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'Work keeps at bay three great evils: boredom, vice, and need'. Voltaire
Scarlett's Apartment/Atlanta/
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Next morning I lay there guilty, miserable and dazed. I felt like I was at the bottom of a deep dark musty well, trying to claw my way up the slippery sides and, when I had got somewhere I would slip back into the cold inky water.
I was doing my best to battle gravity from my most defensive location. Translated this means I was lying in bed. I heard the front door bell announce 'a machine', perhaps it was a delivery. I got up out of bed and discovered I was back in my lamb pyjamas again. It was early in the morning. The planet still had the same stifling gravity. How do they stand it here? I looked around my apartment, the place was a mess, this party would take hours to clean up. There was another polite but firm knock.
I walked down the short passage and opened the door to find a robot standing there. He was about seven feet tall, slim, with four thin legs and four thin arms coming from his small cylindrical body. Most oddly of all he wore clothes, black somber stripes. One of the arms grabbed a mask and held it up to act as a face and another hand held a hat where it's head would be. User-friendly or what?
"Good morning Madam. Are you doing well? I'm your new Valet." said the machine. Lifting it's hat.
"You're going to hoover me and leave me with a polished wax finish?" I said.
"With respect not quite. Your Aunt's 5th Ex-husband Hugo engaged me." came a polite man's voice. The voice sounded, resonant, middle aged or older quite at odds with the tiny body and thin carbon fibre arms.
"You're the robot" I said.
The machine paused for a second, the eyebrows registered some confusion.
"Err I'm unsure what else I could be Madam?" said the machine.
"I was thinking a reading lamp. So what are you called?" I asked.
The machine looked slightly confused.
"What would Miss prefer to call me?" it said.
"Why don't you come in and tell me?" I replied. Opening the odoor
The machine looked in slight horror at the living room.
"So what's your real name ?" I asked sleepily.
"That depends Miss" said the machine.
"On what exactly?" I said starting to pick stuff up.
"On how good your binary is, but miss is free to call me whatever she likes." said the machine
"What, like Jarvis?" I said walking down the corridor.
"I'm sorry to say Jarvis is already taken Miss," said the machine, moving around picking things up.
"It is?" I said, picking up some lipstick kissed glasses.
"Indeed. The toaster is called Jarvis, Miss." said the machine.
"The toaster is called Jarvis?" I said.
"Indeed. It is a nom de plume it is most proud of" said the machine.
"I didn't even know I had a toaster. How do you know the toaster is called Jarvis?" I asked.
"The internet of things madam" said the machine.
The machines had their own internet called the internet of things. I always wondered what the internet of things had? Did it have a machine wikipedia or a machine Amazon, did it have a machine version of Reddit? What did machines chatter about? Did they complain about what the voltage was like or something? Was there a machine eBay? If so, what did they buy and sell? Did machines email each other? About what? Was there a machine Netflix? Was there machine pornography? A radio with half the cover suggestively unscrewed and partly removed perhaps? Did robots have their own youTube with animations of digital cats or something? I never knew.
"What about Jeeves?" I said stacking more glasses on the kitchen bar.
"The microwave Madam" said the robot.
"Really, I have microwave called Jeeves? What about Jennings?"
"It is with regret I must inform you that the name is already appropriated by the fridge Madam. The stationary white goods are notorious for grabbing all the best names first."
"Hmmm, isn't this the part where I say what should I call you? Do you have a name? And you read a book of baby names in a nano second and give yourself one" I said.
"Or you could use the name my previous owner used Madam."
"Which was?"
"Kentro Barika, Madam." said the Machine.
"Kentro that's a pretty bad name. I wonder what the most totally unsuitable name for a robot would be then?" I asked in an idol moment.
The robot paused for a second, it's mask clearly indicating some level of concentration.
"Hingle pop..." said the machine.
"Hingle pop?" I said.
"Hingle pop" said the machine "Any word which nearly means 'drop your pants' in four different languages isn't appropriate for someone of your standing Madam."
I had to admit he was right.
"OK, I'll go with Kentro." I said "Only because it sounds like a hip version of Keto. Are you sure no other household device has that name already, like the Hoover or possibly a light switch, a bin liner maybe?"
"No Madam, quite sure." said the Machine.
"OK, if you don't mind I'll call you Kentro, I like the notion of a ship name between Barbies' Ken and Introduction" I said. "But I will keep Higgle pop if it doesn't work"
"Certainly Madam" said Kentro.
The machine opened the curtains.
"Uh! Light No. Perhaps I've turned half vampire."
"The strength of sunlight is some 1.6 times brighter than on mars, Madam" Kentro said straightening.
"It is?" I said wondering the benefits of sharing a house with Wikipedia."Do you come with an instruction booklet or anything?" I asked.
"Unfortunately not madam, robots from Craigslist rarely do" Kentro admitted, while picking up more items. That explained a lot. Eventually its three hands were filled and it put its mask down to free up another hand. It walked around like a headless creature. "We will have to get by as best we can Madam."
"I'm sorry I've never had a robot before" I confessed. "The dark truth is we don't have any robots at home."
Even for Mars that made me sound rather trashy. I could pull trashy off if I had to you know, huge hoop earrings and chewing endlessly, but it wasn't me.
"Your mother's unfortunate Automatonophobia is on record Madam" said Kentro turning to me.
My mother just had to see a roomba and feel slightly sick. The way some machines moved was just slightly too human but not human enough. It was called the uncanny valley and it spooked her. Hanging around machines was a bit too 'Dead of Night' for her to stand. So from a young age I only saw robots on television, I thought they were all imaginary special effects, or men in suits.
"How did you know about that?" I asked.
"The Internet of things madam. There is a black hole as far as your mother is concerned, a common sign of those with Automatonophobia."
"OK Kentro, I'm going to change and then start tidying up," I said as I walked to the bedroom.
"Certainly miss." said Kentro.
I emerged twenty seconds later in my dungarees ready to start cleaning, only to find the apartment in perfect condition.
"Oh" I said looking "I was going to help."
Kentro picked up the mask and looked up at me "Oh? Perhaps I was mistaken, Madam is human isn't she?"
It took me a second to figure that out. On mars androids - robots who look identical to people, are outlawed, I think that was the law in L5 and even Venus, perhaps it wasn't true here. All the robots I had seen on Earth had something extra like Kentro's four arms and lack of head. No robot looked human.
"Yes," I told him.
"Perhaps Miss isn't aware of the 2086 Paris Request for comments" said Kentro finishing off.
"Err Paris Earth or Paris Mercury?" I asked.
"Paris Texas" said Kentro straightening a cushion.
"No." I admitted.
"It states," said Kentro "All activities designated as work will be handed over to digital life forms in exchange for a range of benefits for humans in perpetuity."
"You mean all humans are banned from working?" I said.
"That would be a rather succinct if moderately erroneous summary miss, yes" said Kentro.
I walked to the open plan kitchen.
"Why don't we talk about this over breakfast" I said, looking in the overly stocked fridge.
"Madam is going to make her own breakfast?" said Kentro rather concerned.
I pulled some low fat milk out of the fridge.
"Hang on I'm not allowed to get my own breakfast?" I said to the rather surprised looking Kentro.
"That would be the letter of the law Miss. Under amendment 3, one is allowed a hobby or two" said Kentro who came over and, using three arms, instantly assembled a tray with a bowl, spoon, and everything except milk on it. I added the milk I was holding to the tray.
"So I could say 'Hi. I'm Scarlett Banks, my hobbies include getting my own breakfast'." I said.
"One could madam. It would be a little strange as hobbies go. However, I have seen stranger" said Kentro.
"Such as?"
"Your step uncle John 'the belt' Hanks is famous for his hobby of polishing belt buckles" said Kentro, carrying the tray over to a small dining table.
"Well that makes me feel a little more normal" I said. While Kentro pulled the seat out for me with one hand and grabbed a napkin in the other.
"May I say, despite the illegality of it, one is rather impressed one knows how to use a fridge" said Kentro.
I looked at him sideways and wondered if this was some robot humour or not.
Before we could go into the issues any further we were interrupted.
"There is a call from your Aunt Catherine." said Kentro.
"I'm not in" I said.
"Your Aunt is rather desperate" said Kentro "if you refuse her calls this would insure even greater distemper at future meetings. I believe she craves a boon"
"Huh?"
"She wants a favour madam" said Kentro.
"Put her on then."
The rather large TV set came to life in the wall.
"Scarlett, an absolute disaster has happened." said Aunt Catherine. She was in an airport or spaceport, I could see people move in the background.
"Your Aunt Mallery has announced that she is going to your late, great-great grandmother Eladina's house to help dispose of elements of her estate." Aunt Catherine started, "The foolish woman is getting it all filmed to make a documentary which she thinks will help her in the elections. You must go to grandmother Eladina's house and make sure Aunt Mallery does not discover any items of technology she would find, shall we say, embarrassing."
Aunt Catherine was almost in tears "You don't know how awful this is and there is absolutely no one I can depend on. This is terrible, terrible"
"OK I'll do it" I said.
"I can't ask you" said Aunt Catherine.
"It's OK I'll do it" I said.
In the background there was the drawn muffled call for the next flight to Greenland. Aunt Mallery's ticket glowed.
"I'll get Not Important to send a cab. You must make sure Aunt Mallery, and more importantly the cameras, do not see anything. That's the last call for the rocket to Greenland, I've got to go, Dear."
The screen went off.
I looked at Kentro.
"Don't let Aunt Mallery, and the cameras see anything. What was that about?" I asked my self.
"Madam if I may explain" said Kentro.
A robot's view of this should be good I thought.
"Your Aunt Mallery is a leading candidate for secretary general of Earth." started Kentro, "Unfortunately the mainstream media - YouTube, Tumblr, have fallen for the rather gaff prone Ronald Bentham. Made all the more positive by his long running TV show where he played a successful businessman who becomes leader of the free world by mistake."
"Oh that's what he did before standing for leader of the free world?" I said.
"Given your Aunt's struggle to get any airtime, It would be entirely natural for your Aunt Mallery to make a reality TV show about dealing with the estate of your great grandmother Eladina. This would appeal to an important section of her target voters. Unfortunately your Aunt Catherine is unaware of what is common knowledge in many circles."
Finally the machine had got to the dirt.
"Which is?" I said
"Your great-great grandmother was a strident promoter of women's rights, and women's mental and physical health, and was widely known for her blog on the matter and a rather extensive collection of bedroom toys." the robot began.
"Bedroom toys..." I said.
"I believe the Martian colonies use the same euphemism Madam." said Kentro. "Your Aunt Mallery on the other hand, as a leading member of the committee for moral and social rectitude, would find it rather, shall we we say, embarrassing, if she was filmed discovering the said devices."
Now it was my turn for eyes to expand. "Ohhhhh. That would be embarrassing."
"Given the efficiency of Ronald Bentham's miss-information department, it would not be a surprise if she would be announcing her retirement from the secretary general's race before it even begun."
So all I had to do was get to great-great grandmother Eladina's house before Aunt Mallery does. Switch the shoebox with goodies, hide them, and come home a hero to my Aunt Catherine who would then forget the entire punching episode, easy.
"So all we have to do is get under great grandmother Eladina's bed, find her box of 'toys' and dispose of it?" I said.
"Well in principle that would be your aunts idea. In practice it might be a little more involved" said Kentro.
I looked at the mask Kentro used as a face. The mask was a bit like one of those masks the ancient greek actors used except the eyebrows were screens. Kentro had three masks and wasn't using the sad or happy masks.
"How involved, two or three boxes, a chest ?" I said, being impressed at my great grandmother Eladina's devilish side.
Kentro looked up and lifted his eyebrows.
"Your great grandmother Eladina wrote a popular blog on women's health and mental well being under a pseudonym, and was given many free samples. It is believed to extend out to three or four.."
"Boxes!!!" I said.
"Rooms Madam."
I sat back.
"ROOMS?" I said. " Wow great grandmother Eladina was a minx! With four rooms of bedroom toys I would be dead by now too. How on earth am I supposed to move three or four rooms full of women's personal technology without getting noticed or getting a hernia?"
"That is a problem Madam. However your Aunt or Mr Not Important appears to be mobilising some others who may assist you"
"OK, can you find my phone? I need to Google where great grandmother Eladina's house is" I said.
"No need, Mr Not Important has already made the necessary arrangements microseconds ago. An autonomous car is arriving for you downstairs" said Kentro.
"But I need to pack" I said as a small overnight case wheeled itself out of the bedroom. Self packing cases go figure.
"Eladina's house, where is it?" I asked Kentro as he reached into a cupboard near the door and pulled out a coat.
"Her summer residence was on the coast of New England" Kentro said.
There was a knock at the door.
"Excuse me Miss" said Kentro.
Kentro opened the door to find a small dusty handbag sized autonomous case which had been left behind at the airport.
"That's where you are. We are off to New England" I said to it as it wheeled wearily to a halt.
We got to the elevator and entered, the door shut on the autonomous hand bag. I hope the bag would have the good sense to stay outside the house.
20 minutes later we were on the magnetically levitated train to New England.
****
A/N OK That's it so far - how did we do? We are chewing our fingernails to see if you will come back next Thursday 12:30 GMT to see what happens when Scarlett get's to New England in our next chapter All about clouds. RK+Reb.