It was that sticky dread you used to feel when your mother was about to shove a spoon of practically poisoned cough syrup in your mouth against your will. The bitter thick cold liquid, unnaturally colored, would slip down your throat and plop heavily at the bottom of your stomach. It would leave that gluey taste in your mouth and you'd swallow gallons of water to wash it down but it wouldn't go away. The taste would last until you ate something potent but the unsettledness of your stomach tapped at your conscience incessantly like the ticking of a clock. But you had to keep in mind that it would make you feel better. It would make the sick go away. It would melt the aches and pains so that you could play happily once more. Or that's what your mother told you when she was holding the dripping spoon in your face.
That is what realizing you are in love feels like. It is how I was feeling for hours as I sat until half of my body went numb from sitting on the cushionless carpet. The tingling sensation on my skin was nothing compared to the numb sensation inside me.
Zain had given up beating on Monte and Louis' door after Violet politely told him to "fuck off". She actually told him civilly a few times to leave us alone but after a while she lost her patience. I couldn't see him. Who knows what would happen to me if I did. This was supposed to be a fun goodbye vacation, one last hurrah, and now it's a fucking big mess. I didn't even want to stay another day. I wanted to go to the ocean and drown.
By the time dinner rolled around Zain was gone. My suitcase was set outside of the door and the parking space where his mother's van had been was empty. And it didn't feel like a relief even though it should've. Violet and Monte were trying to convince me that a day in Magic Kingdom would make me feel better, get my mind off of things, be a princess but the only one in the room who didn't seem to be lying to me was Louis sitting on the bed and watching me with sad blue eyes. He watched as I pushed things around my plate and also at my vacant nodding. He knew and I knew he did in a way I couldn't explain. Ever since that night on the boat when Louis was my date and again in London when he picked me up from the tattoo parlor, he just knew. I never thought Louis would be the only one to figure it out when he was the one that's known me the shortest. Sure Violet and Sienna teased me about it but they weren't serious, that's why they teased. I thought he maybe even knew weeks before I did.
While Monte and Violet went back down to get dessert with the others, Louis stayed behind in the hotel room with me. He didn't say anything for a while, the sapphire flecks of his eyes flitting between the different colors of the carpet. The sun was shining brighter through the window since it was setting and it all seemed a little too much. I wanted night to be here when the moon was at its highest and my mind could melt under the dark paleness for a while. I watched the dust particles float around in the air until Louis cleared his throat delicately.
"You don't want to be here, do you," he stated more like a fact than a question.
"No," the word brought the cough syrup taste back in my mouth.
"You don't want to see him either," he stated again.
"No," I repeated emptily.
His voice was slightly more tender, "But you love him."
For a moment the "Y" was suffocating my throat and when I finally got the word out it spilled in tears instead. Louis sank to the floor beside me and wrapped me securely in his gentle arms. His chin rested on my head and his body shook with mine.
"I'm so sorry love," he cooed, "he'll find his way back to you, I promise."
The words came out all wet and mumbled, "How can you say that?"
"He's got love in his eyes Luna, you can't hide that under a leather jacket."
And for a moment the taste in my mouth went away. The sun wasn't so bright and the floor wasn't impossibly hard. The taste would come back and the sun would still shine and my legs were still numb from the concrete, but they were just a little bit more bearable.
After a while Monte and Violet came back into the room along with everyone else. They offered to share their chocolatey treats with me but I still wasn't very hungry. Sienna, Violet, Monte and I all cuddled on the bed while the other boys sat around us as we popped in Matilda. It had always been one of my favorite movies that I brought on road trips of any kind. It's been a childish fantasy of mine to have a mother like Miss Honey. Even more childish to still wish I had Matilda's mind powers. I was told I was smart from a young age so it was always a possibility in my small head. Of course now I've figured out that stuff like that doesn't happen in real life. Reality was hardly like the movies in many ways I've come to know.
When the movie was over everyone but Monte and Louis left. I thanked Lucky for sticking up for me earlier today and he wrapped me in one of his big brotherly hugs. He looked at me with a sort of guilt in his eyes. For what, I wasn't sure. Maybe he felt guilty that he punched Zain but, I doubted it. Maybe for the words Zain said to me even though Lucky didn't say them. Or maybe it wasn't guilt at all. Maybe it was just pity, although I should be used to that look by now.
Finally, I was left alone with Monte and Louis. It wasn't as good as completely alone, but it would have to do.
I'd give anything to have my record player beside me and softly playing some Bon Iver or something. My record player was one of those objects that made you feel at home, even though technically people were supposed to do that for you. In a sense it was people. The people singing to you from a soft fuzzy disk. It was a comfort I didn't feel anywhere else. Except with him, I realized. Another wave of nausea and that gluey taste hit me. All I wanted to do then was sleep but it was still light out and I could only sleep with light in the morning.
"Luna," Louis called softly to me on the floor, "can I talk to you outside for a minute?"
My eyes trailed to a soundly napping Monte and then I nodded. Louis followed behind me and shut the room door quietly.
"He called," he stated softly.
The waves of nausea crashed to where it felt like a constant tsunami. I had zoned out so completely I didn't even hear the phone or Louis talking. When I didn't say anything he continued.
"He called on Monte's phone because he got his number since we all know about that little crush of his," he rolled his eyes though I could tell he wasn't jealous at all, "but um he said he needs to talk to you or see you or something. He didn't say why, although I don't understand why he didn't just try to talk to you here. You would've had to get your bags at some point. I assume he wants to give an apology of sorts. Although I'm not entirely sure, he can be quite unpredictable I've noticed. Oh- and he um said something about letters? If you know anything about what that might mean?"
My eyes spaced out as I remembered Zain talking about writing to Harry to keep in touch. What those letters had to do with anything was beyond me. I wasn't ready to talk to him though. That statement drove even my curiosity away. I wasn't sure how long it would be until I could see him again.
"I just- I need," I sighed, "time. I think I need some time just alone or away from him."
Louis nodded, "I figured. If you want to leave tonight, I don't think anyone will hold it against you."
I started shaking my head, "No, this is Sienna and Liam's goodbye. I have to be there for them. Who knows when I'll see them again."
He nodded again, "Figured that as well. I suppose just don't hesitate to come to me if you need anything. I can be creative."
I could feel my lip quivering, "Thank you Louis."
He leaned over and wrapped me in another hug. I didn't even feel stupid for crying like I usually did. I couldn't feel anything except the cough syrup at the bottom of my stomach.
We went back into the room and when I went to lay down in the bed next to theirs I didn't wake up until the next morning.
*
"Disney day two let's fuckin' go!" Lucky was trying to amp all of us up on the way to the bus stop.
For the most part everyone was amped. It was just me. I felt weak and more pale than usual even though I was clearly sunburnt. I was cold too and so I was the only one not wearing a swimsuit. Violet let me borrow her bucket hat which I wasn't a big fan of but it would keep the sun out of my face. Ever since my realization yesterday the sun was taking a toll on me. Like I was a fucking vampire or something. All I knew was that I really just wanted to be in my room, alone.
My mind blurred the day's events together. I know at one point we met some princess and then another when everyone got Mickey ears and balloons. I remember cracking a small smile at Violet and Lucky with their Minnie and Mickey ears but like some dramatic cliché it made me sad to see them so happy together. And actually sad wasn't really the way to describe it. I wasn't jealous or sad or angry or longing. I was empty. Yeah, it hollowed me out more. My body kept draining of something because there was no one to give it to or return it back to me. I was a broken gum ball machine that didn't have a stopper and so the colorful spheres just rolled away with no one to pick them up. Color was never really my thing anyway I guess.
The crowds of people no longer gave me anxiety because all the noise and colors mixed together and they were easy to tune out now. But I ended up tuning everything out. The only thing I noticed was the sun's harsh heat and how the light reflected off of everything- blinding me. And I knew, after walking around for hours at a bustling children's theme park, that the reason the sun was bothering me so much was because my sun was gone. The one that sweetly burned and started an electrifying fire inside of me. The one that left rays that tingled my skin for hours, long after they stopped touching me. The one that lit up my veins and shined so intensely into my eyes I could feel a cosmic explosion deep in my chest. Yeah, that sun was gone and I was left with reality. I was left with the real sun that burns my skin to a crisp and makes my eyes squint and makes it impossible to sleep or ignore.
It seemed to me like years before it finally set. The deep reds and oranges and purples made my head spin and my stomach twist. Color was never my strong suit and broke me even more now. The sun I wanted to see set was all bronze and raven and amber and pink.
"C'mon Luna! Come sit by me so we can have the best view of the fireworks," Sienna grinned widely as she pulled the chair out for me.
I thought I smiled but maybe it just came out as a grimace. Everyone ordered dinner at the restaurant we were sitting on the patio at and ate and talked happily. There were confessions and meaningful exchanges being made constantly. There was talk of philosophy and of souls being meant to find each other again. They were things I wanted to join in with but didn't have the energy to. I knew I would regret not finding anything to say once Sienna and Liam left but I just couldn't get any part of me to work. I hoped they knew I loved them and that I would miss them like crazy and everything else I wanted to say. Maybe someone already said those things for me and I was just too zoned out to notice. It felt like I was at the bottom of a fucking pool all day. The sounds all muffled and the sights blurred and I was stuck in a separate world. One I desperately wanted to get out of.
"Look they're starting!" Sienna told us excitedly.
"They are beautiful," Monte gushed.
"Especially behind that castle- where the fuck is my camera?" Violet added.
I slowly turned my gaze to the sparkles in the sky. I tried to focus on them but my eyes kept going until I saw stars. I never understood why I didn't like fireworks and it rather annoyed Violet growing up, but something about the stars was better than a crackling light show. I always wondered if fireworks were made to mimic the stars and why, if we already had something so pure and beautiful and moving, would we try to make something better?
So while my friends smiled and giggled at the silly shapes and colors in the sky, I stared at the stars. I felt a piece of them drip inside me and wash out the sticky syrup. But that's all they did. They didn't reassure me that tomorrow was going to be better. They didn't tell me I could handle whatever was coming next. They didn't make the emptiness go away. I guess all they really did was make it easier to accept what I think I knew all along. That I loved Zain, and that maybe it wasn't a bad thing.
When the show ended we all dragged our tired feet back to the bus stop. Heads leaned on shoulders and kisses were pressed to cheeks and princesses were sleeping on laps and small hands were being held by bigger ones, but I just closed my eyes to it all. There was no good in making myself feel worse.
*
Since Sienna and Liam's flight was early tomorrow morning, we all had to pack up and drive back home tonight. Everyone was worried about having to go to school on minimal hours of sleep but in the back of my mind I knew I wasn't going to. I couldn't. Not yet. I would be forced to see him if I did and I don't think I would still be standing if I had to face everything so soon.
I went through the motions of putting my stuff in my suitcase and then waited in the car before everyone else. I fell asleep before Lucky's jeep even started moving. It was just Lucky, Violet and I though so I didn't have to feel guilty for not talking to Sienna and Liam in their last hours in Florida. I woke up when we were almost home so I just decided to listen to music on Spotify to see if maybe I could fall back asleep. Sleep seemed to be the only thing keeping me sane.
I scrolled through my music but nothing sounded good. I flicked through my playlists but that ended with the same result. I looked out of the window for a second and then took a shaky breath in before going to his profile. He had a few different playlists that I recognized him playing songs from before. He wouldn't let me follow him but I saw his username when he had left the room one time and so I had secretly listened to his playlists ever since. I cringed at the playlist I knew was about her. But now there was a new playlist, right at the top and it didn't really have a title. Just a simple crescent moon with a star symbol. My heart jolted when I saw it and tapped it with a shaking finger.
PLAYLIST
☾★
SONG 400 Lux ARTIST Lorde
SONG Glasgow ARTIST Catfish and the Bottlemen
SONG 505 ARTIST Arctic Monkeys
SONG There is a Light That Never Goes Out ARTIST The Smiths
SONG Mourning Doves ARTIST Mikky Ekko
SONG The Dress Looks Nice On You ARTIST Sufjan Stevens
SONG Patience ARTIST The Lumineers
SONG Beach Baby ARTIST Bon Iver
SONG fallingforyou ARTIST The 1975
SONG Big Jet Plane ARTIST Angus & Julia Stone
SONG Pusher ARTIST alt-J
I didn't even have to listen to any of the songs because I knew them all. They were all love songs... my favorite kind of love songs. The ones where the desire and longing and heartache the artist feels grips your chest so that you feel it too. I listened anyway and by the time I reached Patience my shirt was soaked in tears. There was just no way. There couldn't be. He didn't love me. He loved her. It's not possible for him to love me back.
Louis' words echoed in the back of my mind.
He's got love in his eyes Luna
We pulled into Violet's driveway at about one in the morning and for a split second I was normal and the thought of going to the airport at four in the morning for Sienna and Liam's departure made me cringe. I almost instantly fell asleep when I went into Violet's room and hardly woke up again to get in Violet's car so we could meet everyone at the airport.
The car came to a halt and there was talking outside of the doors. It sounded the way things sound when you're underwater as I opened my eyes. They burned and the only thing I cared about in that very moment was to shut them again and sleep forever. The car door next to my head opened then and I felt the air from inside swirl with the humidity outside.
"C'mon Lun, we have to say goodbye to our friends," Violet told me softly while brushing my rapidly growing hair behind my ear.
I nodded sleepily and scrunched my eyes closed before opening them again and got out of the car. Sienna and Liam were already at the gate with Liam's parents and were ready to hop on the plane when we all walked up. Sienna's lip was quivering and Liam was rubbing her back in attempt to calm her down. Monte handed her the painting we did of all of us and she couldn't even speak as she held it in her hands.
"I- I'm going to miss you all so much," she whispered over the sobs in her throat.
She reached out and we all swooped in immediately before she started crying.
"You guys are the best friends I ever had. I wish we didn't have to go," Sienna's voice was muffled from being nestled in all our chests.
"We wish you didn't have to go either," Louis told her quietly.
"God what am I even going to do without my mom and I dancing like idiots to our records in the kitchen, or reading in the living room with my dad, or all our crazy adventures together, or Monte showing me up with his French, or surfing with you guys," she gestured to Lucky and Violet, "or hanging out in your giant house watching movies," she rubbed my arm.
"Hey, you can Facetime or Skype us on your laptop anytime you want, okay? I'll go over to your house and dance with your mom and when we're all at my house watching movies. Just maybe not the surfing thing. I'm not coordinated and my phone doesn't like water too much," I smiled despite holding back tears.
She laughed and wiped her tears with the sleeve of her jacket. We all fell silent for a moment, trying to forget the sadness and just take in all of the happy memories so we could carry them back home.
"Thank you for everything guys. I know I couldn't forget you guys if I tried," Liam smiled warmly and tried to blink away the tears in his eyes.
"Yeah and this isn't goodbye," Sienna lit up, "We will fly back and stay for the holidays and such since my parents still live here."
"Yeah," Violet chimed in, "and you can tell us all about the Cali life while we simultaneously try to reculture you."
Sienna giggled and we joined her.
"Don't do anything I wouldn't do," Lucky warned, "they get pretty wild on the west coast."
"Lucky is there actually anything you wouldn't do?" I teased.
"Ya hippy," Violet added.
"Your hippy," he winked back at her.
Groans and laughs sounded from our huddle-hug before we all went quiet again at the voice saying their flight is ready to board.
"Well, this is it," Sienna tried to stay calm but the choke in her voice was obvious, "I can't believe we're really leaving."
"Me either," Monte whispered quietly.
We all squished in for another hug before reluctantly letting Sienna and Liam go. We watched them walk past the gate.
"No turning back now," Lucky mentioned.
"They're really leaving," Louis added.
"Tell your aunt I said hi!" I shouted to Sienna before she disappeared.
"There is a hole in my chest," Monte's voice was hushed.
The five of us came in for another hug and let the tears fall for a while before we were ready to leave.
"School is going to be hell today," Violet mentioned as we walked out of the airport.
Especially without them is what we all thought but didn't say.
Not that it mattered to me. I wasn't going to school. It felt like my life was falling apart. With him, my friends moving across the country and my mother keeping me from going back to my own house. I wondered how much a person, who was already broken, could take before the pieces shattered and there was no possible way to put them back together. After Cassie... and Violet helped me through, I had hope. It seemed dramatic, but now I wasn't so sure. Maybe I just needed some sleep.
The car ride back was silent and I drifted off easily. I woke up to the car stopping and voices talking outside of the doors again. I stretched in my seat and squeezed my eyes shut before blinking a bunch of times so they would stay open. I looked out of the window of Violet's car and my heart plummeted to my feet. Zain was on Violet's driveway being yelled at by her.
He looked awful, like he smoked way too much and hadn't taken a shower in weeks. I started crying the moment I heard his voice. I couldn't handle this, I had to get away from him.
Without thinking I swung the car door open and ran. I could hear both of them yelling and I just hoped Violet was able to keep him from running after me. I wasn't listening to anything they were saying and just kept running. When I got to my front door I knocked as loud as I could, not thinking of anything except being inside.
My mother opened the door looking frazzled and I made it through the doorway before I started sobbing. She knelt down and brought me close to her, something that hadn't happened for years and I didn't have the energy to fight it either.
"Shhh it's okay," she tried.
"No it's not," I managed.
She was quiet for a moment, not knowing what to say, "What happened?"
I tried with everything inside me to stop shaking and forced my breathing to be normal until it became natural, "I fell in love."
AN
hi I would like to apologize to anyone that liked Sienna and Liam but ive been dying to cut them off for a while idk i just wasn't feeling them so im very sorry if you liked them. anyway i hope u liked this chapter and also would just like to say that I SAW BØRNS IN CONCERT LAST THURSDAY AND i don't even rly want to talk ab it bc ive been a fan for so long and he is a cute lil part of this story and that concert just meant a lot to me if anyone was wondering ok bye ily xxxxxxx
also if anyone wanted a lil more of this story idk u can follow the insta i made a while ago it's @misfitsatmidnight and its pretty lame rn tbh i think like one person follows it so u should defs peep that ;-)
also some shameless self promotion u should check out my spotify bc i just made a bunch of new playlists organizing the music ive collected over the years and that username is @malikstasy and i found its easier to find people on spotify by typing the url www.spotify.com/user/malikstasy but that only works when u do it on safari on ur phone??? idk maybe its not worth it but whatev
ive also been binge watching new girl not that anyone rly cares but i loVE SCHMIDT
ok forreal ily bye