Edited
Lillie
"Lillie! Wake up, we're gonna leave in about an hour and a half!" Tyler told me. I groaned, not knowing what time it was but not wanting to get up. But, I reluctantly got out of bed and dragged myself into the shower.
After my warm shower, I blow dried my hair and got dressed. I dressed in a black and white striped top and black, ripped skinny jeans. Oh, and my converse of course. (outfit above)
Then I brushed my teeth, grabbed my phone and threw a beanie on and we all got into the car.
***
"What store do you want to go into first?" Josh asked me. I shrugged my shoulders.
"I don't care," I replied.
"Okay, what do you want to shop for first?" Tyler asked me.
"I don't care," I replied to him.
I saw Rue 21 out the window and pointed to it.
"Could we go to Rue 21?!" I exclaimed. They chuckled and nodded.
We walked inside and I took a deep breath.
"Okay, we're gonna go look around. You just find anything you want and come back to us when you're done," Josh told me. "Also, a minimum of three things." I nodded and we split ways.
First, I looked at the clothes. These were all cute clothes, but none of them were really my style. I found a black pleather skirt that I liked, so I put it in the basket.
After searching for a little longer, my basket contained the skirt, a long sleeved black shirt, and a pair of plain black jeans. Just to make sure they fit, I went to ask for a dressing room.
I stood off to the side a little, waiting for one to notice me. I didn't want to interrupt their conversation, even though it was a part of their job to help me. After a little while a guy noticed, thankfully.
"Hey, what can I do for ya?" He asked. He seemed really nice.
"Could I get a dressing room?" I asked and he nodded. He let me into the 'rockstar' one and I thanked him as he walked off.
Okay, shirts first. I put the black shirt with the jeans just to see if they worked. Not quite together but I liked them seperately; and I could make a lot of outfits with them. Now to try the skirt on.
Once the skirt was on I really liked it, but my eyes travelled down to my legs. The dark red scars stood out against my pale legs.
One, two three. . . forty-seven, forty-eight. I stopped counting, as tears that formed around thirty were starting to fall. I sniffled and quickly changed out of the skirt and back into my jeans that were crumpled on the floor. After putting everything back on it's hangers, I cleaned myself up a bit. Waved my face until my eyes were dry and my cheeks weren't as red.
I put the skirt on the outside hanger for the unwanted. I should be there. And walked out to the guys.
Josh looked through my basket to see all I got.
"Okay, a nice start. Any makeup, accessories, or shoes?" I thought for a second.
"Could I go look at the makeup?" I asked. I know they literally just mentioned the makeup but I wanted to be sure.
"Of course," Tyler said. They shooed me off and I went to the makeup cart.
The first thing I grabbed was a black eyeliner pencil and then black mascara, the necessities. I looked around for a little while, but that's about all I wear. My eyebrows are naturally filled, so I don't worry about filling them in at all.
I wandered to the accessories, just to see what there was. I saw a pair of white clout goggles, which I grabbed because why not? I didn't see anything else so I went back to the guys for the second time.
"Okay, now I'm really done," I told them. Josh looked through the basket and nodded, satisfied with the amount.
"Okay, great. Let's check out," with that we all walked over. I put the basket on the counter and the cashier started scanning.
"Okay, your total is $43.50," she said. I suddenly felt so bad, I didnt even think about prices. Oh god, that's a lot to spend on one person! Why was I so stupid? Tyler must have noticed my expression because he whispered to me.
"Hey, it's okay. We'll live," he whispered and smiled. I gave him an anxious smile and turned away. This is all too much for someone you're going to be giving back in less than a week.
Josh handed me the back of stuff and we walked out to the car, off to another store.
***
We pulled up to Best Buy. Why? To get me a new phone. But like, why?! Mine works okay, I guess. But phones are expensive as hell...
"So what kind of phone do you want?" Josh asks me and I shrug.
"I don't care," I reply. The cheapest one.
"You dont care about a lot of things, do you?" He asks me and I shake my head. "Well, pick one." He chuckles. I sigh and grab an iPhone 5 from the counter. Josh and Tyler looked at me weird (please don't make fun of me I wrote this in middle school).
"You don't want a newer one?" Tyler asked. I shook my head.
"Alright. Give it here and I'll get it, you and Tyler go roam for a little," Josh said. Tyler and I walked over to the cameras, and my eyes instantly landed on an Instax mini camera. It's so cute, and they had one in white!
I grabbed it and started looking at it, but put it back when Josh came over.
"Let's go gang," he said, making Tyler chuckle. I smiled.
We got back in the car and Josh handed me the phone box. I stared at it, then stared at him.
"This is an iPhone 8, not a 5s," I mumbled. He smiled.
"I thought you might want the animoji thing. It's pretty fun," he explained as we drove home. I smiled sadly, and thanked him. We listened to a lot of Adele on the way back.
***
"Thanks guys. You really didn't have to get all of this," I told them.
"We know. We just wanted to," They said, shooing me upstairs to put my stuff away.
After I finished, the boys called me down for dinner and said I had to be hungry, so I went down.
I sat down, them already eating their spaghetti. I looked down at my plate, starving.
"It looks so good...." I thought to myself. "But I can't eat it. I'm almost there." I quickly reminded myself.
"You okay Lillie?" Josh asked, his mouth full. I nodded.
"I'm fine," I told him.
Just to make them happy, I took a small bite of garlic bread, and ate a few spaghetti noodles. The rest of the time I drank water.
"I'm done," I told them, pushing my plate forward.
"Lillie. You didn't eat anything. Eat a few more forkfulls of noodles and the whole piece of bread, then you can leave," Josh said, while Tyler looked at me suspiciously.
"Don't do it," I heard a voice say in my head.
I gulped, but did it, my hands shaking the entire time.
"Good job. Now give me your plate," Josh said, as I did so.
"I'm gonna go take a shower," I announced, Tyler nodded his head.
I walked into my bathroom, wide eyed. I'm disappointed in myself; I was so close. I looked at the toilet, deciding if I should.
Of course you should, dumbie. If you don't you're gonna get fat."
I realized the voice is right, so I turned the shower and fan on and bent down beside the toilet. I took a few deep breaths before shoving my fingers down my throat and moving them around. I gagged but didn't throw up, so I did it more.
After a few tries everything I ate came back up into the toilet. I flushed the toilet and took a quick shower before heading back to my room.
***
"Lillie?" I heard Tyler say.
"Yeah?" I responded as he walked in.
"What was that about?" He asked, and I gave him a confused look.
"At dinner," He finished, and the confused look was gone.
"Oh..." I said.
"Are you okay?" He asks slowly.
"Yeah I'm totally fine," I answer with a fake smile. He stares me down for a bit and I feel awkward so I fidget with my hands.
"Come here," he pats the bed beside him and I sit down. "You can talk to me. What happened at dinner?"
I decided it was fine to tell him since they would send me back soon anyway. I sighed.
"I have this eating disorder thing I think. There's this voice in my head that tells me what not to eat and when to exercise and how fat I'm going to get. It's so hard not to listen to it," when I finished my words I realized I was crying and Tyler pulls me into a hug.
"It's okay. It's okay," He says, calming me down. "But you're already so skinny. How do you not see it?" He asks, and I tell him everything. How all my adoptive parents called me fat and ugly, even Miss Emily did. She was a whore though.
"You have an eating disorder?" Josh exclaims, entering the room.
Tyler and I look at him, Tylers face in shock, mine in fear and sadness. I shot up, but didn't run.
"No. What makes you think that?" I mumble. He gives me a "duh" look and gestures for me to sit. I keep standing there, and couldn't handle the stares and ran out.
I ran to the park, and texted my friend to come. She came a few minutes later and we talked about everything.
"Hey, what time is it?" I asked her. She checked her phone.
"11:57. Why?"
"Oh shoot! I have to go, I'm sorry. I'll text you!" I exclaimed, running home.
I ran home, getting to the front door and seeing lights off.
"Phew..." I said to myself. I walked into the living room quietly, heading towards the stairs.
"So, thought we would be asleep?" I heard Josh say.
"Kinda," I mumbled. I turned around to face them, the room still dark.
Josh got up and turned on the lights as I sat down, ready for a lecture.
"Why?" He asked.
"Why what?" I asked back.
"Why do you starve yourself?" He looked at me with a sad expression.
I told him everything I told Tyler, how all my past adoptive parents told me I was fat and ugly, how miss Emily did, and how some people on the street would give me disgusting looks.
"Lillie, it's okay," He said soothing me. I didn't realize I was crying until he said that. Dang, so many times today.
"I'm fine it's just, the memories are all flooding back and I think I just need to go to bed," I told him truthfully.
He nodded his head and we said our goodnights, letting Tyler sleep on the couch as he had fallen asleep before I came home.
I walked upstairs, glad I told them and that I don't have to hide it anymore. I'm also scared, though. Now they're going to try and help, which won't work. I've tried everything there is to try and none of it did anything. I just don't want them to feel bad about themselves because they can't help me.