes, but brunette hair? Would the little boy have his green eyes, instead of my blue ones? Would I be thinking about Alex while I was with Brent. I don’t know. The answer to those questions will never come, as none of that will even get to happen.
Because he’s gone. Forever.
I felt Alex’s arm around me. “You okay?” he asked.
I didn’t answer, just shook my head and burst into a fit of sobs. I stopped when my daughter appeared at the door, her face showing fear. “Oh, sweetie,” I groaned, letting go of Alex and tumbling into my daughter, picking her up.
She ran her small finger across my cheek. “Mommy, you okay?”
I sniffled and wiped away the rest of my tears with my sleeve. “Yes, I’m all right?”
“Thinking about him?” my daughter asked. I wanted to put her down and go lock myself in the closet and never come out. But I couldn’t. I had to be strong.
“Yes,” I responded truthfully, not wondering why she asked that. She always eavesdropped on Alex and me.
“Okay,” she said, and looked down, telling me she wanted to be put down. Once I did, she craned her neck to look up at me in wonder. Alex came up behind us and rubbed her head adoringly.
“Ready for some ice cream?” he asked.
“I scream for ice cream!” Holly yelled, marching off with her coat and booties. I watched her as she marched off and then turned to Alex.
“I better go,” I said.
“All right,” he whispered, then leaned in and planted a quick kiss on my cheek. “See you at five.”
“See you,” I said, and walked to the counter to grab my purse and car keys.
Once I got in my car, I blasted the music aloud, not wanting to think. But I knew it was inevitable. Not a day has passed that I haven’t thought about him.
The drive to the cemetery was a short one. Maybe because I was dreading it, maybe because it was close to the park where I was supposed to meet up with my family later.
Anyway, once I parked, I began to think of ways to get out of it. I had to go grocery shopping, and buy some Christmas presents, so maybe…
No. No matter the pain that seeing his grave brought. I had to do it. I owed it to him.
I knew where his grave was by memory. So many days I spent here, crying my eyes out. Finally, the guard called my parents. They came and picked me up.
The pain that struck my whole body was evident immediately as I saw the tombstone:
Brent Andrew Dawson
February 2, 1993 – December 1, 2011
Loved son, friend, and companion.
You will always be missed.
Forever.
I kneeled down and in front of it and began tracing the carved words with my fingers. Even after twenty-odd, years… it seemed so unreal. Sometimes I still thought he would materialize out of nowhere and say he missed me. But when I saw this, I knew it wasn’t going to happen. He was buried somewhere underneath me, and it took all of my strength not to dig him up from the ground in which he lay. The biggest part of me.
He was the greatest thing. Now he’s just a memory. It would help my health and sanity to let him go. But I just couldn’t. Memories in themselves didn’t do him any justice.
Putting my forehead on the cold, hard granite, I began to cry. And really cry. The type of crying that drains you, makes your lips grow puffy, your eyes red. But no one was here to see me. So I screamed and pulled at my hair.
When I finished, and was a cocoon on the ground, I made myself check the time. It was four thirty. I’d spent five hours here. I was chilled to the bone, and I was pretty sure my toes were frostbitten. The snow didn’t help the chilly air.
I forced myself to get up, and decided to walk to the park to take up time. The snow crunched under me, telling me the amount of steps I’ve taken. One. Two. Three. On and on it went.
When I arrived, Alex and the kids were just getting there. He appeared to have seen someone approaching them out of the corner of his eye, and he squinted, putting his hand over his eyebrows to cover the glaring sun. Paradoxically, it was colder than my heart, but the sun was as bright as a summer day.
It just shows you how two opposite things can coexist so well together.
Once I got closer, Alex realized who I was and gave me a grim smile. As I got closer, the sadness in his face was more apparent, causing creases around his eyes, on his forehead.
“Hey,” I said once I was in speaking distance, my hands in my pockets, kicking the snow.
“Hey,” he replied, unsurely. His features grew tight and he steadied himself on the car. “Are you sure you’re all right?” he asked. “You’re not looking so good.”
I wiped my face in reaction, but then dropped my hands. There was no point, the weather had frozen my tears to my skin, leaving a tight feeling behind. Alex finished getting Holly’s toys out of the car and held them in one hand. He reached out and grabbed my hand with the other.
He led me down the walkway that eventually ended up at the lake. Our arms swung freely, and for a moment I was reminded of times when Alex and I were really carefree. Brent had already passed away, but the full force of what happened hadn’t really hit me yet.
They say denial is the first step. But to what? I didn’t care to remember. I had more important things to think about.
Once we reached the lake, a pang of guilt hit me. I hadn’t told Alex how much time I spent with Brent here, especially after he broke up with his girlfriends. Those were intimate moments that were only to be known by Brent and I. Well, just me now.
Alex set Holly’s toys up by the trees, and told Nick to keep an eye on her. Nick nodded, but I could tell he wasn’t paying attention. He was too busy texting. Neither of us bothered to say anything to him, though, Holly was well-mannered and knew what to do and what not to do.
We began walking to the lake, when Alex suddenly stopped, putting his hand on the crook of my elbow. I looked at him quickly, thinking there was something wrong, but I saw that he wasn’t even looking at me. Instead, he was focused on something farther away, something near the lake. “Do you want to go for a raft ride?” he asked.
“Oh, no, I-“
“Why?” he asked, cutting me off. There was a hard look on his face. My lack of response cause him to shake his head. “Because of him?”
All I could do was nod.
“Come on,” he said, grabbing my hand and pulling me to the raft. “I think you’ll like it.”
I didn’t say anything. Just followed. When Alex set everything up, and gestured for me to climb in, I did. He pushed the boat off the rocky sand that surrounded the lake, and hopped in when it was far enough. He got a paddle and began to paddle us deeper into the water. The fog was thick, so shore was barely visible from where we were.
It had begun to snow. White was falling everywhere, covering the boat, the water, everything.
That’s when I saw him. Far away, paddling in his own lonely raft was Brent. I stared at him for a long time, trying to decipher whether he was real or not. Our raft was progressing closer towards him, so when I saw that he wasn’t just a figment of my imagination, my gaze snapped to Alex.
He was focused on the same point where Brent was. So was he real? I couldn’t really tell.
Then Alex and I met gazes, and he looked as if he’d just seen a ghost. That’s all I needed to know. So it wasn’t only me, then.
My gaze was fixed on Brent until he was about sixty feet away. He was leaning over something, probably writing. He seemed to be suddenly stirred, and he looked around. Finally, he turned completely to face me. His face held shock, and then it turned into something that completely confused me. He looked happy! There was a large grin on his face, and he closed the book he had on his lap and began waving at me.
I didn’t know what to do. All I did was stare at him. Brent stopped and looked at his feet with a dry smile. Then he shook his head and looked back up, mouthing a goodbye.
I didn’t even have enough time to take another breath before he was gone.
My head slowly turned toward Alex, and I found him watching me intently. We’d both seen him, there was no doubt about that.
A snowflake fell on my lap, and I looked at it, realizing it wasn’t a snowflake at all. It was a white rose pedal. Perfect in every way, pure.
I picked up the journal I always carried around and wrote the events that had just happened down.
And here I am, writing this. This will serve as a warning to my kids, to anyone who reads this. Treat people as if it’s the last time you will ever see them, because you don’t know if it really will be. I have to live with the last words I ever said to Brent, and that in itself is the most horrible thing of all. I could be able to live with his death if I knew the last thing I said to him was “I love you,” or anything of that sort, but it wasn’t. I told him I’d rather be alone than ever spend another day with him. And I miss him so much now, and I wish that I could take it all back. But I can’t. And that’s just the way life is, you have to learn to live with your mistakes, no matter how grave they are.
It’s hard not to hate myself. I know Ivellise was the one who caused the accident, but if I wouldn’t have broken up with Brent, he would probably be alive right now. I blame myself for his death. And I know that’s a stupid thing to do, but when something horrible happens and no one is really at fault, you have no one to blame but yourself.
At least an hour has gone by since I started to write this, so the rose pedals are really filling up our boat, enough to start to sink it. I feel the sudden rush of water come in, and I close the journal, putting it in its waterproof case.
The screaming has begun. Nick is at the shore, screaming his head off for someone to help us, but I know it’s pointless. The boat is already too far down. No one is around, and by the time someone does show up, Alex and I will be blue and lifeless. At the bottom of the lake.
The wind blows hard and I shiver. But then, slowly, I turn to face Alex again. The look on his face tells me he knows what is about to happen. I can’t stand seeing him like this, so I grab his hand and put it over my heart. Then I put my head on his shoulder and whisper, “I love you.”
Alex hesitates for a second, but then puts his head on my shoulder as well. His grip on my hand tightens and then he says, “I love you more,” in a wispy breath.
The screaming turns into shouting, and not just by Nick. More people are here now. Trying to get to us. But down we go, faster and faster. Let them save us, let us die, I think. At this point, it doesn’t matter to me. I’ve already experienced death enough to not fear it.
Instead of my life flashing before my eyes, only taboo memories fill my mind. Memories I don’t dare let myself think of, as they bring too much pain. Brent dying in front of me, so many days, over and over. The look on his face when I shut the door for the last time.
The exact color of his eyes. How he smelled. There are so many things reeling in my mind. But I shot them out. I was with Alex.
And for the last time in my entire life, I let him go.
The End.